Who could use a little more power ...

The Promise

I can't wait to see what Scott has to say about the Holy Spirit! If you don't have a church family ... join us at Northstar Sunday!!! We're in the bubble right next to Brown Squirrel at the interesection of I-40 and Pellissippi Parkway

The summer that changed my boy ...

Today at lunch

I was quietly eating what is becoming my regular lunch ...

Pretzel Chips        peanut butter

 and

a bottle of water or Vitamin Water (orange please) ... I just find a place at the preschool table because they make me happy regardless of what the morning has held.

Another teacher ... one who way out dresses me(not a difficult task if you are over the age of 10), is my boss in many ways and intimidates the hound out of me if the truth is told ... approached me to ask several questions. I quickly tried to swallow ... took a drink ...

and promptly spit peanut butter pretzel all over her fancy clothes.

All I could do was say ... "I am so sorry."

I wanted to answer right. I wanted to answer quickly. I wanted to look like I had it together even though in some ways I was scrambling because I wasn't on my game today.

As I recounted this funny scene to some sweet friends tonight I realized I have really been doing the same thing for the past 3 weeks ...

frustration, anger, confusion, fear and anxiety have become common projectiles from my lips.

I could tell the reasons my focus is skewed .. and the reasons are valid.

But what I have seen is that my words have landed hard on those I love most.

My son found himself on the receiving end of panic and anxiety he had never seen.

My husband was left mopping up tears he didn't understand and I couldn't explain.

My friend was left in the whirlwind of my despair feeling bruised and helpless I am sure.

And those are the people I was trying to lean on ...

the ones who came to me for help found me

cynical, at best

and hypocritical if they looked very closely.

You see I know the right answers.

But I have long been a proponent of the worthlessness of words without actions to follow them.

How much good does it do for me to text one in the midst of the storm and say ...

"He has you in the palm of His hand."

If in my day to day life I don't live that out.

I don't think I have to be insincere

but I do think I have to do a better job of walking out an active faith.

Not one qualifier belongs on the end of the statement

"HE is faithful."
 

I find myself saying He is faithful ... but I don't understand.

He is good, but it doesn't feel good right now.

Instead ...

He is good ... and I can depend on Him in my confusion.

He is faithful ... and my circumstance is temporary. Even if it is unto death.

He has a plan ... and my plan can not compare.

He is my Father ... and when I feel despair it indicates a lack of trust on my part.

He is my Redeemer ... and when I look back at my sin instead of at His Blood, I am being prideful.

Sorry that I spit on you the past few weeks.

today

I will not consider how Calvin makes the gospel complicated.

I will not think on how his followers obsess over that which they (according to their own theology) can not control ... and have NO say in.

I will not have conversations in my head that I develop in hopes that those I care about will fully experience Jesus.

I will not be anxious over the fact that my son is being exposed to things that poke holes in the foundational beliefs that I have tried to instill.

I will trust that the Love of Jesus will cover that ...

and I will be still.

Because someone along the way asked ...



My life needs about 4 different Theme Songs right now ...

The most obnoxious but telling would be Crazy Train ... okay ... I don't know the lyrics and don't want to ... please don't send  me hate email because I mentioned it ...

but my life is a crazy train once school starts ... there are multiple trips between school and home most days ... church is 25 miles in the completely opposite direction ... my husband feels neglected ...  my house looks neglected ... I don't get to write and my emotions get bottle up ... and laundry begins to pile up. Thankfully I have carpooling friends who pick AJ up a couple of times a week or we wouldn't have underwear and socks by the end of the week.

because Crazy Train speed catches up with me quickly, and I am running on week 4 of it ... She's a Maniac is beginning to find itself on the Theme Song playlist. I find  myself running from my racing heart and mind ... in some ways it the month ... and the season. My heart peeks around the corners of my memory wondering "what if" and crying "if only" ... it isn't healthy, Christ-centered or productive. But my OCD kicks in and right now I have a current video running that I can't seem to locate the off button which is in control. For most people, I know that doesn't make any sense ... only focus on one thing, pray more, exercise more, don't think about it ... all seem like wonderful advice and solutions but unless the Lord sees fit to take it away again, I'm stuck. I know it wears on those around  me ... and I have blisters on my heart where the repetitive places continue to rub!

This morning ... I want to life out the Glory Revealed song Restore to Me ... for several months the Lord has been speaking to me about a few areas ... one is where will I invest my resources? Related to that is the reality that as I invest in too many places it just looks insincere and half-hearted. If I only listen with one ear to the person I am with and I continue to plan for the next place that I have to be ... I am not really investing in that person. I am a people pleaser who also has a strong sense of compassion and mercy. I really WANT to listen to everyone who needs an ear. And often the Lord puts me in places to listen. That I can do. But I can not go deeply into relationship with more than about 5 friends. And really ... 3 is my optimum number if I am going to feel at the end of the day I have invested in them the way Jesus wants us to invest. As I look at the friendships(Jonathan and David, Ruth and Naomi, Elizabeth and Mary, Paul and Timothy) that are recounted in scripture ... it isn't full of large groups. It is small, intimate groups that do life together. But I get caught up in being everywhere at once ... and being everything to everyone. This is a lesson I must not be learning because the Lord keeps visiting it upon my heart. I don't think most people see the value of doing life this way ... and honestly, I don't see  how it is practical in our world. This is something I'm talking to my friends, my students and  my family about on a fairly regular basis ... and I don't know the answers.

And then there is there is the song You Are Loved by Hope's Call ... and it is the Theme Song that I hide in my heart as the goal to wear completely ... You are loved with no conditions, you are loved with no remorse ... The Jesus Calling for today and tomorrow address just this idea ... yes, today's and tomorrow's ... I got the days confused. Today, it words are ones which speak of love and longing of the Father has for us. I hold out ... I hold out on my husband. I hold out of my family. I hold out on my friendships. I hold out on my God.

This morning he smiled as he came down the stairs and said, "I love it when you just allow yourself to relax in my arms" ... and while that should make me feel warm and secure. The truth is that in the moment, I panicked knowing that last night I was fragile, tired and needy ... I became vulnerable. We hadn't had a chance to hardly speak in days. I had some info I needed him to weigh in on. I had a couple of issues I just needed to say out loud to someone. I needed us to discuss an upcoming break. I didn't know how to compete with the TV- so I went onto upstairs determined to stay awake. When I came out of the shower he was there ... each item on my heart exposed. Apologetically I moved next to him and drifted off to sleep. And as he spoke so sweetly this morning, there was a heaviness in my chest that I don't understand. I needed him to hold me. And yet I need distance in the reality of the day.

I miss my family. There are times I need a mom. I need a dad. I need my sister. And yet, I so easily get sucked into the chaos of it that fear keeps me from reaching out.

Friendships are just complicated. Its the whole idea of investing, half-heartedness and security. And there are times that isolation just feels safe. I need Bible Study to start ...when I invest so heavily in my students and their families, I need to be certain I am placing myself in situations where I am being fed. At least it keeps me connected in real ways talking about important things.

Then there's the hold out on God ... Sunday Scott talked about the want to be a people on fire for God. I want so much to be that person. I want to get up out of my seat and run to the alter when the spirit moves and not linger wondering what others will think. I want to ignore the enemy's voice in my ear. I want to feed the spark instead of quenching it. Lord, make my feet quick to respond ... as my heart hears your voice!

I am reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. I am finding that my deepest crave is one that I have denied for many many years. As I seek to not hold out ... I pray that i can let the Lord speak to this area and fill me so full of Himself that I will not be afraid of this part of who God  made me to be. I think it is the key to finding a theme song that I can rest in daily!!

Hope



out of th overflow of he heart ...