Several years ago ...

I watched a precious friendship go awry ...

that word barely covers it. It was painful to watch. As I am prone to do, I tried to decide how I would do it differently should I find myself in a similar situation. I loved both of these folks dearly and really, when it was all said and done- the aftermath just hurt.

not quite a year ago I watched from a much closer vantage point how damage can be done in a relationship and how quickly feelings get hurt, anger spews and righteous indignation makes itself the special of the day on the menu.

Since then, I've told myself that honesty is the key. Letting people know how you feel, communicating expectations and needs ... afterall, friendship or marriage or student-teacher interactions aren't really meant to be guessing games. They are relationships with people's hearts at stake. And yet continually, I find that while that technique works in theory, in practice- it's not as effective. It makes some presumptions that may or may not be true-

One presumption is that

just because you(and by you I mean "ME") let the need be known-
doesn't mean that anyone is listening
or that the people who are listening care (or should for that matter).

another:
just because it was clear in your mind and you would have responded thusly
doesn't mean anyone else has a clue you were saying anything important
or again that they care that you spoke (or should for that matter).

another:
just because you state an expectation doesn't make the receiver responsible for responding w/compliance
or once again that they even care about your expectation(or should for that matter).

another:
just because I would respond in a situation one way-doesn't make it the right way
or that anyone is interested in how I would respond(or should be for that matter).


Do you see the theme here ...

we tell people things, we share our hearts, we share needs, expectations and feelings anticipating a response of some sort. And really, when we throw ourselves out into the real REAL world- what we have to be ready for is getting whatever we get. Regardless. And somehow I find myself less and less ready for that as the days pass lately. What's up with that? Even though I KNOW it's true- I can not control how other people act or treat me ... in equal measure I find myself hurt by the fact that they could have controlled it and didn't. And it boils down to the fact no one pays attention to what their actions communicate to another.

I'm just as guilty.

So today I'm left with wondering how to make this all work. It was really easier when I didn't care so much.