Oh I want to be better ...

This post struck me between the eyes ... because Friday ... well, I ran squarely into an attack of the enemy ... it came in the layout of a house that had ghosts waiting for me around every single corner

as each minute of the visit stretched out before me, the little girl in me grew more and more restless ...

I saw my dad pounding on the front door begging to be let in ... I saw my mom screaming to leave us alone ... I saw my sister huddled on her bed rocking back and forth- that feathery white-blond hair of hers pushed down over her face ... I saw me looking out the window from the top bunk ... as he falls of the front porch and stumbles back up the steps over and over ...

I saw my uncle standing at the door waiting for us ... and my mother shuffle us out the door to him. Again.

I saw myself hiding in the closet ... praying no one would come looking.

I saw my baseball bat slipped between my bed and my mattress ... they thought I just loved the game.

I saw myself sitting on top of the dryer with it running ... it would muffle the yelling coming from the bedroom.

I saw my sister on top of the fridge ... trying to hide ... trying to be as invisible as she possibly could.

the door, the picture window in the front, the tree that sat outside the window, the kitchen, the bathroom, every.single.bedroom. held a memory  ...

and the layout was identical.

As would be the tradition, I tried to escape to a book ... the new Francine Rivers book ... A Daughter's Dream ...

I've been waiting for the moment when I could escape to a story! This is it! I need an escape, a way out of this inundation of memories.

But no. What I find very shortly into the book are words that read like a biography.

And my heart begins to spiral

my mind reels in confusion

thoughts race

and the enemy chases me

IN MY SILENCE ...

All I really had to do that night was turn on the light

literally, I was trapped in the bed, afraid to move

afraid of the dark

afraid of the monsters

afraid of what my adult mind knew was not there

afraid of what made the little girl inside tremble

shake ... sweat ... silent ... motionless

Just turn the light on ...

call down the hall to the woman who has loved me the better part of 30 years ...

call of the phone the woman who loves me like she's known me for 30 years ...

call the man who doesn't get it but would have listened anyway

but instead I opted for the slippery slope of the dark ...

it wasn't until the morning started to dawn

that I was able to lay my heart to rest for a few hours

and it was another two days before my heart began to rest

my Ipod played

my heart prayed

and I began to expose my dark places to the light ...

Oh Lord, help me to remain in the light so that I'm not so susceptible to the dark!!!