I listened to a sermon late last night ...

and the charge at the end of the podcast was to write down what you've a dream that you've had that you think is too big for God.

And essentially, what I think Scott was getting at was "ask Him to do what you think is impossible".

Just, ask Him.

That's been playing through my mind the entire day. ALL DAY- I've tried to stay busy, tried to be funny, tried to talk men and relationships and kids and football with a friend ... and ALL DAY I've failed to do any of it whole-heartedly because I am so pre-occupied.

You see, a couple of weeks ago I sat at dinner with one of my best friends ... and she asked me what I've dreamed of doing. And I had no answer ... which bugged me. I don't know if it bugged her or not, but it really bugged me. No dreams. Proverbs tells us a people without vision perish. Can you have vision without dreams? Or just by definition, does one require, even demand the other? She had created a list of things she wanted to do ... and she'd accomplished a good many of the things she recounted at dinner that night. I couldn't even think of one thing I dreamed of ...

what has happened to me??

So my feathers got ruffled again last night as I listened to the sermon. Give up? I've given up dreaming, not just a particular dream, but dreaming altogether. So I began thinking about the dreams I once held dear and thought maybe those would work ... I'm task oriented ... if he wanted me to give up something, by George, I needed to come up with something ...

So here goes ...

I gave up my dream to

be the chairman of the education department at Maryville College
play on a softball team again
finish my Masters Degree
pursue a PhD
write a book
take piano lessons
have more children
travel

Those were the things I wanted to 'do' ...

but there's more to the story here ...

in some areas I haven't 'given up' as much as I've become resigned to several things ... and isn't that really the same as giving up ???

I've become resigned to
the fact that I will always live paycheck to paycheck- even if I hate it.
the fact that I am a barely adequate wife- not an excellent wife.
the fact that I am usually way too intense for most people.
the fact that my heart is harder than most on the exterior, but softer than most on the interior. Good luck finding that place though, I haven't been able to do it.


There are probably more that fear just won't allow to surface ...
But tonight I give this list to Him. I am committed to woalk in the Light of what He choses in each area- but in each area, I'd love to see Him do his thing ... even if I don't deserve it!