ahhh ...

Summer permits some of my favorite things. I had my Bible in my lap this day as I sat on the deck at the cabin my parents rented over Memorial Day. On this day, other than the fact that AJ was gone ... things seemed still and quiet. I was able to wake in the arms of my man without rushing toward the day,  solicit prayer requests by text, pray with a friend who's heart hurt for her daughter, made breakfast with my mom and sister, listened to the heart of my sweet niece while mine broke into a million pieces for her on the inside ... days have passed ... but as this picture surfaced this morning ... my need to pray for the requests given that day were renewed ... my heart broke all over again for my niece ... and the tears I fought so desperately that day rose again in my throat ...

Then my mind wandered to a young friend ... she calls herself a believer, but she is involved in talking to spirits and calls them "her light" ... that friend is absolutely in the thick of a battle for her family, her marriage ... and I sense an urgency for her soul ... that urgency began several years ago ... it heightened as desperate texts surfaced a few months ago ... and more so this week ... SHE NEEDS JESUS ... she's agreed to a 30 day 'trial' of Jesus Calling ... I am pleading with the Lord to reveal himself to her in a HUGE way ... I know this post is like a running commentary ... I'm struggling with letting AJ go for over 3 weeks ... I was convicted as I prayed in the shower on Monday morning that I have this sweet young friend who is so all consumed by the fact that her circumstances are robbing her of 'the light'  in her life ... and she doesn't have the real light ... and she is willing to step out, look foolish, forgive a wrong, forgive a deep hurt, seek the false light so that her children are not impacted ...

and I was embarrassed, I was convicted ... I stood there with the water pouring over my head diluting the tears that streamed without pause ...

I know the source of the Only Light. I know the voice of my Shepherd. I know I am safe in the Potter's Hand. And yet, I allow the circumstances of my life to dim the light of His Love.

As I walked upstairs that morning, in my heart I heard "I wonder if I can hide in my gray sweatshirt for the whole time AJ is gone?"

The antithesis of "The Light" ...seeking the covering of the gray.

As the thought entered my mind, I dismissed it.

But as I stood in the shower I knew ...

"out of the mouth the heart speaks ..."

and while those thoughts never let my mouth,

the heart was evident.

I didn't confess, I just mourned.

I didn't tell anyone of my thoughts.

Not one of my best friends.

Not my husband.

Not my gathering of ladies at Bible Study.

I tucked it neatly away.

And got busy trying.

Then this morning I opened my Jesus Calling ...

how does He do this???

"Seek to live in my love,

which covers a multitude of sins.

Yours and others.

Wear my Love like a cloak of Light,

covering you from head to toe.

Have no fear, for perfect love decimates fear.

Look at other people through

lenses of Love:

see them from My perspective.

This is how you walk in the Light,

and it pleases me.

I want my Body of believers to be radiant with the Light of My Presence.

How I grieve when pockets of darkness increasingly dim the Love-light.

Return to me, your First Love!

Gaze at Me in the splendor of holiness,

and My Love will once again envelop

you in Light.

ARE YOU SERIOUS??

Can I really sit with people and say,

"I don't want Him to have to scream at me anymore!"

And not pay attention to the loving whispers

in the still of the morning?

He wraps me in love

He provides precious example

of those carrying the Light

in my life

and I am going to let

my feelings

dim the Light of Love

of the Lover of My Soul?

So today I confess

when the words of those around me fall heavy

I fade

when I am chosen last

I fade

when I am left behind

I fade

when I feel less than loved

I fade

when I hear the enemy

I fade

when I miss the mark

I fade

when I feel insecure

I fade

when I feel I am not significant

I fade

when I feel that my circumstance defines me

I fade

and when I fade

I sin

I am to be a light

a City on a Hill

Lord Jesus

help me

be a light

help me not fade

in the shadow

of my circumstances

if my heart needs

to be broken

let me walk their

knowing you can restore

if my emotions need altering

healing

tear down the walls

that prevent me from experiencing

the Love you have provided in my life