It was maybe 5 years ago that I heard a sermon/teaching that spoke of how impossible it is for another person to fill up that God' shaped space inside of your soul.

There was an amazing illustration of a rattling cup becomes a source of distraction for those around the empty-souled person who is constantly seeking to be filled.
We've all experienced that ... most of us have been on either side of the cup ... needing continual filling or desperately trying to fill the needs of someone else.
When I heard the sermon, I was convinced of the message. We can not get what we need from others. Nor are we capable of fulfilling the deep God-needs of those around us ...

It's Truth, in the greatest sense of the Word ... and as I love to hear some of my favorite southern preachers say "it'll preach!" ...

but the Lord has been re-awakened my soul to this message in past week or two and I've come to observe a new layer of this Truth.

The deep needs here are real -
every bit as real as the Truth.

The circumstances under which those needs have been exposed are real as well.

The chasm those needs have created is real.

Don't at all misunderstand me, most of the time the teaching that tells us that those deep needs can only be met by a Loving, Sovereign God - well, it's accurate. We can't fill those needs and we should not try to pretend we can.

But in the midst of watching that Truth in harsh re-action, I've seen some hurt. Because while we can't fill holes ... we can, by our careless, insensitive actions, make the hole deeper and wider and more pronounced.

We can reinforce insecurities.

We can feed false beliefs and lies the enemy is whispering in the quiet of the night.

We can carelessly hang those we profess to care about out to dry in any number of ways.

I've seen
husbands defeat wives.
wives deflate husbands
parents damage children in ways that reach across days, years and generations.
children dishonor parents through unthinkable carelessness.
friends destroy relationships with thoughtless words.

So, while it's true, we are not God. We can not fill that God-shaped space. When our cup is empty we ought first seek our Heavenly supply of Living Water ...

but when we encounter someone who is dry ... and clearly thirsty ... and running on empty ...

possibly we can realize that we might just be the rescue provision sent by the Supplier.

Will we simply point out the source a few thousand yard in distance or will be grasp the hand of the one who is lost and lead them to the Source of our own Divine filling? It probably means denying our own agenda. It probably means getting up off the couch from yet one more episode of whatever it is that you love to watch. It probably means losing an hour of sleep. It probably means more than a cursory word.It probably means hearing a voice or looking into eyes. It probably means an action of some sort.

Lord, make me aware of the needs around me. The ones that cry out in the eyes. The ones that words fail to express. The ones that choke in the deepest part of the chest because they can not excape their own prison. Help me to be that kind of friend. Help me to be that kind of servant. Help me to be Your hands, Your feet, Your heart.

School starts in 10 days ...

we don't usually speak works that even look like that around here. Usually, AJ gets up one morning, mid-July, when we have nothing on the schedule and I say, "Let's get going on 3rd grade, 4th grade"- whatever.

But those words are ever in our vocabulary right now. School starts in 3 weeks. 2 weeks. Now, 10 days.

And for me- Monday, at least I think. Still no contract in hand. No confirmation on the specific teaching assignment. It's pretty clear the Lord isn't really all that concerned about how being out of control makes my stomach churn and my head hurt. I really believed that this job would come with a little more security. Not feeling it so much at this point. I feel qualified and well prepared (especially after this week) that I can make a difference in the science program. Just want to know that I'm doing the right thing ... it's back to the partial provision issue. No clear direction there except there were many opportunities available and none offered yet. Heard several times this week- God's never early, never late, always right on time. SO- my need to always be 15 minutes early everywhere I go probably doesn't phase Him either.

So- this morning- we go school clothes shopping. Something AJ has never done. There's not much call for specific clothing when you homeschool ... the co-op has some specifics, but they are minimal and we always had stuff in the closet that met those criteria. This is a little different. And keeping up with the Jones' is a little more important to my kid than I realized. So ... today we will venture out and see what we can find to meet both the need and the want. Shorts, belts, t-shirts, a haircut ... all on the list.

But most of all- just a day with my fella. The fella I've spent the better part of everyday with for the past 6 years- and if I could find it within my heart to truly admit-outloud (which I will not do for his sake) ... probably speaks more loudly than anything else regarding my fears. If I do the wrong thing for me, I'm doing the wrong thing for him. And after sowing everything, literally everything, I have into him - that scares me to death. And then there's the whole issue of other people with him (even people I trust and care for) more than I am. And I can not even venture there without doubting this whole thing. I hate change. Not to mention the feeling of being too much and not enough all at once.

These days don't hold much change for Randy- not really. If the schedule holds, I can probably still manage all the regular requirements for at least minimal peace. He'll have clothes and food at the ready- and as litte clutter as I can manage. Maybe my inability to manage it all is at the center of why the doors haven't opened.

Well- this is disjointed at best- and reflects the turmoil that I just needed to put down on paper somehow. Days like today I wish I had family close by to help out- though I probably wouldn't let them anyway. Some days just the appearance of a back up is enough.

Some days.

In less than two weeks ...

I start a new venture. A new teaching job. I don't really know what that will entail yet ... but new is hard for me. Change unnerves me.

Today I am trusting Him that He is in control of the heart of the king ... and that He can bring peace. I need just a little peace and a lot less conflict to make this work. Am I hormonal- probably, but who knows anymore. Am I stressed? Without a doubt. Do I know how it's going to all get done. NO ... I will write it, I will speak it, I will hum it in my sleep- I am trusting that He who has begun this good work will be faithful to complete it.

When will she just lay down and go to sleep??

there's a little girl that I contend with often. she seldom sleeps. she pitches these amazingly silent fits in the night. i am always surprised when she returns - even if she's been gone for a few days.

we camped Friday night - and she didn't go with us. sounds other than deafening silence occupied my mind. river sounds. night sounds. randy sleeping deeply beside me. the words and laughter of friendship filled my sleep.

last night- she returned. reminding me that this journey is long. that the reprieve I asked for was granted but was just that and nothing more. i want peace with that little girl. i'm sure she does too.

The Rain

July 13th.




Today, the Oswald reading was familiar. It is one I have been forced to revisit many times over the last 10 months ... and one that has cost my soul mightily to practice. But as the rain falls, I am ever aware it seems that some of the dead places of my heart are being washed away by the healing rains of grace. The hurt isn't such that I can not tolerate the moment. The space and distance seems only reflected in the reality that it is there. And the hope of things being the same ever again has been replaced by the knowledge that God promises that whatever comes next will be better- even if I am not able to recognize it immediately.


THE PRICE OF VISION



"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw also the Lord." Isaiah 6:1

Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the "passing of the hero." Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died - I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? or - I saw the Lord?

My vision of God depends upon the state of my character. Character determines revelation. Before I can say "I saw also the Lord," there must be something corresponding to God in my character. Until I am born again and begin to see the Kingdom of God, I see along the line of my prejudices only; I need the surgical operation of external events and an internal purification.

It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. "In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee." Keep paying the price. Let God see that you are willing to live up to the vision.

While driving into town this morning ...

I had this thought ...

At what point do I become annoyed at serving my husband.

Because in all honesty- there are a million things I don't do well, but I serve well. I can hardly help myself. The words "what I can I do to help" are out of my mouth more quickly than anything else most days.

So why this morning was I so annoyed that Randy wanted me to go get my tires rotated. He's mentioned it several times. I had it on my mental 'to do list' and really, today wasn't a bad day to just get up and go. I had some want-to-do's but they a)didn't materialize as I thought they would and b)really were selfish in all honesty.

And it all centered around my motives.My agenda.

What was it that was driving this servant's heart?

And this morning- it was selfishness. Yesterday I felt like I'd been taken advantage of- and today I was going to do what I wanted to do. Period. Today I wanted to ride my bike, have coffee with a friend, work on lesson plans, do laundry and be home the entire day (except for riding my bike and coffee). But Randy's request meant I couldn't make all those things happen the way I wanted them to happen.

Fortunately, I was on the phone and he couldn't see me roll my eyes. Because quickly there was a check in my spirit reminding me that daily my call is to lay down my life and serve others. None of the things I wanted to do were bad or wrong. All of the things I wanted to do, needed to be done. But I really wanted them done in my order, my way ... partly because I knew if I didn't ride first, it would be too hot. Likewise I know that if I wait til later in the morning to get to Stevenson's then it takes hour-s instead of an hour. So- in order to do what he asked I abandoned the bike. I gave up another agenda item that I'll keep to myself and I went.

But I didn't go happily ... and in my, ummm, less than Christ-like state, the Lord really required me to examine my own heart. And it isn't really pretty. Most of the time I serve Randy out of obligation. I'm his wife. I'm his helpmeet. I'm to be submissive. The things he asks are things I feel like I have to do for him. And for a variety of not very nice reasons, I hate feeling like I'm being controlled or yanked around or taken advantage of or being coerced into ... (there are serious insecurity and control issues here. I recoginize that). So in the midst of my rebellious tantrum in my mind, I likewise had to look at when do I really want enjoy serving.

I love to serve my friends and just about any schmuck off the street. Period. I help people at the grocery store with their buggies, I pick up kids, I meet strangers to talk school stuff of all kinds, I make phone calls to bridge gaps of communication ... and those are literally all things I've done in the past 24 hours for other people. And I did them for what reason? Because they asked, I saw a need and I believed that I could meet the need and make their life easier. I believe it's what Bob Bell calls "Do Jesus to Someone Today" ... and I take it very seriously. I can quote scripture all day long, take someone to church, pray for them or about them whichever the case may be ... but if what I do doesn't match up to what I say and how we act in practical, everyday ways ... well, it's really pretty worthless.

And I really had to confess that the way i was acting and what I was saying didn't line up. What a terrible witness to anyone who saw my face this morning. I was twerked and they very likely knew it!

With that done, I again asked myself the question ...

Why serve?

-It shows practically the Love of Christ.

-If done well, it is a tangible portrait of the Fruits of the Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is

love,

joy,

peace,

longsuffering,

gentleness,

goodness,

faith,

meekness,

temperance:

against such there is no law.

-It makes me less ME focused and more outward focused.

Attitude adjusted ... now I'm off to deliver the socks, braces and practice jersey my son left in the car ... that I told him not to forget.

Longsuffering ...

practice makes perfect.

In my garden ...

there are 5 tomato plants.

Last year, I planted tomatoes.

This year, life was chaos ... chaos that started at the end of last summer and seemed to follow us right up to, well, now.

It was well into winter before I ever removed the dead in the water tomato plants from my raised gardens. On some really pretty, 50 degree winter day, I'm sure that pulled on my trusty gray sweatshirt and just started pulling things out and throwing them around. In truth- the wire we used to trellis them on was thrown by the garage and some of it is probably still there.

Sometime in early May stuff started growing. Just stuff. It wasn't until late in the month when some of the stuff that I took for weeds began to emerge as tomato plants.

Over time, those plants have started to bear real tomatoes.

A year ago, I planted some seeds. For a season I saw the fruits of my labor- in fact, we didn't purchase a single tomato last year- we had enough for ourselves, friends and some in the freezer. Finally, at the end of the season, I was so tired of contending with the things- I just let them go. I stopped watering them. Stopped pulling weeds. I didn't even look at them again, really look at them again, until the winter when they looked so far gone I just wanted them out of my sight. So that would be where the pulling out would have fit in to this picture.

As I was watering this morning the Lord spoke to my heart in this amazing way ... assuring me that the seeds that I'm planting in the lives around me are His to grow. And once the seed has been planted in good soil- no matter what comes along ... winds of trial, rain like tears, icy cold of a heart or the scorching heat of the battle ... if He chooses to grow it- it's going to grow and bear fruit.

There's joy in the lesson here- joy that these things are His to grow. But there's sorrow as well. The really amazing heirloom tomatoes- well, they aren't coming back. They are the ones I loved. Took the most time attending. Really worked hard to grow them strong and treasured them. But no- we have a TON of cherry tomatoes. They take a ton of work, take up a lot of room ... and I don't know quite how to handle them ... yet. That sure is similar to some of the seeds that I've been planting in my life lately.

The life lesson here-

There may be seeds that we sow that He doesn't allow to flourish- it's really out of our control.

All we can do is plant the seeds in obedience. And wait. And be thankful for the harvest in due season.