Eyes of Love

Big South Fork 2010

He's teaching me ...

and some of the lessons have been a surprise.

You know what I mean ... there are things about ourselves we know

   I should always think twice before I speak, I should always think twice about the words I use when I'm angry, I should not text off the cuff because I 'misspeak", I should not be sarcastic because it almost always hurts someone, I should not let my hair get too long, I should not wear bubblegum pink, I shouldn't eat greasy foods late at night, ...


and then there are things that we have to come to know.

now that I have feelings that I let come to the surface, they are too quickly hurt, I have a terrible fear of being abandoned, I quickly assume the worst of most situations rather than the best, I don't believe I measure up, nor do I believe others believe that either, and I'm not invisible in my gray sweatshirt ...

these are things I've come to see as I have allowed the Lord to expose the dark places in my heart this past year. Things that as I've submitted to the Light of His Word have penetrated the deepest parts of my heart, showing a need for His Refining.

I've discovered that what I was seeing wasn't His reflection but the shadows of the past clouding my ability to move forward in what He's called me toward. And in the shadow is exactly how I felt sometimes ... like I was being chased my memories, nightmares, terrors, paranoia, stifling fear, doubt and unbelief.

I characterized my struggle in my prayer journal as just that 'running from the shadow' ...

yesterday as I was pouring through some pictures ...

I discovered something important ...

 where there's a shadow-

There has to be LIGHT.

Otherwise ... it's just darkness.

And that has been equally true this  year. As these things have come to the surface, the heat has been hot ... hot enough to create dross that the Father could skim off. Some days it seemed so hot that I thought I might crumble in the process. But just when I thought I'd had as much as I could take, the heat would turn up ... and then breakthrough. And comfort from His healing touch. Each time, weeks, days, hours or minutes would pass- and at just the moment that my heart was willing to agree with God's ... the rescue came.

Lord, please keep me teachable. I know how risky it is to ask that, but Lord, I really want to know you more ... I want very much to reflect Your heart ... and on my own, I simply can not accomplish that! And so I find myself in the most vulnerable of places ... and yet it the most safe place of all ...

funny I thought that vulnerable meant unsafe. And what it really means in Your hands is mailable. I considered soft as weak. What it means in Your hands is pliable.

What the world means for my bad, you create Your Good.
The depths of learning that keep pointing to the fact that Your thoughts are not my thoughts ...
and for the first time in my life, not knowing seems ok.

Winter Wonderland ... it did feel a bit like Narnia!

A Christmas Prayer

Oh Lord Jesus,

Please bless the ones I treasure most ... the ones gathered in this home and the ones I simply gather in my heart ...

thank you for those hearts that are connected through You ... because of that, we never seem further apart than a prayer uttered in the quiet of stolen moments.

Bless those I that are near. Would you please create a unity that can only be explained as You ...

and love on those I can not put my arms around.

Thank you for coming to earth and making the way for us to be with you forever ...

for being all we really need.

Today ... He said 'Yes, I will"

and from almost the very moment I hit the publish button and asked him to remind my heart ... He has done just that!

from moments with established, beloved, precious friends ...

to seeing His hand in conversations that need to happen ...

encounters at the mall with people who remind me that there is a hopelessness in those who don't know Him that my heart, regardless of the hurt, never even comes close to because I know Him- and He rescues me ...

a husband who forgot but didn't refuse ...

friends who will come unexpectedly ...

friends who care enough to stay ...

Sometimes He says Yes ...

One little boy

The first place AJ and I stopped on our marathon "look for Christmas gifts and find that they are no longer in stock" trip to Knox-vegas today was Lifeway.

The book we were looking for wasn't there ... so we browsed around, just poking around looking for that right gift. We didn't really find what we weren't really looking for- but what we did see  huddled down by the discounted Christmas items was a little boy, about 4, who was very carefully looking at the large nativity scene that was placed there. At first, he was just 'petting' the different pieces. Gently running his hands over the lamb, the manger, Mary and Joseph.

And then, a moment occurred. He so very tenderly picked up the baby Jesus. He must have a baby or two that live in his house because he knew exactly what to do. He placed his right hand carefully behind the head of the baby, formed a perfectly-sized crook in his left arm and seamlessly snuggled Jesus right into his little body.

It was a sacred moment.

 ... and then in that moment, the most precious, tender voice began to sing- in just the slightest whisper  ... Joy to a World da Lord has come ... Let earf, receif a King ... Let Heaven sing, Let Heaven Sing ... not hitting every note or word but exemplifying every sentiment of praise in that song.

Oh, there were words missing, but not the joy. He was not embarrassed or timid about singing. He wasn't worried about where his mama was or if he was getting a toy from kid section or that there were people watching him

He was with Jesus.

And he was captivated.

He is in love with Jesus.

As the day progressed ... we saw other little boys on our trek. Some just as cute and sweet ... many caught up in the moment and terrorizing the mother in tow.

It caused me to reflect on how do we approach Jesus? Do we approach him with a heart so totally in awe of Who He Is ... that we can not help but praise Him with joy? Regardless of the circumstance.

Or are we so enchanted by the call of the world that we flail around ... wanting what we want ... demanding to be the center of attention ... unappreciative of what we have because we are so focused on what we think we want ...

only to find that the only thing that will satisfy was wrapped in swaddling ... nestled in the crook of His earthly mother's arm ... with animals nearby ... over 2000 years ago ...

and today we can find him as close as our next breath, the next sunrise, the next sunset, the next touch of a child, the next embrace of a loved one, the next kindness of a friend or the next chaotic moment of our day when He is equally there and ready to envelop your very life.

Lord Jesus, You are so worthy of praise and honor. Every glimpse of You should reflect an opportunity to sing "Joy to da World" in our most child-like wonder! Jesus- over the next three days, before Christmas actually gets here, would you open my eyes to that child-like wonder. Remind my heart to be in awe of You.

For years ...

my blog title was Jeremiah 29:11.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And in days of deep depression, serious crisis, impending disaster - it was comforting to know that there was a plan. But I approached God as if He had a plan ... out there ... somewhere. But who knew where! And that's how I walked my walk ... as if  "some-day"... "some-where"... "some-thing"

and I treated it with as much hope as if it were a fairy tale where the knight in shining armor arrived with the promise of rescue. 

Then the Lord, through the encouragement of precious souls around me encouraged me to look more deeply into that passage ...

12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Again, this spoke intently to my heart. But still, it was that future tense ... the promise of God out there waiting ... words like "then ... you will ... I will ... i will be found" ... all in the future, later. And so I waited. I wasn't really stagnant exactly, I was moving, but it was more in circles ... not forward motion. And from the outside looking in, it probably appeared that I was making progress. But in truth - my heart looked like the cartoon from the 70's ... remember the one where the eyes and long forehead peer out over the wall ... almost as if hiding from what's coming. I was like a little kid- the one at the orphanage ... the one who sees all the other kids being chosen before him ... the kid hiding in the locker room, knowing she'll be chosen last, so hovering just long enough and circumstance makes you last, not choice ... the woman who comes in early or late every time so that everyone just fills in around her by default ... position dictated by fate not by choice. Hope is a distant dream and a fearful prospect.

But lately I find myself challenged to step up in the area of faith-

hope-

dreaming.

In sermons, readings, radio spots, Bible studies, Christmas Tea messages ...

I remember when AJ was learning to walk ... I would sit down on on my bottom two steps from Randy and AJ ... Randy's steady hands securely around his shaky little body. We practiced for what seemed like weeks. I would use my sweetest, most excited Mommy voice ... calling my precious baby boy to me.
"Come on sweet boy."
 "You can do it AJ"
" There's a big world out there waiting for you."

He was sooo excited ... sometimes his whole body would shake, legs jerking and arms flailing - excitement - trying to get to me. But for days, the event would end in tears of frustration. He wanted me ... but he didn't know how to move his feet. Because I was a new mom ... it would break my heart and bring me immeasurable joy all at once. That longing in his eyes and the frustration in his pitiful cry often caused me to reach out and guide him toward me without his having to be on his own at all- I would secure his little hands around my fingers and he would take the two steps to me and collapse into my arms.

Everyday, sometimes dozens of times a day we would repeat the routine.

I didn't hide around the corner waiting for AJ to come on his own. I didn't chastise him, ridicule his failed efforts ... and I never gave up on him. I love him. It never entered my mind to give up on him. My heart calls to him in ways I can not express with the words of this world ... and his heart hears.

In Matthew 7 The Message reads:
This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

That's what Jesus is doing for me. He's out there calling to me now. Not future tense, but now. He's calling me to come to Him, with Him ... Jesus is no longer the ominous figure waiting outside the city gates ... calling, faceless and obscure.


He's the familiar one standing just ahead of me me ... calling gently, "Come on ... you can do this thing."

If your picture of Jesus is like mine was, one where He's frustrated with you ... one where He's tiring of your failed efforts ... one where He chides you and demands ...

take sometime to remember those moments when you allowed a child to grasp your finger and you guided her in the steps, bridging the gap. And know that Jesus has you ... securely in his grasp.

Your body may be trembling with fear, your legs jerking not knowing exactly how to move forward, your arms flailing ... trying to grasp Him without moving forward.

You may be crying out in frustration and loneliness.

I've been there, even in the last week.

Ask Him to give you the strength to move your feet.

And if you can't move today,

Rest knowing that at your heart's cry He is there, waiting to sweep you up in His arms- just like that any loving parent would.  

Lord, thank you that you are the faithful, loving parent! Thank you for allowing me to be a mom so that I could have a glimpse of your Daddy heart for me.

The power of your name ...

It speaks volumes when someone calls your name ...

you know that feeling-

the one that catches your heart by its very core- the first time that little one you've held, nursed, cuddled and prayed over looks at you and knows "mama" ... and your life is forever changed

the one that settles in your heart when a dear friend sees you and there is a sense of relief that accompanies that familiar voice as it calls your name - whether with a knowing quiet or leaping joy ... it fills the empty space that has developed in your absence one from the other

the one that calls deeply as you lie next to your man and you don't know where he starts and you stop ... he whispers your name ... a sense of being known in a rare and treasured way strikes an urgent chord in your soul

Your name.
Their voice.
Power.

John 20:14-16
14When Jesus returned to the garden following His crucifixion, He spoke to Mary.
At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus. 15 He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”
Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”
16 Jesus said to her, “Mary.”
She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).

When Jesus spoke in vs. 14- it was His voice ... but when he called to her in vs 16 using her name ... she immediately knew who was speaking.

When Jesus spoke to Peter ... he called him by name. Three times Jesus asked him ...
Peter, do you love me?

15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. 18 Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” 19 Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”

As Jesus restored Peter, He called him by name.

In John 10:3 the Word tells us that the shepherd calls His sheep by name and his sheep know his voice.
 ³ The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. ⁴ When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. ⁵ But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.”

I don't know about you but the enemy often tries to convince me that his voice is the voice of my shepherd. And sometimes, I'm just dense enough to let him get away with it. But lately, I've noticed that when the enemy speaks to me, he doesn't use my name. He doesn't speak to who I am, but rather to what I am.

He calls me stupid. He calls me ugly. He calls me __________ ... you fill in the blank.  unworthy, unwanted, undereducated, unimpressive, unlovable, expendable, dispensible, disposible, fake, loser ... but never does he whisper amy, precious daughter, treasured one, child of the king ...
all the things that scripture tells me I am.

He shouts all that I've done. He proclaims all that I've been.

But my name is reserved for my shepherd,

My beloved.

As this year comes to a close and this new venture becomes more real- the calling more certain- I must learn to recognize the voice of my Father. The call of my shepherd.

Today ...

today I sat across from someone I've known my whole life ... someone I barely recognized ... someone I am proud to call my son.

Today, I sat across from a young man. There is hardly a glimmer of little boy left in him ... occassionally -when he first wakes up, when he's not feeling well, when he wants me to scratch his back, I catch the briefest glimpse of that little boy that used to find his refuge in the crook of my arm. But for all practical purposes ... he is a man.

I watched him hold the door for an older gentleman ... speak kindly to the woman serving us ... watch with concern as the young woman who lost an entire tray of dishes tried to pick them up - I really believe it was all he could do to hold himself back from going and helping her pick it all up.

I listened to him talk about his math final- and was reminded that I FORGOT to get his scientific calculator ... months ago. And he was afraid it was just too much to ask for me to purchase it ... this young man was far more concerned about me than he was himself.

I heard in his voice that he's found a friend. He wanted to ride home with another woman. Not a girlfriend. But someone he trusts ... someone he calls his second mama ... and while others might practice that regularly, he has never called anyone mama but me. Until now- and I couldn't be more pleased!

He is my God Story.
He is my joy.

Show me the way ...



It was a Wednesday that started rocky ...

    and it started that way because I hadn't slept well. You know the kind ... the kind where you utter under your morning breath, "I can not wait to get back into this bed tonight!"

And then, d you haul your butt outta bed, because school calls and life as we knew it homeschooling ... well it is no longer.

I managed to get through class pretty well ... as a matter of fact- it was a good class that day because my heart was occupied and He taught through me, instead of my trying to be smart and cleaver all on my own! But while I was teaching, He was talking to my heart about this matter of obedience. Obedience I was failing to exhibit. In truth, I really wasn't just not obeying- I was arguing with God. I didn't understand what it was He wanted me to do- and more than that, I didn't understand why!

Let's back track a few days- in the service the Sunday before, Pastor Scott talked about the enemy trying to rob Believers of their testimony. Those words rang in my ear, they rang so loudly because they rang true. I've had that experience. The experience of being a Believer who had been robbed of her testimony. The enemy speaks softly in my ear, reminding me of the mistakes I've made, the places I've fallen short in the eyes of others and honestly, the more I listen- the louder he gets. I thought about how important journaling has become in my own life over the past year. How my friend has encouraged this book I believe God has called me to write- even though I didn't know the topic or the timing or the anything about it! I thought about the power of words ... and the power that print seems to have on people when they read them. The reality that they either build up or the tear down ... there's no bigger lie than "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

The Lord began to show me that it would be harder to refute the testimony if it were written in black and white ... if there were witnesses to what had happened. The enemy couldn't distort it as easily. He couldn't twist it and make it something that it wasn't ... and he couldn't make it less than it was either. I could help people do that. I could help people put their testimony on paper. It was clear during the message
that
was
what
He
wanted
me
to
do.
And then I started home ... and the doubts began. Why me? I'm not qualified. I'm not even a member of that church. We've only been going for a few weeks. Why in the world would Pastor Scott want to hear what I have to say? And why would he trust me to do something so important ... that is if he thinks it's important at all. The only thing he knows about me is that ... well, nothing really. Nothing at all. The best things he knows about me is that I'm friends with the Hambys and the Dales. This is crazy.

Monday morning the Lord woke me early ... tell Pastor Scott.
Lord, I'm going to look like an idiot. I don't know him. He doesn't know me.
Just tell him. Tell him what I told you.
You've got to be joking? Really Lord?
I'm not doing it. This is crazy. Ok- I'll see if I can find his email address.

I make a call, do a web search. All staff except Scott.

Monday goes on like any other day. Nothing spectacular. But throughout the day I hear that voice ... the one I'm never sure is me or Him or someone else.

tell Pastor Scott.
I tried Lord. I couldn't find his email. I asked Jena.

Tuesday morning the Lord wakes me again ... early ... tell Pastor Scott.
Lord, it's only 2am ... I have got to sleep.
Do I have your attention? Tell Pastor Scott.
Lord, I don't know what to tell him. I just don't.
Email him just what I told you.
What? I told you I couldn't find his email.
You have the church email. Email it to the church email.
Lord, I just don't want to.

Restless sleep follows because in my heart the words "Tell Pastor Scott" keep running through my mind as I tossed and turned through the night.

Wednesday comes. Tired and distracted ... finally, in between classes I shoot off a disjointed email- full of errors ... I hate errors in emails.
      From: arajbrown1993@aol.com [mailto:arajbrown1993@aol.com]



Sent: Wednesday, November 17, 2010 10:44 AM


To: NorthStar Church


Subject: Chasing the Lions
Dear Pastor Scott,
My husband Randy, son AJ and I have been attending Northstar since mid-September. It has been a blessing to hear what the Lord has placed on your heart.
I have to confess that my email today is out of obedience. I'm not really even sure why I'm telling you what I'm going to share ... but the Lord placed it on my heart on the way home Sunday and hasn't let it rest. I continue to hear the theme of the enemy robbing us of our testimony ... it's been a theme or undertone in several studies and messages I've heard. For some months, the Lord has been talking to me personally about the importance of our testimony. We all have a history- it doesn't become a testimony until we note the place where His grace and mercy intesects with our chaos. It just occurred to me ... well, I feel like it was from the Lord, that writing down our testimony could be a very powerful tool in combatting insecurity. Really chronicling those times when we've chased the lions and faced our fears and chaos.
Again- I don't know what I'm offering really. I love to write and if there was an opportunity to help compile a list or written testimonies I'd really enjoy being a part of something like that. This may be completely out of the realm of where you are going ... we're not members, you don't really know us. We are good friends with the Dale's and the Hamby's.
This disjointed note is uncharacteristic for me, but I appreciate your taking the time to read it.
Blessings,
Amy Brown

release ... I've been obedient ... and I am released.

PAUSE THIS STORY RIGHT THERE.

And move to UT hospital. My friend Jena's at the hospital with a friend from church who is having a mastectomy. She's waiting for Sue to be moved to a room after being in recovery.

The following texts were exchanged ... word for word.

Jena Texts
12:52 Ok well thought they would have sue in a room by now. Will you pray. I just heard a family receive very bad news right behind me I was reading scripture from homework but the wrong book. I feel I'm supposed to give this scripture to this family, I just don't want to do the wrong thing.
12:54 It's a hrt racing moment
Me:
12:56 How can scripture be wrong ... was just praying b4 ur explanation that you would know what ur supposed to do or say ... my prayer word for word

Jena:
12:57 Ok I did it they were thankful I'm trembling from  head to toe
12:57 You must have text as I was walking over

Me:
12:58 Lion chaser!!!

Jena:
12:59 My heart was breaking as the STOOD receiving the most horrible news in a room of people!! How they were able to stand! I told them it was the verse I was reading as I heard the dr telling them the news and I would be praying for them.

Jena:
1:01 Romans 15:13 I was supposed to be in I Cor 15
1:03 I wish I had a Northstar card right now

Me:
1:04 U R a walking Northstar card my friend
1:04 we want know what Romans 15:13 is

Jena:
1:05 lol I was just about to complain that they told them that information without taking them to a private room if he had I couldn't have written that verse down

Me:
1:06 Wow

Jena:
1:07 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit

Me:
1:15 Just prayed thanking Him for His timing

Jena:
1:15 He is Good
1:16 Awesome
1:21 Ok I just got the most awesome blessing!!!
1:23 A hug! A kiss! a thank you from a very precious husband. I have been so blessed today!

Me:
1:24 ummm ... Cam's there?

Jena
1:34 No, I have to tell you my God Story


At 2:17 ... while Jena sat telling Karen and I the rest of her God Story ... about an evangelist who was hearing this tragic news about his beloved ... the son who received Jena's words and conveyed them to his father ... about the ministry this man serves at a church in Israel ... about how her obedience brought them comfort in the midst of this difficult news ... and her blessing from obedience ...

this email arrived from Scott:

Amy,


Thanks so much for your note. This is very encouraging. I wou7ld love for you to gather and compile God stories from our people! I think this could be a great tool for the kingdom! Let’s talk more about this Sunday if possible. Please come by and remind me of this after the service if possible.
Blessings,
Scott

And so a new journey begins ... a journey of God Stories. Of obedience. Of incredible blessing that has already flowed in such great supply that I can scarcely lay my head down at night because I am so excited about what Jesus is doing all around me ... and blessed that He's letting me be just a small  part of His big picture.

Lord Jesus, May every story that I ever tell be honoring to You. May it serve to strengthen those who read them, remind those who live them and bless those who receive them. Thank you for loving me enough to see my heart's greatest desire - and in your grace and mercy bringing me along to this place of radical love and abandon for You and Your Kingdom. Thank you that you rescued me for Your delight. Amen



 

Some God Stories

just require ... no demand ... more words than I have time or emotional fortitude now. But belong here ... on this day ... because my heart requires it.

This picture shows just what this dear friend has been to me ... someone who continually draws me toward the cleft in the rock ... who overflows with the spirit of the Lord so tangibly that, quite literally, the space she occupies is just not the same when she leaves ... there are multiple God stories. But the very truth of her friendship is one of transparency, accountability, stories, questions, answers, Bible drills, prayers, laughter, tears, security, a thousand texts, a million words, comfortable silence and a sense of just knowing we belong in this place- together-for such a time as this.

I asked her to lunch because the Lord told me to ... I believe in our friendship because He orchestrated it. There has never been a day when we had to 'try' to be friends or attempt to find something to talk about. She sees things in me that I don't see in myself ... and I know I see things in her that she can't see yet. And yet there is this sense that there is more to come ... and we're both secretly excited to see what it will become.

Today as I listened to a Beth Moore CD she talked about relationships that the Lord protects you from ... and how sometimes you can just "not click" with someone ... and it can be for your own good. I don't know about you, but I've experienced that.

This friendship would be the exact opposite of that ... I believe He gave me this relationship to protect me from myself. To stretch me beyond the comfort of my gray sweatshirt and my feelings of inadequacy. To help me accept being loved. To help me recognize my own need for being treated with care. To call my bluff when I said it didn't matter ... even when I thought it didn't. I really don't know how someone can make so much difference in not quite two years, but she has ... and it proves that pinkie promises are for real!

Joy

December 3, 2010

Abundance of Joy!!!!!

This is God's Picture Book to me!



December 2, 2010

This would be one of about 3 family shots we have. But as I recount the things that only God could do, this has to be among my top five. Randy nor I have a strong family background ... well, we have strong backgrounds- they just aren't about how to be normal (what is normal,, right?) parents and how to be have as husband and wife. So the fact that we've survived- and occassionally thrive is no minor miracle. We've seen our share of heartache, disappointment and disaster. But in the midst of it all, we are committed. Because He is God. 

State Line Campground, July, 2010

This matter of 'providence'

is an interesting topic. One in which we can find ourselves pondering over intently ... without direction on exactly what we want to accomplish ... or we can just wander aimlessly through days thinking our steps, decisions, condition, circumstances and past are all random acts having little or nothing to do one with the other.

But there have been a few times in my life when I have found that providence is the only explanation for the something good that came out of something so hard, becoming Romans 8:28 in my reality. And I just tell you- good is such a diluted word compared to what really came out of what was hard that it shows itself as an amazing God story.

I'm fixated on this God story idea because, well, I believe there is power in telling the things that He's done. The world is FULL-RUNNING OVER-INFATUATED with what the enemy is doing. He gets play time in the media all the time. And honestly, in my own life, there are seasons where I think my attitude, my conversations, my walk give the enemy far too much play time as well.

So in this advent season, I want to share some of the God stories. Because here's the deal- there are some big things that you have to believe that only God could do to really fully buy into the whole Christmas experience. A Virgin Birth? A baby is born 100% God, 100% man? Jesus is the Word made flesh? I have no idea where you get hung up in this God thing ... those three were not biggies to me. I remember drinking red kool-aid and eating little iced oatmeal cookies in 'Gramma Beale's Sunday School Class' when I was three and my world was crumbling around me ... and it never entered my mind to doubt those 'details' of God.

My hang ups have come in the details of me. Of my life. Of my sin. Of believing that He will really work all things together for my good. And so that's how I'm going to mark Advent. A personal journey through the evidences of God's great story in my life.

Since it's December 4th and I'm only just now getting started ... well, I'll have to catch up as I can ...

DECEMBER 1, 2010-
There have been few things that have rocked me to the very core the way that the Nov 27, 2007 post you'll have to sorta look for here ... the details are chronicled there ... but the heart of the story is this ... in 2004 - I miscarried. It was the hardest thing I'd ever faced at that time in my life. In this piece I tell of how hard Novembers can be ... but this November was different. The Lord gave me a new level of appreciation - knowing that there would be no AJ if there had not been a miscarriage. It is as simple and complicated as that. AJ is the perfect provision of a child for my life. God knew that. He had a plan. And the result is one that words can not capture, but that smirky grin melts my heart every time in meets my eyes ... and sometimes just as I catch a memory of it through the day.
                                                             ... providence ..

and mercy

to be continued ...

The Potter and the Clay

Make no mistake, there's never been a day in my life that I considered myself as the beautiful vessel. I've considered myself an adequate vessel for accomplishing some things in my life- the common vessel that's referred to in Romans 9- academic kinds of things, service kinds of things, productivity at work kinds of things. You get the picture.

So when people start using words like beauty.
Fearfully and wonderfully made.

I have two responses.

One is humor.
And I'm really good at it.

The other is shut down.
And I'm better at it than humor.

Did I mention that I'm sorta funny.

Last night at small group the devotion centered around Jeremiah 18 ... The Lord told Jeremiah:

Go down to the potter's house and will I give you my message. So I went down to the potter's house and i saw Him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands, so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.

Describing a moment during a retreat she had attended, Anita described a scene of the potter fashioning a beautiful vase, and just when the outward appearance seemed to be perfect, the potter took what he had created with his own hands and smashed it. Gasps echoed as the vase was seemingly destroyed and the potter began the process again. Taking the lump of clay, he patiently began creating it into the thing that he had purposed in his heart.

She reminded us that the potter had created something that looked good on the outside but the potter could see on the inside ... he could see the weak spots ... he could see the marred spots ... he could see the parts that had been compromised by the elements. Things that weren't evident to those looking on in a cursory way.

It was at that moment in her thoughts that I stopped breathing. That my heart caught in my chest. That my thoughts began to race more quickly than I was comfortable allowing.

You see, I forgot my Bible and notebook last night. Well, in reality, i just ran out of time to go back to my house after going into the crazy five o'clock traffic! But that meant that I didn't have those things that make me feel most secure. I love a good notebook ... with lots of pages to fill in ... with lots of lines to hold my frantic notes. You see, when I take notes it accomplishes two things ... I can disconnect- I hear, I write, I move on ... the faster I write, the more I write ... the less I ingest ... and consequently the less I digest.

 It's a little like spiritual bulimia.

There's the appearance of eating the meat.
I look like I'm taking it all in.
The reality is that I'm spiritually deficient in some ways.

And the Potter of my life knows that. He sees inside and knows where life has created weak spots. He knows where my circumstances have compromised the integrity of this vessel. He knows where the elements have worn on my soul.

Sin that has marred the condition of my heart.
My. own. sin.
The. sins. of. others.

Damaging in ways that need to be mended-

ironic isn't it?

the outcome of sin on the human soul seems to be the same whether one perpetrated it upon themselves or someone else did it

My sin requires confession.
The sin of another requires forgiveness.

Both require my participation- fully. Both require God's intervention- fully.

I'm trying to make peace today with the 'squashing' that's taking place. Trying to be thankful in the molding. Trying to see His hands since clearly according to Jeremiah, they never leave the clay behind.  
My eyes are having trouble focusing on the reality that He could ever make something useful or beautiful from this lump of clay.

Maybe it's the pink eye ...