Completely To You ...

This was the last time I put eyes on my boy. On July 2, 2011 ... I put my son on a plane to Nicaragua. I know I mentioned that before ... but you gotta know how hard this was for me. AJ had never been on a plane. He'd never been away for more than 10 days.

And I put him on a plane to another country.

And my heart knew it was the right thing.



We heard that he had arrived. Excitement in his voice. He was on Facebook that night ... and then nothing from him. Reports of what a good job he was doing surfaced. Given his testimony 2 times. Lead someone to the Lord during a door to door evangelism opportunity ...

no word.

And the enemy began to creep in ... reminding me of all the failures. All the ways in which I haven't done the right things. The struggles we have faced as a family ... discovery of siblings he didn't know existed ... parents who don't always know how to love each other the way we are supposed to ... the knowledge of abuse to his mama that nearly broke his  heart ... broken friendships which severed relationships that he thought were secure ... authorities who he thought cared and it surfaced when the chips were down that they really didn't ...

real life has left us battered and bruised in the past three years. He's been admittedly angry with God. He's been distant. He's been resistant to his quiet time. He's been ... distracted.

I prayed. I confessed.

But fear in the deepest parts of my heart crept in.

"OH Lord, I surrendered to the call to the ministry too. And I failed to follow You. Life happened. I messed up ... wow ... messed up doesn't even cover it does it? Please don't let him walk away from You. Please don't let my sin be repeated in AJ!!"

You see as a Jr in college, during a Baptist Student Union event ... I walked an aisle ... I surrendered to the call ... I said I would go ... I  promised to follow ...

And my life fell apart. I walked away from God and squarely into the hands of the enemy ... it cost me in ways I will never put in print ... and the hurt is deeper than words can reach.

When AJ decided to go- the battle increased. He wasn't sure. I wasn't sure. God kept providing ... time after time ... after time.

The week before he was to leave I said to a dear friend ... with every step he takes toward Nicaragua, he's breaking apart the generational sin we have struggled with in our families for years. YEARS ...

but in the silence ... the enemy lied to me. Ugly, hurtful ... fear-filled lies.

And then came this note ...

Hey mom Mrs Melissa told me that you wanted me to message you! i just wanted to tell you that i love you and its awesome here I'm having a great time just bein in the Lord and seein his work here. you wouldnt believe the difference in church here and church in the US. Its so much more powerful and full of the holy spirit! I love you!:) be prayin for me! i'll see you soon!

It was like the chains fell ... I could almost hear the clattering of each and every link as they hit the ground around me ...

We are half way through this amazing journey.

Today another report came about that he's building a school ...

building ... his daddy is a builder

a school ... his mama is a teacher

what a beautiful picture of God taking 2 broken people and fashioning a tool that will forever be useful in His Kingdom.

I have never been prouder of anyone in my life ... I know we aren't to live 'through' our children ... in this case, I hope an exception can be made!

But what is more important, I have never felt more loved by Jesus. He has taken the pleas of a mama who knew she'd been given a gift that she didn't deserve ... and He faithfully, lovingly gave her the desires of her heart ...

even the ones that she didn't have words for ...

especially the ones she had no reason to hope could ever be.

So what Can I say ... What could I do?? But offer this heart oh God ... completely to You ...