Silence ...

SILENCE: the absence of sound or noise

QUIET: being at rest or tranquility

I've been confronted with a reality about myself that isn't very pleasent. What I once considered quiet is really silence ... and silence has been undermining relationships my whole life.

I come from a family where there was dysfunction. It doesn't matter what kind of dysfunction ... in the end, the result was that silence was expected. Even if the demand wasn't spoken.

I learned to have conversations in my head at a very early age. In my head I tried, with a childlike mind to come up with an adult solution to seriously adult issues.

I didn't say things like my tummy hurts or it hurt when I fell down and busted my leg. I didn't say that teacher was mean to me. I didn't say it makes me uncomfortable when I have to take a shower at school. I didn't say I started my period. I didn't say those two girls are bullying me. I didn't say all of a sudden I was sitting in class and I couldn't breathe anymore and I forgot the last two hours.

I said nothing.

When I went to college I didn't say I can't understand my Stats teacher (literally, her Chinese accent was just too much for my mid-western hearing to grasp). I didn't say I don't like it when my roommate slept with her boyfriend while I was in the bed across the room. I didn't say, no you can't take my car. Nor did I say I need help, my life is falling apart.

I said nothing.

When I graduated from college and enter 'life' ... the trend continued. The issues became more adult, the silence deeper and the damage reached further than I could have ever imagined.

Last week, silence gripped me. The issues ... well, they weren't even real. They were things that in my heart I knew weren't real, but the enemy was having a hayday!! And I was getting my tail whipped!

Silence kept me from clariying what was happening- really happening. Silence allowed the enemy plenty of room in my head to work. I wasn't speaking truth by filling my mind with The Word. I wasn't allowing my best friends to breathe life into the situation because I was shutting them out.

I assumed the worst.

I'm fortunate that someone cared enough to call me on the real issue. I believe the accusation/assessment was my expectation to have my mind read. And I realized that as 'transparent' as I think I am ... there are times when I just plain shut down ... and noone really knows what's going on inside.

It was a hard look at myself. My silence. My isolation.

I had to look at the truth that silence is a way of life for me. There have been moments in my marriage that silence has plagued our relationship. There are friendships that have gone by the wayside because I could not find the words. And there are things in my life that have gone unspoken for years that are lost in time because I simply could not find my voice ... any voice.

Silence has separated me from my heart, my family, my life.

And I have to find a way out.

A new path on this journey.