Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Worshipping ...

Today, because it's beautiful out ... and I spent time in the Word 1st thing today ... and I got to fellowship with a precious friend ... and then again with another ... and flowers are up ... and trees are budding ... and skies are blue ...

worship comes easily.

It really is the way the Psalmist says ... even the rocks cry out His praises ...

on a day like today.

But Oswald calls us to look more deeply into ourselves than the immediate. And I've found myself right in the midst of this very struggle ...

"Lord, how are you going to do this?" And Oswald is right ... there's no place for worship in the midst of that statement.

Worship is about allowing my heart to see Christ in the fullness of who He is ... and questions, doubts and denial fly in the face of that.

"Lord, help my unbelieving heart to seek only after You - create in me a heart that is ready to worship You."


HOLINESS V. HARDNESS Towards GOD
"And He . . . wondered that there was no intercessor." Isaiah 59:16
The reason many of us leave off praying and become hard towards God is because we have only a sentimental interest in prayer. It sounds right to say that we pray; we read books on prayer which tell us that prayer is beneficial, that our minds are quieted and our souls uplifted when we pray; but Isaiah implies that God is amazed at such thoughts of prayer.
Worship and intercession must go together, the one is impossible without the other. Intercession means that we rouse ourselves up to get the mind of Christ about the one for whom we pray. Too often instead of worshipping God, we construct statements as to how prayer works. Are we worshipping or are we in dispute with God - "I don't see how You are going to do it." This is a sure sign that we are not worshipping. When we lose sight of God we become hard and dogmatic. We hurl our own petitions at God's throne and dictate to Him as to what we wish Him to do. We do not worship God, nor do we seek to form the mind of Christ. If we are hard towards God, we will become hard towards other people.
Are we so worshipping God that we rouse ourselves up to lay hold on Him so that we may be brought into contact with His mind about the ones for whom we pray? Are we living in a holy relationship to God, or are we hard and dogmatic?
"But there is no one interceding properly" - then be that one yourself, be the one who worships God and who lives in holy relationship to Him. Get into the real work of intercession, and remember it is a work, a work that taxes every power; but a work which has no snare. Preaching the gospel has a snare; intercessory prayer has none.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

upward, downwardspiraling toward nightthen swept up by the tiniest of windswhich catch the tips of my wingsjourney is treacherouslingering moresoretreat impossibleSurrender

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Grace ...
just the sound of the word evokes a reaction in my gut. When I wondered about names for the babies that never came ... the little girl name was always Emma Grace, with a slight variation on a few occasions when I thought maybe Hannah Grace ... but that word ... it just strikes me.Last week I found myself exposing some real lack of understanding surrounding the theology of GRACE ... I saw words escape my grasp that exposed the truth that I wanted something to do that made what I've done better somehow. I wanted something that eliminated my need to depend on this unknown quantity of Grace ...it's yet one more case where my head knowledge and my heart knowledge don't line up. I want to believe that Jesus died on the Cross ... I believe in the history of it. I believe in the miracle of it. I have NO doubt that He is the son of the Living God. I have no doubt about the circumstances surrounding His birth ... I BELIEVE the stuff most people get hung up on ... but I'm stuck.I opened up the book "What's so Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey today while I was the library. The first page outlines a story of a woman who 'rented' her daughter to men with perverted desires. When it was suggested that she go to church, she responded with "why would I want to go there, i feel bad enough already."I feel just the opposite ... I could not possibly feel badly enough for all that I've done. I place myself in a church pew knowing that every time the Word pierces my heart, I've asked for every one of those stabbing pains. And somehow the pain seems 'fair' ... I don't want to avoid it because deep down inside I know I deserve it. I ASKED FOR THIS ...That mom who rented her daughter ... SHE ASKED, even begged, FOR PAIN. So how does it make any sense at all that a penalty should be paid for me. That anyone should take my part. NOT that Jesus didn't. NOT that He couldn't. BUT rather, why? What right do I have to walk in anywhere and feel better about what I've done.GRACE ... unmerited favor. undeserved. unearned.I need something to do ... the thought of a hail Mary or a rosary or fostering a child or exposing the sin to those who respect you ... all seem like something to be done ...and yet, there's no satisfaction in it. There's no release from the torment.So as I go through the book ... do I live a shame filled life ... yes. Am I fearful of joy? Hmmm not sure fearful as much as I just know I do not deserve it. I have not earned it. Any measure of it that I have been extended is from a Loving God that I can not even begin to comprehend.Can I allow it to penetrate my heart in a way that begins to release my heart from the grip of guilt and shame? I don't know. I know this ... in the midst of my lack of faith ... Jesus sends amazing people my direction ... to love me in ways I could not imagine, could not have dreamed of, could not have manipulated if I'd tried. And for that reason ... I will trust this thing called grace that I do not deserve.

The Truth ...
He is my Almighty God.He is my Beloved.He is my Creator.He is my Defender.He is my Everlasting Father.He is my Faithful Friend.He is my Grace.He is my Healer.He is my Instructor.He is my Jesus.He is my Kind leader.He is my Lover.He is my Mountain Mover.He is my Neverending Source.He is my Omnipotent God.He is my Purity.He is my Quietness.He is my Refuge.He is my Strongtower.He is my Truth.He is my Unshakable hope.He is my Victory.He is my Wise Counselor.He is my eXalted King.He is my Yearning Heart.He is my Zealous Redeemer.He is ...whatever the need is today.He was ...whatever the need was yesterday.And He will be whatever the need is tomorrow.

Monday, May 11, 2009

This has been an exhausting weekend.
Physically ... I am exhaused. The Creeper Trail is 14 miles of mostly easy, downhill ride ... but even an easy 14 miles on a bike is 14 miles more than my bottom is used to doing! And therefore, the 3 miles that follows which is level and not really, really hard ... was challenging.I do not like to try something and not be able to finish. Because of this fact, Randy and I rode a tandem bike. I can not possibly spend the time today to tell you of all the lessons this ride included ... but let me share just one with you now ...My plan for the day was this- a tandem bike, Randy would make sure I got where I needed to go and he was my 'bailout' plan. I'd pedal if I could, slack off if I didn't want to do as much, put on my iPod and have a full day just in my own head. LOVED that plan.I quickly found myself in much deeper than I planned.Getting started was the hardest part of riding the bike together. You see, if you aren't in sync, someone is getting cracked in the shin with the pedal! The pedals move at exactly the same speed, stop simultaneously and if you don't act in unison ... someone gets hurt.Rarely would anyone use the word 'unison' when describing Randy and I.Spiritual lessons abound there. We may come back to those lessons another time ... but for now, here's where I want to settle ...When I was on the rear seat of this bike ... I couldn't see and I couldn't steer. I was completely out of control. And at first, it really bothered me. I would try to lean out to see around Randy. I would throw us out of balance. If I didn't do exactly what Randy told me to do when he told me to do it, my foot would get thrown off the pedal or I would throw Randy's off. This could have been disasterous. If I'd gotten mad and required Randy to lean down so I could see ... well, it just wouldn't have worked. If I'd insisted on steering but having him do all the work ... it just wasn't the way the thing was designed. We had to just make the thing work.So ...The iPod had to go. It was a distraction from his voice. I tried it in one ear, didn't work. I would hear his voice but only faintly. And I couldn't tell what he was saying. I Tried sneaking it on in the 'easy' spots but then I would be in my own world and completely miss him. The only bruise I have is from getting cracked in the shin by the pedal as he told me a big bump was coming and I didn't hear him. My foot slipped off ... the rest is history.I had to attend at all times, easy times and hard times to Randy's voice. I had to be alert to the sound of it, so I didn't get it confused with the other riders on the trail.There were a couple of times I 'got away with it' but finally, it caught up with me. I had an idea of how I wanted to spend my time on Saturday and at first, I was annoyed about not being able to do what I wanted. But my way was only getting in the way.What I found was that sitting behind Randy and listening to him talk that I was hearing more of what was going on in his heart. And while there are some serious implications for us as wives here ... I was mostly convicted of how rarely I've sat behind my Heavenly Father recently and just listened as He led me on this journey.How much more true is that concept when we're following our Heavenly Father. When we distracted by things that pull us away from His voice, really, nothing good can come out of it.I've used just these words ... "Lord, I don't "SEE" what's going on here." "Lord, "I" can't seem to change my course." "Lord, "where" are you taking me??"I had to trust Randy to watch for where I was going ... to alert me to any problem ahead ... to know the course and follow the signs ... to recognize when I was tiring and needed a break (only once did we have to stop, thank you very much!) ... and to push me ahead when I needed pushing (like when Randy said, just keep your feet on the pedals and I'll do the work).I need to learn to trust more. I need to learn to listen more intently. I need to follow with more grace.Just as a brief aside ... on this trip, I have no idea of most of the trail that was in front of me. I can't say that I would do one thing differently because I wasn't even permitted to be in the lead once. The offer was made and I declined. It left no room for me to question his judgement and no room for him to blame me for our status. There is much security in that place.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sometimes i wonder ...
why I feel like I have to talk my way through every problem.sometimes I talk to myselfsometimes I talk to someone who isn't really theresometimes I have conversations in my head i wish i could have in real lifesometimes I talk to a real persontoday I came to one conclusion ... I talk because eventually, I get around to something that makes sense.And today, finally I found a couple of things that made sense.I was explaining to Cindy that I've felt the need to 'explain' why I'm having to 'do this again' and I realized that I'm not really doing it again. The first times I was dealing with all of it in a manner which looked like someone else's story (the whole 3rd person thing from the other day). This time, I feel drawn to making this about my story. MY story. It seems important. In fact, it seems like I have no choice. Almost as if my life depends upon it.And, after thinking on that for a while after leaving her office, I had another thought ... maybe, just maybe doing this over and over again, integrating a little of me into it at a time is what's allowed me to not be completely overwhelmed. Maybe it's been the Lord's protection and not anything I've failed to do completely or correctly or that I'm wallowing in ...maybe it's the journey I'm supposed to be on.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Some crossroads are just ...
more difficult to navigate without being side-swiped.Today would be one of those days.Lord, help me to seek You first. Help me to remember that You go before me ... that you come behind me ...that You have ordained every path.Help me to remember You are here and you were there.Help me to only wade as far in as is safe.Help me to see a glimpse of You today.Take every thought in my reeling mind captive because I am helpless to do it.Help me to love, to forgive, to trust, to obey and to live.Remind me ...for every moment when I am not, You are.for every memory that takes me by surprise, You are not shocked.for every hurt that seems unbearable, You are the Healing.for every hate that threatens to over take me, You are the Hope.for every anxiousness to robs my peace, You are the Answer.for every act that steals my heart, You are the Anchor.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One of the ways ...
I had planned to use this blog is to communicate how I would like for you to pray for me in the journey at this point ...So, it's like this ... I'm stuck in a familiar place. I'm stuck at the place where my reality is that the study is suggesting that I need to 'tell the story' ... and while each of you knows some of the story, one of you knows a bunch of the story ... even I have failed to make it my story. I'm trying my best to do this one more time ... not cutting corners, not leaving out crucial components. I'm not leaving exercises in the book blank and trying to 'come back to that later' ...and well, this is the hardest point. Always.When, several years ago, I finally found the courage to share more details with Sandy than I had ever shared before, I managed by giving the facts, just the facts. I remember sitting in the car with her and though I struggled through some of the words and I worked to not squelch the emotion ... really, I'd found comfort in being able to tell the story about someone else- that little girl I used to be. In the subsequent times that I've shared bits and pieces with others, that technique worked very well. I could be honest, transparent and available ... but yet I really wasn't. Even to me.So here I am ... again. And I have somethings that I need to say ... things that I can recount with the same level of emotion that I might have if I asked for whole wheat bread instead of white ... but that deserve so much more.The quandary? Well, I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed by much of it. I'm afraid it I tell you won't like me anymore (I do know how dumb that is, but when I say it and then there's silence, I get wiggy). I worry that you'll look at me differently. I love you and respect you and honestly, I don't want you to have to know- and I feel a little guilty that I need you to know. So, I've got some stuff to get over before I jump in both feet first. Not sure whether or not the telling will be here, in person or- well, those are really the options I guess. Pray for courage. Pray that I'll let the Lord do this through me in a way that is healing. Telling for the sake of telling is futile. Pray I'll know what to say and to whom.

From the Esther study ...
even though I missed it the first time through ... oh, and in class ... and who knows, I might have even highlighted it (Janie has my book, I'm not sure of it, but I suspect it to be true!).What would be the reward of our existence if we were only repentant and never repaired. Oh ... my ... word -Or better yet, oh HIS Word.Here's the gift that He's given me over and over the past two weeks, in verses sent by text, verses in sermons, verses He leads me to in my quiet time ... Healing is what He wants too.Yesterday as I went through and looked at the list of characteristics of a dysfunctional family, I literally spread my arms, shrugged my shoulders and asked, "Of course my family fits! Do you remember the family I came from??"And a still, small voice said, "Yes, I do. Do you?"So I closed the book. It was too much question for me. Integrating the good with the bad makes things - messy. But today, I feel compelled to recount the good things about my family. Maybe here, later, but in my heart ... all day.Lord, While my memory is cloudy on so many areas of my life growing up ... is it just too hard to only remember the good?? Help me today to remember the good things about growing up in my family. If hard things come to mind too, help me know what to 'do' with those things so that I don't get bogged down in them. Thank you for your Faithfulness in the midst of my rebellious heart. Forgive me for it ... help me to turn away from that attitude. Thank you for all you've done to surround me with Your Word, by Your People.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What a way to start the day ...
realization ... contemplation ... conviction ... confession ...where are the days of just laying around watching Little Bear with my favorite little guy!?!There's a section in the Sledge book (I can't help but calling it my sludge book in my head) that talks about how in the dysfunctional family, the children don't know what normal looks like. They learn to adapt to their surroundings to survive ... read the situation and produce what's called for ...that's me in a nutshell. For years, Randy would say, "How can you be one person here and one person there and another person in this place ... and they all seem REAL? There was a measure of pride in that, I like that I can fit into most situations without much difficulty. But I'm coming to realize that in my 'fitting in' I've started to lose who I really am. Now, don't misunderstand me ... this isn't some feminist search for 'who am I' or a selfish inwardly focused moment where I think I've lost myself to my family and I've become discontent. But I've lost sight of what I enjoy, what I want to do, what I need ... because I don't know.I want to know who I am IN CHRIST. What has He created me for ... where do I fit into His plan.But here's the cool thing I learned today ... when I was saying, "I don't know what normal looks like. What does a normal parent child relationship look like? What does a normal husband wife relationship look like? What is normal? This was the advice of my counselor ... find some Godly women, men, couples ... folks who are clearly bearing fruit. Sit around them, be in Bible Study with them, Fellowship with them ... take your basket and gather their fruit.Thanks for being the fruit-bearers!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

What If I Tell
What If I Tell by Gina McCabe is a quick read through the first 4 years of her recognition and initial stages of the childhood sexual abuse this woman had repressed until her mid-thirties.It is a powerful story of a woman who was an active participant in her healing. She attacked the task as she had attacked most of her life, as something to conquer. As I read, I became somewhat disheartened by her progress through the first 4 years vs. my progress through the first TWENTY-FOUR ... but even as I write this, I realize that I was still a child processing much of this at 18 ... very confused, scared and alone. It really has been in my adult woman mind that I have been able to move, if not through then around some of the issues of this truth in my own life. Her ability to be brutally honest in some situations made me wonder if her healing came in telling and if I've allowed my limited honesty to become yet another perpetrator in my own life. There are some things that are just too hard to talk about and then there are things that just don't seem to have words, but rather a guttural noise that wretches in my mind when I even try to wrap words around them.There are just things you don't say in mixed-company ... and that mixed-company would be the decent and indecent. The quandary is that there's someone who should have been innocent stuck in the middle.Honestly, I don't know where this is going right now. It all feels very out of control. I just wanted to do some work on the the shame and guilt I was having surrounding my abortion ... I wanted to to do just enough to be able to put it away. And yet it seems like it's all so connected by this infectious thread of evil that I need to look at all of it at the same time. I was asking the question ... where do I go from here, not what happened then.Lord, I'm lost in this. Help me to know where to linger and where to make haste. Shed light where something needs examining and forgiveness and healing. Help me to recognize scars differently from wounds, not poking around on them until they resurface, but rather being thankful for Your healing that has brought me this far. It's too much for me ... but not too much for You.

and now everything from my homeschoolblogger days can be found here ... whew!

Oct. 4, 2009 - My three favorite words ... or at least they used to be ...
Not so long ago my three favorite words were "You are right!" ... I LOVED hearing it. At first, it was just funny ... It was a sickness that turned into a joke among my friends and family ... that wasn't very funny at all after a while.
But in the past year, I've watched countless friendships end and hearts break over some who believed they were right ...
and I realized that right ain't all it's cracked up to be. Being right put people in the middle, put people on the defensive and put people in their place. But never did it do anything to speak to the need in the lives of the ones who were wrong. And frankly, from the not-so-outside looking in, it's done little to improve the lives of the ones who were right either.
And so I decided to do a little searching ... do you know that the scripture never really talks about how highly we are esteemed by our Heavenly Father when we are right ... it talks about humility ... it talks about teaching others ... it talks about confession ... it talks about loving others ... it talks a ton in Proverbs about wisdom and the dangers of the tongue (Hmmm ... primary method of proving how right we are?? I'm just sayin' ...) ... but I can't find anywhere that anyone is given great accolades for being right?? There are however warnings to avoid controversial conversations(see Titus 3), not loan money, not covet what another has, not to provoke to anger, not to fall prey to Pride and oh yeah, to love your neighbor as yourself.
Seems to me that if one is going to follow the teachings of Christ, one would first have to lay down the need to be right ...
just thinkin' outloud here ...

Jan. 16, 2009 - Why am I up at 3am ...
because my son can't sleep ... probably because he's got a cold, slept all day (except for doing math and reading) and now, well, he's insulted but he's like a 3 month old who has his days and nights mixed up ... that happens too much around here. don't know the solution, but anyway ...
since I'm refusing to turn on the tv for him ... I thought possibly i would lull him to sleep with the tapping of keys on the keyboard ...
I'm in the grip of a Facebook Frenzy ... I've found several long lost friends lately and it's been fun to catch up with them. One of the side effects of this newfound hobby is that I find it hard to construct sentences with much depth ... I think in Facebook terms, sort of 3rd person-ish ... Amy is ... or Amy was ... or Amy has been ... today I wondered if I should write Amy is a has been ...
Nevertheless ... looking into the small window of lives that were at sometime connected to mine in various ways has been, well, interesting to say the least. I know who looks better, who looks worse, who cares, who doesn't, who married, who divorced, who is bitter and who who is blessed ... at least I can construct a story (fact or fiction, who knows) from the picture and snippet they give on their wall ... if you do the FB thing, don't you find yourself wanting to ask "why do you want to tell me that ..." or "why is that significant enough to go on your wall" I always want to be clever ... and yet I read other FB entries and see that they share very, very personal things ... one fella advertised the yard sale that his ex-wife is having in Indiana this Saturday (temp is supposed to be below zero) and encouraged friends to go and buy everything really cheap so that they could settle quickly ... uhhhh ... yeah, I think he's bitter.
So tonight, sleep deprived but unable to sleep - here's my status updates ...
Amy is ...
tired,
ready for spring if it isn't going to snow,
loving having the stereo downstairs,
thankful for a husband who works harder than anyone I know,
has a sore throat,
is missing some real friends she's neglected because of her FB frenzy,
wants potato soup for supper,
experimenting with a hundred different uses for Pat's Yeast Roll recipe,
hoping AJ feels better for the ball game,
doubts AJ will get to play airsoft this weekend,
sorry,
memorizing Psalm 73:26,
glad that the biscotti is gone
studying Esther,
tired of te cold - did I say that already,
hoping that this spiritual funk won't last long,
craving a big ole real Coke,
wondering if Ms. magazine thinks that saying Obama is a feminist is a good thing,
considering writing short story,
has a headache,
wonders why her family of origin seems so foreign to her,
wants to buy new socks,
loves playing Wii,
WHAT I WANT MY STATUS TO BE ...
amy is ...
rested
prayed up
secure in her relationships

CONTENT.
We'll see what tomorrow (or later today rather) brings!

Dec. 18, 2008 - So what about the times when you don't know what He's saying???
http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/2008/12/luke-145.htm
Love the promise ... want to do better ...

Dec. 15, 2008 - I've been searching for something to kick me out of this slump ...
I can't write ... I don't want to talk on the phone (texting short, meaningless messages hasn't been impacted) and have meaningful conversations ... I can't really connect over miles or blocks or even the space of a pillow ...
before you think i'm suicidal or something- don't panic. Not that all ten of you who still bother to read would constitute a panic ... however ... I think this morning I found the question, even if I don't have the answer ... it was the title of another blog that I didn't even read ... I just plagiarized the title ...
Often we don’t know why God is doing what he’s doing.
And I'd really like to know ... I'd like to know the why ... and the what ... and the when will He be easing up?? Somehow, I sense that the answers to those questions are not coming soon. Or wrapped with a Christmas bow.
Or maybe the answer was wrapped in a simple little blanket, in a simple little barn, to a simple little mom and dad, who believed in a great big God.
Even in the midst of knowing this, the question in my heart that has neared a state of longing over the past month, lingers. Not invasive or imposing darkness, just demanding a measure of attention - and I find myself shooing it away like a pesky fly on a hot summer day. I don't want to be quiet enough for it to catch me!

Dec. 4, 2008 - oswald cut the chase today ...
Holiness is the balance between my disposition and the law of God as expressed in Jesus Christ.
Man does my disposition need to be adjusted by the law of God as expressed in Jesus Christ!

Oct. 27, 2008 - My Playlist
I love music. I think it's a ironic that I would have zero rhythm, I can only sing if you're listening with ears of love and the only things I can play are the radio, stereo in my car (most important feature) and my Ipod. I'm pretty good with my Ipod though ... and it brings me more joy that any 'thing' I own besides books. I can take TV or leave it (okay, I love a good basketball game or a great football game) ... but everyday I have to have a music fix.
I regularly change my playlist to fit the activity that I'm involved in ... example:
4-wheeling Playlist:
I Walk the Line - I keep a close watch on this heart of mine ... to make sure it's beating before and after each ride
Honky Tonk, Badonkadonk - it's stupid, degrading song, but I was trying to se a mood, to do the thing, I had to be another person. There's not really a lick of badonkadonk in me!
Redneck Woman - ditto the last song, except that by the time this song would come on, I pretty much needed to believe I was a redneck woman to complete the task at hand
Amazed - I was often amazed that I was even on one of those stupid machines, but actually, I dreamed that if I rode enough, that Randy would someday sing these lyrics to me ... I gave up riding before I ever heard those lyrics - because I decided I needed something more than sappy, country lyrics to get me through the next 50 years with him ... like legs, arms, a brain that functioned and my salvation. All things that I was afraid I would lose if I ever climbed back on one about 8 months ago! But I digress
Live Like You Were Dying - why did I choose this song?
What Hurts the Most - usually whatever hit first or bounced hardest.
Before He Cheats - anger helped me through the hardest part of most trails ... and I decided that a Louisville Slugger to his 4-wheel drive was a good idea ... really it had nothing to do with cheating, just with wanting to destroy Randy's 4-wheel drive.
Settlin' - well, I just like the song.
I Need You - As much as it makes me laugh right out loud as I type, I would get to this song and usually tear up ... because I'd been scared, well, outta my wits for lack of a more family-friendly phrase. And I would use this to help me remember that without Randy, I was never gettin' outta whatever we were in the middle of ... only a couple of times did the angry part of the ride last into this song and I realized, I Needed Him to NEVER PUT ME IN THAT SITUATION AGAIN!!!
How Do I Live - the ever-present quandary
Something's Gotta Give ... oh, yeah, like the side of his head when I got ahold of that Louisville Slugger if we didn't reach the end of the trail soon.
Better Life- sappy song to remind me of those poor days when we couldn't have afforded 4-wheelers ... oh for those wonderful days!
Must Be Doing Something Right- i needed to have happy thoughts of my husband about then ...
Come a Little Closer - sometimes I needed two songs to get me there.
Politically Uncorrect- I needed a little redneck to make it's way back into my mind
Mud On Your Tires - easier part of the trail coming on ... maybe it wasn't so bad afterall ... yeah, it was!
Alcohol - Another place and time in my life, it might have been the solution to the situation ... just kidding, don't send me hate mail! Okay, just kidding, mostly.
Tomorrow's Playlist ... Jeep Music!

Oct. 16, 2008 - Scattegories
It Coulda Been Worse
had a fun meme on her site today and since I've fed 3 different familes for the past 3 days, washed a million and one dishes/spoons/forks/glasses (slight exaggeration, but not much) ... my ability to create a read-worthy blog is questionable!
So I'm just going to play along!

Here are the rules:
Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.
They have to be real places, names, things. nothing made up!
You can’t use your name for the boy/girl name question.
1. What is your name? arajbrown
2. A 4 Letter Word: Able ... describes my favorite people in the world, my husband- able to provide in a multitude of ways, my son-able to bring a smile in the most difficult of circumstances, my dearest friend, able to cut straight to my heart with that two-edged sword, my God in all ways, always..
3. A Boys Name: Atticus, I do love that name!
4. A Girls Name: Abby (I might have liked to have named a little girl that ...)
5. An Occupation: Artist, which is what I would call my husband, but never myself.
6. A Color: Amber (hate that color)
7. Something you wear: ankle socks ... don't get the wrong picture, there's no ruffle or lace or even pink trim, they are socks that land at my ankle ...
8. A Beverage: Apple Juice
9. A Food: Asparagus (great teamed with chicken breasts in a creamy sauce over whatever carb you choose (rice, cous cous, egg noodles)
10. Something found in the bathroom: Asprin
11. A place: Ashville, the first romantic destination for hubby and me!
12. A Reason for being late: A cell phone, a book, a bookbag, a pair of shoes ... a son who would forget his head if it weren't attached, and regardless of how cheesy that sounds- it's true!!!
13. Something you shout: Alright, someone's gonna get hurt. Those words get play at my house on a daily basis!
Okay, I tag all of y’all.

Oct. 9, 2008 - Riddle me this Batmoms ...
if you give instructions to do the definitions, to take notes on the bold-face words ... does it not stand to reason that one would need to READ THE CHAPTER ... to be able to complete those tasks?? And that possibly one would note that one HAD NOT READ THE CHAPTER before question 15 on the study guide??

Oct. 9, 2008 - Book Meme
I’ve seen this series of questions floating around the ‘net the last few days, and thought it looked like a good one for us!
What was the last book you bought?
Beneath the Pines by Janet Beard
Name a book you have read MORE than once
To Kill a Mockingbird

Has a book ever fundamentally changed the way you see life? If yes, what was it?
yes ... there are so many ... The Bible being the most obvious, Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy being the least obvious and Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers the most profound
How do you choose a book? eg. by cover design and summary, recommendations or reviews
I go looking for books upon recommendation ... but sometimes I buy a book (at a used bookstore) because I feel some sort of connection with the words the minute that I take it in my hand.
Do you prefer Fiction or Non-Fiction?
Fiction that isn't too out of the realm of possibillity.
What’s more important in a novel - beautiful writing or a gripping plot?
a beautifully written, gripping plot
Most loved/memorable character (character/book)
Angel in Redeeming Love
Which book or books can be found on your nightstand at the moment?
Beneath the Pines, Fair is the Rose, The Lies Women Believe, Jesus the One and Ony
What was the last book you’ve read, and when was it?
Beneath the Pines (okay, I have 10 pages to go ...)
Have you ever given up on a book half way in?
I've put a book down in the middle, but I usually go back to it.

Jeremiah 29:11

Oct. 8, 2008 - Been mulling this over in my mind ...
since yesterday morning.
I was struck by the Truth of the following passage by good 'ole Oswald:
Sin is a fundamental relationship; it is not wrong doing, it is wrong being, deliberate and emphatic independence of God.
The entire reading went on to delineate the notion that we come to God with a laundry list of sins we've committed. Everyday, everyday ... lining them out for us and for HIm - when in reality it was the sinfulness, the innate, unavoidable sinfulness of each of us that is at the root of our separation from a Holy God. He notes the use of the word SIN vs. SINS, using that as a way to differentiate between Christianity and other religions which focus on individual sins instead of a sinful nature.
And while it was a topic worth pondering in and of itself, as the day went on, I had a sick feeling about my own condition ... the pride that was present when a good day had gone by and my end of the day prayers contained fewer confessions ... and the shame (which I'm coming to believe is just pride in a wrapper of self-hate ... that may be for another blog or may prove itself too personal) of the days that seemed like I couldn't even recall every single rotten thing I'd done in a day- and that Deeply Abiding Spirit called for something more than I was offering.
And it was- it was calling for a surrender of me. I think what the Apostle Paul called "dying daily" ...
but how often do I really do that. I'm reading a book called No Other Gods by Kelly Mintor (I know,everyone else in the whole world read it with Beth Moore this summer ... I was waiting on my small group ... another story) ... and I've been trying to look at what the modern day idols are in my life ... since I don't have a golden calf in my backyard (funny, I feel like if you called, Randy would have stored about everything else in the world somewhere in our backyard, but I digress) ... one of the things that I'm discovering about myself is that my "To Do List" with God is one of my idols. I give my service to a list of 'gotta get it done's - especially in my relationship with the Lord. And it becomes ritualistic- not unlike bring a sacrifice before a false god ...
Doesn't that scream a reliance on works/legalism ... therefore, myself ....
gack! Rely on me??? What foolishness.
So there's the problem/idol/god ... pride.
And I'm left to re-examine my heart in relationship to everything that I do. What is the posture of my heart when I approach an activity ... is it God-honoring, or merely good. If I'm do do every good work as unto the Lord ... then don't I need to be focused on the God-honoring activity instead of what we would deem 'the good stuff' of life? And how does one decide the difference

Oct. 5, 2008 - It's a sad night here...
but it's more sad in Frankfort, Indiana for my dad.
The Cubs have lost again ... in a season when they won 97 regular season games- they couldn't manage one win in post-season. I don't know if it's the curse of the goat or an idiot fan who leans into the field of play ... but it is a monumental loss. For the first time in many, many years ... I think my dad really thought this would be the year. After 68 years of listening, taking vacation days to go see them at Wrigley Field ... I wasn't just hoping this was the year - I was praying.
Silly? Maybe, but he's my dad.
And so we'll wait 'til next year.
Again.

Oct. 3, 2008 - At my house this morning ...
I heard a slight change in attitude ... I'm reserving judgement on said change, well, because it means a decrease in the amount of AXE being used in my house! I believe this can only be a good thing ...
Last week ... "Mom, could you buy me some body wash. Not Axe, it dries out my skin. And, maybe something that smells good but not too much good smell."
Yesterday at Wal-mart I checked out a multitude of Body Wash for Men stuff ... since the job was left to me, I thought I'd search for one that would do body and hair ... after all, some of the toxicity comes from the mixing of one body wash scent, one hair scent, one deoderant scent, one body spray scent ... and for a brief period of time (until I hid it) cologne. His room was like migraine trigger central. I came home with Dial for Men ... HYDRATING formula.
This morning ... "Mom, the new stuff is awesome. It smells good, it feels good, it washes and conditions my hair ... you know (serious teenage voice) I have to keep up my reputation of having the softest hair of all."
Tonight, after everyone goes to sleep ... I'm changing everything back to Johnson's Baby Shampoo ... I've seen those girls rubbin' on his head

Oct. 3, 2008 - At my house this morning ...
I heard a slight change in attitude ... I'm reserving judgement on said change, well, because it means a decrease in the amount of AXE being used in my house! I believe this can only be a good thing ...
Last week ... "Mom, could you buy me some body wash. Not Axe, it dries out my skin. And, maybe something that smells good but not too much good smell."
Yesterday at Wal-mart I checked out a multitude of Body Wash for Men stuff ... since the job was left to me, I thought I'd search for one that would do body and hair ... after all, some of the toxicity comes from the mixing of one body wash scent, one hair scent, one deoderant scent, one body spray scent ... and for a brief period of time (until I hid it) cologne. His room was like migraine trigger central. I came home with Dial for Men ... HYDRATING formula.
This morning ... "Mom, the new stuff is awesome. It smells good, it feels good, it washes and conditions my hair ... you know (serious teenage voice) I have to keep up my reputation of having the softest hair of all."
Tonight, after everyone goes to sleep ... I'm changing everything back to Johnson's Baby Shampoo ... I've seen those girls rubbin' on his head

Oct. 2, 2008 - Things that make me happy ...
BooMama has a list of things that make her happy ... Loved that this morning as I try to re-focus on finding the Joy of the Lord in every day.
So ...
Things that make me happy ...
1. the moment that the sun breaks over the mountains (literally or figuratively)
2. when a sleepy boy still wants a back scratch
3. making my husband a lunch that I know will fill his stomach, reduce the stress on his wallet and contains something he wasn't expecting
4. phone calls that stretch across states and connect hearts (even if face to face would make me happier)
5. that feeling following prayer when you've purged your heart and a weight has been lifted
6. dinner and coffee with friends
7. FALL ... finally, my gray sweatshirt is able to make an appearance
8. a cup of tea with my son
9. friends who share laughter and tears
10. laundry that is done, folded and put away
11. cold sheets occupied by warm hearts
12. the promise of a date with my husband
13. music that leads me into worship, even if I'm cleaning the toilet
14. "light bulb moments" when we're trying to learn a new skill
15. people who want to be known
16. basketball season (actually ... pre-season, season, post-season, off-season ... it's an illness)
17. hot soup and warm bread
18. the feeling when my favorite house guests are about to arrive come home- it's the same feeling that I used to get when I was young and trying to go to sleep before Christmas morning ... I had no idea what was going to happen, but I knew it was going to be great.
19. knowing that I've helped a kid work through an issue
20. AJ and his friends in my Jeep
21. camping in the fall or spring ... winter isn't bad either
22. knowing my husband is coming home
23. completing a project (why don't I do this more if Iike it so much ... hmmm)
24. did I mention my gray sweatshirt???
25. the memory of the ocean crashing against the beach ...
26. baked sweet potatoes
27. babies who are just learning to talk
28. new tennis shoes (New Balance please)
29. books that captivate me for a time
30. biscotti ... I think it's about time for a batch!

Sep. 18, 2008 - Camping in a hurry ...
when we purchased a self-contained camper ... there was the promise of leaving this ready to go in a moments notice ...
the reality is that sheets get washed and put away in the house and need to be toted to the camper before every departure ...
food can't be stored for fear of critters ...
clothes have to be packed, meals planned, large cooking vessels hauled down the drive way ...
school books have to be included, as well as the dry erase boards ...
Ipods and cellphone chargers usually make their way into the mix ...
and because of the Florida-UT game, we're taking the big TV in hopes that we'll be able to pick up a signal.
2 hours ago ... the question was, "why are we doing this?"
right now, with sheets gathered, clothes nearly packed, meals planned, books packed, the cooler than we've seen in a while breeze that's blowing outside whispers the answer in my ear, "because we can ... be cause he's worth the trouble ... because it means that body and mind slow their frantic pace ... because souls reconnect and love one another better"
and so we're off!

Sep. 17, 2008 - A funny thing happened on the way to the coffee pot this morning ...
I did the things that I typically do ... stopped for my Bible, got a cup, stuck two pieces of bread in the toaster ... and settled in at the counter.
I've received several 'encouragements' of late to spend more time in the Word. So I flipped open to Psalms for 5 chapters ... Proverbs for 1 chapter ... and topped off with some time in Ephesians. DONE ... checked off the list for the day. In 20 minutes flat- and I was reading more than I usually do.
Such encouragement ticked me off a bit because I am consistently checking Devotions off my daily to do list. And while I received such encouragement from each person readily- okay, with a side of "I'm doing that" , this morning there was a new understanding ...
you see yesterday, I cleaned out my coffeemaker. It didn't look nasty, but it was sluggish in brewing ... the coffee wasn't tasting as good as it had in the past and even though we'd changed filters and coffee ... things were still askew in my coffee loving world. As I cleaned the pot and all the easily reached parts ... I realized they'd been well maintained with a wipe down or rinse every so often.
But the internal workings, well, I wasn't sure. So, I added a pot full of white vinegar to the machine and let it start to work. First of all ... it smelled awful ... that scent of coffee and vinegar together. It brought AJ out to see what was going on! Something was not right and he could tell. When the pot was finished brewing, it was obvious what the problem was ...
there was too much junk in the inside for the coffee to taste good- regardless of the quality of the coffee.
There was, scaly stuff, white chunks, black chunks and a sludge of the top of the water. (If you had coffee at my house in the last month or two, I'm so sorry) ...
So, I rinsed out the pot, added another dose of vinegar and repeated the process. Surely, this would finish it off.
Again with the crud at the bottom of the pot. What the heck ... I ran one pot of vinegar through! I'm a little grossed out at what I'm seeing. So I run third pot through ... significantly less crud ... and a fourth ... almost none at all ... and 3 pots of water though until it's running clear and vinegar scent free. I was pleased, but really didn't think too much beyond, 'wow, the coffee will run through 3x's as fast tomorrow morning' ... and went on with the rest of my day.
This morning, the coffee ran through more quickly ... and it tasted better than it had tasted in months. I didn't even realize the bitter taste we were getting ...
probably because the taste deteriorated over time I surmised.
And then it happened. Standing at the coffee pot, I ran into the Cross.
Why did my friends encourage me to spend more time in the Word ... because what I was spitting out was bitter(Likewise, if you've sought fellowship and encouragement at my house in the past few months, I apogize ... it might have been more bitter than the coffee!). Ephesians 4:31-32 says ... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
When I asked Sandy, "How do you know I'm not spending time talking to Him?" the response I got was this ...
Guess I don't think the despair, anger anxiety and loneliness you've been experiencing can grow to the magnitude it has in the light of His face. I'm not saying I don't understand why you're feeling them. The Accuser of the Brethren is rubbing your face in past sins that your heavenly Father has paid for and put out of his mind.
About the antithesis of the verses in Ephesians, huh?
This morning, I realized that there have been more gentle reminders from some along the way ... "keep reading and writing, that will help you work through some of this" ... "what are you using for your quiet time?" ...
all of which would have been met with an answer to satisfy the question ... but the evidence was in- regardless of the minutes or hours I'd spent with the Word beside me, around me, near me ... I wasn't allowing the Word to get in me.
Just the same as the coffee pot ... I could have poured the vinegar on the outside and made it shiny, I could have put it in the pot and made it look better ... I could have even run it through once and cleaned it out a little ... but the inside would have still produced bitter coffee. Because the remedy wouldn't have been thoroughly applied.
So, this morning, I went back to the Remedy ... I found myself re-reading Psalm 1-5 ... and Proverbs 1 and 2 ... and back in Ephesians 3 ... reminded again of how deep and wide the Love of Christ is ... settling in Ephesians 4 over the verses I shared earlier ... confessing the sin, bitterness, unforgiveness and anger that I've let build there over the past months. Laying it down, allowing His love to wash over it in a way that cleanses. Realizing that this will require continual reapplication ... afterall, that's where the problem started. I wasn't attending to the inside ...
but today I'm hopeful that my friends will find their place beside me in life as the song states,
"There’s a sweet, sweet Spirit in this placeAnd I know that it’s the Spirit of the LordThere are sweet expressions on each faceAnd I know they feel the presence of the Lord Sweet Holy Spirit... sweet heavenly dove...Stay right here with usFilling us with Your loveAnd for these blessings We lift our hearts in praiseWithout a doubt we knowThat we’ll have been revivedWhen we shall leave this place"

Sep. 11, 2008 - 9.11.01 through his eyes
Today my heart, mind and emotions have been like so many of you ... on 9-11 ... and I've seen post after post discussing the aftermath, the pros and cons of war, the axis of Evil and it takes me back to that moment ...
that moment was pre-homeschooling for us. I was in a room with 10 or so teen moms, 10 or so college-aged volunteers and responsible for the 10 infants down the hallway. Trying to decide how to best help these teenage moms process what it all meant ... trying to help these teens/early twenty college students make sense of the madness ... my teachers were reeling wanted to their children (one of whom was living just outside Washington, D.C. at the time), husbands, families ...
and I wanted mine. AJ was sitting in a kindergarten classroom 5 miles from me. And I couldn't get to him that very moment. The first glimpse he had of the towers falling was on an overhead TV that some teacher had turned on with subtitles ...
he could recognize the skyline of NYC because his favorite babysitter/person/woman in the world outside me was living there. And all he could eek out when we got him home was, "Is my Jenny okay?" A tiny little voice, He didn't know the name Osama or Saddam ... he didn't know that bombs contained more than water ... and he didn't know that fear could live so close to home. But what he did know was that he loved Jenny, Jenny's towers were falling down on top of people ... and he didn't know what to do. We prayed, we watched, we called Jenny's mom who assured us she was ok, in New Jersey, watching the flames from the top of her apartment building.
Why did they shoot an airplane at Jenny's towers mommy? Do you think they thought the towers were empty? Do you think they meant to hurt those people? Do you think some of those people were mommy's and daddy's? Do you think they'll come out from under the buildings?
I would turn the TV off and find it on with him in front of it again. So we watched, because we were compelled to watch. We prayed because we did not know one other thing that would help. We huddled close together on the couch, safe in Daddy's arms because it was the only safe place left in the world for that moment.
I don't know if the world stopped spinning or if putting a boot in someone's backside is "the American Way" ... but life is different. Our children live in a world where it isn't shocking to hear that 10 soldier died in Iraq today ... that another father, son, mother, daughter is headed into harms way ... and another procession is lead someone to their final resting place far too early.
Today isn't about terroism -
it's about innocence lost too soon,
lives lost too soon
and Jenny.

Sep. 9, 2008 - Sometimes I wonder ...
about people.
When AJ was little, he chewed a gun out of his toast ... NO JOKE. He picked up sticks and pretended they were guns ... He shot people with his finger, his pencil, his toy guys ... whatever he could get his hands on ...
he's a weapon guy!
I tried to buy him a pop gun at the Tractor Store in the mall ... they informed me that they didnt' sell 'weapons' ...
you'd have thought I wanted an missle launcher!
My very intelligent friend who has only one daughter was concerned about AJ's attitude about guns and killing. She reasoned with him at lunch once, "AJ do you think you should be killing people for no reason at all?" He was as polite as a 4 year old could possibly be ... but that night he told me how sorry he was that Vandy didn't have any pretend in her heart.
Various friends have been 'concerned' over the use of Airsoft. He shoots his friends, they shoot him and hurting each other is the objective.
Wonder how Sarah Palin would feel about that? I'm guessing she'd approve.
Tonight, we took AJ to buy an upgraded version of an airsoft gun ... lots of money ... the promise of a lot of pain. Randy explained where we were headed ...
silence.
These people believe in a woman's right to kill her baby, gay marriage, liberal expressions of art, liberal political views ... liberal every kind of views ... they use words like tolerance and acceptance in terms of lifestyle choices ...
but they worry about teenage boys, running around shooting each other with tiny plastic bb's ...
go figure!

Sep. 5, 2008 - Oswald is at it again ....

I had to laugh right out loud when I read the first line because I was immediately reminded of all the times that I've said ... "Lord, are you seeing this???" as if there's something that I am able to perceive or comprehend that He (omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God ...) might have been missing. And the times that I've been in prayer that I failed to remember that I'm just really there to cast my cares, bring my petitions - per scripture- and I treat it as if it's my journalistic responsibility to "keep Him up to Speed" on the situation.

My laughter turned to awe when the reality- I mean, sit on your heart and begin to alter it reality of the only thing I see (comprehend, understand, discern, pick up on ... etc.) is that thing which HE says, "Amy, do you see what's happening here? LET ME SHOW YOU ..."

And then my awe to a humbling, "Why would you ever even give me a glimpse when I am so self-centered, foolish, unteachable and unbelieving?"

And broken to the core when I'm gently reminded that anything He does has to do with only His Glory, His Purpose, His Plans ...

and in my weakness only He can use me because of Who He Is ... and what I admit, I Am Not.

THE MISSIONARY WATCHING


"Watch with Me." Matthew 26:40
"Watch with Me" - with no private point of view of your own at all, but watch entirely with Me. In the early stages we do not watch with Jesus, we watch for Him. We do not watch with Him through the revelation of the Bible; in the circumstances of our lives. Our Lord is trying to introduce us to identification with Himself in a particular Gethsemane, and we will not go; we say - "No, Lord, I cannot see the meaning of this, it is bitter." How can we possibly watch with Someone Who is inscrutable? How are we going to understand Jesus sufficiently to watch with Him in His Gethsemane, when we do not know even what His suffering is for? We do not know how to watch with Him; we are only used to the idea of Jesus watching with us.
The disciples loved Jesus Christ to the limit of their natural capacity, but they did not understand what He was after. In the Garden of Gethsemane they slept for their own sorrow, and at the end of three years of the closest intimacy they "all forsook Him and fled."
"They were all filled with the Holy Ghost" - the same "they," but something wonderful has happened in between - Our Lord's Death and Resurrection and Ascension; and the disciples have been invaded by the Holy Spirit. Our Lord had said - "Ye shall receive power after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you," and this meant that they learned to watch with Him all the rest of their lives.

Aug. 6, 2008 - Simple Truths ...
from the Louisville, KY Living Proof Simulcast ...
Jesus Loves Me ... This I Know ... For the Bible ... Tells Me So
no matter what ...
Jesus Loves Me ... This I Know ... For the Bible ... Tells Me So
through tears ...
Jesus Loves Me ... This I Know ... For the Bible ... Tells Me So
through gritted teeth ...
Jesus Loves Me ... This I Know ... For the Bible ... Tells Me So

Jul. 1, 2008 - Out from under the clutter ...
Last week ... AJ was in Florida.
I cleaned. Out of necessity of heart and home. The XBox room was the first because it seemed the most managable ... i was sort of wrong.
But ... I found a most precious picture of mom and son ... a few letters and cards that were fun to go through again ... clothes that were old and outdated made their way to the garbage or Goodwill.
But in the bottom of the closet, under the boxes of science experiments was a small bag. Inside were two treasures that in December of '99 I thought might be important someday. You see, even when my Granddaddy was sick, had oxygen tank and tubes everywhere ... my son loved him. He loves him still. AJ called him GG Pa ... the Pa part stuck in his mind most because when he was five he was proud that we were related to one of Jesus' apostles ... the Apostle Pa ... true story.
So, when GG Pa died when AJ was four, I wondered what he'd like to have of his ... watches were claimed ... wedding rings claimed ... there was every little of value ... AJ chose one bottle of Gray Flannel which I occassionally sneak in and smell. For him, I chose a pair of overalls and a flannel shirt which were the treasures in the bag ... tonight, I showed him the clothes ... knowing that overalls aren't his thing, I wondered what the reaction would be ... he was thrilled, which thrilled me. I even got an unsolicited hug, kiss and thank you for thinking of him all those years ago. I nearly cried watching his long legs fill the legs of my Granddaddy's overalls ... knowing how pleased he would be to see that boy that sat on his lap proudly wearing his Big Smith's ... I'll spend some time working on the cowboy boots and one other treasure for his 13th birhtday. Somehow, that just seems like the right thing to do.
My heart is full tonight.

Jun. 23, 2008 - A Little Grace
I consider myself an okay driver. Not because I'm a great driver, but because I am, in my husband's estimation, "painfully careful" ...
I'm careful because I know my limitations. I have zero depth perception (vertical or horizontal) ... I try to not frequent locations I've not scoped out, I try not to position myself in parking spots where I'm going to have to maneuver around to get out ... and I've never had a wreck (well, except for a snowy road in the middle of a midwestern snowstorm ... there was a snow drift, an icy surface and well ... thank the Lord, no other vehicles on the road)!
but no matter how well I know my own weaknesses, try to avoid putting myself in awkward situations and avoid doing the wrong thing ... IT HAPPENS. A curb, a pole, I might have to back up a time or two or six ...
And such was the case on Friday at the Horn of Plenty. I was in a hurry, my mind was elsewhere and I did not notice how full the parking lot was when I started my entry. I managed into a spot fine, picked out peaches for cobbler and Yukon Gold for mashed potatoes and gathered salsa ingredients ... all in record time! Heading toward the Jeep I realized, "Oh, man, how am I gonna get outta there?" and that's when the deep panic set in my gut because I knew I was in over my head. I'd made a hasty decision and now I was going to pay for it.
I was bound to screw up. There was a curb, a busy road, a pole, cars beside me and cars behind me ... all the makings for a disaster. But ... I had to get home and Randy was working ... "OK ... I can do this."
Well, it didn't take15 seconds to know that, 'yes, I could do it, but I couldn't do it without making a mistake."
And the rich little man, in the little silver sportscar wanted to give me grief ... man, did he give me grief ... and believe me, it was completely unnecessary for him to point out what I'd done wrong ...
I KNEW I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ENTRANCE- I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE ANY MORE THAN HE WANTED ME THERE ...
he honked, shouted something out his window at me, pointed to the middle of the entrance and still bumped his tires up on the curb ... none of which helped me get out of the way any more quickly or conveniently for him. I left the parking lot thinking about how stupid I was, how foolish I'd looked ...
and yes, I was slightly honked off at the little man who was so impatient ... but mostly I was just feeling stupid and talking to myself and saying all the things I wanted to say to him ... if he'd just let me get ouf of the mess before jumping in and pointing out all the ways I'd screwed up, I just needed a little space to right what I'd done so wrong ... if he'd just been 15 seconds patient, he wouldn't have hit the curb or made me look foolish, and then I said it, "All I needed was a little Grace" ...
And somewhere in my soul I realized that just about covers life in general. Sometimes, we all just need a little Grace.
How many times do we recognize our sin, but we're in the middle of the garbage we've created around us ... we're even ready to admit that we've messed up (sometimes in horrific ways) ... we just need a little room/time/energy/encouragement to be able to work ourselves out of the middle of the muck. I think how often we look at folks, kids or adults, and we blast them for making a mistake and then for having to maneuver themselves out of the middle of it ... and make no mistake, if there's a mess, there will be consequences to be worked through.
And all that's required is a little grace. Not an exemption from the consequences, just Grace for the moment where they're trying to figure out what the next move is supposed to be.
I didn't have any choice but to continue to pull my car through the middle of the entrance ... I needed another 15 seconds to make right the previous decision. But I was trying.
I needed the little man to give me a minute to work myself out of my mess. Grace, just a little grace. He was on the sidelines in the enviable position of having done it all right! Maybe, just maybe he didn't know what it was like to have done it wrong.
Whatever your IT is today, I pray that the little man in the little sportscar in your life will grant you Grace ... Grace to get yourself out of the pickle your in!

Apr. 30, 2008 - Friendship
Ecclesiastes 4:10
For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. NASB
Kneeling at the foot of the cross ...
wrestling with life ...
accountability in our struggles...
laughter in the midst of the storm ...
contentedness in need ...
peace in chaos ...
challenge to be better than you thought you could be ...
security to be just who you are...
honesty inspite of fear ...
love in unspeakable ways ...
known as one who has purpose ...
treasured in undeserving ways ...
covered in petition ...
silence that speaks volumes ...
and words that bring healing ...
and a heart that always points back to the cross.
I pray this kind of friendship for you. I am blessed.

Apr. 16, 2008 - This is one of those ...
I should be doing something else notes ...
so I'll keep it short.

It's 36 degree here. What in the world is going on?? They call it Dogwood Winter ... I hate Dogwood Winter. It's just wrong to fluctuate in temperature 550 degrees in a week.
I have a sore throat. And I'm leaving on Friday ... and a little matter of a sore throat is not stopping me!
On the Friday trip, some 400 miles or so away, my sweet husband wants me to pull the trailer behind the Jeep so he can ride the motorcycle to Indiana and then drive back up with us. I have no depth percetion, I've never done that before and I said no. How is it that someone with such an amazing grasp of just the right time to use the word "NO" does not understand it himself? One of the great mysteries of life.
The tip of my nose is cold, my feet are cold ... gack!!! even my coffee is cold. I'm going back to bed ...
or not.

Apr. 15, 2008 - A penny for your thoughts ...
and the last thing I wanted to do this morning was argue with *someone* about getting out of bed. When said younger someone was, well, younger ... we played a game of tickle. I would use 3 voices, all sounding somewhat like Speedy Gonzalez, and each had a special placed they liked to tickle.
The last time I tried that he almost broke my fingers off ... he was attempting to 'pop the heads off of all tiny mice in the house' ... (see previous entry, we've turned the satallite off).
Plan B ... For two weeks I've been trying to use my "nice mommy" voice (note the quotation marks ... that signifies that the nice mommy voice is FAKE) ... followed by the normal mom voice, which has been effective, like ONCE ... followed by the mean ole mother voice, which usually nets me a grouchy 12 year old. ahem ... what to do, what to do.
This morning, I was in a more playful mood ... I considered water torture (but retaliation frightens me), I considered testing the fire alarms (don't want to teach him to ignore the computer) ... breakfast cooking might have worked (but shredded wheat cooked ... well, maybe not and didn't meet the want for a giggling boy).
So the solution was this ...
He has a fish bowl full of pennies sitting on the steps leading into his room. I entered with a not so fake happy mama voice and said "A Penny for your Thoughts this morning!"
I got a groan.
When I took the first penny and said it again, I tossed the penny onto his toes that were peeking out of the covers (note to self ... must look for a longer blanket by next fall).
I got a "hey, what was that?"
When I took the next two and aimed slightly higher ...
he moved to peek out of the blanket.
Where I promptly landed one penny right on his forehead (I knew that God was in this plan all along) and said cheerfully, "Penny for your thoughts?"
To which I got a giggle.
SUCCESS!!
NOTE: I have been pelted by pennies for the past 20 minutes, and I have no blanket to protect myself. Take this into consideration when testing this system at your house.

Apr. 10, 2008 - How long will I wait?
Mark 5:28 For she said, "If I touch even his garments, I will be made well."
In our Bible Study yesterday we looked at Mark 5:21-43 ... the focus of the lesson was on allowing interruptions to be God-appointments.
And as I am so prone to do, I was focused on the way little picture.
I calculated interruptions yesterday. I wondered how many times I call a friend and would find myself the interrupter ... but
I didn't linger there. I was pretty focused on the notion that we need to be available to serve others as the Lord opens those doors.
But an interesting thing happened while we were there ...
One of the women in the study pointed us toward a humbling perspective ...
wonder what it would be like to allow our circumstance to be interrupted by a God-appointment with the Father himself? How hard it must have been for this woman with an issue of blood for 12 years (12 YEARS!) and all the isolation that would have accompanied that in her culture- to even walk out of her house ... let alone find herself close enough to touch the hem of the garment! And still have the faith to KNOW that if she just reached out her hand, Jesus was all she needed.
I spend days ... and I'm embarrassed to say, weeks and at times months ... wandering around my circumstance ... whatever it is at the time ... too spent to read my Bible ... too depressed to talk to anyone ... too proud to reach out ... and too faithless to cry out Abba, Father ... You are all I need.
I believe those words.
I cousel others to trust Him in that way ... just yesterday, I said as much to a dear friend ...
and the convicting truth in my soul as I tossed sleeplessly last night was that I don't live there. I'm hopelessly found in the midst of chaos(often the chaos of my mind) or awaiting the next storm. I've witnessed "Peace, be still" moments ... and yet I fail to trust Him in the ones that might be on the horizon. Living in fear of what's to come instead of living in joy ... content in my circumstance. Didn't Paul write that little tidbit from prison ...
Lord, help me to dwell in You.

Apr. 1, 2008 - 41 Things to be thankful for ...
141. Snuggling in the morning.
142. A coffee maker with a timer.
143. Ceiling fans.
144. Coffee shops with free wi-fi
145. Friends that know your heart and let you know theirs
146. Words, words, words, words and more words
147. A taller than me preteen fella who still needs me.
148. Banana bread with walnuts.
149. The privileged of praying for others.
150. March Maddness
151. The Book of Colossians
152. A husband who works hard ... if I've used that one before, I'm using it again now!
153. Yankee Candles ... especially the apple scent.
154. A God who is the same ... past, present and future ... regardless of my shortcomings (and they are many)
155. Boys who play at my house ... even though they act like they're too big to 'play' when they are in public places
156. Red bud trees in bloom
157. Spring lightening that calls me to Foothills Parkway
158. Chili's Lettuce Wraps
159. The courage of young believers in the face of adversity.
160. The outlet pass and drive to the basket!
161. Tons of pillows on my bed!
162. My mom who collected pop bottles so we wouldn't have to be on the free lunch program.
163. A cast iron skillet that is so well seasoned that cornbread almost jumps out of it when you take it out of the oven.
164. New Balance Tennis Shoes
165. Friends who laugh (and pee their pants) with you.
166. Days when you get to make something that was so wrong, almost right again.
167. Sweet tea with lots of lemon (don't comment about the YouTube video please).
168. Protective boys who are trying to be men.
169. Men who remember how to be little boys.
170. Dove Chocolate with carmel
171. A God who uses me inspite of myself
172. Francine Rivers books
173. Maple and Brown Sugar Frosted Mini Wheats
174. Wrigley Field and a new year for the Cubs
175. Grapes
176. Pending trips ... to familiar arms
177. Grace extended, Grace received
178. A new hair cut
179. The song "Tis a Gift to be Simple"
180. Waves that crash, even in a distant memory.
181. Fifteen years of marriage
182. That I've come to a place in life where I'm glad I was born.

Mar. 29, 2008 - It's been a long, cold, lonely winter ...
okay ...
maybe not cold ... by the standards of anyone over the Mason-Dixon line.
maybe not lonely ... here has been no lack of folks around who are in need
and maybe no longer than any other winter, since that season is given it's allotment of time on the calendar just as every year is given.
BUT-
it has seemed an unusually harsh season. I don't know if it's the climate of my heart or the busy-ness of the days or possibly just the lack of sunlight that seems to happen from late January to mid-March.
At any rate, I'm going to try to get myself back into some sense of blog-routine.
Today hubby is digging with the Bobcat ... mounds of clay-laden dirt are being removed from the side of the hill in anticipation of a basketball court (for the next ten years or so) /someday garage (when the basketball has no use at the home of empty-nesters). My Indiana soul is still shocked everytime we start a project like this to find that no matter how far we dig down, there is still no rich, black dirt to be found.
When I was little and we drove through West Tn in route to Mississippi, I thought the red dirt was somehow on fire, making fumes that cause me to have difficulty breathing. In reality, we were just hitting traffic in Nashville about the time that the sun was getting really high in the noon sky ... I'd been riding for 6 or so hours in a car with the windows rolled up and adults who smoked. The combination of stand-still traffic in Nashville, heat from the summer sun, hours of cigarette smoke in my asthmatic lungs and the slightly claustrophobic panic that I still get on long car rides conspired against the only thing my 7 year old brain could find to blame ... the red dirt.
Funny how we find thing to cling to that we think could make our situation temporary. Child or adult ... our brains function so that we build a world in which we can function until the real world either adjusts itself or we grow into the reality of it. If you haven't seen The Martain Child - rent it. It is an amazing story. And I won't say another word about it, because it's just too good to spoil any of it.
Alright, so we'll see whether this leads me back into a routine ...

Jan. 31, 2008 - We're Going to the Championship!!!
How cool is this ... there are two homeschoolers who start for MCS!
AJ had 9 points ... steals, rebounds and just an overall great game. He is incredibly excited.
okay ... I'm pretty excited too!
There are several bloggable lessons from this tourney ... not the least of which involves sportsmanship (or the lack of it by coaches or players opposing us tonight).
But tonight, we're just going to be happy for the boys who only won 1 game last year!

Jan. 4, 2008 - There's really no excuse ...for a month between blogs ...rick asked for a new blog on Christmas Eve ... sorry it's taken so long to accomplish!And, this is a pathetic excuse for a blog really. While I have several ideas rolling around in my head (and believe me, I've so completely disconnected over the holidays that there's ample room for things to just roll around!), I've developed a self-imposed time limit on the amount of time for reading and writing blogs everyday ... and my time is up in 3 minutes. And Sarah hasn't posted yet today(the rest of you are almost as pathetic as I am about posting regularly). How is this time limit thing going to work??? Anyway ... over the holiday I have:had dinner at friends, had friends over for dinner, had friends visiting for a week (almost), learned to more effectively use my bread machine for dinner rolls (white and wheat), cinnamon rolls(not as good as Kelly's), cinnamon bread, biscotti and banana bread (now I need to learn to more efficiently use my treadmill), developed 3 new recipes to use in my two week rotation (if you could only hear the cheers from my family), watched movies, started a new 'read through the Bible" plan, shopped, cooked, slept ...and now my 3 minutes is up! sorry for typos or misspellings ...

2007 ... in the books!

only a little left to go ...

Dec. 2, 2007 - blog land etiquette ...
requires that I link back to the site I saw this post on first ... I can only sometimes make that work with my AOL acct ... and today isn't one of those days. BUT Patrick's Place Sunday Seven question of the day was "What are your 7 favorite Christmas songs?" ... actually he called them Holiday or Christmas songs ... I'm just calling them Christmas songs ...
Here's my list ...
1. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear (there's no spiritual reason, when I was 7 Kevin Kirkman sang it in a church program our babysitter took us to ... he also played the guitar ... I fell in love with both of them
2. The Little Drummer Boy
3. Mary Did You Know
4. Breath of Heaven
5. The entire Young Messiah CD
6. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
7. Tennessee Christmas (This was the cutest thing ever when I was teaching English to 15 Japanese 1st graders!)

Nov. 30, 2007 - I've had the same alarm clock since I was in High School ...
it's traveled from Frankfort, Indiana to East Tennesse ... from Davis Hall to Bartlett Hall to Cates Street back to Indiana briefly to Topside Road to Sterling Street to Hoopes Street to Wildwood Road to Blockhouse Road to Bay's Mountain Road to Oakdale Street to our current home (somehow it sorta freaked me out to type in the street we live on now).
Monday morning it failed to go off at the appointed 6am. Randy was convinced something was wrong. Loyal friend that I am (to my alarm clock) I declared it must be a programmer issue!
Tuesday morning it failed to go off at the appointed 6am. Randy declared it dead after double checking it for accuracy. But lovingly agreed to give it one more chance to come through!
Wednesday morning it failed to go off at the appointed 6am. Randy declared something had to be done! Because I have a hard time letting go, I asked several questions ... did you double check the time, did you make sure the volume is turned up, did you make sure that it's set for 6am and not 6pm???
Thursday morning it went off right on time.
hmmm ... I'm not sayin' a word!

Nov. 30, 2007 - 121-140 ...
green (darker shades), rice crispy treats, unexpected hugs, clothes that come right out of the dryer, Paula Deen's Banana bread recipe, Iron Chef, snow days, The Living Christmas Tree, AJ scored 7 points tonight and he was more excited about his assists, the word culpable, the warm blanket I'm snuggled under while I type, Constant Comment Tea, homemade Christmas ornaments, my nieces and nephew are coming for the weekend, Amy Grant's Christmas albums (Dr. H ... do you hate the Christmas album too ... or just the old stuff??), being able to look for the perfect gifts, my bread machine, soup on cold days, blue jeans and tennis shoes!

Nov. 29, 2007 - Life-changing moments ...
Let me just start off by saying ... this may turn into an intense entry ... so if you aren't up for it today ... I so understand!
I spent the past few days trying to write more "thankful entries' but the end of November always makes me contemplative. Maybe it's the fact that there's not enough daylight to ward off the blues. Maybe it's the fact that I'm always trying to figure out how we're going to 'do' the holidays ... both Randy and I come from divorced families and the end of November always brings questions from my mom (in Florida), my dad (in Indiana), Randy's family (in St. Joe, Missouri) ... and because I'm a people pleaser it makes me sad to tell each of them 'no' we won't be coming ... and maybe it's made me even slightly more sad that we've said no for so long now that they ask but already know the answer ... maybe, just maybe it's because we're involved in two basketball leagues, a huge Christmas performance at church, youth group, prayer group, church ... and I'm sleeping about 4 hours a night!
Those would all be valid reasons for sluggish joy during the last week in November!
But it's an exercise in futility to 'suppose' what might be causing my contemplative heart. I already know.
I'm going to set the stage a bit ... I left a small town in Indiana and came to Tn to a college which challenged the wishy washy Christianity. And by the time I graduated, my wishy washy faith became secular humanism at best. I began to speak the 'there is no absolute truth' mantra. I started to look at a variety of religions in a way that leveled all playing fields (in a nutshell ... I really stopped believing/started questioning that Jesus is the only way to the Father). I was in a very difficult journey of someone who was abused as a child. I was not surrounding myself with friends who did much to bolster a true relationship with Christ, but rather surrounding myself with folks who were playing at church (more dangerous in my estimation than just abandoning the church all together). And, I had developed very strong feminist attitudes, including a pro-choice attitude. Those beliefs just skim the surface of what was really going on in my heart, but they do give you a picture of what was happening from about 1985-1992. It wasn't outright rebellion ... it was a very quiet change in my heart that was not obvious to the casual observer. And, though I always wondered if I was headed down a destructive path, I thought it was my intellectual awakening.
In 1992 I entered my first teaching position ... 6th grade science. I LOVED MY JOB. And I loved teaching science. The Lord used that job to begin to challenge my beliefs. I started that fall with some amazing Christian women. All three of them my age ... all three of them committed beyond anythiing I had experienced in a long time. We adored each other. We loved teaching. We loved our students. It was an amazing experience ... we started a drama club, a Jesus and Me (JAM) session ... we jumped in and really impacted the lives of those kids. But it was the faith of those kids that really began to soften my heart toward things of the Lord again. The first ding in my academic armor was textbook teaching of Evolution. I did teach it as a theory, but one particularly vocal Christian young man (whom I suspect had the spiritual gift of discernment) came to me privately to ask if I really believed all that evolution junk. I lied to him that day and said no, but I knew it was a lie. Then came the week long abstinence unit.
I had to begin to look at my own personal beliefs and weigh them against what had to be taught. I loved those kids too much to lie to them.
And so I began to explore my faith again ... I started being more regular in church attendance ... stepped up some relationships with Christian friends that I had let begin to dwindle and I made some surface changes but nothing significant had changed in my heart. I was sort of living out a faith by works existence. I was DOING a bunch of good stuff!
Jumping quickly ...
In the spring of '93, Randy and I married ... and in the fall of '94 we got pregnant.
I thought it was an ironic turn of events that I would be teaching reproduction(starting in November) at exactly the time that all these things were happening in my own body. I made a decision that I would share the experience with my students. Afterall, I knew these kids. It was my second year with most of them and some had come to my wedding, their parents had thrown a shower for me ... we loved each other and I was thrilled to take them on this journey. I okayed the approach with my principal and off we went. The Lord used those weeks to really break my heart and my pro-choice views. Those kids looked at pictures and asked questions ... hard questions. I was forced to look at some of the liberal views that I had so proudly developed and I was beginning to waiver.
Three weeks later, in November of '94 ... the 22nd to be exact, I left school early because I had started to spot. And that afternoon, during an office visit, I miscarried ... not an unrecognizable mass of cells ... but 8 weeks worth of baby that looked just like the pictures that my students and I had poured over the week before in anticipation of week 8. Perfectly formed fingers, toes, body ... in a perfectly formed, but unable to stay attached sac.
I will spare you the details of the entire process ... but as I lay on the examining table, I was in shock. Full blown, can not recount how the next 5 hours passed shock... how I got to Randy, got to the hospital, got through xray, got through another procedure ... but it was like I was an observer, perched up on the ceiling everywhere I was, watching what was happening ... and at every turn I reminded myself that I had no one to turn to ... no one who would ever REALLY understand what had just happened.
To top it off ... it was the week of Thanksgiving. And just because my world was crumbling didn't mean that life stopped for anyone else. And I was utterly alone. Randy and I ate Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant and he worked the rest of that day and the entire weekend. It was in those days following that I began to see my own need for transformation in my relationship with Christ. Wrestled with God over some hard issues, threw my Bible and cried while I was alone. To everyone else, it appeared that I had gone through this experience with strength and courage ... inside I was dying a private death.
At first glance, that sounds like a terrible thing. Make no mistake, it was painful. Going back to school and having to tell my kids. Trying to decide whether or not to try to get pregnant again ... which was a laugh, we decided not to try right away, God decided differently and three weeks later we were pregnant with AJ ... though we wouldn't know that until March!!! All of it clearly orchestrated by a God who had a plan. A plan to draw me back. A plan to build a family. Plans I can not begin to pretend I understand completely. But it was that experience of isolation that made me know there was no where else to turn but to Him for healing. And that private death was the dying to self that I was resisting.
It would be a year later, after AJ was born that I came around to full recomittment to my walk with the Lord. And several years later before I was able to really begin to mourn the loss of a baby. So while November always makes me ponder and evaluate my Christian walk and my heart, it almost always makes me a little sad. Our Sunday School teacher recently said he often prays, "Lord, bring me the easiest way I will come." And I know in my heart that the Lord tried to bring me easier roads ... but I resisted ... and the sadness reflects the regret.
That said, I am so thankful that He never gave up on me. That He lovingly brought me through even the tougher road. And on the other end, He provided healing. He gave us AJ ... and in that gift he is teaching me the lessons that are mending my heart in ways I do not deserve!
And so I can't hear Chris Tomlin's words without knowing them to be true deep in my soul ...
The splendor of a KingClothed in majesty Let all the earth rejoiceAll the earth rejoice He wraps Himself in lightAnd darkness tries to hide And trembles at His voiceTrembles at His voice How great is our God, sing with me How great is our God, and all will see How great, how great is our God Age to age He stands And time is in His hands Beginning and the end Beginning and the end The Godhead Three in One Father Spirit Son The Lion and the Lamb The Lion and the Lamb How great is our God, sing with me How great is our God, and all will see How great, how great is our God Name above all names Worthy of all praise My heart will sing How great is our God How great is our God, sing with me How great is our God, and all will see How great, how great is our God
Blessings to you this day!

Nov. 28, 2007 - The 80's
Our co-op is having a fundraising dance with an 80's theme on Friday night ... as I was looking for the lyrics to one particular song (I'm not telling which one) I found a funny list of "You might be a child of the 80's if ..."
I hope you enjoy it!
You remember Don Johnson when he was "cool"
You know who shot J.R
You remember when Michael Jackson was actually considered something of a sex symbol
You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
You owned at least one skinny leather tie.
Your first Walkman weighed 10 pounds and was the size of a brick.
You wore L.A. Gear tennis shoes.
You know the meaning of Wax on/Wax Off
You're always "in the mood for dancing"
If you can "See Better" with sunglasses that have paint splattered all over the lenses.
You wore lace gloves with the fingers cut off, bangle bracelets up to your elbows, bright red Reebok high tops and parachute pants to a school dance
You need a shopping cart to carry your personal stereo with you.
You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before the surgery.
You go rollerskating every Friday night (not to skate, but to 'hang out')
You still want to take Karate...(after you move to California)
You watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs, that's for sure".
"Outrageous!" is the term to describe something neat and cool
You think that Garbage Pail Kids are your children's worst enemy
You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke
There was nothing to question about Bert n' Ernie living together
The feeling in your thumb is only now just returning after holding down the Atari joystick to control the racecar in Enduro Racer
You went out and purchased the sound track for 'Miami Vice'
You remember the magazines of song lyrics
If you think Hulk Hogan is the best wrestler of all time.
If the best non-slasher movie in your opinion is An American Werewolf In London.
Two words: The Clapper.
Six words: "This is your brain on drugs."
You want to live in 'the Valley'.
Ferris Bueller was your idol.
You watched 'Star Search' on a regular basis.
You can sing all the words to "One Night in Bangkok" by Murray Head, and now you understand that it is about chess.
If you had an entire wardrobe of Esprit clothing (or coveted one.)
If you know the words to the "Oscar Mayer" theme songs
Your bangs are teased perfectly to 7 inches above the rest of your hair.
Have multi-colored earrings that touch your shoulders
Played Upwords, Boggle or Trivial Pursuit (the original) on a rainy afternoon
You're still bitter that WHAM broke up
You know whose phone number is 867-5309
You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to
You can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you.
You still wear a bandana tied around your leg and/or a ponytail off-center on the side of your head.
You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts
You never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs
Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
People are constantly gagging you with spoons.
You know all the words to "I'm just a bill, sitting up on Capitol Hill" and "School House Rock."
The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
You still can't believe that Milli Vanilli was deceiving you all that time
Every now and then, you blurt out: "Ooh noo, Mr. Bill!!!"
You still watch things on Beta tapes
You know who Martha Quinn is.
You still carry your boom box on your shoulder
You think David Hasselhoff was awesome in Knight Rider but sucks in "B ay Watch."
You wanted to be "The Hulk" for halloween
A piece of folded paper and two hands could tell your fortune.
Knickers and leg warmers were cool
If you remember Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, not Die Hard
You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding
You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.
You thought a Commodore 64 was the highest technology available
When you saw luging at the Winter Olympics you poured water down your driveway and tried it yourself.
You want to be "Where Everybody Knows Your Name"
'A Different World' kicked butt
Remember "Dancin' to a Big Mac at McDonalds!"
You know who played Magnum P.I
One Phrase, "The Plane, The Plane"
You can name at least three members of the Brat Pack
Still think banana clips were a godsend
Still wear Wet n' Wild makeup
If your idea of hi-tech toys is still the heat-sensitive color-changing sticker on Transformers
You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.
You still wear your "Members Only" jacket.
You still have a couple of those barettes made of woven ribbons.
You had snap bracelets
You remember when Pee-Wee wasn't a pervert.
You had had five pairs of socks on at any given time
You still think Donkey Kong can beat Mario up
If you still have your scratch-n-sniff sticker collection
If you ever used Lee Press-On Nails
If you wear jelly shoes
If you remember when you heard that drinking soda and eating Pop Rocks would make your stomach explode
You still play with that CASIO SK-1 Keyboard
You're still hoping for a New Kids on the Block reunion tour
You still argue over who was better: Tiffany or Debbie Gibson
Every time you hear the "OH YEAH..." song you think of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
You still watch tapes of Stingray, McGyver, and Airwolf

Nov. 22, 2007 - It's been a quiet Thanksgiving ...one with a mixture of new recipes and old favorites ... a mealtime which is different because we have a kid (my 18 year old niece) who has entered the workforce and had noontime obligations ... and a day which normally begins at 6am for me didn't get into full swing until 10am. And this girl who usually has a migraine in the face of major change ... loved the change! And I think candlelight dinner worked very well! So, what was on our table?Turkey ... sage and butter as the main basting ingredients (old standby)Dressing ... sage, apple and sausage (new recipe ... I think we'll go back to the old recipe next year)Sweet Potato Casserole ... just the standard because no one but Randy and I like it.Mashed Potatoes ... Yukon Gold with lots of butter and half and halfCranberry Sauce w/ Mandarin Oranges ... nothing special here, but a required itemGreen Beans ... just green beans, not casseroleBeef and Noodles ... because it isn't a holiday meal in my family without it!Yeast RollsPumpkin PiePecan Pie Fresh Whipped CreamThere are still dishes in my sink ... that won't change before tomorrow morning. But, all the leftovers are stored. Folks are dropping like flies around here from exhaustion after a day of laying around watching movies and football (GO COLTS!) ...We won't be shopping at 5am ... who knows if we'll make it out at all! We do plan a trip to the theater to watch August Rush! Pray your Thanksgiving was full of joy!

Nov. 21, 2007 - Thankfulness continued ...
Just FYI ... it isn't my intent to finish this by tomorrow ... I'd like this to become a consistent (I know I told you I'm not good a consistent ... this is a concrete application of something the Lord is working out in my heart ...) -
that said, I would like to take a chunk out of that big number by Christmas because I believe it will keep me focused on what's really important about the Christmas season!
So, here we go for today's list ...
101. beautiful days today and yesterday to shop for all my Thanksgiving necessities
102. an amazing sunrise this morning that coaxed me out of bed even though my head was pounding
103. at least 10 long, hard belly laughs last night at Panera
104. the friend who shared them with me
105. prayers that I know are being lifted on my behalf
106. my niece, the very first baby that sparked my 'mommy instinct' ... she'll be spending Thanksgiving with us
107. Seat belts
108. Food TV recipe archives
109. my pocket knife
110. Wednesdays with Beth (if you didn't hear it today, you should go and download it to your iPod)
111. frozen pie crusts ... I wish I were good at it like Sarah but I'm not.
112. pumpkin pie mix ... I know, it's probably not as good, but ...
113. Swiffer
114. Sportscenter
115. my Maryville College connections
116. my dad's sense of humor
117. my 95 year old grandmother
118. my sister-in-law Laurie ... I wish she and her family were going to be here for Thanksgiving!
119. comjy jammies
120. friends who face life with courage ... I'm going to leave links out because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings! Hit the friend button or those on my sidebar to see several examples!

Nov. 17, 2007 - ABC's of Thankfulness ... numbers 71-97 ... and 3 extra to make 100.A- Atticus ... he makes me laugh everyday!B- Butterflies ... make me want to welcome changeC- Cartoons ... remember Saturday morning cartoons, everything was clearly make-believe and the most serious of the bunch was Johnny Quest?D- Deviled Eggs ... hmmm... I might have to add that to my menu sometime next weekE- Extreme Weather ... screaming wind, blowing snow, driving rain (scorching heat I can live without)F- Football ... hard-hittin' slobber knockin' footballG- Gum ... Especially Eclipse Lemon IceH- Harry Potter movies ... please don't send me hate mailI- Ice from Sonic (or anywhere else that has pellets instead of cubes or chunks)J- Jesus Loves Me ... I love this simple little song packing such a punch of truthK- Kelly ... she makes me laugh harder than AJ!L- Laughter ... it is wonderful medicineM- Moments where hearts open and fellowship abounds!N- Nothing on the schedule ... need I say more?O- Ober Gatlinburg in JanuaryP- Pink ......... gotcha!!!!! ... not pink ... purple, well, not purple so much either ... pickles, yeah, I like picklesQ- Quiet silence ... you know the kind where everyone you love is under one roof, sleeping soundly, joy floods every cell in your body and time stands stillR- Reading late into the nightS- Sweatshirts ... gray, grungy, ratty ones are my favorites ... nothing in pastels with small forest creatures on them pleaseT- Talking with friends ... over coffee, huddled on a couch, on the beach, next to the pool, on the phone (There's a Dr. Seuss book in there somewhere)U- Uninterrupted sleep ... mmmmmmV- Vermont Country Store fliers ... fun stuffW- Wrinkles ... might as well be thankful, they don't seem to be going anywhereX- Extra Cheese on my pizza ... on my burger ... on my eggs ... you get the pictureY- You for reading all the way to the bottom ... stop and go make breakfast for your familyZ- Zero outstanding balances on credit card bills ... peace. 98. A morning to sit and blog, drink coffee and breathe deeply99. Sunrises ... His Mercies are new every morning100. Nights at the beach ... a object lesson in how big God is and and how small I am ... the ominous roar that comes from the darkness that lies ahead, making me tremble with fear, yet filled with anticipation. Something so pure and so honest comes through in those memories that they seem like 'Holy Ground' moments.