Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I Have Secrets ...

those were the words that made me lean in closer as Mimi told her story on Friday night.

You see, it's obvious that Mimi loves her girl and her girl loves Mimi. There's a glow that happens on a woman's face when she begins a story about a child she adores. The love radiates through the room and each and every person in earshot can't help but be drawn into it.

It was a story that I could hear over and over and never tire of ...

a little girl discovers what it means to feel conviction for little girl sins ... picking her nose, spitting in the shower (when there's no soap in her mouth) ... tears for an overwhelming feeling in the spirit that far exceeds the sins committed!

The mama tries to comfort and explain how this idea of works of forgiveness ... when the real truth comes out ... "Mama, I have secrets in my heart."



Oh my, I have had a secret or two in my heart! How 'bout you?

I've tried to share my secrets with others hoping that would relieve the pain.
I've tried to bury them under a wealth of masks- happiness, carefree, busy, soccer mom masks that covered the exterior.
I've tried to stuff them into a cheeseburger or a bag of chips and swallow each secret down with every bite.

Secrets in my heart that tell me if anyone knew, they couldn't possibly love me. And God couldn't possibly forgive.

Secrets in her heart isn't the end of Mimi's story though. Her precious girl went on to ask Jesus to live in her heart and wanted to be baptized. As this precious time approached this sweet one again went to her mama with a secret. "Mama, I know Jesus died for me. I know He loves me. But mama, I'm not sure I love Jesus."

Can you imagine searching for words to comfort your precious lone ... and this mama deferred to one who has gone before her. Her mama ... Mimi.

So as Mimi sat in the carpool line, she waited for Jesus to fill her mouth with just the right words. When that small body plopped in the backseat that day ... the answers began to unfold.

"Baby, do you have something you wanted to talk to Mimi about?"
"Yes, ma'am. Mimi, I'm not sure I love Jesus."
"Well, you know how when you were a baby and we all loved you and fed you and cared for all your needs? You didn't understand about love, but as you grew, you can to know love and you loved us back. Well, you are a baby in Jesus now. And He knows that. He's going to care for you and love you and meet all your needs."
"Mimi ... I got it. I just need to talk to Jesus more."

How many of us would say we have been in the same boat? If I were honest or would let you read the journals that I sometimes write only in my head because I'm afraid someone would know my secrets ... you would find that I have had the same question in the last year. THE SAME FEAR!!!

But as I have started talking to Him more, I really have come to love Him more.

And the part that I wasn't sure would ever happen for me has started to flicker ...

I think that maybe He really loves me too.

I know that may seem silly, but I struggle equally with that.

I know He died for me.

I know I love Him.

But how could He possibly love me after all that I have done?

And somehow, the more I talk to him about my secrets ... the more I find that He isn't going to leave me. He won't abandon me when things get too hard. He won't think less of me or decide that I'm just too much trouble. That forever place that I have been looking for my whole life ... the one I try to earn in at every turn ... well, He's it.

He takes my secrets and places them in Kingdom perspective. Covers them with His grace. Makes Beauty from Ashes. Restores the boundary walls. Whispers His love over me.

And He even considers me worthy of sharing His secrets according to Psalm 25:14 ...  the secret of the Lord is for those who fear Him ... 

Not only do I need to talk to Him more. I want to talk to Him more.