My life needs about 4 different Theme Songs right now ...

The most obnoxious but telling would be Crazy Train ... okay ... I don't know the lyrics and don't want to ... please don't send  me hate email because I mentioned it ...

but my life is a crazy train once school starts ... there are multiple trips between school and home most days ... church is 25 miles in the completely opposite direction ... my husband feels neglected ...  my house looks neglected ... I don't get to write and my emotions get bottle up ... and laundry begins to pile up. Thankfully I have carpooling friends who pick AJ up a couple of times a week or we wouldn't have underwear and socks by the end of the week.

because Crazy Train speed catches up with me quickly, and I am running on week 4 of it ... She's a Maniac is beginning to find itself on the Theme Song playlist. I find  myself running from my racing heart and mind ... in some ways it the month ... and the season. My heart peeks around the corners of my memory wondering "what if" and crying "if only" ... it isn't healthy, Christ-centered or productive. But my OCD kicks in and right now I have a current video running that I can't seem to locate the off button which is in control. For most people, I know that doesn't make any sense ... only focus on one thing, pray more, exercise more, don't think about it ... all seem like wonderful advice and solutions but unless the Lord sees fit to take it away again, I'm stuck. I know it wears on those around  me ... and I have blisters on my heart where the repetitive places continue to rub!

This morning ... I want to life out the Glory Revealed song Restore to Me ... for several months the Lord has been speaking to me about a few areas ... one is where will I invest my resources? Related to that is the reality that as I invest in too many places it just looks insincere and half-hearted. If I only listen with one ear to the person I am with and I continue to plan for the next place that I have to be ... I am not really investing in that person. I am a people pleaser who also has a strong sense of compassion and mercy. I really WANT to listen to everyone who needs an ear. And often the Lord puts me in places to listen. That I can do. But I can not go deeply into relationship with more than about 5 friends. And really ... 3 is my optimum number if I am going to feel at the end of the day I have invested in them the way Jesus wants us to invest. As I look at the friendships(Jonathan and David, Ruth and Naomi, Elizabeth and Mary, Paul and Timothy) that are recounted in scripture ... it isn't full of large groups. It is small, intimate groups that do life together. But I get caught up in being everywhere at once ... and being everything to everyone. This is a lesson I must not be learning because the Lord keeps visiting it upon my heart. I don't think most people see the value of doing life this way ... and honestly, I don't see  how it is practical in our world. This is something I'm talking to my friends, my students and  my family about on a fairly regular basis ... and I don't know the answers.

And then there is there is the song You Are Loved by Hope's Call ... and it is the Theme Song that I hide in my heart as the goal to wear completely ... You are loved with no conditions, you are loved with no remorse ... The Jesus Calling for today and tomorrow address just this idea ... yes, today's and tomorrow's ... I got the days confused. Today, it words are ones which speak of love and longing of the Father has for us. I hold out ... I hold out on my husband. I hold out of my family. I hold out on my friendships. I hold out on my God.

This morning he smiled as he came down the stairs and said, "I love it when you just allow yourself to relax in my arms" ... and while that should make me feel warm and secure. The truth is that in the moment, I panicked knowing that last night I was fragile, tired and needy ... I became vulnerable. We hadn't had a chance to hardly speak in days. I had some info I needed him to weigh in on. I had a couple of issues I just needed to say out loud to someone. I needed us to discuss an upcoming break. I didn't know how to compete with the TV- so I went onto upstairs determined to stay awake. When I came out of the shower he was there ... each item on my heart exposed. Apologetically I moved next to him and drifted off to sleep. And as he spoke so sweetly this morning, there was a heaviness in my chest that I don't understand. I needed him to hold me. And yet I need distance in the reality of the day.

I miss my family. There are times I need a mom. I need a dad. I need my sister. And yet, I so easily get sucked into the chaos of it that fear keeps me from reaching out.

Friendships are just complicated. Its the whole idea of investing, half-heartedness and security. And there are times that isolation just feels safe. I need Bible Study to start ...when I invest so heavily in my students and their families, I need to be certain I am placing myself in situations where I am being fed. At least it keeps me connected in real ways talking about important things.

Then there's the hold out on God ... Sunday Scott talked about the want to be a people on fire for God. I want so much to be that person. I want to get up out of my seat and run to the alter when the spirit moves and not linger wondering what others will think. I want to ignore the enemy's voice in my ear. I want to feed the spark instead of quenching it. Lord, make my feet quick to respond ... as my heart hears your voice!

I am reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. I am finding that my deepest crave is one that I have denied for many many years. As I seek to not hold out ... I pray that i can let the Lord speak to this area and fill me so full of Himself that I will not be afraid of this part of who God  made me to be. I think it is the key to finding a theme song that I can rest in daily!!