3 lifelines today ...

and I needed them.

And I don't mean the kind that come when you are playing Who Wants To Be a Millionaire ... but oh how appropriate that would be during this season.

You see ... I've been skating on thin ice emotionally, spiritually for several days. I've spent time in the Word. I've been outside. I've spent time talking to the Father. But the reality of what lies ahead for us in a couple of areas, but one in particular, well, it's quite overwhelming. My knowledge that God is in control is in tact, but my knowledge that I can withstand what it's going to take to get through ... is wavering. It's taking a toll on my sleep ... it's taking a toll on my patience ... it's taking a toll on my display of the fruits of the spirit in my walk ... it's made some weary of this journey ... it's made others question whether I"m no a journey at all ... and for some, well, I can't help but know that they will snicker in the peanut gallery as it all comes to pass.

And this morning, the reality became pretty evident ... unless God does something God-sized for us. The consequences will indeed come to pass.

And the ice broke ... as a matter of fact, it shattered ... I was drowning. But needed to keep it together for those around me. In my visual mind ... I see me like a bobber with arms ... just trying to stay on top of the water ... but as soon as I was alone ... the fish ran ... and I sank.

The text offering to actually come get  me for the ladies gather came after I'd spent 2 hours in tears this morning and was just finishing getting dressed. The next text for coffee instead of a large gathering was more what I felt I could manage this morning. It gave me just enough room to let go of part of what was suffocating me. After just a few minutes lingering around the circumstances of life, came some plain ole in the Word digging. It was not looking for Truth to cover my circumstances, but Truth just the same.In talking about the Word, it reconnected my heart to the Father ... and some of my confidence resurfaced from under ...  it was during the brief finishing moments of our conversation that the first lifeline came and it sounded something like this ...

God can use us BECAUSE of our circumstances, not just in spite of them.

Does the truth and freedom of that grab you the way that it did me this morning. I don't constantly have to keep looking over my shoulder wondering will anybody find out what I did ... as long as along the way I'm constantly pointing to what God has done!  Because the enemy whispers in my ear and screams all at the same time ... lies. I know they're lies most of the time ... but why are they louder than the truth even in the whispers? That is a question I am asking these days a lot.

The second lifeline came in my google reader box ... Marisa spoke clearly about what I've wanted all day long. A do-over. Could I just do some things over ... her words spoke just what my heart longs for in the childlike fashion of a kickball game ... and yet my adult mind continually reminds me that there are no such things as do overs. And this lifeline came with a life preserver on the end of it ... Lysa Terkeurst's post about I Under-stand absolutely blew me away. After weeks of struggling with trying to explain myself ... trying to wade through ... trying to define what's wrong ... and finally just giving in to the weight of knowing I am really crazy and saying nevermind ... I found the answer in this quote where Lysa is speaking to a friend ...

"I simply under-stand.
Under… to dip low and find that same place that lies beneath my outside veneer.
We all have an under.
And I admit, “I’ve felt mean so many times too. I’ve set out to have a super day with my kids only to be red faced and aggravated minutes later. Buckling under the weight of my imperfections, I’ve wondered if I’ll ever get it right. It sometimes feels like all the other moms are doing it better. But that’s not true. All moms struggle.”
Stand… to come alongside in a position of strength, closeness, and unwavering support.
We all need those friends who we know will stand right with us.
And I reassure, “Somehow, God shows us how and fills in the gaps if we ask Him. The fact you’re crying shows a heart tender enough for God’s molding and shaping to occur. Don’t listen to the world’s answers. And don’t fall into the trap of trying to be like other moms. Just saturate yourself in God’s truth and trust the gut instincts He gives you.”

My husband will sometimes accuse  me of wanting to be right.
But the truth is ...
even if I'm dead wrong ...
and sometimes I am ...
um, really, lots of times I am ...

I just want to be understood.
I want to be known.
I want to know that I'm not crazy, that it makes sense that I feel the way I do, even if the feeling is wrong.
You see, my issue isn't a mommy issue right now, it's a deep-seeded insecurity issue.
Who is going to ever take care of me?
And while the quick, Sunday School answer is God.
And the right answer is God ...
And the reality is God is the only one who can do that every time,
consistently,
completely ...

I need to be understood.

My heart cried out silently last night as I lay my head on my pillow asking why.

And this morning He answered ...

with a friend who spoke to my heart and got it ... and even now doesn't know what the most pressing thing on my heart was because it is just too tender, but she gets it just the same

with a small group member and fellow-blogger who put words to the feelings I could not express

with a speaker/author/woman who cut right to the heart of my matter ... and reassured me it was okay to want to be under-stood ... and reminded me of the call to be that for another ... in one stroke of the pen ... or keyboard as the case may be!

Lord, thank you for lifelines ...