For years ...

my blog title was Jeremiah 29:11.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And in days of deep depression, serious crisis, impending disaster - it was comforting to know that there was a plan. But I approached God as if He had a plan ... out there ... somewhere. But who knew where! And that's how I walked my walk ... as if  "some-day"... "some-where"... "some-thing"

and I treated it with as much hope as if it were a fairy tale where the knight in shining armor arrived with the promise of rescue. 

Then the Lord, through the encouragement of precious souls around me encouraged me to look more deeply into that passage ...

12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Again, this spoke intently to my heart. But still, it was that future tense ... the promise of God out there waiting ... words like "then ... you will ... I will ... i will be found" ... all in the future, later. And so I waited. I wasn't really stagnant exactly, I was moving, but it was more in circles ... not forward motion. And from the outside looking in, it probably appeared that I was making progress. But in truth - my heart looked like the cartoon from the 70's ... remember the one where the eyes and long forehead peer out over the wall ... almost as if hiding from what's coming. I was like a little kid- the one at the orphanage ... the one who sees all the other kids being chosen before him ... the kid hiding in the locker room, knowing she'll be chosen last, so hovering just long enough and circumstance makes you last, not choice ... the woman who comes in early or late every time so that everyone just fills in around her by default ... position dictated by fate not by choice. Hope is a distant dream and a fearful prospect.

But lately I find myself challenged to step up in the area of faith-

hope-

dreaming.

In sermons, readings, radio spots, Bible studies, Christmas Tea messages ...

I remember when AJ was learning to walk ... I would sit down on on my bottom two steps from Randy and AJ ... Randy's steady hands securely around his shaky little body. We practiced for what seemed like weeks. I would use my sweetest, most excited Mommy voice ... calling my precious baby boy to me.
"Come on sweet boy."
 "You can do it AJ"
" There's a big world out there waiting for you."

He was sooo excited ... sometimes his whole body would shake, legs jerking and arms flailing - excitement - trying to get to me. But for days, the event would end in tears of frustration. He wanted me ... but he didn't know how to move his feet. Because I was a new mom ... it would break my heart and bring me immeasurable joy all at once. That longing in his eyes and the frustration in his pitiful cry often caused me to reach out and guide him toward me without his having to be on his own at all- I would secure his little hands around my fingers and he would take the two steps to me and collapse into my arms.

Everyday, sometimes dozens of times a day we would repeat the routine.

I didn't hide around the corner waiting for AJ to come on his own. I didn't chastise him, ridicule his failed efforts ... and I never gave up on him. I love him. It never entered my mind to give up on him. My heart calls to him in ways I can not express with the words of this world ... and his heart hears.

In Matthew 7 The Message reads:
This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

That's what Jesus is doing for me. He's out there calling to me now. Not future tense, but now. He's calling me to come to Him, with Him ... Jesus is no longer the ominous figure waiting outside the city gates ... calling, faceless and obscure.


He's the familiar one standing just ahead of me me ... calling gently, "Come on ... you can do this thing."

If your picture of Jesus is like mine was, one where He's frustrated with you ... one where He's tiring of your failed efforts ... one where He chides you and demands ...

take sometime to remember those moments when you allowed a child to grasp your finger and you guided her in the steps, bridging the gap. And know that Jesus has you ... securely in his grasp.

Your body may be trembling with fear, your legs jerking not knowing exactly how to move forward, your arms flailing ... trying to grasp Him without moving forward.

You may be crying out in frustration and loneliness.

I've been there, even in the last week.

Ask Him to give you the strength to move your feet.

And if you can't move today,

Rest knowing that at your heart's cry He is there, waiting to sweep you up in His arms- just like that any loving parent would.  

Lord, thank you that you are the faithful, loving parent! Thank you for allowing me to be a mom so that I could have a glimpse of your Daddy heart for me.