Resilience

AJ is at the beach.

Randy and I took a short, but very sweet, trip to Indian Boundary.

It was filled with moments-

moments to snuggle, moments to laugh, moments to be quiet ...

and moments to talk.

I was almost shocked at how long it had been since we really talked.

We often neglect that part of our marriage. I'm busy. He's busy. AJ is crazy busy.

After the first night ... we talked long enough that comfort settled in over the top of decisions, schedules, plans ... the simple conveying of details. I'm so grateful in the midst of the chaos that often surrounds us to know this could happen!

And we began to really talk in the privacy of the moment about things that are significant, I confessed that on a short stop around the lake I really didn't want to stop because I was determined to make it all the way around without stopping and walking my bike at all ... for those of you who have done the lake- I know it isn't really that big a deal. But last year, after 7 years of visiting this same campground ... I finally rode my bike around the lake. But had to stop and walk a few hills.

Years ago someone I considered a friend spoke a horribly negative comment over me-our families often did activities together. As we set out to do a trail she told me she does "these things" to challenge herself and that she was glad that another friend wasn't there because she would struggle to make it and expected everyone to wait on her. While it was an unkind attitude directed toward another 'friend'  I made a conscious decision that I would not be that friend. I found my way back to Randy and begged out of the hike.  I knew that I was the least likely to succeed on the trip ... and felt the comment was directed toward  me. It would be confirmed as we prepared for a trip a couple of months later more directly.

I didn't make either journey. And I missed many other adventures as well. Everytime there was an event, her words of disgust about "the other friend" rang in my ears. I'm ashamed to admit how many things I missed out on because I feared her disdain!


As we made a second trip around the lake later that afternoon, we stopped in the same spot. It was on that stop that the truth came from Randy's lips ... the ones that only moments earlier, in the gentleness of the shade, had made their way from my lips to the nape of my neck ... as I turned back toward him, my heart was primed to receive him again as I looked up into his eyes ...

"You know, the only thing that holds you back is that you are afraid to fail. You quit as soon as you think you aren't going to do it right."

The truth of that stung ... but the sincerity of the moments prior made me feel safe in admitting that truth out loud to him.

The exchange wasn't long ... the kissing was over ... but his words hung in the lack of busy-ness of my mind.

We climbed back onto our bikes with the hill that gives me the most trouble looming before me. In my mind I was determined to not quit. I've heard the words from others ... "I challenged myself to not have to walk the hills" ... I did the same ... I admit that I uttered a prayer of "please let me do this Lord" ... "he thinks I'm a quitter" ... the enemy was taking Randy's words and unloading them right on top of me ... I was determined ... I hit the hill refusing to quit ... I WILL NOT QUIT ... and then it happened ...

my bike tire hit a rut ... I was pedeling so hard that my tire spun in the rut ... and my bike ...

stopped dead in it's tracks.

i know that i looked like a cartoon character toppling to the right in slow motion ...

and as I fell, the enemy's voice followed me all the way down ... laughing ... whispering failure ... must not have prayed right ... fail ... weak ... ugly words until my body hit the ground.

I look up and see Randy headed back toward me, I'm up quickly with a smile saying "I'm fine." Determined to let him see what he wanted to see ... I'm okay with not making it. I'm okay with failiing. Again. He says, 'this is not a fail' ... and so I put on a smile, climb back on my bike and pedel on toward the camper.

My mind is deafeningly silent ... the enemy has said plenty.

As we return, my book awaits me. Randy takes a nap ... and I decided to just lose myself in someone else's life. The story of Unbroken is compelling ... troubled immigrant kid makes good as a athlete, joins the efforts to win WWII ... but the story of his will to survive captured me.

Resilience is the word on the front of the book.

resilience ... “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity" ...

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

Resilience and steadfastness are things that I struggle with ... and Randy nailed why right between the eyes ... I fear failure.

Failure seems to define itself in my soul as being not enough, too much, expendable, disposable, unpursued, not chosen, inadequate, unappreicated and misunderstood. That is probably not a complete list, but those are the failures that regularly worm their way into my heart. They are the lies the enemy speaks loudly.

Let's go back to the rut that I hit in the center of the hill ...

it really is a picture of life for me. I run at things I think I can do - hard. If I think I can do it, think I will be accepted and successful ... I go! But when resistance hits- I find myself stopped dead in my tracks - gripped by fear and looking around to see who saw the epic fail. While some people would go back to the bottom of the hill and refuse to fail, proudly exhibiting their success ... I desperately look to keep my composure and find my mask. The one that says, "I'm okay because if I am not ... well, then what good am I?"

The futility of this thinking is evident the minute it hits the screen ... I know in my head that it's faulty thinking. I KNOW. But I also know the reality is that people are drawn to success. Draw to results. And often bog down in the process of arrival. And so I often hide the process from others. It means I'm not accountable ... though I subject myself to ample kicks in the tail for failure. But what I can't offer myself is grace and encouragement. Those few times I have opened myself to let others see, I feel like(my perception) the process has taken too long, too many years ... and they weary of the efforts. The words "you just must not want it enough" ring through as words spoken over a decade ago ... but kept me from seeking help in the process from this friend ever again. It keeps me from doing more than sticking my toe in the water when I am feeling especially vulnerable.

How does this work itself out? How did I get from the slow-motion moment on my bike to here ...

well, I'm tired of the ruts of life stalling me. But I'm equally tired of feeling as if I have to hide the ruts of life under my own self-imposed isolation of "you gotta have it all together and worked through before you expose the steps in the process" ... knowing the outcome of the story before I engage ...

risky business this exposure thing though. Big changes often require baby steps and a timely process. Lots of room for hurt ... but lots of room for God to work.

I don't have any really big finale to this post. I didn't tackle the hill again on this trip. I haven't finished the book so I don't know if Louis' resilience pays off. I don't have a specific issue that I courageously jumped into and confided in someone ... most of my private battles are known to a few but the war waged on my own ... it keeps us all safe and smiling ... but June 2 of Jesus Calling offers hope ...

Relax in my healing, holy presence. Be still, while I transform your heart and mind. Let go of cares and worries so that you can receive My Peace. Cease striving and knowing that I am God. Do not be like Pharisees who multiplied regulations creating their own form of godliness. They got so wrapped up in their own rules that they lost sight of Me. Even today, man'made rules about how to live the Christian life enslave many people. Tehri focus is on their performance, rather than me. It is through knowing Me intimately that you become like Me. This requires spending time alone with Me. Let go, relax, be still and know that I am God.  

Resilience is appealing. It's the pretty girl that gets asked to the prom. It sells books, songs, moments and acceptance. Struggle is the ugly girl with the great personality, lots of character and compassion. The one who buys the books, the songs, the moments and acceptance ...

I am so thankful that the resilence Jesus asks for is only dependance on Him. And as I become resilient in my quest for Him, the journey will seem more full of provisions and less like failure!! And the circumstances will be the same ... just seen in the light of His Love.