Today at lunch

I was quietly eating what is becoming my regular lunch ...

Pretzel Chips        peanut butter

 and

a bottle of water or Vitamin Water (orange please) ... I just find a place at the preschool table because they make me happy regardless of what the morning has held.

Another teacher ... one who way out dresses me(not a difficult task if you are over the age of 10), is my boss in many ways and intimidates the hound out of me if the truth is told ... approached me to ask several questions. I quickly tried to swallow ... took a drink ...

and promptly spit peanut butter pretzel all over her fancy clothes.

All I could do was say ... "I am so sorry."

I wanted to answer right. I wanted to answer quickly. I wanted to look like I had it together even though in some ways I was scrambling because I wasn't on my game today.

As I recounted this funny scene to some sweet friends tonight I realized I have really been doing the same thing for the past 3 weeks ...

frustration, anger, confusion, fear and anxiety have become common projectiles from my lips.

I could tell the reasons my focus is skewed .. and the reasons are valid.

But what I have seen is that my words have landed hard on those I love most.

My son found himself on the receiving end of panic and anxiety he had never seen.

My husband was left mopping up tears he didn't understand and I couldn't explain.

My friend was left in the whirlwind of my despair feeling bruised and helpless I am sure.

And those are the people I was trying to lean on ...

the ones who came to me for help found me

cynical, at best

and hypocritical if they looked very closely.

You see I know the right answers.

But I have long been a proponent of the worthlessness of words without actions to follow them.

How much good does it do for me to text one in the midst of the storm and say ...

"He has you in the palm of His hand."

If in my day to day life I don't live that out.

I don't think I have to be insincere

but I do think I have to do a better job of walking out an active faith.

Not one qualifier belongs on the end of the statement

"HE is faithful."
 

I find myself saying He is faithful ... but I don't understand.

He is good, but it doesn't feel good right now.

Instead ...

He is good ... and I can depend on Him in my confusion.

He is faithful ... and my circumstance is temporary. Even if it is unto death.

He has a plan ... and my plan can not compare.

He is my Father ... and when I feel despair it indicates a lack of trust on my part.

He is my Redeemer ... and when I look back at my sin instead of at His Blood, I am being prideful.

Sorry that I spit on you the past few weeks.