What a week ...

I can't believe it's Tuesday ... and yet I can't believe it is only Tuesday.

Baseball game cancelled tonight, filled immediately with things that need to be done.

I can only suppose that there will someday be moments where I need things to fill the empty spaces. I know it will happen ... AJ is going away for a few days in two weeks ... and wants to travel to Nicaragua for a month this summer. And I find myself almost in a panic about how I will fill the days. I have long known that I do not do still well ... in truth, I do break-neck pace best of all. Every moment filled- every ... single ... one.

And yet God has called me to do something that requires that I find time to be alone with thoughts. Alone with my keyboard. Alone with Him.

And I do not like alone.

And, I don't really want Him to teach  me to like alone ... just so we're all clear on what I mean here. What I really want is direction at every moment. And for whatever reason, alone feels like there's no schedule to hold me up ...

busy, engaged, helping is where I feel most at ease.

It is how I gauge my worth.
Someone called me lazy recently and it sent my heart into a tailspin.
It sent me on a frenzy of doing to prove that it isn't true.

The last insult hurled my direction was manipulative.
That sent me on a tailspin of taking whatever anyone wanted to give- no requests,  no demands, take what is given and expect nothing else.

Before that insecure.
That has led me on an "I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you..." journey that has left me looking like I am 4 in many instances.

My behaviors are so dependent upon what I am being told by those around me ... it really doesn't even make good sense!!

I have so much to work on ... maybe that's why I don't want to be alone!