Let me just apologize up front ...

this will likely be a disjointed post or an awesome read ... I have no idea which it will be.

Lately, I have been confronted with the reality there have been seasons, even in adulthood, when I have really been susceptible to the influences of the world. There have been times when the Lord has simply not allowed relationships to flourish, jobs to continue, affiliations to remain because I was could be easily swayed by those around me. And as hard as it is for me to confess, the truth is, I honestly believe that He took me out of many of the situations because I could not be trusted in them.

The scarier reality for me is that I often avoid those situations because I know all to well that I'm drawn into conversations I should not have, made to feel less than and ignorant because of my beliefs, find myself agreeing to things I do not really believe because I can't explain God ... consequently, I have surrounded myself with friends who are for the most part "like-minded" and it's safe and it's comfortable.

and it protects me from myself. You see, I struggle.

Even in the past two weeks ... I have been sidelined by some memories I hadn't 'remembered' for a while, felt guilty for something I had little,if any, control over, felt utter remorse over something I should have been smart enough to keep myself out of the middle of, feared the loss of a treasured friendship, had my feelings hurt by being left out and stomped my foot at God for not choosing the way I would have chosen. And those are just the few things I remember right now because the consequences are still lingering in the air around me ... who even knows the struggles I failed to recognize, ignored or just passed off as someone else's junk.

I don't know about you, but even though I can undeniably state that walking the Christian walk is the best way to go ... I don't always find it easy. There were things about those days when I didn't take 'sin' so seriously that I could watch what I wanted to watch, listen to the music I wanted to listen to, hold political opinions that didn't rankle the feathers of people I really wanted to respect me, drink what and where I wanted to drink, say the words I was really thinking, I didn't have to take a stand or make a call. But those days are long past. The Holy Spirit, in spite of my efforts to quench the strength of His voice, is active and a live and living in me. This week, I was faced with the feeling that I was surrounded by some who are head and shoulders above me spiritually. The enemy reminded me of who I was.

But Jesus decided today to remind me Who I Am, in Him.

I spent the morning with an old friend. One of those friends who I believe the Lord would not allow me to continue to be in a close affiliation with because her influence over me was so great. She was the friend who told me how smart I was on one hand and then on the other mocked me for believing that Jesus is THE Way, THE Truth and THE Light ... she often challenged my beliefs in ways that made me question God's Word. Most of the time when we would get together I would leave thinking, this is just not spiritually healthy or me to be here.

And I would have been right.

My anemic, flavorless, weak faith would not have withstood the test. And so, months would pass and then some contact would be made ... and I would come to the same conclusion. This is not safe.

Today, however, was different. Today I sat in the presence of brokenness. I sat in the presence of fear. I sat in the presence of question.

Today I watched God put some pieces together. I heard the words "God sent you to me today" uttered by someone who I really didn't know what she believed about God. She used the term in a nebulous, trendy, new-age sort of way most of our friendship. But today, when I looked at her and said, "Yes, He did." She didn't need plurality or the use of both gender references to know the ONE I was referring to ...

She needed to know that Jesus was watching out for her ... and in my obedience to call (again) I was able to show her that.

And He showed me something. In the midst of conversations about all manner of sexual evil ... In the midst of conversations about immoral lifestyles ... in the midst of discussing academic integrity ... and a variety of other topics. I was able to stand on my spiritual feet and answer with Truth. Unapologetically.

I don't know where you are tonight. I don't know who intimidates you or makes you feel less than or makes you shrink away from His Truth or makes you think you have to hide in the shadows from the world around you just to be secure in His Truth ... but I know this, He's grooming you for a time when He's going to ask you to stand on your spiritual feet for Him. Unapologetically.

Are you ready?

I would have answered no.

You see this week ...

I got caught up talking too much about something I had NO BUSINESS talking about at all. And got burned. Only He can protect what I have put at risk.

I was hurt terribly by a friend who did something careless, but I didn't confront it. Only He can heal it.

I yelled at my son on the way to school, failing to hear the hurt in his heart. He's trying so hard to do what is honorable. And I just want him to do what I want him to do. Only God can be the Holy Spirit to him.

I was disappointed by my husband.

I hurt my friend.

I spoke harshly about someone else I consider a friend.

I failed when student asked for help.

I wanted revenge on someone who intentionally hurt me.

I failed at doing this Jesus-follower thing ... miserably.

And today, He used me anyway.

And showed me that this process is a journey.

And it really is all about the journey.