So often I come to the keyboard still working out what’s on my heart. I know it shows some days. And sometime, my words don’t do what I set out to do when I started this blog and that is to encourage.



Today might start out looking that way … but today the Lord taught me something important. Funny, less than an hour ago it was something I knew was there, but I was willing to live with and wanted the Lord to live with too.


This isn’t a neat little story that starts out once upon a time … it’s a convoluted twisting of my life -past and present.


When I woke this morning I was wide awake. I didn’t want to be … I wanted to see AJ off to school, crawl back into bed, take a Nyquil, pull the covers over my head until time to go to Bible Study tonight and put on a happy face … ignoring the fact that we have a God-sized hole in a particular account in our life. Denying that there are needs.


I woke to scenes of devastation only miles from our home. A tornado ripped through a community where there are people we know and love … most of whom have texted this morning. So as I watched there was this horrible battle within me that I have been trying to wade through for a couple of months, as I’ve seen our deficit building … I was certain it was greed. Selfishness. Jealousy. Materialism.


Could I not look upon this destruction and be thankful?? Really, I’m still going to pout? Really??

I’ve really been quite disappointed in myself. Because for most of my life it hasn’t been about who has the most toys. And in my heart I couldn’t even really wrap my brain around why I was being impacted by our lack of vacation, my lack of someone to clean my house, my inability to go buy AJ a new shoes, new shorts because he has outgrown every pair he has … the feeling I couldn’t even put a name on as it swelled so huge in my chest. I’ve laid it before the Lord. Am I just jealous?? Is that it? Jealous really doesn’t fit Lord, but is that it?? It wasn’t like the ‘thing’ that seemed to consume me even made that much difference in my heart. But I have even confessed parts of it to friends and felt zero confirmation in my heart beyond the fact that it is important to be content in our circumstances

- which is a Biblical truth and ought ring true not just when we are out of compliance but at all times!


Because it is TRUTH.


Does that make sense?? I was looking at the truth of contentment to be the remedy to the root problem of jealousy.

But it wasn’t impacting the root … that strange feeling was still there.

Unbelief? It’s always my fall back sin. Is my faith not strong enough? But Lord, I have seen Your hand … I know You work. I KNOW … I believe. Truly I do.


What is it that lingers as I say that … it isn’t doubt that He knows … it isn’t doubt that He will work …

this morning as Randy recounted the needs to me, there it was again. That feeling.


When Randy asked this morning, “Do you not believe God is going to come through?” I said yes. But there it was again. That feeling…

And after I sat with tears I couldn’t hide from him streaming in anger and frustration I sent the following series of texts …
Ok … today is a test and with tears streaming down my face and a knowledge in my head that there is no earthly way out of this mess … I am confessing with my mouth and believing in my fearful heart that God will provide a way … some way for us … I’m not standing mad today … I’m just standing like that little girl waiting on her daddy to show up … hoping beyond hope that he will come quickly.

An assurance came :

Amy He will and one day u will look back and reflect on just how amazing He really is!!


And then my heart really surfaced …

I’m holding on to that and deciding to believe but I am telling you that this morning … it is the same feeling as sitting on the curb waiting for my daddy to show up … the panic that set in my chest as the minutes tick by and I was still waiting … neighbors coming to check … and the humiliation of being left there again … I was faithful to my dad to a fault … I can’t be more faithful than God … He has to be working something out in me, right?

You need to forgive him.

Um … I don’t think so God. NO

More of my heart:
I can choose right … I don’t have to feel it … I can choose to believe … belief isn’t an emotion.

I think I need to forgive my dad.

I really don’t want to do this Lord. I’ll live with this one. He’s there, I’m here. Our lives have nothing to do with one another.

Confirmation came …the one I wanted. Truth … good, solid truth.


Amy I think you hit it! It (belief) is a choice. U can choose to believe a positive or a negative. I choose to believe the best instead of the worst.
And my heart is further exposed …


Believing the worst simply points to my fear of the worst … I never loved anyone like I loved my dad. And it’s been a long time since I let those words out of my mouth … but the realization of the magnitude of what he did started a root of bitterness that I have been refusing to look at more than a glance and I need to forgive I knew it as I was texting you this morning and said no in my heart. He brought me back to it in scripture-immediately.

Mark 11: 23-26.

There it was … forgive … His favor, His answer, His blessing all dependant up on forgiving.


I took a brief detour to look at a friend’s splinter in the eye … but it pointed my own out so clearly.

Maybe now we’re nearing the root? unforgiveness? seriously?

My tendency to look for the worst points to my greatest fear … That I won’t be loved. That I will be abandoned. That I will be left behind for someone else more important/more fun/prettier/skinnier/smarter/more talented. That I wouldn’t be tough/rough/strong enough. That I will not be enough. That I will not be taken care … and it will happen publicly, for everyone to see … again.


You see, I’ve lived a lifetime saying it didn’t matter.
Didn’t matter that we had crummy clothes.

Didn’t matter that we couldn’t go cool places.

Didn’t matter that my teeth ached.

Didn't matter that my glasses needed replacing.

Didn’t matter that I had to steal.

Didn’t matter that I didn’t have my physical needs met.

Didn’t matter that I didn’t have my spiritual and emotional needs met.


Did

Not

Matter


Stamping my foot at my past and saying I will not let it defeat me. I will not let it win. In my more noble, spiritual moments, I would add some trite, if God can use this it will make it ok. But the truth was, nothing could make the things that happened ok. And, with a stockpile of memories that remind my heart that it can’t trust anyone …

I began to trying to believe …

but what I believed was that He would work.

He would do what He was going to do.


And my being taken care of … well, it wasn’t very important to Him.


After all, look at all the times He’d ‘taken care of me before’ … and so I wait for God to let me down. Just like my earthly father had done over and over.


I wait for Randy to let me down.

I wait for my Mom to let me down.

I wait for Dad to let me down.

I wait for my sister to let me down.

I wait for dear friends to let me down.
Let me down. Choose against me. Leave me out. Prefer someone else over me. Take care of her … him … them … but not me.
Guard the heart of another while hanging mine out to dry.

In silence, knowing …

 I would wait.

At first glance you might think, how manipulative.
What a set up!

What a rotten thing to do.


Well, let me just tell you, that picture isn’t really accurate … I wasn’t sitting back saying … wonder if they’ll do what I want this time.

100% of the time, I was sitting back with the enemy squarely in my ear hearing him say,


“don’t you wish you could tell them what you want … what you need(u r so weak)?? They will let you down and you will look stupid to everyone-remember how Mr. and Mrs. Sharp would sit on the front porch and watch you wait. You were pathetic- you are pathetic. They’ll tell everyone how needy you are …they’ll make fun of you behind your back … they’ll stop calling … they’ll stop caring. If they wanted to see you, help you, be with you, be there for you … they would. You know, you’ve never been important enough to care for … You aren’t their responsibility. Depend upon that Heavenly Father of yours that is so able to supply!! Just wait on HIM … remember how that worked out so well when you were a kid“


Can you feel the venom that came through each and every word? I can almost feel the spit, hot and searing, flying through his teeth as quickly as the accusations against these people I love.

It built that feeling in me. And that feeling was finally revealed clearly to me this morning as I sat crying, texting, reading …

You see … that feeling is the one that stokes the burning fire in the 12 year old little girl voice … it is dread and embarrassment and angst and anger and frustration and shame and guilt and fear and questions … wrapped in a dirty blue t-shirt with a bound chest, trying to be something I couldn’t be … trying to be enough … trying to be needed even if it was to clean up vomit and beer … trying to be wanted even if the need wasn’t one a daughter should fulfill … trying to stay out of the line of fire and wanting attention all in one swift motion of time that was as fleeting as the need that was pressing.


Silence that was overwhelming.

And for the 12 year old little girl. The worst happened.

His alcoholism allowed an uncle that wasn’t trustworthy to have access to my sister and I in unthinkable ways. It distorted … it robbed me of innocence and purity. It took my security … and it destroyed in me hope.

“She was 40 when she was 4” … is so accurate. I did not play. I did not pretend. It was just too risky!!


The irony today is … what I expect, creates behavior in me that often results in just what I fear happening. The need goes unspoken, so the need goes unmet. If I‘m really honest, the need isn’t just unspoken, often it is boldly covered over and denied in the face of honest, discerning inquiry. Covered with the heart cries of a 12 year old little girl in me that is stronger-willed than the 43 year old woman voice I struggle to find some days, saying “I don’t need anyone!”

And it is a lie.
But today, it is time to lay it down. To forgive.
I forgive you for not providing for me. I forgive you for not picking me. I forgive you for not showing up … over and over. I forgive you that your choices robbed me of my innocence. I forgive you that you left me alone. I forgive you that you made me hate being a girl. I forgive you that you wanted a son. I forgive you that I almost don’t know how to dream. I forgive you that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what if … I forgive you. And I choose to lay it down and not hold it against you anymore. I choose. Period.

Lord Jesus, Help me to rest in the face of this forgiveness. Help me to rest knowing that you have my past, present and future in your hand. Help me to release my dad from the consequences of his choices. If my unforgiveness is what is preventing your blessings from flowing into our family, please release Randy and AJ from the grip of my sin!! I confess right now I have harbored unforgiveness and bitterness in an effort to protect my heart. I release the protection of my heart into Your hands. Forgive me for eing afraid that You aren't going to show up! We need you to come to our rescue! Help me to write these God Stories ... because it is in the God Story that Your faithfulness is shown ... in the face of the enemy's attack ... in the face of worldly circumstances that are hard ... when life doesn't make sense! It's where your Glory shines!