Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One of the ways ...
I had planned to use this blog is to communicate how I would like for you to pray for me in the journey at this point ...So, it's like this ... I'm stuck in a familiar place. I'm stuck at the place where my reality is that the study is suggesting that I need to 'tell the story' ... and while each of you knows some of the story, one of you knows a bunch of the story ... even I have failed to make it my story. I'm trying my best to do this one more time ... not cutting corners, not leaving out crucial components. I'm not leaving exercises in the book blank and trying to 'come back to that later' ...and well, this is the hardest point. Always.When, several years ago, I finally found the courage to share more details with Sandy than I had ever shared before, I managed by giving the facts, just the facts. I remember sitting in the car with her and though I struggled through some of the words and I worked to not squelch the emotion ... really, I'd found comfort in being able to tell the story about someone else- that little girl I used to be. In the subsequent times that I've shared bits and pieces with others, that technique worked very well. I could be honest, transparent and available ... but yet I really wasn't. Even to me.So here I am ... again. And I have somethings that I need to say ... things that I can recount with the same level of emotion that I might have if I asked for whole wheat bread instead of white ... but that deserve so much more.The quandary? Well, I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed by much of it. I'm afraid it I tell you won't like me anymore (I do know how dumb that is, but when I say it and then there's silence, I get wiggy). I worry that you'll look at me differently. I love you and respect you and honestly, I don't want you to have to know- and I feel a little guilty that I need you to know. So, I've got some stuff to get over before I jump in both feet first. Not sure whether or not the telling will be here, in person or- well, those are really the options I guess. Pray for courage. Pray that I'll let the Lord do this through me in a way that is healing. Telling for the sake of telling is futile. Pray I'll know what to say and to whom.