How does this happen??

as I journey through this parenting thing ... parenting an older teen ... one about to leave for college ... I am ever reminded of how the Lord teaches me His most powerful lessons through my own parenting.

I anxiously awaited the return from his first camp where he was the leader yesterday ... only to be met with his ... other plans. Plans that didn't include filling me in on the joys, the lessons, the good stuff of camp ... he only had time to drop off his dirty laundry, make known his needs (food) and then he was out of here without even a goodbye. 

Insert public service announcement ... before anyone thinks I just don't get what it means to be a teenager ... I do. Stick with me ... this isn't about bashing my kid, it's about exposing MY sin. 

My feelings were ... hurt! I wanted to hear about his time away ... I was genuinely interested in what had happened in his life. Honestly, some of it I'd heard through the grapevine ... and some of it was regular everyday boy stuff that happens in the midst of camp ... 

but I WANTED to hear from him. I LONGED to hear from him. Not because I wanted the details of his life, but because I wanted to hear his heart. 

And, honestly, I wanted to hear it first. Before it was contaminated by the reactions and interruptions of another. Before someone had a chance to snatch the seed from the ground. Before the joy was covered up by something counterfeit. 

Last night, he sat with us sharing cursory details ... but clearly distracted. 

I went to bed asking the Lord,  "How does this happens?" 

He woke me this morning with a picture of myself ... my time with Him ... my want to run to my best friend to see what SHE thinks ... my want to be comforted by someone HERE ... my DISTRACTIONS and my CURSORY DETAILS ... my INCESSANT list of needs without any regard to just lingering in the presence of the one who loves me best ... without distraction ... adoration on my lips that sinks to the very core of my being ...  

How readily do I run to the waiting eyes, arms or platitudes of another ... forsaking my first love?Basking in the momentary satisfaction of attention, only to return and do it all again another day?? 

My heart echoed yesterday with, "don't you remember that I'm the one who paved the way for this ... got up and took you by myself to Dayton ... interceded for you every moment you were there ... love you more than my own life?" 

And today my heart echoed with "don't you remember that my blood paved the way ... I went all the way up Calvary's Hill, just for you, all alone ... I sit at the right-hand of the Father making intercession for you every moment of your life ... I love you still more than my own life, you know, the one I gave for you freely ..." 

And then bowed in conviction ... 

You see, my aching, abandoned as a child, betrayed by those who were supposed to protect her heart ... OFTEN cries out for someone who will choose her. And yet, because of my own propensity for approval ... tangible affirmation ... I go looking for flesh and bone to tell me I'm good enough, smart enough, worthy enough ... 

instead of sitting at the feet of the only One who is really able meet all of those needs. Telling Him my hurts before they are clouded by the world. Sharing the excitement of the day before it is trivialized by the world. Asking Him for guidance before I ask someone else to pray. Being still and present long enough for Him to pour out real love, real blessing and real comfort on my head like anointed oil straight from Heaven before I try to fill the longing. Talking to Him, before I talk about Him. 

How does this happen???

                ... I begin to believe the lie that someone else, something else can fill the gap. I allow counterfeit to compel me ... and substitutes to satisfy. 

And I am left ...

Empty 

Searching for more at the end of the day in dry or contaminated wells, equally broken cisterns and so often ... mirages. 

Oh God, be the Living Water my soul longs for in this wilderness we call life. Let me seek You first, Your Kingdom ... knowing that all these things will be added because of your Great Love.