A Crisis of Identity

May. 16, 2006 - A Crisis of Identity ...
In my life I have very different relationships. I really prefer seperate but equal. Church ... HomeSchool ... College ... Work(outside the home) ... Friends ... Deep Relationships ... Family ... Aquaintances. I love compartments! It gives me the security of knowing who I'm supposed to be in each place! When I get those relationships confused I begin to make mistakes, reveal too much or just plain offend people. BUT ... in a quest for growth in several areas, I am working on "removing the masks" that we wear to make other people more comfortable with who we are ... or what others perceive of us! John Eldridge says this, "We come into the world with a longing to be known amd a deep-seated fear that we are not what we should be. We are set up for a crisis of identity." I guess I fall into this category at this point in my life. And the enemy knows it. Just this week, a job possibility comes- affirmation, a feeling of worth. Just when I'm feeling like maybe I'm not doing such a good job at this homeschooling thing. Maybe I do need more structure. Possibly my feelings of insecurity aren't completely unfounded. Can I provide enough interaction for AJ? Is there any such thing? He's busy, but really deep friendships ... it's so hard. Things are great when we're REALLY busy with school. But down times are hard. I don't know if this is all working for us.

Then AJ gets a boost from his baseball coach. An offer( a very serious offer, with a plan, a 6 year plan) to play ball for him where he coaches in public school ... what a boost to the ego(his and his dad's). Don't get me wrong, I laughed at parents like this, but AJ is a talented athlete. I can't provide a team for him to play for(we're a family of 3) ... enter more doubt.

So here I am. Looking at the life I thought I had figured out. Looking at the life that I had prayed about. And now, what doors are opening? What doors are seeming to close? What does God have for us? What does he want for me? Looking deep inside to see, "Who am I in Christ?" And how does that mesh with the opportunities before me? What role am I playing now? Is it real or is it just another part in a play?

Weary, I'm faced with the reality. My church friends are public school people and don't really get the whole homeschooling thing, even though they love me and don't interfere. My homeschool friends know my homeschooling persona but don't know much about any of the rest of my life. My college friends and collegues want to know when I'll come to my senses and get back to it! My friends know that things just haven't been quite right. Those I consider the deep relationships in my life know I want this to be the right life, that I want to be the wife my husband wants, I want to be the mom AJ needs, my brain is bored, my heart is empty and I can't pinpoint why. And change is so hard for me. My family is comfortable with things just the way they are(none of us like change) ... except AJ, he wants more people around, more running around and more fun. Aquaintances ... well, they are just that. From all outward appearances, everything would seem to be in order. But chaos (and masks) abounds. So, the question is: How is this chaos honoring God?? The answer has got to be that it doesn't. Except, I still know God is God. His plan. His future for us. Unfolding before us ... Crossroad just ahead.