I am constantly amazed

when it seems like God's been 'reading my mail'...

Or my blog anyway.

I really don't think too much about who is and who isn't reading anymore. For a while I made some efforts to increase my stats ... about a year ago I started blogging privately (by invitation only) and then went public again about 4 months ago. Since then, most comments are from people who know and love me. And what that has to do with anything I thought I was going to write about today, I do not know ... except it is exactly what was running through my mind as Scott began delivering his message today.

Continuing his series on being a Lion Chaser Scott challenged us again to see the "lions" in our lives as either obstacles or opportunities for God to do God Stuff. Infact, I think he really wants us to begin to embrace those moments when the odds are stacked against us with joy and anticipation of what God's going to do.

I so want to be there. And as the sermon began ... I was all in. I was engaged. I was ready.

Then Scott started talking about fears. Mice, heights, snakes, public speaking ...

We all start out with two innate fears: loud noises and falling.

His next statement struck me though- all other fears are learned behaviors.

Learned Behaviors.
Learned
Behaviors.

We are conditioned like Pavlov's dogs by life. And life is hard.

What are the three greatest fears of most people?

Rejection- he didn't show up; she doesn't choose me; they don't call; he left; he'd rather have her

          Bottom-line: I'm not good enough ... if I were ______ enough ___________ would want me.

Failure- there is no room for mistakes or uselessness; if I don't make the grade, I won't be accepted; I must meet the expectations of those around me.

          Bottom-line: I'm not good enough ... and my lack of _______ proves it.

Intimacy- if I let him in he'll hurt me; if I let her know me; she'll use it against me; if they really knew me, they wouldn't approve of who I am

          Bottom-line: I'm not good enough ... and who I am deep inside confirms that.

The final result: a people who are stifled by Shame and Fear ...

Two things that the enemy uses to render me ineffective.

Yesterday, I was rejected.

Again.

In a relationship that you might not expect to experience rejection- I face it regularly. And there was a time when I thought I didn't care. Yesterday- it hurt my heart. I took a few minutes, a short nap and a declaration that I was fine. Gathered myself in and thought I was fine.

But it hurt more than I realized.

I was embarrassed.

Shame.

It isn't easy to let anyone know that you've been rejected.(REJECTION AND FAILURE)I knew I needed someone covering the conversation in pray- but then there was no denying the call had been made.(INTIMACY) I wanted the end of the story to be different.(FAILURE) For God to have done a work in hearts ... not another rejection.

The enemy was in my ear.
And then I have to go to church - alone.(REJECTION)
Again -  Shame. Embarrassed.

I didn't realize just how much it hurt until I was driving home and I felt Jesus whisper in my heart, "I chose you before you were formed in your mother's womb."
 
Chosen ... not 'I allowed you to be conceived', so I'm stuck with you.
Chosen ... not 'there's no way out', so I'm obligated to you.
Chosen ... not 'there's no one else who wants you' so I feel sorry for you.

I chose ... picked, elected, want
you ... Amy
Before ... prior to all the mistakes
you were formed ... even if it wasn't intentional or wanted or the cure-all
in your mother's womb ... the place that is supposed to be safe.


It was scripture that finally spoke ...

I want to be a lion chaser.

Sometimes when you chase lions, you get bit. I want to learn to not pull away when it happens, making the wound a gaping whole in my heart.

I want to be a lion chaser.