How Far Will You Go??

Jesus Calling, April 22 ... LISTEN TO ME CONTINUALLY, I have much to communicate with you, so many people and situations in need of prayer. I am training you to set your mind on me more and more tuning out distractions through the help of My Spirit.
                    Walk with me in holy trust, responding to my initiatives rather than trying to make things fit into your plans. I died to set you free, and that means freedom from compulsive planning. When your  mind spins with a multitude of thoughts you can not hear My Voice. A mind preoccupied with planning pays homage to the idol of control. Turn from the idol and back to Me.


John 8:36, Proverbs 19:21, John 10:27


God did an amazing thing for me last week.

He walked with me while I was running in circles ...

I want to share the wonder of that story with you,

but today I am compelled to share with you another story.

This story begins as I was traveling to Indiana last week ...

the journey was one of silence for many miles.

I found the beginning of conversation with Jesus that day

to be difficult.

Because He is so good ...

He began to share with me some of His thoughts.(Psalm 25:14)

and some things He wanted me to do.

Some made sense.

One

especially

did not.

What He told me to do ...

well, it was risky

knowing some things that I know.

I could deal with them though.

It was unconventional.

That I could deal with as well.

But then, instead of just agreeing

with Him

I began to ask questions.

Why do you want me to do this?

What will it accomplish?

What if I am mishearing you?

What if it doesn't work?

What if she doesn't understand?

What if ...

What if ....

And then a text came requesting prayer ...

and it was confirmed.

I agreed with Jesus to do it.

My trip was full of talking to Jesus

Yet this topic never resurfaced

that I can recall

until Monday ...

and the Lord spoke to my heart.

I tried to act quickly.

I sent a text.

He gives me specific words to speak

No response.

Doubt.

Rejection.

Fear.

Lord, Am I hearing you right? This isn't working out??


Yes, you are. Just wait.

More time passes.

Self-doubt really enters.

The enemy's voice is louder ... hissing at me.

You are a fool. Why would God ask you to do that? Right! He gave you a word for someone else? You expect anyone to buy that? Why is that more plausible than a Sixth Sense? 
What makes you qualified? You will drive them right out of your life.
You should think of others instead of thinking of yourself all the time.
You made this up in your head. And you think so and so is deceived!

OK Lord, I need to know.

More texts.

Confirmation ...

the words He spoke to my heart

almost a week earlier

spoken in a question

But then there was this

resistance

or lack of getting that I had something

important that needed to be done

and so I gave up.

In my pride

because I didn't have good answers

because I don't trust that I am hearing His Voice

because I trust the discernment of others

more than my own ability to hear

I back-pedaled.

Furiously ...

Emotionally ...

Spiritually ...

Trying to regain my footing

I had jumped out into something

I was unsure of ...

and found that the ground was shaky.


That was Tuesday.


Wednesday came and went

in a hurricane of emotion.

Doubt swirled

and the gale force of enemy's voice

whipped through my mind

sweeping away all confidence

that I could stand

Lord, I heard you.

I acted quickly.

I did what you said.

You confirmed.

I was turned away.

Why can't you give me

peace in the obedience??

I did it!

I did it joyfully!!!

I was excited!!!

I was determined!!!

Were you really?

I can't make this happen!!!

I can't force my way in!!!

I'm tired of trying

to share what You are doing

what you are teaching me

and there's this wall ...

I'm too slow getting to the point.

The details are too much.

It can't be very important

You aren't making this happen!!

Lord I am so weak

so easily hurt

so ... not a warrior for You.

vulnerable

susceptible

easily swayed

I fell asleep, sort of, on Wednesday night so full of all the things I am not ... so full of how I had failed as a friend, as a witness, as a mom, as a wife ... as a person. The steady stream of tears hit my pillow in silent waves with every recollection of failure, every time I had longed for someone to pursue me in my desperation and been left in my own pit ... knowing I deserved every single reminder.

When I woke yesterday morning, my head literally hung low as I grabbed my Bible- my devotion book and opened. I couldn't get past it the Condemnation followed me to school ... weak-minded ... that's me. Not yielding to Your Voice. Not even being sure ... even when I think I am sure.

LORD, I was sure!

And the voice came ...

Yes, you were sure.

Yes, you were obedient.

But were you determined?

WHAT Are you serious Lord? I tried!!

Really? A few texts? Are you serious?
You tried? How far are you willing to go
to do what I ask of you? How much are you
willing to give up? How much Amy? I asked you
to do something FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE
for someone I love ... for someone who loves you ...

LORD, I am not going to beg. She thinks I am weak.
Thinks I am vulnerable to the enemy. Thinks I am a
bossy oldest child.

She thinks she failed you. She thinks you are hiding
in your grave clothes. She talks to me about  you everyday. 
She is the gift I gave you when your heart cried out. I have
something she needs to hear and I trusted it to you to give to
her. I've asked you to do something ... and you have made this
about you. I need you to obey me.

Lord, I am not begging. I'm not going to look needy.
I am not going to be vulnerable. I am not! 


Child, you are needy. You are vulnerable to the enemy.
You are hiding. And you can be bossy. I need you to be determined!
Determined to do what I ask you to do. You asked me to help you recognize
my voice. Lean in and listen to me.

Ok Lord, I'm trying.

The morning was busy, gathering students for the last day of testing. As I enter Mrs. Ivens room to gather my student, she tells me that Mr Carter is going to sing for her class before testing begins. I really want to hear this. I decide to wait with the class for him to arrive ... in the wait, Pam reads a children's book to  her students ...

this is the 4th grade, so the question doesn't necessarily have to be on topic. This was not ... it was random. Well, maybe to the rest of the people in the room.

This boy asked a question about the very thing the Lord had asked me to do. The purpose, the history ...

Lord, I really try to be humble.

Don't mistake humble for timid.

Oh, Lord, I am weak!  I am timid.
I am so afraid of offending, losing, alienating ...

You are afraid of being alone, left out, abandoned
given up on, ridiculed ... not heard, not understood
...

Lord, Pete's going to sing. Can we finish this later.
I really thought I was doing the right thing. I really
thought ...

Shhh ... listen to the words ...

... Daddy, Daddy, what have we seen here today?
There's so much we don't, understand.
So I took them in my arms ...
and I said, dear children,

Watch the Lamb.

Watch the Lamb. I'm trying to watch Lord.
Oh Jesus ... I'm trying.

My sheep know my voice. When you hear Me- run.
When I send you-go. Stop thinking you are responsible
for the outcome. You are responsible for the journey. Take
each step as I tell you.

So what does it look like to
be determined??

Do what I ask you ... and then wait.
Ask for a time and then wait.
Send a book and then wait.
Send a text and then wait.
Make a petition and then wait.
Take each step and then wait.
If the way isn't clearly
defined ... wait on ME. Don't think
ahead of this day,
this action,
this request.
Your role has been crafted since the beginning of time
Take you your role.
Don't assume mine,
do not relenquish yours because you meet resistance or
question.
I will be your defender.
Your strength is in Me.
Obedience is what I have called you to ...
outcomes,
that is Holy Spirit business.

So I just do ... and you take care of the rest.

Yes.

And yes.

Have I just missed it this time?

No you haven't missed it. You needed to learn
this lesson. Now wait. The disciples fell asleep.
Wait with open eyes and an open heart.
Anticipate what is to come without manipulation.

Was this lesson for me or did you really want me to tell her?

Yes.