I asked Him

I've really struggled the past few days. In truth, I've felt the battle coming for over a week.Surface conversations. Walks that lead nowhere. Avoidance. Lies. Gray. Fear. I wasn't sure what it was ... thought maybe it was hormanal, maybe it was that I just simply had too much time on my hands last week to think ... but now I know it was impending battle. I'm thankful I can look back over the course of the past few weeks and know that the Lord has been faithful to draw me to Himself. I've spent a lot of time in the Word. But nonetheless, when the battle ensued on Saturday afternoon and things began to spiral out of control, while I was able to take every thought captive during my waking hours, in my sleep, dreams and horrible nightmares overtook me. And by Sunday morning, I was pretty much in a tail-spin. That tailspin worked its way into thoughts I haven't had in years by yesterday afternoon.

Sleep deprived I tried to nap- incapacitated by angry dreams, with reminders of awful things ... but this time, it wasn't direct memories of days gone by, but rather hurtful things, hinting at what happened. This is new. And I spent most of the afternoon asking God, "what is this all about?"

I felt alone, angry, hurt, abandoned ... afterall, I'm trying to do something big for you God. Something I know is important, something I know is way bigger than me ... and yet, I find myself in this really hard place. AGAIN ... really, really? I can't do any of this without You, so why are you letting this thing that threatens to pull me away again ... attack ... again.

I reached out to those I knew would pray.

One had already been praying for many miles because she saw the hurt in my eyes ... again. When she said it, the enemy whispered in my ear, "She'll tire of praying for you about this! She's strong, she can't understand this weakness. God loves her too much to force her to endure your trauma(or is it just drama?)" It was almost as if his spit hit me in the face as he hissed at me. Her next text suggested I sleep with my Bible under my pillow, on my chest, whatever it took. I knew she was praying ... and I chose to believe she wasn't tiring of my battle.

One text and then she called to tell me she too had been struggling. She said something that reminded me that my iPod had been a refuge sometime ago when invasive thoughts were hindering me.She promised to pray and I knew it was true.

One that I text that I wonder about her dependance on the Lord leaned toward humor and taking it easy on myself. She means well, but it probably answers some of the questions I've been asking the Lord on her behalf lately. She is dear to me and the call to share my struggle with her is real. Times like this help me remember that it is not all about me. 

One reminded me that He will fight my battles for me and encouraged me to dwell in His Word before bed.

And yet another came late in the night. The one who has loved me the longest was just broken before the Lord on my behalf that I had to do this yet again. When her words called me her "precious one" tears flowed and all I wanted was a set of arms to crawl up in and hide.

The evening came to a late end- I was reading in bed ... no iPod, no scripture, no Bible ... Randy was ready for bed and was snoring before I could muster the plea for him to protect me in the night from myself. I tried to force myself into sleep that my body was screaming it needed.

A long night began ... waking every hour or so, again, the same dreams. Awful things I want my mind rid of these awful things! When I woke at 4 ... I decided I would pray until I fell asleep, not just lie back down and hope for forced rest. In my heart I sang the praise song that rang through the church yesterday morning, "OH Holy God, I stand amazed ... " and began to put my own words into words I could not recall ... Oh Holy God, I stand amazed ... that you've taken this woman who has disobeyed you and placed me in this life. Oh Holy God, I stand amazed ... that you've given me a precious son, a wonderful husband and hope for our marriage.Oh Holy God, I stand amazed, that you've given me friends who would take their time, their energies and their resources and pray for me.  Over and over again in words that didn't fit the rhythm of the song but spoke to the need of my heart, until sleep came.

And then it did. When I woke @ 8am. I remembered I hadn't registered my Bible verse for the 15th yet ... Jer 33:3 ... I'd have to look it up to know exactly what it said.

Jer. 33:3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’

Great ... Lord, I'm tired of discovering these hurtful things that I didn't know. Why is it that they keep coming ... one memory at a time. one.hurt.after.the.other ... like bullets plunged into my leg, my shoulder, my knee ... places that hurt and hinder movement ... but they don't kill you. Even if sometimes you wish they would.

And then, I ASKED HIM ... "Lord, what do you want from me??? I've confessed, confronted, told, shared, laid down ... what more do you want?"

And He answered, "I want everything. I want the things you remember. I want the things you do not. Give them all to me. Give them all to me. Lay them all down. Stop being afraid of what's coming next. Know that I have covered that too. I want everything."

Everything. You know, I've been giving Him things as they come to me ... and I've been pretty faithful in that ... trying to be faithful in it. At times, there would be something new I had to give Him. Sometimes I pickup things I've laid down and have to go back to the Cross and lay it down again. But I know there has been growth.

Even as I formulated those thoughts this morning, I was keenly aware of His voice in my ear, saying, "Yes, you have. That's why it's not a flashback dream. It's what you are afraid happened. It's how you are afraid you responded. It's what the enemy has to use against you. The things you've given to me my sweet daughter, are no longer accessible to Satan. But those things you hang onto, they are fair game because you are trying to manage them or ignore them on your own. Give them to me."

Jer. 33:3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’

I'm calling on you Lord. I'm calling onYou. I don't need to know the specifics unless you need me to know them. But I need to know you. I need to know all you have for me to know ... the unsearchable things.

And so today, I gave Him the things I do not know. The things that I can not remember. The things that might come to my mind later. The things that may never surface. I give Him my fear of what might have been. I will trust Him in the unknown things. I will trust Him in the things that are unsearchable to me ... things that I have been searching for 25 years to find. Things that He will reveal when He choses- or the things from which He will guard me. I will not wait for the ghost around the bend. I will not wait for my Loving Heavenly Father to sideswipe me with new stuff ...

and I realized that was exactly the posture, the attitude, the heart behind my words. Regardless of the words. The attitude was that ... I approached the segway of my past and my future memories as things God, the loving God in whom I say I trust, would use to tackle me again.

And even as I type that, I have to confess what a ridiculous notion that is and pray that He will tend to that place in my heart that treats Him as if He were limited to human responses/motivations/actions.

Oh Lord Jesus, let this be a time when I can come to know you in the fullness of your Love. Not my limited searchable knowledge of you, but truly in the unsearchable places of even my very own heart ... places only You know.