Stolen Property ... and what was it worth to the Enemy? EDITED ... double yikes

I'm reading Fresh Faith by Jim Cymbala ... I can't seem to go quickly-which is what I do when things strike me hard ... I pour through them like a bat outta, well-you know ... so that my heart doesn't catch up with my head ... then things just meander through my mind at various times- I think it's how the Lord allows me to not be overwhelmed by it all. This is different though. I've been through Esther, One in a Million, Secret of the Lord and now Breaking Free ... and well, I'm just tired of running.

Anyway ... today I'm re-reading Chapter One and Two ... the main point he's trying to make centers around John 10:10 "The theif comes only to steal, kill and destroy." And Cymbala gives the charge to take back the stolen property of our lives.

There's a lot of stolen property ... I know there is ... but taking it back means looking long enough to identify it. And it means I have to want the property bad enough stand still and look for it. And I think it is the beginning of the question I posed earlier ... how do we live like we're loved? If I know that I am loved by a Heavenly Father, who knows me, has known me since before the creation of the earth, who knows what I've done, what's been done to me and what the cost has been ... then why should I be afraid, ashamed, embarrassed or intimidated to look at what the enemy has stolen from me?

And yet the truth is ... I am ...

afraid of what others will think.
ashamed what I've seen.
embarrassed by what I've done.
intimidated by what that knowledge could cost me.

I've walked a little of that path in the past 8 weeks or so ... and so, the level of innocense lost is known. And there have been some new realizations on my part.

How do I reclaim innocence? Really reclaim it. The words "once you know something, how do you un-know it" came to mind today. There are so many things I can't un-know.

So ... item number one on the stolen list is my innocense.

How to reclaim it, well, that's another blog entry, and maybe another leg of the journey.

However, the admission begs the question ... if it was stolen, what was it's worth to the enemy? Why would he want my innocense?

Well, let's see ... it causes me to question my ability to serve in any meaningful capacity.
... it causes me to question my ability to love.
... it causes me to question my ability to be loved.
... it causes me to question my want to be loved.
... it causes me to question my worthiness to be loved.
... it causes my view of the love between a parent and child to be skewed.
... it causes my view of the love between a husband and wife to be skewed.
... it causes my view of the love between friends to be skewed.
... it causes me to believe that my worth comes from what I can do.
... it causes me to question the validity of my worth in my family.
... it causes me to question ... period.

Knowing hinders my ability to just believe.

And that's only the beginning ... there are things that a loss of innocense cost me that words can scarcely cover.
And, that's only one thing that was stolen ... the truth is, if the enemy thought it was important enough to take it from me- it must have had some eternal worth the the Father. And therefore, no matter how much the world tells us that the loss of innocense is no big deal ...

I'm living proof - it must be a big deal!