Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Grace ...
just the sound of the word evokes a reaction in my gut. When I wondered about names for the babies that never came ... the little girl name was always Emma Grace, with a slight variation on a few occasions when I thought maybe Hannah Grace ... but that word ... it just strikes me.Last week I found myself exposing some real lack of understanding surrounding the theology of GRACE ... I saw words escape my grasp that exposed the truth that I wanted something to do that made what I've done better somehow. I wanted something that eliminated my need to depend on this unknown quantity of Grace ...it's yet one more case where my head knowledge and my heart knowledge don't line up. I want to believe that Jesus died on the Cross ... I believe in the history of it. I believe in the miracle of it. I have NO doubt that He is the son of the Living God. I have no doubt about the circumstances surrounding His birth ... I BELIEVE the stuff most people get hung up on ... but I'm stuck.I opened up the book "What's so Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey today while I was the library. The first page outlines a story of a woman who 'rented' her daughter to men with perverted desires. When it was suggested that she go to church, she responded with "why would I want to go there, i feel bad enough already."I feel just the opposite ... I could not possibly feel badly enough for all that I've done. I place myself in a church pew knowing that every time the Word pierces my heart, I've asked for every one of those stabbing pains. And somehow the pain seems 'fair' ... I don't want to avoid it because deep down inside I know I deserve it. I ASKED FOR THIS ...That mom who rented her daughter ... SHE ASKED, even begged, FOR PAIN. So how does it make any sense at all that a penalty should be paid for me. That anyone should take my part. NOT that Jesus didn't. NOT that He couldn't. BUT rather, why? What right do I have to walk in anywhere and feel better about what I've done.GRACE ... unmerited favor. undeserved. unearned.I need something to do ... the thought of a hail Mary or a rosary or fostering a child or exposing the sin to those who respect you ... all seem like something to be done ...and yet, there's no satisfaction in it. There's no release from the torment.So as I go through the book ... do I live a shame filled life ... yes. Am I fearful of joy? Hmmm not sure fearful as much as I just know I do not deserve it. I have not earned it. Any measure of it that I have been extended is from a Loving God that I can not even begin to comprehend.Can I allow it to penetrate my heart in a way that begins to release my heart from the grip of guilt and shame? I don't know. I know this ... in the midst of my lack of faith ... Jesus sends amazing people my direction ... to love me in ways I could not imagine, could not have dreamed of, could not have manipulated if I'd tried. And for that reason ... I will trust this thing called grace that I do not deserve.