Pious Words

In the past few days I have been reminded of the importance of our words ... how they ought be significant ... how they ought not be pious ... how they ought be genuine ... how they ought be deliberate ... how they ought reflect in action what they sound like to the heart they land on ...

you know in all truth, I can live with someone who doesn't like me. Someone who doesn't value who I am. Someone who just doesn't get me.

but the times lately when the words someone spoke don't reflect what they say is in their heart ...

well, it is then that I get terribly hurt.

You see words mean a lot to me ...

and I count on them.

I am absolutely deliberate about what I say to people.

If I ever send you a letter, you can be sure I have spent hours pouring over what I will say ...
can I carry out what is in the words ... do my words reflect my intent ... rarely is an idle word spoken.

Last year I gave a letter in which I vowed to value the heart involved above my own.

I meant it.

I wrote Randy a letter at Christmas vowing to be better about trusting him.

I meant it.

I wrote letters at mother's day expressing my gratitude to those women I respect ...

I do.

Wavering  back and forth I can not even understand.

I love you, but I refuse to protect your heart.

seriously?

You are important to me ...

but I choose a variety of things before you.

it doesn't live up.

I can trust you ...

and yet you use the things you know hurt me to gain an advantage.

It just doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make me feel treasured.

It doesn't make me feel safe ...

and I think we ought be very careful about the words we speak.

It's become something of a joke ...

between a couple of my dearest friends and me ...



they see the dirt right before my eyes ... literally. I, on the other hand, am oblivious to it! It's funny because they live 500 miles apart ... have known me at different seasons of my life ... were both gifts from my Loving Heavenly Father who knew the need I had before I ever recognized it ... and both follow hard after Jesus ... and within moments of seeing me on most occassions will snatch the glasses right off my face, unable to stand the smudges and smears life has delivered to my lenses. You see, I am blind to the dirt right in front of my face.

I wish I were techno-savvy enough to deliver a picture of me at 18 months old with my bifocals tied to my head with a shoelace ... it's quite a picture. My vision was diagnosed at 200/20. I was watching Sesame Street with my legs pulled clear up under the TV stand ... my nose as close to the screen as it could be ... and my eyes were crossed so severely that you could hardly see the bright blue that has always been my best feature.



When I left the office the morning I received my 1st pair of pink glasses, my mom tells the story of my gasping and running wobble-legged toward the trees. I was in awe of the leaves ... life had been completely out of focus for me before that moment.



LEAFS!

In my world, leafs and trees were just one big blur ... even though I'd heard stories of 'leafs' and we'd looked at trees and my mama had said 'leaf' to me a hundred times ... I really had been without clarity and focus in what I was seeing.

The same is true when I look through my own dirty lenses today. I don't see the dirt. When I take my glasses off, my vision is too poor to notice the gunk that is obstructing my vision.

My husband said, "Why have you never gotten in the habit of cleaning them every morning and every night?"

I am embarrassed to say that the thought NEVER even occurred to me. You see, 42 years ago, all glasses were really glass-and fragile- and I was not allowed to rub ANYTHING over my lenses. They were expensive beyond belief ... and for my family- it was a huge investment every time I needed new ones. So I ignored the dirt! I just learned to live with it.

When my sweet friend chided me the other day about my glasses, I asked her, "Why don't you just tell me that it's there!?!" I admit, on that day, I was a little sensitive ... and it embarrassed me that she had to mention it again.

Her response was gentle, "Until I catch a glimpse in the light, I don't see it either."

The words landed right in the center of my heart.

As the past few weeks have unfolded and I have watched this precious season of confession unfold in the lives of some precious young people in my life, I realize how easily we come to the place where we ignore the dirt. We see it every day ... and yet we become immune to the effects of it. And sometimes, when the dirt stays in place long enough, we even become more comfortable with it than without it. Sometimes we even like it. Sometimes we hide it. Sometimes we flaunt it. Sometimes we wrap it in a pretty package. Sometimes we wrap it in an ugly package. Sometimes we try to throw it away. Sometimes we refuse to look at it. And sometimes we become fixated on it.

UNTIL THE LIGHT HITS IT

And my dirt is exposed. The dirt that was right in front of my face ... the dirt that I had been looking past. The dirt that I had successfully ignored.

Yesterday the same sweet sister that lovingly cleaned my glasses ... asked a question.

Will you ... or won't you??

It was just a curious question ... I think it was just conversation. In truth, I think she thought she knew the answer, but got a completely different one. But what it brought was confession. It was something I struggled with silently a year ago. Something that I have been tempted in lately. Something that would be insignificant to some. But in my life, could bring havoc to those around me. And I had been ignoring the pull of it in my heart because of a few hurts that have left me as wobbly-legged as I was as a toddler. I've been stumbling around in my heart ...

I was refusing to expose it to the light. Things were out of focus. Things were a blur.

But the Lord knew ... and used the obedience of one of His light-bearers to shine into my life. 

It took a friend to recognize the dirt first. I was just too blind to see it. I needed her to remind me to clean the lenses of my life.

And this morning I have spent some time doing just that.

The voice of Jesus is clearer today. And while the fragile feeling remains, I am at peace.

But reminded of the words of my husband, "why don't  you just get in the habit of cleaning your glasses every morning?"

I need to bring confession back as a CONSISTENT part of my prayer life. I need to be quick to spot the dirt because I am often exposing it to the light ...

My prayer for you today is the same prayer I have for myself ... that I would expose my own life to the Light of the Word. That if someone dear to me sees the dirt in my life, they will lovingly guide me toward the one who can clean it for me ... and that I would have the courage to do the same when I the Lord allows me to be so intimately involved in the lives around me. Afterall, if iron sharpens iron is true ... and love covers a multitude of sins in equal measure ... there is security in having others see the dirt in our lives. And we can be confident that it is His Glory they will see ... and not our depravity.

Thank you Lord Jesus for Your light-bearers. For the clarity and focus that becomes ours the minute we allow you to clean our lenses with your Living Water.

Across the Space

he lays just inches away.

the expected as the years have passed

18 last month

the prized moment of the week

Saturday morning

no call to rush

a moment to just be

quiet

still

drink in his silhouette

as morning light

seeps over the darkness

the memory

of his arms around me

beckons me closer

offering respit

from cares

carried through the week

time to lay aside

while we lay still

recalling one another

as my eyes

trace the lines

framing his forehead

wondering which burden

created the one buried

deeply in the center

guessing the knife of doubt

defined it's path

he begins to stir

I close my eyes

wondering

faithfully

his arms surround me

in spite of the weak

A few thoughts on being a mama

I've heard it said that becoming a mama means you have to risk having your heart walk around outside of your body ... and there is much truth in that.

As Mother's Day approaches this year, I am in awe of how I can love this man-child, who is more man than child anymore, so much that it hurts. Even knowing how painfully close the time is when I will be required to release him into the world- I am overwhelmed by the joy that swells within me as simply sits outside reading, takes the court or the field and stands next to me in worship lifting his deep voice to the Lord.

You see only days into his life I laid his little body in the rocking chair we loved most, kneeled beside him, placed my hands upon his little chest ... thanked the Lord with only sobs of gratitude ... and promised Jesus that if He would guard his heart from the years of stuff Randy and I had brought into our marriage ... that I would faithfully teach AJ to love Jesus and that I would never stand in the way of whatever He called AJ to do.

Well- AJ loves Jesus. He knows Him. He trusts Him. He believes He has a plan for his life- believes the Lord has a call on his life. 

This Mother's Day, I want to sit next to him. I want to brush his hair out of his face. I want scratch his back until he arches like a cat and puts his bottom lip out silently pleading "just a little more mama"! I want to hear him say "I love you" and smile that smile that melts my heart.

I want to walk into his room in the still of the morning, while he still rests peacefully ...

I want to kneel next to his long man body, place my hands on his chest and pray ...

Lord Jesus,

Thank you for the honor and privilege of being this boy's mama. Thank you for entrusting him to me. Thank you for choosing him for me. Thank you for every single time I heard my name called out first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Thank you for every single hug. Thank you for every game of "my bite" ... "the three mice" ... "right, wrongs and reasons" as we drove in the car. Thank you for belly laughs and cries that could be calmed by being in my arms. Thank you for early morning walks, lizards, blueberries and fishing in the cove. Thank you for a million baseballs hit, a million passes for a lay ups, free throws and 3 pointers. Thank you for the years that I could keep up and guard him ... and for the joy on his face the first time he beat me and knew I didn't let him. Thank you for letting me introduce him to You. Thank you for his ability to ask questions. Thank you for his love for family. Thank you that he needed me when I needed for him to ... and that now he is quite comfortable in his own skin. Thank you for every year that we homeschooled and the blessing of hours to enjoy being together. Thank you for being so sweet to us in this transition period and bringing friends around to make it easier. Thank  you for the years in the pop-up when we squeezed in tight and learned to enjoy the company of one another. Thank you for the trip to IL when he learned to ride his bike. Thank  you for the trips to the Liberty Bell and Mount Rushmore that helped him to see how blessed we are to be Americans. Thank you that he is tall, thin and handsome- and doesn't seem to know it. Thank you that he trusts my friend- it blesses me to know he has a safe place to turn to outside of our little family. Thank you that he is kind- one of the kindest boys I have ever known. Thank you that he is honest with me about how he feels ... good and bad. Thank you that he knows he is safe in my heart ... and his name is safe in my mouth. Thank you for every camping trip. Thank you for every dinner out. Thank you for his ability to think and perform academically. Thank you for every friend that fills the brother/sister gap I couldn't.  Thank you for each moment of being a mommy that has taught me more about being a daughter. Thank you that every time I realize that I love him more, than I am equally aware of how much more I can believe You love me ... and how the increase in my love for you because of being a mom. Thank you for his heart. Thank you for his passion for your people. Thank you for the passion he has for the lost. Thank you for his friends. Thank you for his teachers and mentors. Thank you for his daddy! And thank you for being his Daddy!

Thanks for my fella. I love him so.

Punishment or Provision

the Jonah study I am doing now has ... as always is the case ... caused me to look at my life differently at a the "problems" that present themselves in my life.

It started slowly ... looking into the lives of others and thinking ... how could this be like the Big Fish that God sent to rescue Jonah during his season of disobedience.

The first time it happened was last week ... as I was praying for a young friend in Indiana. My heart is burdened for her soul. She is struggling in her marriage ... struggles in her relationship with her father ... struggles to have close friendships ... and as I sat across from her two weeks ago, every mama fiber in my being wanted to make it all better for her. And on her behalf I was asking Jesus to please help her to feel more loved ... make her marriage better ... make her relationship with her dad better ...

and it was then that my heart was reminded of Jonah's provision. Perhaps ... just maybe, the lack that she felt ... the lack that is real ... maybe that lack would be the very thing that leads her on a path that finds her searching for the only thing that will really fill the God-sized void in her life.

All of a sudden, I stopped being mad at her dad for not loving her the way she needs him to ... I stopped wanting to choke her husband for not treasuring her the way she needs him to ... and I started being ... excited. Excited because I felt as if I had glimpsed into the possibility ...

I don't know how God will use this time in her life. I don't know that she will choose to allow Him to be Lord and Savior. But I see this trial as an opportunity for Jesus to come to her rescue ... and that is precisely what she has been looking for her whole life!

And then was faced with the reality that if I am going to look into the circumstances of others and see the opportunity for God to work in their circumstances, then, really, I have no choice but to allow God to work in the circumstances of my own life in equal measure. It was a truth that covered my heart like a warm blanket on a cold day ... and rest settled on my soul.

All of sudden, nothing had to make sense. Nothing required an explanation. The reality that in the midst of every kind of circumstance God can take the brokenness and use it to bring about good ... it didn't need an explanation. It became Truth. it wasn't something I was trying to convince my heart to buy into or believe .. I felt it.

Now, I wish that I could say that as the truth of it settled over me, I was changed without requiring confirmation. But the truth is, that until Scott spoke the words he did on Sunday morning and tears stung my eyes and spilled over ... I hadn't even fully allowed the truth to form into sentences my mind could construct ... but today in Jesus calling ... "living in dependence on Me, learning to appreciate the tough times" ... the word that swept over me was embrace ...

Oh Lord, embrace ... help me to embrace what you have for me!

Where have you mistakenly placed your hope??

Are you weary?
Are you worn out?
Are you tired?

Isaiah 40

28 Do you not know?


Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.


This weekend, I went to a women's conference.
Today on 3 separate occasions I have encountered women who are weary ... not including me.
Angela Thomas suggested 8 Biblical Remedies to weariness ... and I think they are worth repeating today!

1) His Presence Restores ... are you spending time in his presence?? Are you really taking time to not just talk but to listen ... and to just be? I returned home to a beautiful explination of what it means to "Be Still" ... the term means to be the kind of still as one readies for the stitches of a surgeon. Surrendeered to the action that is being performed ... In this season I am trying to be still ... surrendering to the mending of my broken heart.

2) There is the Divine Wait ... That period of idle before refreshment that He promises comes. Letting the hard of your circumstance just be ... not struggling against it, but leaning into it.

3) Sabbath Rest ... Are you taking time to rest from what you do as your work? You must take time to replenish your soul! It may not happen on Sunday ... what day will you take your Sabbath??

4) You can not meet every need ... Jesus was not every where ... he did not heal every one ... He only did what the Father commanded. Listen to what He asking you to do ... and He isn't asking you to do more than He asked Jesus to do!

5) Jesus physically rested. You need to rest!

6)Repentance leads to refreshemnt ... Is there sin that needs confessing. It takes precious energy to remain in sin. If there's something you need to get right between you and the Lord ... do it.

7) Live the Good Life ... do good things ... do right things ...

8) Godly friendships restore your soul. Spend time with people who are rest for your soul!! Be sure you are nurturing a few relationships that are safe, secure, treasured ... and when you find yourself weary and depleted ... stand on your head to get to your friend who is rest for your soul!! Don't isolate yourself ... it gives the enemy too much room to work!

So what will you do with your weary today.