Undeniable Pt 2

So ... while I want my way ... I think I'm finding that I'm having an "awkward turtle" moment.

It's just awkward for me right now- I've asked the Lord to let me step into the Light ...

Scott compared the Christian walk to an old Poloroid picture. Once He's imprinted your life and you expose it to the light of His word ...

things get awkward.

It's awkward having Jesus look at and expose our junk. My junk - at best- looks awkward when He's bringing it all into focus. It's not really unlike having a picture taken of myself in real life right now ... I hate what I see ... I look older, I have a significant double chin ... and every pound that I weigh stares me in the face - because the picture is a perfect image of what's on the outside. Well ... the picture that Jesus reflects is the perfect image of what's on the inside ... and it's just as disgusting.

Raw emotions, hurt feelings, disappointment, feelings of inadequacy ...

things that for years I've said I do not feel. I will not be effected by. You are not going to hurt me again. And you could be anyone ... but is no one inparticular.

And yet the truth is I am impacted by these things ... no matter how tightly I clinch my fists and scream "I won't let you won't hurt me" ... when I get left out or ignored or I'm not as important ... it hurts. No matter how quietly I slip away and say in a whisper, "I will not get my feelings hurt, I will not embarrass myself by needing more- needing anything" ... the truth is - no matter how much I say it- it's a lie.

And as I've started to let His Light shine into my life, asking Him to heal my heart, I'm finding that in the healing, there's some feeling that I wasn't expecting.

Reminds me of a snake who has shed it's skin ... and is now tender and exposed ...
a necessary process.

But painful.