School starts in 10 days ...

we don't usually speak works that even look like that around here. Usually, AJ gets up one morning, mid-July, when we have nothing on the schedule and I say, "Let's get going on 3rd grade, 4th grade"- whatever.

But those words are ever in our vocabulary right now. School starts in 3 weeks. 2 weeks. Now, 10 days.

And for me- Monday, at least I think. Still no contract in hand. No confirmation on the specific teaching assignment. It's pretty clear the Lord isn't really all that concerned about how being out of control makes my stomach churn and my head hurt. I really believed that this job would come with a little more security. Not feeling it so much at this point. I feel qualified and well prepared (especially after this week) that I can make a difference in the science program. Just want to know that I'm doing the right thing ... it's back to the partial provision issue. No clear direction there except there were many opportunities available and none offered yet. Heard several times this week- God's never early, never late, always right on time. SO- my need to always be 15 minutes early everywhere I go probably doesn't phase Him either.

So- this morning- we go school clothes shopping. Something AJ has never done. There's not much call for specific clothing when you homeschool ... the co-op has some specifics, but they are minimal and we always had stuff in the closet that met those criteria. This is a little different. And keeping up with the Jones' is a little more important to my kid than I realized. So ... today we will venture out and see what we can find to meet both the need and the want. Shorts, belts, t-shirts, a haircut ... all on the list.

But most of all- just a day with my fella. The fella I've spent the better part of everyday with for the past 6 years- and if I could find it within my heart to truly admit-outloud (which I will not do for his sake) ... probably speaks more loudly than anything else regarding my fears. If I do the wrong thing for me, I'm doing the wrong thing for him. And after sowing everything, literally everything, I have into him - that scares me to death. And then there's the whole issue of other people with him (even people I trust and care for) more than I am. And I can not even venture there without doubting this whole thing. I hate change. Not to mention the feeling of being too much and not enough all at once.

These days don't hold much change for Randy- not really. If the schedule holds, I can probably still manage all the regular requirements for at least minimal peace. He'll have clothes and food at the ready- and as litte clutter as I can manage. Maybe my inability to manage it all is at the center of why the doors haven't opened.

Well- this is disjointed at best- and reflects the turmoil that I just needed to put down on paper somehow. Days like today I wish I had family close by to help out- though I probably wouldn't let them anyway. Some days just the appearance of a back up is enough.

Some days.