I shouldn't be

but I am.

I shouldn't be sitting here at the computer typing.

But I am.

Because my head is full of thoughts.

In the past hour I heard this statement come out of my mouth ...

OK, not my mouth, it was a text ... but, anyway,

"wouldn't it be nice if we fell into those we love and that we know love us back without apology or fear, instead of pushing each other away in an effort to contain ourselves"

after all, we are called to be Christ-like ...

and He poured out all that He had for us.

I am guilty. I do the pushing. I do the containing.

I do far more pouring out on the safe pages of this blog or hidden behind the safety of a text message than I ever do face to face!!

I am not intimidated or afraid of big emotions or big tears ...

unless they are mine.

immediately, the Lord revealed something important to me ..

I'm not really afraid I will cry forever-

I'm not really afraid of my own tears-

my tears rarely fall unless I am alone!

So what it is that I am really afraid of!

I quickly rushed to the places in my life

when my heart was just in too much turmoil for most to know

what to do with me.

Is that it??

Am I afraid that others look at me

and simply don't know what to do with all of that ... stuff?

Is that what we are all afraid of??

Is the fear that I will look silly?

stupid?

weak?

vulnerable?

And do we ever allow ourselves to feel truly loved. Truly treasured. Truly protected. 

If we refuse to fall into someone we love, and who clearly loves us back ... are we really giving ourselves over to being in relationship with one another. Or are we simply playing along side each other ... like toddlers  together, but painfully alone ... unable to really relate?

I realize that Jesus is the only one who never lets us down ... but He created us to need one another-

can we be accountable without being intimately involved?

can we be intimately involved if we aren't invested in the big emotions? The big tears?

this is full of more questions than answers ...

In her blog Lysa tells a beautiful story about 2 flower pots ... very similar plants ... one thriving ... one with blooms dying on the vine ... the difference? One pot had holes in it and one pot didn't. The pot with holes in it let the water that was added drain out ... it didn't remain in the pot like the one that just collected the water, giving no outlet ... she made a bigger spiritual application about the Water being the Word ... it's a great illustration and you should go read it ... but in my world today, the water that needed an outlet was emotion, tears, frustration ... things we bottle up and refuse to let go of ... we stuff it, feed it, paint it, clothe it, wrap it, hide it ... all in an effort to contain ourselves. In the mean time, we simply drown the root system in us ... even if it goes deep ... nothing can survive contained ...

and we think no one cares enough to help us replant ...

or drill some holes in our pot.

Or will they see that we're leaky and assume that we're broken beyond repair?

I think I want to be more leaky too!!