A couple of years ago, there was a spot done on KLove about what it means to love someone ... the responses were so sweet, funny ... some downright make you laugh til you cry sorta answers from elementary age kids.
There was one by far that took my breath away though ... the little boy said, "if you love someone then it means their name is safe in your mouth."
Whoa ...
For someone who spent the better part of her childhood having people talk about me because of some issues with my family ... I know what it means for your name to not be safe. I knew my dad drank. I knew we were poor. I knew I was weird. I knew I didn't dress like everyone else. I KNEW ... and for the most part, honestly, I knew why.
Over the weekend, my sweet young man child had something on his heart ... I don't yet know what it is (and probably will never know) because he is a man with whom you can be sure your name is safe in his mouth. He obviously had an issue with a friend, but refused to give the details. He just wasn't going to throw his friend under the bus ... even to his mama.
As he and I talked around the issue yesterday, I realized that I have been angry recently because I discovered that my name isn't safe in a place that I once thought it was ... that someone in an effort to "understand" ... exposed some very personal struggles I am having ... and while I want to feel safe ... I don't.
I am the first to admit that in my toxic family, secrets were second nature. We didn't talk because, my oh my, the things that might have tumbled right on out if we had. There is a code of silence that is so unspoken when alocholism and abuse of any kind is present. And while I know that was an unhealthy level of secrecy, finding the balance of what is ok to tell and what isn't. Well, that's hard for me.
You can bet that if you tell me ... it isn't going anywhere. I'm not telling another friend, my husband ... anyone at all. I have learned over the years that not everyone feels that way ... that some people feel like they can tell your story and struggles with others ... and it seems to in some way validate them.
and my heart has started to retreat ...
and it has made me so sad.
It takes a lot for me to trust. A lot for me to open my mouth and actually say what I am thinking. At times, I have been known to nearly drown with my own words stuck in my throat. I have had friends say things like ... "just say it, don't stop and think about it" ... and I have come around to being able to say what I think more readily these days ...
but for me to actually say what I am feeling ... well ... there was the real test of trust. And to be exposed in that has nearly undone me. I haven't wanted to run so hard and so far in quite some time.
The honest truth is ... I never thought it would happen and it did. And now, I feel stupid and vulnerable to people I didn't choose to be vulnerable to ... and I am like a caged animal.
In general, people use what they know. I don't really understand that but they do. Sometimes, it serves as teachable moments for kids, points of light with spouses and just plain ole fodder for discussion among friends. But to the person behind the feeling, struggle or hurt ...
it is personal.
It's real.
I don't have a great Bibllical application except to say that it is safe with Jesus ... and it sounds so cliche' ... but I'm counting on it to be true.
