Today ...

Today I find myself with little time. Wow ... surprise surprise. (In my best Gomer Pyle voice)

I've been to breakfast with a friend, shopped for shorts for my growing boy, picked up groceries, taken baseball gear to my growing but forgetful boy, picked up Bible Study info, gone to Co-op, and found all the tax forms I don't know how to use, but will somehow figure out how to fill out this weekend ... and now I have 30 minutes I am stealing from laundry and vacuuming.

In the past three days I have found myself squarely back in a mode of silence. Silence from those who want to know me, silence from prayer requests (you know the real ones that speak real needs), silence from my family ... and in that I am just silent in my spirit.

The Lord taught me a lesson a while ago about the difference between silence and quiet. And this has been silence 100%, I just thought that I'd learned the lesson better than this. It was sneaky ... the enemy is sneaky. He used words that others used as encouragement to make me thing I had to be better than I really was ... telling me that my witness was being tarnished by my inability to get over some things ... and for the resurfacing of some old struggles.

At life group last night, silence nearly choked the life right out of me.

I left not wanting to speak.

I picked up and then took the kids to get ice cream. I sent Jena home. I'm not sure she thought anything of it but I was avoiding her.

I went home, sooooo thankful Randy was in bed and asleep.

I lay my head down and told the Lord how frustrated I was and then fell asleep.

I woke at midnight to pray, check on a friend and then back to bed for more wonky dreams.

But I woke this morning with resolve. Not any sense of knowing how things were going to work out, but resolve to live a life full of more truth.

I don't know exactly how this all works in my very complex psyche ... but for whatever reason, I feel like if I outright ask for what I need, I will be denied. So, I try to lay needs out, sometimes just barely peeking out of the very corner of my heart ... and see if someone will look closely enough to pick up on it.

But this morning when Randy asked what life group was like last night instead of just giving the briefest of overviews, I told him the truth.

And because it was truth that was so clearly given by the Lord, for the first time in our married life, he received some things that I needed to say. And I believe he understood.

It was hard.  It meant standing up for myself in ways that I am not comfortable with under most circumstances. It meant telling him no. It meant saying no matter what you say, this is the truth. It meant exposing my heart in the midst of uncertainty. It meant being willing to move into the storm with both eyes open.

Funny, the picture I have of myself is like the description they give you when you do rescue swimming ... don't get too close to the person who is drowning because they will do whatever they have to to survive ... even take you under with them. But I recall the command you are supposed to give, "Calm down, I'm here to help. I'm here to rescue you." I remember Rat (what a name for a gym teacher) saying those words. And while I wasn't taking the Lord down with me ... I sure was flailing around and making the whole process more difficult.

It was the moment this morning when I surrendered ... arms high just waiting for the life preserver ... okay Lord. Secrecy isn't working ... it isn't protecting my heart ... it isn't making me secure. In fact it is doing the exact opposite!

So I put on truth ... and I pray that we are on a road that will lead to redemption. It is the most hope-filled I have felt in a long time.

I have anchored that hope in His Word and not on my works. 

No more flailing.