What does twirling look like for you?
Today Lysa took us on a journey with her ... confessing her want to have her daddy tell her she was beautiful ... a sweet dress on a an 8 year old little girl ... twirling, hoping he would notice ... but never receiving that affirmation.
She spent an equal amount of time telling us about a time when Jesus spoke to her heart, showing her that she is part of His family ... and that it was time to stop twirling. It was a beautiful picture of how He sees our need- even if we do not.
I took away from the blessed Word which she gave us this question ... what does twirling look like for me? And I was shocked at how quickly Jesus brought images to my heart and mind.
Twirling for me takes on a variety of forms.
1) I twirled by being silent and staying out of the line of fire. That's how I maintained my status as the good girl. Quiet, out of the way, don't ask for anything, don't expect anything, don't need anything.
In my life today, that looks like this ... I do not find it easy to say "I need ..." or "Would you ..." or "Could you ... " or anything else that might be an inconvenience or imposition. It's two-fold really ... I fear rejection for being needy, but more than that, I fear rejection for not being important enough to have my needs met. Oh, and then there's the fact that I really do not know what is a reasonable to ask from someone need ... and what is unreasonable. Safest to just not need.
2) I strived to be necessary. If I did things that needed done, then I was important in my family.If I was essential, then I wouldn't be discarded for something better. I became an expert at reading the situation as seeing needs. It meant my place in a relationship was secure. I became the care-taker because it gave me purpose and worth.
In my life today, that looks like this ... I read situations better than the average Joe. I listen with both ears tuned not just to what is said, but what is not said. It is automatic to read my surroundings ... and I know people. I see the need- and I am responsive. I can not help myself. Many times I seem to be surrounded by people who are takers and not givers ... because I am uncomfortable with taking because it means that my necessity is in jeopardy. I often have friends that call when they need to talk, need help in some way but I am not the friend they call to hang out. Because I am service driven, I think that is because I approach life too seriously many times.
3) I tried to be a boy. There's a lot behind that statement but the truth is I was the best son my father ever had. I bound my chest as it started to grow. I wore jeans, sweats, boys shoes and a ball cap most of the time. I threw like a boy. Played football like a boy. Punched like a boy. Cussed like a boy. Dreamed of being a boy.
In my life today, that looks like this ... I have much difficulty embracing anything feminine. I wear too many things that are gray ... and bare skin makes me uncomfortable. Not so long ago, my step-mother made this statement, "You know, your father always really wanted a son." And even though I knew that to be true may years ago ... it impacted my heart in ways I have yet to make peace with today.
Today ... I want to stop twirling. I want to realize deep in my heart that I am part of God's family ... and He loves me the way I am. Period.
I think I'll be thinking about twirling for a while ...
She spent an equal amount of time telling us about a time when Jesus spoke to her heart, showing her that she is part of His family ... and that it was time to stop twirling. It was a beautiful picture of how He sees our need- even if we do not.
I took away from the blessed Word which she gave us this question ... what does twirling look like for me? And I was shocked at how quickly Jesus brought images to my heart and mind.
Twirling for me takes on a variety of forms.
1) I twirled by being silent and staying out of the line of fire. That's how I maintained my status as the good girl. Quiet, out of the way, don't ask for anything, don't expect anything, don't need anything.
In my life today, that looks like this ... I do not find it easy to say "I need ..." or "Would you ..." or "Could you ... " or anything else that might be an inconvenience or imposition. It's two-fold really ... I fear rejection for being needy, but more than that, I fear rejection for not being important enough to have my needs met. Oh, and then there's the fact that I really do not know what is a reasonable to ask from someone need ... and what is unreasonable. Safest to just not need.
2) I strived to be necessary. If I did things that needed done, then I was important in my family.If I was essential, then I wouldn't be discarded for something better. I became an expert at reading the situation as seeing needs. It meant my place in a relationship was secure. I became the care-taker because it gave me purpose and worth.
In my life today, that looks like this ... I read situations better than the average Joe. I listen with both ears tuned not just to what is said, but what is not said. It is automatic to read my surroundings ... and I know people. I see the need- and I am responsive. I can not help myself. Many times I seem to be surrounded by people who are takers and not givers ... because I am uncomfortable with taking because it means that my necessity is in jeopardy. I often have friends that call when they need to talk, need help in some way but I am not the friend they call to hang out. Because I am service driven, I think that is because I approach life too seriously many times.
3) I tried to be a boy. There's a lot behind that statement but the truth is I was the best son my father ever had. I bound my chest as it started to grow. I wore jeans, sweats, boys shoes and a ball cap most of the time. I threw like a boy. Played football like a boy. Punched like a boy. Cussed like a boy. Dreamed of being a boy.
In my life today, that looks like this ... I have much difficulty embracing anything feminine. I wear too many things that are gray ... and bare skin makes me uncomfortable. Not so long ago, my step-mother made this statement, "You know, your father always really wanted a son." And even though I knew that to be true may years ago ... it impacted my heart in ways I have yet to make peace with today.
Today ... I want to stop twirling. I want to realize deep in my heart that I am part of God's family ... and He loves me the way I am. Period.
I think I'll be thinking about twirling for a while ...
posted by Amy B @ 10:15 PM
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