Isaiah 54:4

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth ...

 

a million pieces

Thankful He's kept a million promises ...

Last Night I Needed

and I get caught up there.

I know I needed

but what was it?

I did know that when he came in the door and was dissatisfied with the meal that had come from the microwave because we are on day 14 without any stove top or oven ... I did not need that look.

The one that says, "I know I told you it would be okay no matter what you fixed but you and I both knew it was a lie."

I know that when my request was denied I did not handle rejection with grace.

I know that when I sat down to work on yet one more approach to study skills I felt my work the 4 days prior had been in vain.

I know that I trapped myself in the laundry room and folded clothes in silence and dark to just stay out of the line of fire.

I know I pretended not to hear when he called because I didn't have the energy to deal with whatever the request.

I know that when I lay my head down on the pillow it was so heavy ...

and then I heard the words ...

I know that you are for me ...

I know that you are for me ...

I know that you will never ...

forsake me in my weaknesses ...

Today, I needed

because I am weak.

a.n.d.

What I needed was Jesus.

Marisa's Blog spoke volumes yesterday ... in places I have pondered and deliberated for several months now. It made me look at the hidden places ... the hidden motives ... and the truth behind why I call myself a Christian.

I can't do her words justice - so go read them for yourself. But I can say this ... when you read it, allow the Holy Spirit to speak softly to the places He wants to clean up and redeem that you are trying to hold on to ... I am thoroughly convinced that what we allow people to see is important to our witness, but it is the thing that we keep hidden so deeply we hope no one will ever see that is the most important when consider our intimate relationship with our Father.

I pray your day is blessed beyond what you could ever imagine!

In the still of the night ...

when His song has swept over me in the day so powerfully ...

the enemy felt the need to coerce another into trying to steal joy.

He will not win.

He feeds lies and spins tales that are simply not true.

He uses one who is weaker ...

one who hears his seething voice ...

and ignorantly heeds it.

The voice that speaks is not the one I should listen to ...

but inevitably, for a time, I do ...

I begin to doubt Truth ...

•I am loved 1John 3:3

•I am accepted Ephesians 1:6

•I am a child of God John 1:12

•I am Jesus' friend John 15:14

•I am a joint heir with Jesus, sharing His inheritance with Him Romans 8:17

•I am united with God and one spirit with Him 1Corinthians 6:17

•I am a temple of God. His spirit and his life live in me 1 Corinthians 6:19

•I am a member of Christ's body. 1 Corinthians 12:27

•I am a Saint Ephesians 1:1

•I am redeemed and forgiven Colossians 1:14

•I am complete in Jesus Christ Colossians 2:10

•I am free from condemnation Romans 8:1

•I am a new creation because I am in Christ 2Corinthians 5:17

•I am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved Colossians 3:12

•I am established, anointed, and sealed by God 2Corinthians 1:21

•I do not have a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind 2Timothy 1:7

•I am God's co-worker 2Corinthians 6:1

•I am seated in heavenly places with Christ Eph 2:6

•I have direct access to God Ephesians 2:18

•I am chosen to bear fruit John 15:16

•I am one of God's living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house 1 Peter 2:5

•I have been given exceedingly great and precious promises by God by which I share His nature 2 Peter 1:4

•I can always know the presence of God because He never leaves me Hebrews 13:5

•God works in me to help me do the things He wants me to do Philippians 2:13

•I can ask God for wisdom and He will give me what I need James 1:5

It doesn't matter what the earthly evidence says.

The Word says this ...

I trust my eternity in this ...

I can trust my today in this.

I will spend time tonight letting the gentle breeze of His Truth

whisper away the lies that ring so loudly with reality that they seem true.

His song is louder in its gentleness ...

it never fails.

and maybe this too ....

Zephaniah 3:17 ... for today ...

More than a teacher ...

an advocate
one who stands in the gap


THE GATEWAY TO THE KINGDOM

"Blessed are the poor in spirit." Matthew 5:3

Beware of placing Our Lord as a Teacher first. If Jesus Christ is a Teacher only, then all He can do is to tantalize me by erecting a standard I can not attain. What is the use of presenting me with an ideal I cannot possibly come near? I am happier without knowing it. What is the good of telling me to be what I never can be - to be pure in heart, to do more than my duty, to be perfectly devoted to God? I must know Jesus Christ as Saviour before His teaching has any meaning for me other than that of an ideal which leads to despair. But when I am born again of the Spirit of God, I know that Jesus Christ did not come to teach only: He came to make me what He teaches I should be. The Redemption means that Jesus Christ can put into any man the disposition that ruled His own life, and all the standards God gives are based on that disposition.

The teaching of the Sermon on the Mount produces despair in the natural man - the very thing Jesus means it to do. As long as we have a self-righteous, conceited notion that we can carry out Our Lord's teaching, God will allow us to go on until we break our ignorance over some obstacle, then we are willing to come to Him as paupers and receive from Him. "Blessed are the paupers in spirit," that is the first principle in the Kingdom of God. The bedrock in Jesus Christ's kingdom is poverty, not possession; not decisions for Jesus Christ, but a sense of absolute futility - I cannot begin to do it. Then Jesus says - Blessed are you. That is the entrance, and it does take us a long while to believe we are poor! The knowledge of our own poverty brings us to the moral frontier where Jesus Christ works.

OH Lord, help me to not set the standards for my students so high that they feel hopeless in attaining the goal ... help me be Christ-like in how I teach! Teach me to be what I ought to be ... so that I might be in the world what you have called me to be!

Lord, I need direction ...

School starts in a few days ... just a few days ... I thought I would be somewhere else ... I thought that the stacks of stories in my mind would be flowing onto pages ... and yet I find myself ...

stuck.

Daydreaming ...

night dreaming ...

walking through moments without direction.

Wanting to know ...

which way do I go??

Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

Can you help me to hear you Lord??

A seed long ago planted ...

today I went by the school for a short meeting ...

then I came home and started to get AJ's room ready to paint, redecorate and rearrange ... a whole downstairs wing will be his ... he is turning 16 this year after all ...

Today, I missed him more than I have missed him since the first 2 days he was gone. Today, I crumbled and said things like "I've lost the whole summer with him ... I regret all the days I have wasted doing nothing ... homeschooling allowed us more time ... "

I have a bad habit ... when I hit a wall that I don't know how to climb, my first reaction is to run from the Lord. It just is. I'm not proud of it. I wouldn't have even admitted it a year ago ... but the reality is ... I run. Today, I felt the spiral start. I FELT IT. So I sent a desperate text ...

"My praise music is on. I want to do this better. I want to do this different. I want to run to Him not away from Him. Where do I go from here?"

I asked the Lord, "Is he in the right place? Did we do the right thing?"

I kept cleaning ... kept moving ... found box after box ... when  came to a cardboard box I wondered if it was a keeper or could be tossed ... inside I found this note ...

What does it mean go in the whole world?



This seed was planted long ago ... in the heart of a much younger AJ ...

answered prayer ...

I'm still ready for him to be home but I am at peace.

Oh I want to be better ...

This post struck me between the eyes ... because Friday ... well, I ran squarely into an attack of the enemy ... it came in the layout of a house that had ghosts waiting for me around every single corner

as each minute of the visit stretched out before me, the little girl in me grew more and more restless ...

I saw my dad pounding on the front door begging to be let in ... I saw my mom screaming to leave us alone ... I saw my sister huddled on her bed rocking back and forth- that feathery white-blond hair of hers pushed down over her face ... I saw me looking out the window from the top bunk ... as he falls of the front porch and stumbles back up the steps over and over ...

I saw my uncle standing at the door waiting for us ... and my mother shuffle us out the door to him. Again.

I saw myself hiding in the closet ... praying no one would come looking.

I saw my baseball bat slipped between my bed and my mattress ... they thought I just loved the game.

I saw myself sitting on top of the dryer with it running ... it would muffle the yelling coming from the bedroom.

I saw my sister on top of the fridge ... trying to hide ... trying to be as invisible as she possibly could.

the door, the picture window in the front, the tree that sat outside the window, the kitchen, the bathroom, every.single.bedroom. held a memory  ...

and the layout was identical.

As would be the tradition, I tried to escape to a book ... the new Francine Rivers book ... A Daughter's Dream ...

I've been waiting for the moment when I could escape to a story! This is it! I need an escape, a way out of this inundation of memories.

But no. What I find very shortly into the book are words that read like a biography.

And my heart begins to spiral

my mind reels in confusion

thoughts race

and the enemy chases me

IN MY SILENCE ...

All I really had to do that night was turn on the light

literally, I was trapped in the bed, afraid to move

afraid of the dark

afraid of the monsters

afraid of what my adult mind knew was not there

afraid of what made the little girl inside tremble

shake ... sweat ... silent ... motionless

Just turn the light on ...

call down the hall to the woman who has loved me the better part of 30 years ...

call of the phone the woman who loves me like she's known me for 30 years ...

call the man who doesn't get it but would have listened anyway

but instead I opted for the slippery slope of the dark ...

it wasn't until the morning started to dawn

that I was able to lay my heart to rest for a few hours

and it was another two days before my heart began to rest

my Ipod played

my heart prayed

and I began to expose my dark places to the light ...

Oh Lord, help me to remain in the light so that I'm not so susceptible to the dark!!!

just because I can't sleep

Jonah

I'm away from home this week ... I usually travel with a few studies I've completed or that I am working on ... this time, for whatever reason, I did not. I came with a new book I am AFRAID TO OPEN, I came with my Message Bible, my Jesus Calling, the study "When Women Say Yes to God" ... and so far, I've just spent time in the Word and Jesus Calling ... and lots of talking about the Lord and His Word. This morning doesn't require a really early start and the Lord led me back to Jonah ... the last study I did. I hate getting a little older ... I used to have this amazing ability to recall what I have read ... I used to be able to take someone I speaking to back to what I read that spawned a particular thought ... and I hate beyond hate wondering if something that I've got as a thought is really a new thought or something that I read months earlier that has finally (as I used to so hatefully say to others) struck brain ... and I it's taken root in my heart. Nonetheless this morning as I started in Jonah I realized that the when the storm got all cranked up, they went to Jonah ... I remember when I did the study originally thinking, I wonder why Jonah told them who he was, what he did, where he was from ... if he was RUNNING??

I realized today in verse 6 ... the captain of the ship recognized that in the storm, he wanted Jonah praying to HIS GOD ... which at first glance, runs me right straight toward my question above ... WHY did Jonah brag about being a prophet?? But then I get down to verse 8 ... after the casting of lots ... the men want to know about Jonah ... what do you do? where are you from? what country are you from? who are your people?

Hold on ... how did the captain know?? If Jonah didn't tell them, how did they know?

Then I read on ... in verse 12 Jonah tells the men to throw him overboard but in verse 13 we see that is not the response of the men on the ship ...

they attempt with all they have to row back to shore.

REALLY??

They weren't Jonah friends? They hadn't known him long? Why didn't they just throw him overboard??

Okay ... maybe they knew he was a man of God now ... maybe it was fear of retribution ... but when Jonah himself encouraged them to dump him overboard, he'd sorta given them an out with God ...

I'm taken back to the fact the captain KNEW ...

and though we don't know for sure, what we do know is scripture tells us

Matt 7:16
By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?

Gal 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Somewhere along the line, without saying who he is, what he does, where he's from, what his lineage is or who his God is ... Jonah had the mark of God on his life and people saw it!!

I have to wonder about myself ... I'm quick to say where I go to church, where I work, where my son goes to school, what I'm reading ... if I couldn't speak for a month like my sweet sister in Nicaragua ... would they know me by my fruits or is it simply because of what I say??

Lord let me be mindful of my actions today!!

Completely To You ...

This was the last time I put eyes on my boy. On July 2, 2011 ... I put my son on a plane to Nicaragua. I know I mentioned that before ... but you gotta know how hard this was for me. AJ had never been on a plane. He'd never been away for more than 10 days.

And I put him on a plane to another country.

And my heart knew it was the right thing.



We heard that he had arrived. Excitement in his voice. He was on Facebook that night ... and then nothing from him. Reports of what a good job he was doing surfaced. Given his testimony 2 times. Lead someone to the Lord during a door to door evangelism opportunity ...

no word.

And the enemy began to creep in ... reminding me of all the failures. All the ways in which I haven't done the right things. The struggles we have faced as a family ... discovery of siblings he didn't know existed ... parents who don't always know how to love each other the way we are supposed to ... the knowledge of abuse to his mama that nearly broke his  heart ... broken friendships which severed relationships that he thought were secure ... authorities who he thought cared and it surfaced when the chips were down that they really didn't ...

real life has left us battered and bruised in the past three years. He's been admittedly angry with God. He's been distant. He's been resistant to his quiet time. He's been ... distracted.

I prayed. I confessed.

But fear in the deepest parts of my heart crept in.

"OH Lord, I surrendered to the call to the ministry too. And I failed to follow You. Life happened. I messed up ... wow ... messed up doesn't even cover it does it? Please don't let him walk away from You. Please don't let my sin be repeated in AJ!!"

You see as a Jr in college, during a Baptist Student Union event ... I walked an aisle ... I surrendered to the call ... I said I would go ... I  promised to follow ...

And my life fell apart. I walked away from God and squarely into the hands of the enemy ... it cost me in ways I will never put in print ... and the hurt is deeper than words can reach.

When AJ decided to go- the battle increased. He wasn't sure. I wasn't sure. God kept providing ... time after time ... after time.

The week before he was to leave I said to a dear friend ... with every step he takes toward Nicaragua, he's breaking apart the generational sin we have struggled with in our families for years. YEARS ...

but in the silence ... the enemy lied to me. Ugly, hurtful ... fear-filled lies.

And then came this note ...

Hey mom Mrs Melissa told me that you wanted me to message you! i just wanted to tell you that i love you and its awesome here I'm having a great time just bein in the Lord and seein his work here. you wouldnt believe the difference in church here and church in the US. Its so much more powerful and full of the holy spirit! I love you!:) be prayin for me! i'll see you soon!

It was like the chains fell ... I could almost hear the clattering of each and every link as they hit the ground around me ...

We are half way through this amazing journey.

Today another report came about that he's building a school ...

building ... his daddy is a builder

a school ... his mama is a teacher

what a beautiful picture of God taking 2 broken people and fashioning a tool that will forever be useful in His Kingdom.

I have never been prouder of anyone in my life ... I know we aren't to live 'through' our children ... in this case, I hope an exception can be made!

But what is more important, I have never felt more loved by Jesus. He has taken the pleas of a mama who knew she'd been given a gift that she didn't deserve ... and He faithfully, lovingly gave her the desires of her heart ...

even the ones that she didn't have words for ...

especially the ones she had no reason to hope could ever be.

So what Can I say ... What could I do?? But offer this heart oh God ... completely to You ...

bucket list i didn't realize i had ...

The Next Very Important Thing ...

So there he is ... last Saturday morning ... about to take off for 23 days.

I can't get to the rest of the pix ... the card didn't read ... the transfer of the other pictures didn't work yesterday ... and because I was working with someone else's computer while they weren't there, I was hustling through and didn't even stop to look at the pictures I had taken ... 

I can't believe I didn't even stop yesterday to look through them.

As I drove to Gatlinburg this morning praying for AJ and wishing I'd just lingered for a moment to look at the few shots of this boy I realized how much yesterday is a picture of how go through most of my life-

how many times had I done the very same thing already at 8am this morning ... I did something quick, with the intent to go back and do it with more passion, completion, depth later on ... and yet, because of a glitch, later on will have to wait.

I did my quiet time before I left. But by the time Jena asked me if I'd read it, I couldn't tell you one single thing that was in the reading. Not one. I even said to myself, I'll re-read that later. When I get back. I'm supposed to be in Gatlinburg @9am. Must get to the next, more fulfilling very important thing on my list.

I listened with such intensity to my husband that I had to leave myself a message on my phone to remind myself to call him and ask what he needed. I needed to get on with the next very important thing on my list.

I texted a friend who is searching and lonely because I promised I would, but confess it was obligatory. Hey, just checking in!! How's your heart? Hmm ... no response (and no fancy smart phone to know if she's seen it or not) ... she's probably still sleeping. Okay ... I need to move on to my next very important thing on my list. She didn't respond until well into the afternoon. It had been a terrible day for her. She's not a believer and trying to figure it all out. She'd waited to text back when she 'had it all together this afternoon' ... wow ... good thing for me because I needed to move on to the next very important thing on my list this morning.

I texted another friend who to check on a situation in her family. Again, no response. Moving right along to the next very important thing on my list.

Oh ... a young woman I used to go to church with asked if I'd take her Sr. Pictures ... text ... no response.

And I arrive at the childhood home of my college roommate. WE have the ability to pick up and start conversation right where we left off ... as if time hasn't passed and we still know each other. It's uncanny really considering today is the most time we've spent with each other in 22-23 years. Seriously. Life has happened on each end ... good and bad, easy and hard. Right now, some of the hard is showing through the smile on her sweet face.

And I caught myself as we moved from topic to topic, memory to memory realizing I was doing it there too ...

moving on the the next very important thing.

I have forgotten the beauty of the conversation complete, the smile connected, the voice heard, the plea answered, the promise kept ... and the hurt acknowledged. I have forgotten that all that the next very important thing on my list offers is a moment of new and novel ... I've come to value that more than I value the intimacy of the moment. The moment of significance. The moment of conveying that who I am with is so much more important than the what's coming next. I treat my to do list as that which can fulfill ... building my own ego with all the lives I've touched ... when the only real evidence of touching their lives are the fingerprints I've left on the well-worn keypad of my phone ... I've saved the rest for myself. Time to shop. Time to lay on my couch the past couple of days and feel sorry for myself. Time to ride my bike because it was what I wanted.

And so I backed up ... I stopped asking questions that lead us down new paths. I retraced the steps of the conversations that caused her to gaze out the window instead of casting her sparkly eyes my way ... I took more time to listen than to talk. I stopped thinking about AJ and how much I miss him. I stopped wondering how I was going to get the other pictures. I stopped thinking about what I was going to do when I left ... and what had to be done when I returned home.

And I started thinking about why God had allowed this divine moment in time to happen ... why she'd called me when she has 20 years of other friends to call upon ... and then I just started listening ... with my heart and my ears to her heart ... and all of a sudden ... there wasn't a next very important thing that had to be done ...

there was just this moment. And it was fleeting. But I believe it meant something to her that I took the time to drive an hour and half to listen for two hours ... to then drive an hour and a half back home ... and because I had listened, i wasn't just praying for the words she spoke ...

I was able to pray for the hurt that she didn't have words to define.

I wish I'd taken the time to make sure the pictures were securely on my flash drive ... and not rushed off to go to Walmart ... to get to dinner 20 minutes early ...

then I could look at my boy that I miss so much.

I think when he's back in my house, I won't be so quick to rush him to the very next important thing ... because I am convinced that the really important things in life happen when we are not rushing.

I really can't explain it ...

I guess it's that peace that passes all understanding ...

but my heart isn't in a twist missing AJ.

I don't mean that this time of having him away isn't hard because ... it is.

I don't know what to do with myself ...

and while the Lord even sent someone yesterday to my back door ...

Bible in tow, just to focus on HIM for a while ...

it's hard to know what to do first.

Today, I tackled the buffet.

I threw away things that could have been used -
     that I would never get to Goodwill

I moved all the pictures to one drawer

The office supplies to one

Stuff occupies two

My table holds what I don't know what to do with ...

I wish there was a place in my heart like that ...

a place to lay the things I just don't know what to do with right now.

The confusion

The thoughts I thought were clear that are now- cluttered

so I could decide what to do with all of it.

When I Grow Up

An interesting conversation began while we were camping next week ...
most of the conversation centered around children we didn't know very well, but the query was thinking about if the children involved were actually growing into what the adults involved thought they would be ...

the only true test we had were a Great Aunt/Great Niece combination ... and Kelly the Vet is precisely what Aunt Jean expected!!

In my own mind, I played the game with the kids in our group ...

The youngest in the group is the one I know the least about ... she is certainly bright enough to follow in her  parents' footsteps ... something in the sciences ... but her platform will need to be larger!

Then there's the next youngest ... the serious one with the sweet smile ... I think she will fulfill her want to deliver babies ... her fascination with life and how it comes to be is one of those God-given curiosities ... but I can see her at an inner-city clinic or on the mission field ... or leading ladies Bible studies like her mama ... because her faith will have to be an active part of her daily walk ...

Then the older of the sisters ... sports will fit in the picture some way or another ... as a scout ... a coach ... a TV commentator ... an athletic director ... an owner of a WNBA team ... whatever ... the hallmark of her career will be a quiet faith, marked by integrity and hard work ... the diligence that takes place behind the scenes and doesn't require a pat on the back or awards ... simply the intrinsic motivation to do her best is the driving force!

Then there's the boy in the group ... he's already said  he feels called to the mission field ... and now he's spending 3 weeks there ... his interest in following the Lord has take a driver's seat over his love for sports this summer- but I can certainly see him working with FCA/InterVarsity or something of the sort ... where his love for sports, his love for the Lord, his love of people can all be combined to serve what he believe is his highest calling ... and a foreign mission field would not surprise me.

This line of thinking along with Scott's sermon on July 3 made me wonder what the Lord dreamed for me to become when I 'grew up' spiritually?

Scott wanted us to consider whether or not we've failed to keep the fire of our First Love ... you know, the way you felt about the Father when you first came to know him.

Where did the enemy high jack that spiritual child in me? Where did I get robbed??

Looking back now ... the day after I got saved, I wanted to tell someone ... a miracle in and of itself ... as a kids, all I wanted was to be invisible ... I removed all the shower-heads from the girls locker room in an effort to not have to 'group shower' ... I failed 2 projects in middle school because I couldn't find my voice even when I finally got the courage to stand up in front of the class to give a presentation ... MINOR examples of how difficult it was for me to even speak audibly ...

When I went to this loved teacher she wanted to know ... "Is this the 1st time this has ever happened to you?"

WHAT?? It took everything I had to make my way to the front, say the words to the sinner's prayer out loud the first time ... I have to do this over and over and over? Maybe I didn't do this right??? oh help me!!

and the questions began for me ... fiery questions that would be stoked into doubt by mistakes, rebellion, revelations and regret ...

All those memories flooded my mind during Scott's sermon ...

it made me mindful. Mindful of my comments. Mindful of my questions. Mindful of how my preconceived notions impact those around me ...

mindful of how quickly my questions translate as doubt in my walk.

Mindful of how we are robbed ... and how we rob those around us with out thoughtless comments.

I spent time pondering the other women sitting at lunch with me ... wondering where they'd lost their fervor? Only one of us at the table is one I would say is 'sold out' ... so what had taken the joy??

death?
disappointment?
discouragement?
disillusionment?
rejection?
abandonment?
unmet expectations?
unfulfilled dreams?
brokenness?
unforgiveness?
anger?
unloved?
unwanted?
unsaved?

really the list could go on and on and on ...

but the fact remains ... that regardless of the why the truth is ...

each one of us has in some way or another taken our eyes off Jesus.

I'm not looking to my First Lover to lavish with our attention.
I'm not looking to my First Lover to fill the needs that run deeply into the soul.

And I am being disappointed every single day ...

I have to find my 1st Love again.
I have to refocus my eyes on Jesus.
I have to hear His Voice.
I need to hear my name whispered from behind as it says in Isaiah.
I need to find my way ...
so I can walk in it.

SUMMER JOY