Who is 1st ...

No one who knows me will be shocked to find that I adore my son.

You won't be surprised to know that at every significant thing in his life thus far, I have been front and center.

You won't question that I know all of his favorite things ...
the things that help him sleep,
the things he likes to drink when he's sick,
where he likes to sleep
and just how he likes to have his head rubbed when it hurts.

What might surprise you is that he spent the sickest day he's had since he was tiny without me this week. And I chose to remain away.

I left for The Little House on Tuesday night-
fairly convinced that AJ had a pretty bad cold, but wasn't coming down with the flu.

I gave instructions for bed, school ... laid out clothes for the following day.
I sent him off to grab food with Cam and then Randy would be home after we had dinner.

I drove about an hour and fifteen minutes away, got the evening report of feeling yucky but ok.
A sweet text came from my boy:
      "I love you mama. I hope you find what you are looking for"

I talked to Randy, everything seemed fine.

I exchanged a few texts with a dear friend who AJ loves dearly ... dearly enough to let her mama him in ways that until now have been exclusively mine ... and she promised to watch over him.

Shortly after my arrival, I curl up on the bed with my Bible in hand, my pen at the ready and I spent the evening with Jesus knowing that I was facing the challenge. Who will I choose to be first?


Luke14:26-27
^26(A) "If anyone comes to me and^(B) does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters,^(C) yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. ^27(D) Whoever does not^(E) bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.

Hmmm ... dilemma!

I felt called to go away. I was fully persuaded it was the right thing to do. Every obstacle that I could think f to keep me from going fell squarely into place ... with a few people details being the only hitches.

Dear friend has to have a procedure done.
                Maybe I should stay. Asking too much.
                         Assurance comes that she's fine and it is no problem.
School, must find a sub.
                Not even a hitch in it.
                         Didn't even have to fill out the paperwork before I left.
AJ has an emotional moment over a guy, his girl and stress at school.
                Teachers say they will watch out for him.
                          By lunch the next day, he's laughing and cutting up with the friend he wanted to punch.

All obstacles clear.

Friends encourage me to go. Send me with well wishes. Pray- I know they are praying because their prayers envelop me that night like the precious stitches of a grandmother's quilt ... as if to block every attempt at the enemy to rob me of this moment. There are no dreams. No night terrors. Only sleep ... sleep that lasts the whole night through.

It has been month since I slept the whole night through. maybe longer.

At 7 the next morning I learn that AJ is sick. REALLY sick. 103+ temp ...

I am torn. What do I do. My dearest friend is going to be with him. Randy is only minutes away at work. But my heart is breaking.

Who will I choose?

I want to be a part of this ministry. I want to follow You Lord, with my whole heart. Why are you asking this of me ... why.

And I am reminded of Abraham ... marching Isaac up the mountain.

Sometimes God asks us to do the hard things without knowing the outcome first.

For every Abraham who dares



to kiss a foreign field


where glory for a moment grasped


Is for a lifetime tilled…


The voice of God


speaks not but once


but ‘til traveler hears


“Abraham! Abraham! Bring your Isaac here!”


“Bring not the blemished sacrifice.


What lovest thou the most?


Look not into the distance,


you’ll find your Isaac close.”




“I hear the tearing of your heart


torn between two loves,


the one your vision can behold


the Other hid above.”




“Do you trust me, Abraham


with your gravest fear?


Will you pry your fingers loose


and bring your Isaac here?”


“Have I not made you promises?


Hold them tight instead!


I am the Lover of your soul—


the Lifter of your head.”




“Believe me, O my Abraham


when blinded by the cost.


Arrange the wooded altar


and count your gains but loss.”


“Let tears wash clean your blinded eyes until unveiled you see—


the ram caught in the thicket there


to set your Isaac free.”


“Perhaps I’ll send him down the mount


to walk right by your side.


No longer in your iron grasp


but safer still in mine.”


“Or I may wrap him in the wind


and sweep him from your sight


to better things beyond your reach—


believe with all your might!”


“Look up, beloved Abraham.


Can you count the stars?


Multitudes will stand to reap


from one dear friend of God.”


“Pass the test, my faithful one;


bow to me as Lord.


Trust me with your Isaac—


see,


I am your great Reward.”
Beth Moore


The Lord wasn't asking me to sacrifice AJ.
Or was He?

You see for years I've begged the Lord to protect him. I have too many children who already reside with Him in Heaven. We planned many children ... the number knit together in my womb are known only with certainty by the Creator. AJ is the one I got to hold in my arms ... and I've spent many years in fear that something would happen to him.

Riding a bicycle, wrestling with Randy, back country hiking, 4-wheelers and motorcycles nearly did me in ...

all of those things caused me to plead with God to please not let anything happen to him. Yet there never seemed to be a spiritual struggle in the pleading. I didn't recognize the lack of trust I was displaying ...

There are a lot of layers here to the struggle at The Little House  ...

will I trust the Lord with AJ?
will I trust that am following the call and continue to be obedient?
in being obedient will I choose my God over my child?

And so early in the day I decide I will stay. I can hardly speak knowing he's there and I am thankful there is no one around who requires my voice.

As the day goes, I read, pray, write a bit ...

texts come-
"I'm missing you mama."
"I'm really missing you about now."
"I love you mama"

Each time I promise myself that if he ever says, "I need you or please come home" ... I'm outta there.
Those texts do not come.

Early afternoon, I fall asleep with my Bible in my arms ...
when I wake, it's as if the room is filled with His spirit and we begin to talk ...

I talk out loud ... its the first time I hear my own voice really conversing with The Father.
I've prayed. I love to pray ... mostly it is in my head ... or on paper ... or with other people listening and i wonder now if I'm praying to Him or for them. 

We talk about some hard things.

There's much confession and a fair amount of petition.
Things I want Him to speak to a heart that I can't reach, that I can't hold ... but I am overwhelmed by the knowledge at that moment that He can.
So I name names and dream dreams of how I wish it were different.
And then I open up my hands and release those "what ifs" that I have been white-knuckling for years.
And they are secure in His Presence.
Not only are the secure, but they are complete
Not only are they complete, but they are no longer mine.
They fall back under His command-
His plan.
His purpose.

Waves of emotion wash over me for what seemed like hours.

And then I was empty.

While that feeling was unsettling and continues to be ... I realize in the emptying of myself, my plans, my dreams and my regrets ... I make myself ready to receive Him, His plans, His dreams and His Redemption.