Wednesday, April 22, 2009

What If I Tell
What If I Tell by Gina McCabe is a quick read through the first 4 years of her recognition and initial stages of the childhood sexual abuse this woman had repressed until her mid-thirties.It is a powerful story of a woman who was an active participant in her healing. She attacked the task as she had attacked most of her life, as something to conquer. As I read, I became somewhat disheartened by her progress through the first 4 years vs. my progress through the first TWENTY-FOUR ... but even as I write this, I realize that I was still a child processing much of this at 18 ... very confused, scared and alone. It really has been in my adult woman mind that I have been able to move, if not through then around some of the issues of this truth in my own life. Her ability to be brutally honest in some situations made me wonder if her healing came in telling and if I've allowed my limited honesty to become yet another perpetrator in my own life. There are some things that are just too hard to talk about and then there are things that just don't seem to have words, but rather a guttural noise that wretches in my mind when I even try to wrap words around them.There are just things you don't say in mixed-company ... and that mixed-company would be the decent and indecent. The quandary is that there's someone who should have been innocent stuck in the middle.Honestly, I don't know where this is going right now. It all feels very out of control. I just wanted to do some work on the the shame and guilt I was having surrounding my abortion ... I wanted to to do just enough to be able to put it away. And yet it seems like it's all so connected by this infectious thread of evil that I need to look at all of it at the same time. I was asking the question ... where do I go from here, not what happened then.Lord, I'm lost in this. Help me to know where to linger and where to make haste. Shed light where something needs examining and forgiveness and healing. Help me to recognize scars differently from wounds, not poking around on them until they resurface, but rather being thankful for Your healing that has brought me this far. It's too much for me ... but not too much for You.