I have a new tool ...

My friend Vanessa gave me for no particular occasion a new devotional ... Jesus Calling ... and I am being challenged by it everyday ...

As I've been considering this idea of the mat we're lying on ... well, I've been focused on the malady that put us there ... the event in life ... that caused the pain that put me on the proverbial mat. I wanted to look at abuse of an uncle and abandonment by my dad and the realization that continually in life others have been chose over me ... but the honest truth is ... the Lord has done a work in all those areas ... I've forgiven the offenses ... I've really worked through most of the details of those memories. There was a day, not so many months ago even when memories of those events were overwhelming. Not so any longer. Through much prayer, an Ipod that blares praise music in my ear most of the night ... and a God who finally said, enough ... every night is not plagued with night terrors. He is good ... and I can not tell you how in awe I am of this- I believed my sleep would always be a battleground of the past chasing me down, wrestling me to the ground and I would be left to pick myself up the next morning and act like God had 'healed this thing' ... because I always felt like my inability to overcome spoke of my weakness, my unbelief and a lack of trust.

As the past few months have worn on ... I'm beginning to be less hard on myself. Realizing that if God chooses to heal me of this, He will. And if He does not, He will equip to contend. And He has. It doesn't mean I don't grow weary ... I do. Two weeks ago, I had to sleep in a strange place ... in a bed with someone I do not know well. I woke with my arm knit tightly into the metal frame of the sofa bed, my hand had painfully fallen asleep, my hand was achy because of the grip holding me to the edge.

I think the arm knit tightly into the metal frame and my achy hand are a picture of my heart ... it was effective to keep me on the edge ... it protected me from rolling toward the middle ...  But I didn't relax all night, I didn't rest, I didn't sleep. I managed. I put on a happy face in the morning ... more aware of not wanting someone else to feel awkward, not waning someone else to be impacted by my baggage- knowing they might have baggage too ... knowing that my stuff continually impacts those around me ... and I'd rather suffer silently than have one of the multitude of negative things happen. I'm freaky about unexpected touch. I've been known to swing in my sleep, have hit people who try to scare me, especially from behind (my 12 years old at the time nephew among the ones who made me cry- not from fear, from shame), I Fell down a flight of steps once because my husband playfully pinched my bottom as he passed me. I position myself in a room so that people can't come up behind me if I'm in a place I don't feel secure. But I can actually be caught off guard and embarrass myself in the most unlikely of places. Funny how it usually makes everyone around me as uncomfortable as it makes me ... The stories go on and on. And as I've gotten older, I've learned to squelch the urge to swing and scream most of the time ... even though the physical reaction in my body is the same ... it's is often a silent panic attack ... and I can't explain how that works. Except the truth is ... I don't just say I want to blend into the background, I really do.

Add to this that financially, things are wonky. Job is uncertain. AJ wants to go to Nicaragua for a mission trip for a month this summer. I so want to follow God in this God Story ministry. My relationships seem fragile and my emotions ever close to the surface.

So what does that have to do with the Jesus Calling book? Well today's devotion is Trust in me One Day at a time ... "exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances" is the challenge. And while it 'seems' right ... is it what I'm doing already that feels so fake? I guess that's what I lay at the feet of the Father ... I don't want to be fake. But I don't want to be a poor witness just because I'm a slow learner.  I don't want people to look at my inability to 'get over' it as a lack of His ability. Or my faith in Him. I know ... I really do. But some days it just harder.

I'm so blessed to have people praying for me. So blessed to have people who believe in my healing. So blessed ... and I want to live up to that blessing. I do.

Lord Jesus ... let my life represent all you have offered. In the midst of circumstances which don't make sense. Let my words and deeds never bring you shame- but always point to your goodness and mercy.