While driving into town this morning ...

I had this thought ...

At what point do I become annoyed at serving my husband.

Because in all honesty- there are a million things I don't do well, but I serve well. I can hardly help myself. The words "what I can I do to help" are out of my mouth more quickly than anything else most days.

So why this morning was I so annoyed that Randy wanted me to go get my tires rotated. He's mentioned it several times. I had it on my mental 'to do list' and really, today wasn't a bad day to just get up and go. I had some want-to-do's but they a)didn't materialize as I thought they would and b)really were selfish in all honesty.

And it all centered around my motives.My agenda.

What was it that was driving this servant's heart?

And this morning- it was selfishness. Yesterday I felt like I'd been taken advantage of- and today I was going to do what I wanted to do. Period. Today I wanted to ride my bike, have coffee with a friend, work on lesson plans, do laundry and be home the entire day (except for riding my bike and coffee). But Randy's request meant I couldn't make all those things happen the way I wanted them to happen.

Fortunately, I was on the phone and he couldn't see me roll my eyes. Because quickly there was a check in my spirit reminding me that daily my call is to lay down my life and serve others. None of the things I wanted to do were bad or wrong. All of the things I wanted to do, needed to be done. But I really wanted them done in my order, my way ... partly because I knew if I didn't ride first, it would be too hot. Likewise I know that if I wait til later in the morning to get to Stevenson's then it takes hour-s instead of an hour. So- in order to do what he asked I abandoned the bike. I gave up another agenda item that I'll keep to myself and I went.

But I didn't go happily ... and in my, ummm, less than Christ-like state, the Lord really required me to examine my own heart. And it isn't really pretty. Most of the time I serve Randy out of obligation. I'm his wife. I'm his helpmeet. I'm to be submissive. The things he asks are things I feel like I have to do for him. And for a variety of not very nice reasons, I hate feeling like I'm being controlled or yanked around or taken advantage of or being coerced into ... (there are serious insecurity and control issues here. I recoginize that). So in the midst of my rebellious tantrum in my mind, I likewise had to look at when do I really want enjoy serving.

I love to serve my friends and just about any schmuck off the street. Period. I help people at the grocery store with their buggies, I pick up kids, I meet strangers to talk school stuff of all kinds, I make phone calls to bridge gaps of communication ... and those are literally all things I've done in the past 24 hours for other people. And I did them for what reason? Because they asked, I saw a need and I believed that I could meet the need and make their life easier. I believe it's what Bob Bell calls "Do Jesus to Someone Today" ... and I take it very seriously. I can quote scripture all day long, take someone to church, pray for them or about them whichever the case may be ... but if what I do doesn't match up to what I say and how we act in practical, everyday ways ... well, it's really pretty worthless.

And I really had to confess that the way i was acting and what I was saying didn't line up. What a terrible witness to anyone who saw my face this morning. I was twerked and they very likely knew it!

With that done, I again asked myself the question ...

Why serve?

-It shows practically the Love of Christ.

-If done well, it is a tangible portrait of the Fruits of the Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is

love,

joy,

peace,

longsuffering,

gentleness,

goodness,

faith,

meekness,

temperance:

against such there is no law.

-It makes me less ME focused and more outward focused.

Attitude adjusted ... now I'm off to deliver the socks, braces and practice jersey my son left in the car ... that I told him not to forget.

Longsuffering ...

practice makes perfect.