Mercy does Matter ... and Joy Does Come

SEEDS ...

New Bible Study

Seed One: Forgotten

You know .... there are times when God just blows my mind. And right now ... I am in that season. For any number of years, like my whole life, I have been an incredible actor. I wore a mask that concealed how I really felt about most things. I wore a mask that covered the things that really bother me. And the words it doesn't matter or it's no big deal or I'm fine were my mantra. Very few things shook me. Very few things caused me to admit a need. And emotion was not an issue. My best friend lived 500 miles away and I could muster a voice that covered the hurt when it was more than I knew how to convey. And when it was something the Lord was prompting me to wrestle with that I wanted to work through before I let anyone see the ugly process ... well ... I would just go into hiding.

Then he sent me a best friend who lives 3 minutes from me. She sees me almost everyday. She hears the hurt in my voice through a text. And proximity makes hiding impossible.She sees the ugly process ... and in truth, in the past year or so every time I wrestle with the Lord about something He wants me to 'deal with' and I want to ignore ... He allows me to get into a situation where I expose the craziness to her ...

and then He brings about a message or a Bible Study or a devotion that I might have otherwise blown off or ignored or denied ... but alas ...

I cannot because another has seen the need

that I might very well buried deep within my breaking heart.

Some days ...

that stinks.

It's embarrassing.

It's humbling.

At times

I feel so completely exposed

and vulnerable.

I'm helpless to deny

my need to her

because she sees it.

She applies His Truth to it

and as if it were alcohol to a wound

and as the depth of the injury is disclosed

hiding seems childish and futile.

It happened again just last week.

In a moment of weakness I said things like

I'm depleted ... I'm empty ... I'm dying inside

I am sowing into so many places

I have got to have a Bible Study.

I left the conversation

hoping that she'd skimmed over the words of the text.

Knowing she was at work and traveling

and responses had been limited.

But today she text me after I had handed her

our new Bible Study.

In the first week

she knew the Lord has seen me last week

seen the chaos

and what I wanted

to pass off as

tired

overwhelmed

hormonal

and stupid

He pointed out that wasn't it at all.

And He'd let me look ridiculous

in front of another

just so I couldn't hide.

Forgotten implies that I have a need.

And I am not comfortable with that.

Looking at what feeling forgotten looks like

means I have to admit to myself

that I feel that way.

That I feel.

It means I have to confess sin.

And let Him minister to the broken places yet again.

But when I prayed for light to shine on the dark places

He heard my plea

even though I had no idea what I was asking for

but He knew.

One I love

has been given an ominous health report.

He is the man who taught me it was safe to trust men. The one who made me think it might work out to be a wife. That maybe, just maybe, men other than my own Grandfather could be trusted.

His birthday was Friday. Many years we have spent it with him.

Today was Labor Day.

Events. Moments in time marked by an occassion. The calendar says it's a holiday ... and also gives a year stamp ... and when someone has heard the words "hopefully five years" in conjunction with their life ... I would think it would change your perspective of marking time.

In this precious circle of friendship we are believers ... we love Jesus ... we know He holds every single day in His hands ... we trust Him with those.

But in our humanness, we can not help but take note that one of the events of this time stamp given has been marked off to never return.

It screams of the need to make the most of every  moment.

I race to hug the ones I love with intent and purpose.

I eagerly say I love you when the conversation is finished ... not out of habit or fear of regret ... but out of want for there to be no question when the time comes that it can not be said.

I long to hear the voice of the ones I love ... the sound that calls me out of the darkness when I am lost.

I yearn to laugh until tears rinse the hurt from my heart.

I am anxious to supply arms that speak rest to a weary soul ... without caution or fear.