Bible Study Last night ...

I don't know how many people I know went through Beth Moore's Breaking Free 10 years ago ... but it's a bunch! I barely started it 10 years ago ... and then I went halfway through about 7 years ago ... and this time I started again with a renewed sense of "I've got to do it this time ... peppered by a healthy dose of J--- will kick my butt if I don't finish!"

This has been hard. But, last night concluded Week 6.


The title was "Ashes from Beauty"

If you've read any of my blog it isn't hard to figure out ... there are ashes to be found. Some from fires started around me, some on top of me and other's as Beth stated in the video that I flatly struck the match myself.

As I gathered my gray sweatshirt around me on that chilly (seems like a month ago now) day just last week) I was assaulted by memories as I trudged through the story of Tamar in II Samuel. I've read the story before ... but this time ...

this time the words

'rape'
'brother'
'disgrace'
'be quiet now'

they assaulted me.

It's been a long journey from remembering to realizing.

Remembering occurred when I could no longer hold the monster at bay. 1985.

Realization has occurred across the space of 24 years ... And I've really fought it most of the way ... trying to only realize the facts.

This is what happened.
This is where I was.
This is how old I was.
This is when it finally stopped.
This is how it has impacted my life.
This is how I dealt with the reality that I was never a virgin.

It was very clinical- I could recount my story in an interview sort of way that disconnected me from the reality of it all.

Somehow that isn't working for me anymore.

Somewhere along the way I realized that it happened-

to me.

I've told a couple more people.

and I don't feel so alone.

So I've admitted some details.
and I feel known.
Now I've felt some of the grief.
and I feel exposed, but somehow more alive.


But I'm trying to allow myself the room to find my 'little girl dreams' again. Knowing that they were really squelched before they even had a chance to form.

I didn't really dream of being a bride. (In truth, when someone calls me Randy's bride, it makes me feel self-conscious and awkward - and somehow unworthy).

I didn't really dream of being beautiful. (I had far to many people around telling me that I was the smart one and my sister was the pretty one).

I didn't really dream of being a mommy. (But I've said it before and I'll say it again, God's gift of AJ was the lifeline to salvaging my life ... evidence that God must really have some purpose for me).

And I certainly never dreamed there would be anything similar to happily ever after. (I was content to whisper at the end of the day, wow- made it through again).

I'm trying to embrace the notion that I'll be so much better healed than I ever would have been just well. I pray ...

and then I get down on my face and pray some more.