Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Really???


things that make me wonder
what in the world am I thinking!!!
lol that's my boy!!!

Remember Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
hmmm ... will there be enough room?


Monday, June 20, 2011

I shouldn't be

but I am.

I shouldn't be sitting here at the computer typing.

But I am.

Because my head is full of thoughts.

In the past hour I heard this statement come out of my mouth ...

OK, not my mouth, it was a text ... but, anyway,

"wouldn't it be nice if we fell into those we love and that we know love us back without apology or fear, instead of pushing each other away in an effort to contain ourselves"

after all, we are called to be Christ-like ...

and He poured out all that He had for us.

I am guilty. I do the pushing. I do the containing.

I do far more pouring out on the safe pages of this blog or hidden behind the safety of a text message than I ever do face to face!!

I am not intimidated or afraid of big emotions or big tears ...

unless they are mine.

immediately, the Lord revealed something important to me ..

I'm not really afraid I will cry forever-

I'm not really afraid of my own tears-

my tears rarely fall unless I am alone!

So what it is that I am really afraid of!

I quickly rushed to the places in my life

when my heart was just in too much turmoil for most to know

what to do with me.

Is that it??

Am I afraid that others look at me

and simply don't know what to do with all of that ... stuff?

Is that what we are all afraid of??

Is the fear that I will look silly?

stupid?

weak?

vulnerable?

And do we ever allow ourselves to feel truly loved. Truly treasured. Truly protected. 

If we refuse to fall into someone we love, and who clearly loves us back ... are we really giving ourselves over to being in relationship with one another. Or are we simply playing along side each other ... like toddlers  together, but painfully alone ... unable to really relate?

I realize that Jesus is the only one who never lets us down ... but He created us to need one another-

can we be accountable without being intimately involved?

can we be intimately involved if we aren't invested in the big emotions? The big tears?

this is full of more questions than answers ...

In her blog Lysa tells a beautiful story about 2 flower pots ... very similar plants ... one thriving ... one with blooms dying on the vine ... the difference? One pot had holes in it and one pot didn't. The pot with holes in it let the water that was added drain out ... it didn't remain in the pot like the one that just collected the water, giving no outlet ... she made a bigger spiritual application about the Water being the Word ... it's a great illustration and you should go read it ... but in my world today, the water that needed an outlet was emotion, tears, frustration ... things we bottle up and refuse to let go of ... we stuff it, feed it, paint it, clothe it, wrap it, hide it ... all in an effort to contain ourselves. In the mean time, we simply drown the root system in us ... even if it goes deep ... nothing can survive contained ...

and we think no one cares enough to help us replant ...

or drill some holes in our pot.

Or will they see that we're leaky and assume that we're broken beyond repair?

I think I want to be more leaky too!!



Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Thunder Rolls

outside as my fingers seek the keyboard to form just the right words ...

the thunder rolls.



The thunder in my soul and the lightning in my eyes tell of the coming storm. A storm indicates a disturbance in the atmosphere.

The climate around here is changing ...

God is moving.

Hearts are at the ready ...

and the enemy is poised for battle.

We must be equally ready for battle.

There is so much at stake.

Eternity for some.

This very moment for others.

Yesterday can be forgive

Today salvaged

Tomorrow redeemed

for the His Glory.

Friday, June 17, 2011

it is not easy

but it is essential ...

this idea that we allow Him to radiate His presence into the hidden places of our heart. We turn the corner that we thought we recognized ... only to find that where He has cast His light, there is now a new element exposed that requires His crafting. Where I thought there was furtile soil, awaiting His Word, His plan ... there is rock that requires Him ... the crevices that I thought led to light, only lead to dark, empty places ... now that His light shines into them ... deep, private places that no one else knew existed ... no longer provide the refuge that felt so real ... they envelop me with a snicker ... and then His Glory shines brightly through ... filling the dark places with His presence ... promising hope.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I woke at 5am

I just haven't been sleeping well.

Maybe it's the combination of

 not enough physical activity...

the AC upstairs isn't working

about 2//3 of the time ...

I ate onions on my burger last night ...

and AJ's passport arrived yesterday.

My Bible is in the car

so is Jesus Calling

Knowing I needed

to get my head straight first thing

I grabbed

Breaking Free Day by Day

"All our lives God retains
the strong feeling toward us
that infants evoke in their parents
because He never has to let us go!
He is not rearing us
to leave home.
He is rearing us
to come home. "

The line that said "strong feeling
toward infants" made me go back.

And the morning's search began!

There was a cassette that AJ and I
listened to every single night
of his little life until he was about 8.
My nieces and nephew
have all fallen to sleep
to the sounds of simple melodies
and profound Truth.

The fact that I easily
placed my hands on the cassette
was a sign that God really did
have something for me to hear
on it!!

The addition that my niece responded
to my text which said,
"I just found AJ's Bless My Baby
Boy cassette. You know I prayed
those blessings over every one of you
as we cuddled in AJ's big bed together!
I love you and I'm praying for you today."

with her own text,
"I love you too
Auntie A ...
I have been looking for that
everywhere! I want it for my kids."

and caused further snot slinging tears to fall.

This must be hormonal!

As the tape began to play
the Lord reminded me
that I had made some promises ...
that He has been preparing
my heart for this for many years ...
that He has a plan ...

The CD would start light hearted ...

Itty Bitty Baby Boy ... Daddy's dream, mama's joy ...

on to

Drip drop drip drop
upon the house top
pitter patter pitter patter
on the window pane
tap tap tap
fall asleep on my lap
as we rock to the rhythm
of the falling rain (Tisha's favorite)

to

Peek a boo baby ...
I love you ...

and then the songs of life long blessing would begin ...

It is written



in God’s word


that sons are a heritage


from the Lord


and little children


are his reward,


you are a gift from God
 
And so I would sing this
 
while I place him to my breast ...
 
that song would feed into the next ...
 
There are 3 things that will remain



3 Thing that will never never change



These things will always stay the same

 
Faith hope and love


Faith will make you able to please the Lord each day


Hope will help your heart to know that God will make a way


Love will be the greatest gift for love will see you through.

And while I sang those words over AJ

Jesus sang them over me.

Then I would sing of his future wife ...

There may come a day



When you may long to say


You’ll be forever true


To a very special girl


Who brings joy into your world


Now I pray


I Pray that woman shines like a diamond in your mind


And may the love you find keep two hearts as one for a life time.
 
And told myself the lie
those days wouldn't be here
for a lifetime.
 
it seems like yesterday
 
Then, like clockwork, we would switch sides ...
and the final songs would play ...
 
today I was reminded ...
 
 
It is written



in God’s word


that sons are a heritage


from the Lord


and little children


are his reward,


you are a gift from God
------------------------------------------------
Lord I dedicate



Yes I consecrate


My son unto you


For your purposes


for your perfect plan


For all the things you’ll have him do


Lord I give back to you

this child you have given me


For he belongs to you


He’s just a loan of love


A gift from above


And I give him back to you



Lord he belongs to you


He’s a loan of love


A gift from above


And I give him back to you.



I remember the very day

my heart sang it instead of just my mouth ...

I remember the smile on his face

and the milk that poured from

the sides of that perfect little smile

as he latched tightly

onto my body

my tears dripped onto his face.

The ones that were pleading silently

not let me hold on for a little while.

The ones that found a depth

in my soul that I did not know existed.



I promised You Lord.

I won't go back on it.

I want AJ to be your man

help me to know when to hang on

and when to let go.

Nicaragua seems so far away ...

I wonder if earth seemed far away when
you sent Jesus here?

The pitter patter these days
are those same tears ...
pleading for comfort
for the prayer you have faithfully answered.


















Thursday, June 9, 2011

ahhh ...


Summer permits some of my favorite things. I had my Bible in my lap this day as I sat on the deck at the cabin my parents rented over Memorial Day. On this day, other than the fact that AJ was gone ... things seemed still and quiet. I was able to wake in the arms of my man without rushing toward the day,  solicit prayer requests by text, pray with a friend who's heart hurt for her daughter, made breakfast with my mom and sister, listened to the heart of my sweet niece while mine broke into a million pieces for her on the inside ... days have passed ... but as this picture surfaced this morning ... my need to pray for the requests given that day were renewed ... my heart broke all over again for my niece ... and the tears I fought so desperately that day rose again in my throat ...
Then my mind wandered to a young friend ... she calls herself a believer, but she is involved in talking to spirits and calls them "her light" ... that friend is absolutely in the thick of a battle for her family, her marriage ... and I sense an urgency for her soul ... that urgency began several years ago ... it heightened as desperate texts surfaced a few months ago ... and more so this week ... SHE NEEDS JESUS ... she's agreed to a 30 day 'trial' of Jesus Calling ... I am pleading with the Lord to reveal himself to her in a HUGE way ... I know this post is like a running commentary ... I'm struggling with letting AJ go for over 3 weeks ... I was convicted as I prayed in the shower on Monday morning that I have this sweet young friend who is so all consumed by the fact that her circumstances are robbing her of 'the light'  in her life ... and she doesn't have the real light ... and she is willing to step out, look foolish, forgive a wrong, forgive a deep hurt, seek the false light so that her children are not impacted ...

and I was embarrassed, I was convicted ... I stood there with the water pouring over my head diluting the tears that streamed without pause ...

I know the source of the Only Light. I know the voice of my Shepherd. I know I am safe in the Potter's Hand. And yet, I allow the circumstances of my life to dim the light of His Love.
As I walked upstairs that morning, in my heart I heard "I wonder if I can hide in my gray sweatshirt for the whole time AJ is gone?"
The antithesis of "The Light" ...seeking the covering of the gray.
As the thought entered my mind, I dismissed it.
But as I stood in the shower I knew ...
"out of the mouth the heart speaks ..."
and while those thoughts never let my mouth,
the heart was evident.
I didn't confess, I just mourned.
I didn't tell anyone of my thoughts.
Not one of my best friends.
Not my husband.
Not my gathering of ladies at Bible Study.
I tucked it neatly away.
And got busy trying.
Then this morning I opened my Jesus Calling ...
how does He do this???

"Seek to live in my love,
which covers a multitude of sins.
Yours and others.
Wear my Love like a cloak of Light,
covering you from head to toe.
Have no fear, for perfect love decimates fear.
Look at other people through
lenses of Love:
see them from My perspective.
This is how you walk in the Light,
and it pleases me.
I want my Body of believers to be radiant with the Light of My Presence.
How I grieve when pockets of darkness increasingly dim the Love-light.
Return to me, your First Love!
Gaze at Me in the splendor of holiness,
and My Love will once again envelop
you in Light.

ARE YOU SERIOUS??
Can I really sit with people and say,
"I don't want Him to have to scream at me anymore!"
And not pay attention to the loving whispers
in the still of the morning?
He wraps me in love
He provides precious example
of those carrying the Light
in my life
and I am going to let
my feelings
dim the Light of Love
of the Lover of My Soul?
So today I confess

when the words of those around me fall heavy
I fade
when I am chosen last
I fade
when I am left behind
I fade
when I feel less than loved
I fade
when I hear the enemy
I fade
when I miss the mark
I fade
when I feel insecure
I fade
when I feel I am not significant
I fade
when I feel that my circumstance defines me
I fade

and when I fade
I sin

I am to be a light
a City on a Hill
Lord Jesus
help me
be a light
help me not fade
in the shadow
of my circumstances
if my heart needs
to be broken
let me walk their
knowing you can restore
if my emotions need altering
healing
tear down the walls
that prevent me from experiencing
the Love you have provided in my life



Monday, June 6, 2011

sometimes it isn't what I wanted ...

But then something unexpected happens!

I wanted today to go a particular way ... it didn't.

Today, I didn't want my way as much as I wanted God's way.

It doesn't always play out that I am patient ...

Sometimes I think I have to try harder

And until today -

I would linger on my disobedience if things didn't work the way I thought they were supposed to go.

Today in that moment that happens when women take the time to let God speak to them ...

as I took the time to let God speak to me through my friend

I realized that all I can do is my part.

I can't be the Holy Spirit for my son.

Or my husband.

Or my friends.

Or myself for that matter.

The Holy Spirit does the convicting.

I speak truth.

I make myself available

to be used up,

poured out

a vessel.

That's it.

Available.

Not responsible.

I lay it before the Lord.

I wait.

It's His job.

He's good at it.

I can be an obedient daughter.

Or I can be disobedient.

Today, I read a quote in When Women Say Yes to God ...

It went something like this ...

We should worry so much about how things will turn out when we are obedient

We should worry about what we will miss when we are disobedient!!

I don't want to miss any of it!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

out of time outs

I'm sitting watching the NBA finals with my men ...

the announcer just said that Dallas is "out of time outs"

In a little girl voice in my head that I have not heard in a while I asked Jesus,

"Do I have any time outs left??:"

I need a time out. I need a moment.

I want very much to be transformed
     but my heart is just in a spin. A twist at time. I 'feel' things intensely right now and have very little ability to release those feelings in any productive way. I find myself desperately wishing I could cry a deep, air sucking when it's over sob ... and yet the emotion gives way to flat lined exterior covering over the turmoil within.

I want to say YES when the Lord calls
     but I hear so many things right now ... I know of an area of disobedience in my life and yet it is disobedience that I don't know quite how to execute the obedience! I want to be radical in my obedience ... I'm trying to learn what things that run through my mind are the voice of the Father ... I just want to be sure.

I need a time out ... a time out from voices ... a time out from expectations ... a time out from because the enemy has been on a run for about 6 weeks ... a time out from going it on my own ...

so tonight I'm asking for a time out Lord ... I feel like I need to get my feet under me ... it's like I'm off kilter ...

last night when I lay down my legs jerked and twitched ... like I was aching to go ... and I am stifled.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Resilience

AJ is at the beach.

Randy and I took a short, but very sweet, trip to Indian Boundary.

It was filled with moments-

moments to snuggle, moments to laugh, moments to be quiet ...

and moments to talk.

I was almost shocked at how long it had been since we really talked.

We often neglect that part of our marriage. I'm busy. He's busy. AJ is crazy busy.

After the first night ... we talked long enough that comfort settled in over the top of decisions, schedules, plans ... the simple conveying of details. I'm so grateful in the midst of the chaos that often surrounds us to know this could happen!

And we began to really talk in the privacy of the moment about things that are significant, I confessed that on a short stop around the lake I really didn't want to stop because I was determined to make it all the way around without stopping and walking my bike at all ... for those of you who have done the lake- I know it isn't really that big a deal. But last year, after 7 years of visiting this same campground ... I finally rode my bike around the lake. But had to stop and walk a few hills.

Years ago someone I considered a friend spoke a horribly negative comment over me-our families often did activities together. As we set out to do a trail she told me she does "these things" to challenge herself and that she was glad that another friend wasn't there because she would struggle to make it and expected everyone to wait on her. While it was an unkind attitude directed toward another 'friend'  I made a conscious decision that I would not be that friend. I found my way back to Randy and begged out of the hike.  I knew that I was the least likely to succeed on the trip ... and felt the comment was directed toward  me. It would be confirmed as we prepared for a trip a couple of months later more directly.

I didn't make either journey. And I missed many other adventures as well. Everytime there was an event, her words of disgust about "the other friend" rang in my ears. I'm ashamed to admit how many things I missed out on because I feared her disdain!


As we made a second trip around the lake later that afternoon, we stopped in the same spot. It was on that stop that the truth came from Randy's lips ... the ones that only moments earlier, in the gentleness of the shade, had made their way from my lips to the nape of my neck ... as I turned back toward him, my heart was primed to receive him again as I looked up into his eyes ...

"You know, the only thing that holds you back is that you are afraid to fail. You quit as soon as you think you aren't going to do it right."

The truth of that stung ... but the sincerity of the moments prior made me feel safe in admitting that truth out loud to him.

The exchange wasn't long ... the kissing was over ... but his words hung in the lack of busy-ness of my mind.

We climbed back onto our bikes with the hill that gives me the most trouble looming before me. In my mind I was determined to not quit. I've heard the words from others ... "I challenged myself to not have to walk the hills" ... I did the same ... I admit that I uttered a prayer of "please let me do this Lord" ... "he thinks I'm a quitter" ... the enemy was taking Randy's words and unloading them right on top of me ... I was determined ... I hit the hill refusing to quit ... I WILL NOT QUIT ... and then it happened ...

my bike tire hit a rut ... I was pedeling so hard that my tire spun in the rut ... and my bike ...

stopped dead in it's tracks.

i know that i looked like a cartoon character toppling to the right in slow motion ...

and as I fell, the enemy's voice followed me all the way down ... laughing ... whispering failure ... must not have prayed right ... fail ... weak ... ugly words until my body hit the ground.

I look up and see Randy headed back toward me, I'm up quickly with a smile saying "I'm fine." Determined to let him see what he wanted to see ... I'm okay with not making it. I'm okay with failiing. Again. He says, 'this is not a fail' ... and so I put on a smile, climb back on my bike and pedel on toward the camper.

My mind is deafeningly silent ... the enemy has said plenty.

As we return, my book awaits me. Randy takes a nap ... and I decided to just lose myself in someone else's life. The story of Unbroken is compelling ... troubled immigrant kid makes good as a athlete, joins the efforts to win WWII ... but the story of his will to survive captured me.

Resilience is the word on the front of the book.

resilience ... “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity" ...

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

Resilience and steadfastness are things that I struggle with ... and Randy nailed why right between the eyes ... I fear failure.

Failure seems to define itself in my soul as being not enough, too much, expendable, disposable, unpursued, not chosen, inadequate, unappreicated and misunderstood. That is probably not a complete list, but those are the failures that regularly worm their way into my heart. They are the lies the enemy speaks loudly.

Let's go back to the rut that I hit in the center of the hill ...

it really is a picture of life for me. I run at things I think I can do - hard. If I think I can do it, think I will be accepted and successful ... I go! But when resistance hits- I find myself stopped dead in my tracks - gripped by fear and looking around to see who saw the epic fail. While some people would go back to the bottom of the hill and refuse to fail, proudly exhibiting their success ... I desperately look to keep my composure and find my mask. The one that says, "I'm okay because if I am not ... well, then what good am I?"

The futility of this thinking is evident the minute it hits the screen ... I know in my head that it's faulty thinking. I KNOW. But I also know the reality is that people are drawn to success. Draw to results. And often bog down in the process of arrival. And so I often hide the process from others. It means I'm not accountable ... though I subject myself to ample kicks in the tail for failure. But what I can't offer myself is grace and encouragement. Those few times I have opened myself to let others see, I feel like(my perception) the process has taken too long, too many years ... and they weary of the efforts. The words "you just must not want it enough" ring through as words spoken over a decade ago ... but kept me from seeking help in the process from this friend ever again. It keeps me from doing more than sticking my toe in the water when I am feeling especially vulnerable.

How does this work itself out? How did I get from the slow-motion moment on my bike to here ...

well, I'm tired of the ruts of life stalling me. But I'm equally tired of feeling as if I have to hide the ruts of life under my own self-imposed isolation of "you gotta have it all together and worked through before you expose the steps in the process" ... knowing the outcome of the story before I engage ...

risky business this exposure thing though. Big changes often require baby steps and a timely process. Lots of room for hurt ... but lots of room for God to work.

I don't have any really big finale to this post. I didn't tackle the hill again on this trip. I haven't finished the book so I don't know if Louis' resilience pays off. I don't have a specific issue that I courageously jumped into and confided in someone ... most of my private battles are known to a few but the war waged on my own ... it keeps us all safe and smiling ... but June 2 of Jesus Calling offers hope ...

Relax in my healing, holy presence. Be still, while I transform your heart and mind. Let go of cares and worries so that you can receive My Peace. Cease striving and knowing that I am God. Do not be like Pharisees who multiplied regulations creating their own form of godliness. They got so wrapped up in their own rules that they lost sight of Me. Even today, man'made rules about how to live the Christian life enslave many people. Tehri focus is on their performance, rather than me. It is through knowing Me intimately that you become like Me. This requires spending time alone with Me. Let go, relax, be still and know that I am God.  

Resilience is appealing. It's the pretty girl that gets asked to the prom. It sells books, songs, moments and acceptance. Struggle is the ugly girl with the great personality, lots of character and compassion. The one who buys the books, the songs, the moments and acceptance ...

I am so thankful that the resilence Jesus asks for is only dependance on Him. And as I become resilient in my quest for Him, the journey will seem more full of provisions and less like failure!! And the circumstances will be the same ... just seen in the light of His Love.