I'm checking out for a few days ...

and doing something I have never done before.

Oh, I've escaped the difficult times of life by running away. I've contemplated far more trips than I have ever take. Most often, I've landed myself on a plaid couch in central Indiana, wounded and weary from the blows of life. The 1st 2 days are almost always spent sleeping ... with the following 2 talking late into the night.

And if the truth were known to all, if that place were exactly the same as it once was, well, I might find myself there now. Because I am battle weary. I'm feeling lost in the most familiar of places. And equally feeling the call of silence drawing me into seclusion I can not afford in this season. You see, my heart is in this strange place of seeing the amazing things of the Father and being assaulted unceasingly by the enemy. I hate that Satan knows my weak places and that they are still weak. I want to be strong because of what I have seen ... not susceptible because of what I have not yet seen.

I live a pretty visible life these days. Teacher ... wife ... mom ... friend. There's very little room for less than total confidence in what's going on ... and the truth is- I don't lack confidence or conviction or compassion. If you met me tomorrow on the street and had a need, I would confidently face you toward the Father and with great conviction I would pray with you and sincere compassion would compel me to sit a while with you as you wade through the questions of what hurts. There would be nothing fake about the exchange. 

But I need a touch from the Lord. I need Him to shore up the chinks in my armor before one of the fiery darts lands on an artery ... and I'm feeling like I am dangerously close. It's just a feeling right now, but Marisa hit it on the head a few days ago ... and I thought I better pay attention instead of just putting chewing gum in the dam.  Which is a novel approach for me ... when things don't go well, I prefer the ignore it and it will go away approach to any problem- physical, spiritual, relational ... I hate doctors and confrontation equally ... and I think there is great comfort in not knowing for sure. That's a crazy truth for someone who asks as many questions as I do ... but it's true. I can make a story in my head that hurts far less than then one that my heart knows is true as long as there is the tiniest opening.

Right now I need truth. Total ... complete ... whole ... honest ... everything on the table ... TRUTH.

And so I'm going away. I only have a couple of days. I guess almost 2 full days really. The few people I've told I'm going were told to gain perspective. I've decided that isn't quite true- it wasn't a lie at the time, but really I'm going to see if I can experience Jesus in a way that is tangible. I want Him to show me if there is sin that is keeping me from Him. I want Him to help me write a couple of letters. I Even as I type that, I realize it's lofty. And maybe to some of you it seems stupid. But if I'm going to do what I'm called to do, I need a tangible Jesus to follow. I need a Jesus who will scale the walls of my heart and convince me that the lies of the enemy are really lies, even though they fit like a well worn glove. I have a few faithful friends who are probably weary of reminding me ... and I am certainly weary of begging them to remind me. And, while I'm being honest, for more years than I care to recount here, I've knelt at an alter and begged Him to tear down the walls that keep me emotionally stoic and bound ... and so this morning when I knelt- I didn't even ask again. Because the minute my heart turned toward that request, I felt the spirit leave and I just have to trust that He already knows.

Before you think that this post is filled with "I don't think God is going to do this" negativity ... I fully expect God to meet me in the Little House on Tuesday night. I believe it. He convinced me during Lifegroup last week that He wants me to be alone with Him ... and the enemy is screaming at me from every high place in my mind that I'm crazy if I think this will change anything.

I don't know what He has in mind for me on these days of my journey, but He does. I'm asking that if you think of me, please pray.