Saturday, April 30, 2011

What does twirling look like for you?

Today Lysa took us on a journey with her ... confessing her want to have her daddy tell her she was beautiful ... a sweet dress on a an 8 year old little girl ... twirling, hoping he would notice ... but never receiving that affirmation.

She spent an equal amount of time telling us about a time when Jesus spoke to her heart, showing her that she is part of His family ... and that it was time to stop twirling. It was a beautiful picture of how He sees our need- even if we do not.

I took away from the blessed Word which she gave us this question ... what does twirling look like for me? And I was shocked at how quickly Jesus brought images to my heart and mind.

Twirling for me takes on a variety of forms.

1) I twirled by being silent and staying out of the line of fire. That's how I maintained my status as the good girl. Quiet, out of the way, don't ask for anything, don't expect anything, don't need anything.

     In my life today, that looks like this ... I do not find it easy to say "I need ..." or "Would you ..." or "Could you ... " or anything else that might be an inconvenience or imposition. It's two-fold really ... I fear rejection for being needy, but more than that, I fear rejection for not being important enough to have my needs met. Oh, and then there's the fact that I really do not know what is a reasonable to ask from someone need ... and what is unreasonable. Safest to just not need.

2) I strived to be necessary. If I did things that needed done, then I was important in my family.If I was essential, then I wouldn't be discarded for something better. I became an expert at reading the situation as seeing needs. It meant my place in a relationship was secure. I became the care-taker because it gave me purpose and worth.

      In my life today, that looks like this ... I read situations better than the average Joe. I listen with both ears tuned not just to what is said, but what is not said. It is automatic to read my surroundings ... and I know people. I see the need- and I am responsive. I can not help myself. Many times I seem to be surrounded by people who are takers and not givers ... because I am uncomfortable with taking because it means that my necessity is in jeopardy. I often have friends that call when they need to talk, need help in some way but I am not the friend they call to hang out. Because I am service driven, I think that is because I approach life too seriously many times.

3) I tried to be a boy. There's a lot behind that statement but the truth is I was the best son my father ever had. I bound my chest as it started to grow. I wore jeans, sweats, boys shoes and a ball cap most of the time. I threw like a boy. Played football like a boy. Punched like a boy. Cussed like a boy. Dreamed of being a boy.

     In my life today, that looks like this ... I have much difficulty embracing anything feminine. I wear too many things that are gray ... and bare skin makes me uncomfortable. Not so long ago, my step-mother made this statement, "You know, your father always really wanted a son." And even though I knew that to be true may years ago ... it impacted my heart in ways I have yet to make peace with today.

Today ... I want to stop twirling. I want to realize deep in my heart that I am part of God's family ... and He loves me the way I am. Period.

I think I'll be thinking about twirling for a while ...

Friday, April 29, 2011

The ride ...

About a month ago, I went on a motorcycle ride with my husband. It was our anniversary ...

he loves to ride. I, well, not so much. I love that he enjoys it. And for that reason, it has become somewhat a traditon to ride on our anniversary. On this particular Sunday afternoon, the sun was warm, the breeze was cool ... and my man was ready. It had been since the fall that we'd ridden together. His face lit up when I offered. Clearly I was speaking his love language.

Because it had been a while since we'd been on a bike together, initially, I was a little uneasy. I found myself trying to see ahead, trying to sit upright in the curves, I didn't know exactly where my bottom fit into the seat of the bike ... or exactly where to place my hands to secure my place behind him. It had been too long and I was feeling out of sync with him.

At first, I was a little frustrated. It seemed he was going too fast for me.The ride was bumpy. This wasn't the experience I had wanted. But a few miles in I settled in behind him. I found a place where my knees could rest on his hips, keeping me steady. I began to move rhythmically as the bike leaned into the curves instead of fighting against them. My hands came to rest on his waist, allowing me to hang on when I felt myself waivering. Finally, it was as if we one ... not two individuals trying to gain position on the same path.

The Lord began to talk to me about my relationship with Randy ... how I often approach our life just like I was appoaching our Sunday afternoon ride. The Lord reminded me that I will find my rest if I will settle in and follow his lead. I realized there was much to be learned about how to love this man of mine as we ambled across Blount County. I have to learn to trust him in the curves ... if I don't, then it makes it harder for him to steer us. Could he make a mistake? Sure, but if he makes a mistake and I am trying to correct him from behind ... I'm no more secure than if I had simply taken hold of him with my whole being and leaned into the curve. If I don't hold tight to him on the bumpy sections, then it is far too easy for me to fly off and find myself separated from him. If I am behind him murmuring doubt into his ear, it is far less effective than if I am behind him and all he hears is the beating of my heart and the steadiness of my breath next to him.

None of those tasks are comfortable for me. They require that I place my body and soul in the hands of another ... and release control. I left that ride committed to doing a better job of loving him- and surrendering myself to him completely in ways I have not been brave enough to do in the past. In ways that speak clearly to his heart.

I realized in the same moment that as I listened to Jesus talk to me about my husband ... that I have just as much difficulty being vulnerable in the arms of my Heavenly Bridegroom ... and the same lessons applied. I have not yet mastered accepting the parallel of Jesus as Bridegroom. The Word says it so I will believe it ... I 'get' the symbolism involved. But surrender and leaning into the bumps and the curves of this walk ... they are areas in which I am pleading with the Father to help me settle into - right behind Him. Believing that He sees what is ahead ... and is vitally interested in my security.

Safe in His Arms ... it requires my surrender in both cases.


And I am ready.

Monday, April 25, 2011

It was raining ...


 when I headed to Frankfort that day. I wasn't sure why I felt the need to revisit these places ... but I did. I first headed to Central Ave.














This was the house where I grew up. I was brought home to a house on Armstrong Street but ... this is where I grew up. The tree in the front that you see, well my Grandpa Lucas planted that tree the spring we moved in ... it would be about 43 years of growth ... it's the tree that I learned to climb first- building confidence that I could climb to the top of the apple tree at Grandpa Smith's ... it's the tree I propped my bike against ... the tree that held a nest with eggs in it that I watched hatch ... the tree I was sitting by the last time my Grandpa Lucas brought me home ...

The window on the left, is the one I would sit at every night and wonder a million things ... it is the window from which I saw the Northern Lights when I was in the second grade ... it is the window that every night would transport me to the prairie, New York City, London, where ever the book that I was pouring myself into was set, that's where each night transported me to, unless reality became too loud ... it was also the window from which I saw my father stumble up the stairs a hundred times before I was 5 ... the window which gave me the first hint that it was time to climb into the closet ... the window where I would pull my knees up every single night and ask God to make it all stop ...

The porch where I would pretend that I was leaping out of a plane ... pretend that I was Evil Knievel and bust up my bike ... write my spelling words with gravel ... peek in the picture window to check out what was happening ... start out every Friday night on waiting for my dad to come- then I moved to the tree ... the porch where sat a through a million raindrops because they concealed so much ... and the placed where a thousand pick up games of tag, kick the can, hide and seek, basketball and baseball began ... the very location that I decided i would be a teacher someday ...and the place I taught myself how to ride my bike believing that those wheels would be the answer and take me far, far away ...

The door ... well those are memories I will keep to myself this time.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

It is a humbling experience ...

to know that He has spoken to you ...

even if others around you don't quite buy it.

Today, I heard the same scripture come out of my Pastor Scott's mouth

That I heard the Lord speak to my heart ...

if I hadn't written it down,

I might not have believed it myself.

But I did.

I said something yesterday

that I need to hold on to ...

for me.

I'm going to do this with or without

anyone standing with me.

The sermon was on feet ...

and mine have a road to travel.

I tried to wash feet ...

what He taught me was that rejection hurts.

Especially when you are not trusted by someone

you have proven yourself to over and over again

I am far far from perfect

He is perfect

But as I realized how often I have

refused to sit at His feet

and allow Him to wash me clean

sometimes out of fear

sometimes out of pride

I realized my faithfulness doesn't compare ...

and yet the hurt has run deep.

A hard lesson

in the pain that lack of faith

causes the heart of the Savior.

Friday, April 22, 2011

How Far Will You Go??



Jesus Calling, April 22 ... LISTEN TO ME CONTINUALLY, I have much to communicate with you, so many people and situations in need of prayer. I am training you to set your mind on me more and more tuning out distractions through the help of My Spirit.
                    Walk with me in holy trust, responding to my initiatives rather than trying to make things fit into your plans. I died to set you free, and that means freedom from compulsive planning. When your  mind spins with a multitude of thoughts you can not hear My Voice. A mind preoccupied with planning pays homage to the idol of control. Turn from the idol and back to Me.


John 8:36, Proverbs 19:21, John 10:27


God did an amazing thing for me last week.

He walked with me while I was running in circles ...

I want to share the wonder of that story with you,

but today I am compelled to share with you another story.

This story begins as I was traveling to Indiana last week ...

the journey was one of silence for many miles.

I found the beginning of conversation with Jesus that day

to be difficult.

Because He is so good ...

He began to share with me some of His thoughts.(Psalm 25:14)

and some things He wanted me to do.

Some made sense.

One

especially

did not.

What He told me to do ...

well, it was risky

knowing some things that I know.

I could deal with them though.

It was unconventional.

That I could deal with as well.

But then, instead of just agreeing

with Him

I began to ask questions.

Why do you want me to do this?

What will it accomplish?

What if I am mishearing you?

What if it doesn't work?

What if she doesn't understand?

What if ...

What if ....

And then a text came requesting prayer ...

and it was confirmed.

I agreed with Jesus to do it.

My trip was full of talking to Jesus

Yet this topic never resurfaced

that I can recall

until Monday ...

and the Lord spoke to my heart.

I tried to act quickly.

I sent a text.

He gives me specific words to speak

No response.

Doubt.

Rejection.

Fear.

Lord, Am I hearing you right? This isn't working out??


Yes, you are. Just wait.

More time passes.

Self-doubt really enters.

The enemy's voice is louder ... hissing at me.

You are a fool. Why would God ask you to do that? Right! He gave you a word for someone else? You expect anyone to buy that? Why is that more plausible than a Sixth Sense? 
What makes you qualified? You will drive them right out of your life.
You should think of others instead of thinking of yourself all the time.
You made this up in your head. And you think so and so is deceived!

OK Lord, I need to know.

More texts.

Confirmation ...

the words He spoke to my heart

almost a week earlier

spoken in a question

But then there was this

resistance

or lack of getting that I had something

important that needed to be done

and so I gave up.

In my pride

because I didn't have good answers

because I don't trust that I am hearing His Voice

because I trust the discernment of others

more than my own ability to hear

I back-pedaled.

Furiously ...

Emotionally ...

Spiritually ...

Trying to regain my footing

I had jumped out into something

I was unsure of ...

and found that the ground was shaky.


That was Tuesday.


Wednesday came and went

in a hurricane of emotion.

Doubt swirled

and the gale force of enemy's voice

whipped through my mind

sweeping away all confidence

that I could stand

Lord, I heard you.

I acted quickly.

I did what you said.

You confirmed.

I was turned away.

Why can't you give me

peace in the obedience??

I did it!

I did it joyfully!!!

I was excited!!!

I was determined!!!

Were you really?

I can't make this happen!!!

I can't force my way in!!!

I'm tired of trying

to share what You are doing

what you are teaching me

and there's this wall ...

I'm too slow getting to the point.

The details are too much.

It can't be very important

You aren't making this happen!!

Lord I am so weak

so easily hurt

so ... not a warrior for You.

vulnerable

susceptible

easily swayed

I fell asleep, sort of, on Wednesday night so full of all the things I am not ... so full of how I had failed as a friend, as a witness, as a mom, as a wife ... as a person. The steady stream of tears hit my pillow in silent waves with every recollection of failure, every time I had longed for someone to pursue me in my desperation and been left in my own pit ... knowing I deserved every single reminder.

When I woke yesterday morning, my head literally hung low as I grabbed my Bible- my devotion book and opened. I couldn't get past it the Condemnation followed me to school ... weak-minded ... that's me. Not yielding to Your Voice. Not even being sure ... even when I think I am sure.

LORD, I was sure!

And the voice came ...

Yes, you were sure.

Yes, you were obedient.

But were you determined?

WHAT Are you serious Lord? I tried!!

Really? A few texts? Are you serious?
You tried? How far are you willing to go
to do what I ask of you? How much are you
willing to give up? How much Amy? I asked you
to do something FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE
for someone I love ... for someone who loves you ...

LORD, I am not going to beg. She thinks I am weak.
Thinks I am vulnerable to the enemy. Thinks I am a
bossy oldest child.

She thinks she failed you. She thinks you are hiding
in your grave clothes. She talks to me about  you everyday. 
She is the gift I gave you when your heart cried out. I have
something she needs to hear and I trusted it to you to give to
her. I've asked you to do something ... and you have made this
about you. I need you to obey me.

Lord, I am not begging. I'm not going to look needy.
I am not going to be vulnerable. I am not! 


Child, you are needy. You are vulnerable to the enemy.
You are hiding. And you can be bossy. I need you to be determined!
Determined to do what I ask you to do. You asked me to help you recognize
my voice. Lean in and listen to me.

Ok Lord, I'm trying.

The morning was busy, gathering students for the last day of testing. As I enter Mrs. Ivens room to gather my student, she tells me that Mr Carter is going to sing for her class before testing begins. I really want to hear this. I decide to wait with the class for him to arrive ... in the wait, Pam reads a children's book to  her students ...

this is the 4th grade, so the question doesn't necessarily have to be on topic. This was not ... it was random. Well, maybe to the rest of the people in the room.

This boy asked a question about the very thing the Lord had asked me to do. The purpose, the history ...

Lord, I really try to be humble.

Don't mistake humble for timid.

Oh, Lord, I am weak!  I am timid.
I am so afraid of offending, losing, alienating ...

You are afraid of being alone, left out, abandoned
given up on, ridiculed ... not heard, not understood
...

Lord, Pete's going to sing. Can we finish this later.
I really thought I was doing the right thing. I really
thought ...

Shhh ... listen to the words ...

... Daddy, Daddy, what have we seen here today?
There's so much we don't, understand.
So I took them in my arms ...
and I said, dear children,

Watch the Lamb.

Watch the Lamb. I'm trying to watch Lord.
Oh Jesus ... I'm trying.

My sheep know my voice. When you hear Me- run.
When I send you-go. Stop thinking you are responsible
for the outcome. You are responsible for the journey. Take
each step as I tell you.

So what does it look like to
be determined??

Do what I ask you ... and then wait.
Ask for a time and then wait.
Send a book and then wait.
Send a text and then wait.
Make a petition and then wait.
Take each step and then wait.
If the way isn't clearly
defined ... wait on ME. Don't think
ahead of this day,
this action,
this request.
Your role has been crafted since the beginning of time
Take you your role.
Don't assume mine,
do not relenquish yours because you meet resistance or
question.
I will be your defender.
Your strength is in Me.
Obedience is what I have called you to ...
outcomes,
that is Holy Spirit business.

So I just do ... and you take care of the rest.

Yes.

And yes.

Have I just missed it this time?

No you haven't missed it. You needed to learn
this lesson. Now wait. The disciples fell asleep.
Wait with open eyes and an open heart.
Anticipate what is to come without manipulation.

Was this lesson for me or did you really want me to tell her?

Yes.















Monday, April 18, 2011

In the night

she sat with me in the dark.

There are just some things that are easier said in the dark. Even if you are in a place where shame, embarrassment and fear don't really exist.

The pain on the face that you love when the hard truth is spoken can just be too much to accept in full light.

But the test comes in the dark ...

listening for hours

through the silence

until enough words have been spoken

and the truth is discovered.

It takes time to find the truth sometimes.

Time that is precious.

Time that is invested in something greater

something greater than the immediate.

She crawled into bed next to me

and listened to my heart.

Then she pulled up the covers

and held my hand until I fell asleep.

I can't recall the last time

I felt like a little girl

and it was safe.

But it was.

He brought me to a place

where I could forgive.

She gave me a place to

try to make sense of it.

Knowing how important

words are to me.

Knowing the truth of the words

in Proverbs ...

A hope deferred

makes a heart sick ...

I needed to speak.

And in speaking

the walls began to tumble.

And His Spirit began to flow again.

My lungs filled with the breath

of hope from Heaven.



Thursday, April 7, 2011

Today ...

Today I find myself with little time. Wow ... surprise surprise. (In my best Gomer Pyle voice)

I've been to breakfast with a friend, shopped for shorts for my growing boy, picked up groceries, taken baseball gear to my growing but forgetful boy, picked up Bible Study info, gone to Co-op, and found all the tax forms I don't know how to use, but will somehow figure out how to fill out this weekend ... and now I have 30 minutes I am stealing from laundry and vacuuming.

In the past three days I have found myself squarely back in a mode of silence. Silence from those who want to know me, silence from prayer requests (you know the real ones that speak real needs), silence from my family ... and in that I am just silent in my spirit.

The Lord taught me a lesson a while ago about the difference between silence and quiet. And this has been silence 100%, I just thought that I'd learned the lesson better than this. It was sneaky ... the enemy is sneaky. He used words that others used as encouragement to make me thing I had to be better than I really was ... telling me that my witness was being tarnished by my inability to get over some things ... and for the resurfacing of some old struggles.

At life group last night, silence nearly choked the life right out of me.

I left not wanting to speak.

I picked up and then took the kids to get ice cream. I sent Jena home. I'm not sure she thought anything of it but I was avoiding her.

I went home, sooooo thankful Randy was in bed and asleep.

I lay my head down and told the Lord how frustrated I was and then fell asleep.

I woke at midnight to pray, check on a friend and then back to bed for more wonky dreams.

But I woke this morning with resolve. Not any sense of knowing how things were going to work out, but resolve to live a life full of more truth.

I don't know exactly how this all works in my very complex psyche ... but for whatever reason, I feel like if I outright ask for what I need, I will be denied. So, I try to lay needs out, sometimes just barely peeking out of the very corner of my heart ... and see if someone will look closely enough to pick up on it.

But this morning when Randy asked what life group was like last night instead of just giving the briefest of overviews, I told him the truth.

And because it was truth that was so clearly given by the Lord, for the first time in our married life, he received some things that I needed to say. And I believe he understood.

It was hard.  It meant standing up for myself in ways that I am not comfortable with under most circumstances. It meant telling him no. It meant saying no matter what you say, this is the truth. It meant exposing my heart in the midst of uncertainty. It meant being willing to move into the storm with both eyes open.

Funny, the picture I have of myself is like the description they give you when you do rescue swimming ... don't get too close to the person who is drowning because they will do whatever they have to to survive ... even take you under with them. But I recall the command you are supposed to give, "Calm down, I'm here to help. I'm here to rescue you." I remember Rat (what a name for a gym teacher) saying those words. And while I wasn't taking the Lord down with me ... I sure was flailing around and making the whole process more difficult.

It was the moment this morning when I surrendered ... arms high just waiting for the life preserver ... okay Lord. Secrecy isn't working ... it isn't protecting my heart ... it isn't making me secure. In fact it is doing the exact opposite!

So I put on truth ... and I pray that we are on a road that will lead to redemption. It is the most hope-filled I have felt in a long time.

I have anchored that hope in His Word and not on my works. 

No more flailing.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

What a week ...

I can't believe it's Tuesday ... and yet I can't believe it is only Tuesday.

Baseball game cancelled tonight, filled immediately with things that need to be done.

I can only suppose that there will someday be moments where I need things to fill the empty spaces. I know it will happen ... AJ is going away for a few days in two weeks ... and wants to travel to Nicaragua for a month this summer. And I find myself almost in a panic about how I will fill the days. I have long known that I do not do still well ... in truth, I do break-neck pace best of all. Every moment filled- every ... single ... one.

And yet God has called me to do something that requires that I find time to be alone with thoughts. Alone with my keyboard. Alone with Him.

And I do not like alone.

And, I don't really want Him to teach  me to like alone ... just so we're all clear on what I mean here. What I really want is direction at every moment. And for whatever reason, alone feels like there's no schedule to hold me up ...

busy, engaged, helping is where I feel most at ease.

It is how I gauge my worth.
Someone called me lazy recently and it sent my heart into a tailspin.
It sent me on a frenzy of doing to prove that it isn't true.

The last insult hurled my direction was manipulative.
That sent me on a tailspin of taking whatever anyone wanted to give- no requests,  no demands, take what is given and expect nothing else.

Before that insecure.
That has led me on an "I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you..." journey that has left me looking like I am 4 in many instances.

My behaviors are so dependent upon what I am being told by those around me ... it really doesn't even make good sense!!

I have so much to work on ... maybe that's why I don't want to be alone!