Monday, May 31, 2010

As the years passed, the princesses continue to be visited by the trusted one. In truth, he seemed the perfect hero. As the wages of war become more fierce and bloodied than was appropriate for their tiny minds, he would show up and sweep them off their feet with promises never kept, but always believed. As soon as the batttle started to escalate, the younger princess would begin to dress for his visit. And the older to pray that he would not come this time; though she did not have words to express why dread gripped her. All she knew was that she felt ill in anticipation of his arrival and stupid as he rode away leaving a trail of lies behind him she had digested willingly. Each and every night she would draw her oversized shirt around her promising that when she was the queen there would be no more war.

In time, the preferred attire became the protective armor that the older princess sought. Strong-willed. Stubborn. Uncooperative. The character of the princess was in question. Evil gripped her throat and mind, silencing them both. Even Merlin's magic seemed too weak to combat the reputation of the trusted one.

Amidst the desperation, lived a flicker of an unseen Spirit she could not name, urging her on, providing a glimmer of hope that there was victory to be had at the end of the war. So,day after day, she would carefully prepare for battle, venturing out only to train quietly. Survival became serious business. The search for armor that would disguise her status as princess was a key strategy. A pony tail exchanged for a page boy. Jeans swapped for sweatpants. T-shirts replaced by oversized sweatshirts even in the heat of summer. A satchel of books. Bindings to hide other evidences. A ball glove and cap completed the picture. Until there was no sign of a princess to be found.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Once upon a time there was a princess. The little girl was full of wonder and possibility. She spent most of her days wearing evidence of the world she loved to explore. Scuffed up tennis shoes, patched knee jeans, mud stained t-shirts and a kool-aid-kissed, half-cocked smirk on her face was the preferred attire. The queen allowed this because, afterall, she had the younger, pretty princess who was being readied for the day when a prince would arrive to claim his prize.
Only on the days when the trusted one would come to take the princesses out for an adventure did the queen insist that the older of princesses don appropriate attire. In response to mild protests of the daughter, the queen responded, "He's asked that you wear a dress to go out for this special dinner. You don't want to disappoint him. If you do, he will only take your sister. Do you want that?" And so, reluctantly the princess slipped the cold the slick, satiny slip over her arms, released her will as the queen tied the ribbon of the frilly dress in the back, put on two pair of britches, two pair of socks and the shiny black shoes-and waited by the door.
Even as the princess waited, she wondered why everytime the trusted one came she had to wear a dress. But everytime, she complied with his requests. In her heart, she promised herself it would be okay. Slipping deeply into one of the stories of her mind, returning only when the safety of her mud-stained t-shirt was securely wrapped around her body.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

eyes of love



Hope you are ...








looking up at the same moonlit sky that's blessed us!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Longfellow ...


The holiest of all holidays are those kept

by ourselves in silence and apart;

the secret anniversaries of the heart.




more Stolen Property ...

as I've wandered around in my mind the access that was given to the enemy over the loss of innocense is almost overwhelming ...

it created in me a sense of hopelessness and futility from a very early age.

And at the root of it developed a faith crisis.

I quickly began to cling to what I could know about God. What I could know about Jesus. What I could know about the Bible.

And I abandoned what I believed.

How did the enemy do that? Let's look ...

The Monday after I gave my heart to Jesus in Jr. High:
Shy beyond measure me works up the courage to tell my favorite teacher that I got saved. I was pretty sure she was a Christian, at least I knew she attended church regularly. Her response, "Is that the first time that ever happened to you?" WHAT? 1st time, it can happen multiple times? It can not take the 1st time? You mean, I was grasping at something to hold on to in my absolutely crumbling world and it's not secure? Maybe I didn't do it right? I have to do something to make it stick? Doubt begins. This is counter to everything I thought I understood, but okay. And so continues until my 40's a sense of "Am I really saved? Really, really saved?"

Stepdad who claims to be a Believer:
Touches me in very inappropriate ways because he said he confused me with my mother from behind ... hmmm ... not likely. Idiot liar.

Pastor/friend's dad:
Standing right behind me at a church gathering, comes up close behind and says in my ear, "You've started to fill those jeans of yours out pretty good." Why the heck is he looking at my jeans? And what about all the times I've stayed at your house??? How does this fit into all your sermons about 'lust' and 'as a man thinks in his heart' and purity? Really?

Older woman friend whom I trust:
I finally gather the courage to ask the question, "Can you really be saved and then not be saved?" Reformed theology intact, I get a confusing Calvinistic answer that makes me begin my quest for 'Am I one of the chosen ones?" More doubt. I thought saved meant I asked Jesus to come into my heart. Where do I go from here?

1st year of college:
Roommate seems to be a strong Believer. Parents are strong Believers. Sing in the choir. Sing solos. Deacon of large church in Knoxville. Works for Baptist Book store. Confronts me about my sin of drinking on the weekend (loving thing to do- never felt like they were anything but justly concerned). However, the same roommate would ask me to leave the room when her fella from Carson-Newman would come to visit because they were "married in their hearts" and liked to lay together naked. The description of what was acceptable went on and on and as well before what Bill Clinton deemed acceptable as sex ... You think I'm dying and going to hell because I drink too much? And you are fooling around (with your boyfriend who is studying to be a minister) in ways that are too much to be put into words? Really? Confusion.

1st year of college:
Professor tells me that the Bible is a piece of literature. That it's theoretical, not literal. It is more like a reference book. And his job in this class is to "make you doubt everything you think you believe about this book." The intellectual level I question in myself is significant! I can not imagine how I could possibly believe something that someone so smart thinks is so stupid. Belief begins to crumble in the face of skeptics and hypocrites.

This was all by the time I was 19 years old. Inundated by the pressure of being the first person in my family to attend college. Knowing that I left my little sister behind- and she was ticked. I couldn't find a place where faith was secure- it was all wishy-washy and full of exceptions to the rules. Nothing was steadfast. Nothing was true.

My faith was dying inside me. And I didn't know what to do to stop it. Or where to turn. Fear was the mainstay.





Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Truth applied to the lies ... EDITED ... yikes!

it causes me to question my ability to love ...
We love because He first Loved us. I John 4:19

it causes me to question my ability to be loved...
How great the Love of the Father has lavished on us that we may be called the children of God. I John 3:1

it causes me to question my want to be loved...
I pray that out of His glorious riches he may strengthen you (me) through His spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you (I) being rooted and established in love may have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses all understanding that you may be filled to the measure of all fullness of God. Ephesians 3; 16-20

it causes me to question my worthiness to be loved ...
But God demonstrated His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:5

it causes my view of the love between a parent and child to be skewed ...
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and hhavve no compassion on the chiild she has borne? Though she may forget , I will not forget you. Isaiah 49:15-

it causes my view of the love between a husband and wife to be skewed ...
I belong to my lover and his desire is for me. Song of Songs 6:10

it causes my view of the love between friends to be skewed ...
A friend loves at all times and a brother was born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17

it causes me to believe that my worth comes from what I can do ...
May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ through which the world has been crucified to me and I to the world. Galatians 6:14


it causes me to question the validity of my worth in my family...
All the days ordained for me were written inyour book beofre one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

it causes me to question ... period.
See I have engraved you o the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. Isaiah 49:16


Lord, Help me to believe Your Truth above the enemy's lies!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Stolen Property ... and what was it worth to the Enemy? EDITED ... double yikes

I'm reading Fresh Faith by Jim Cymbala ... I can't seem to go quickly-which is what I do when things strike me hard ... I pour through them like a bat outta, well-you know ... so that my heart doesn't catch up with my head ... then things just meander through my mind at various times- I think it's how the Lord allows me to not be overwhelmed by it all. This is different though. I've been through Esther, One in a Million, Secret of the Lord and now Breaking Free ... and well, I'm just tired of running.

Anyway ... today I'm re-reading Chapter One and Two ... the main point he's trying to make centers around John 10:10 "The theif comes only to steal, kill and destroy." And Cymbala gives the charge to take back the stolen property of our lives.

There's a lot of stolen property ... I know there is ... but taking it back means looking long enough to identify it. And it means I have to want the property bad enough stand still and look for it. And I think it is the beginning of the question I posed earlier ... how do we live like we're loved? If I know that I am loved by a Heavenly Father, who knows me, has known me since before the creation of the earth, who knows what I've done, what's been done to me and what the cost has been ... then why should I be afraid, ashamed, embarrassed or intimidated to look at what the enemy has stolen from me?

And yet the truth is ... I am ...

afraid of what others will think.
ashamed what I've seen.
embarrassed by what I've done.
intimidated by what that knowledge could cost me.

I've walked a little of that path in the past 8 weeks or so ... and so, the level of innocense lost is known. And there have been some new realizations on my part.

How do I reclaim innocence? Really reclaim it. The words "once you know something, how do you un-know it" came to mind today. There are so many things I can't un-know.

So ... item number one on the stolen list is my innocense.

How to reclaim it, well, that's another blog entry, and maybe another leg of the journey.

However, the admission begs the question ... if it was stolen, what was it's worth to the enemy? Why would he want my innocense?

Well, let's see ... it causes me to question my ability to serve in any meaningful capacity.
... it causes me to question my ability to love.
... it causes me to question my ability to be loved.
... it causes me to question my want to be loved.
... it causes me to question my worthiness to be loved.
... it causes my view of the love between a parent and child to be skewed.
... it causes my view of the love between a husband and wife to be skewed.
... it causes my view of the love between friends to be skewed.
... it causes me to believe that my worth comes from what I can do.
... it causes me to question the validity of my worth in my family.
... it causes me to question ... period.

Knowing hinders my ability to just believe.

And that's only the beginning ... there are things that a loss of innocense cost me that words can scarcely cover.
And, that's only one thing that was stolen ... the truth is, if the enemy thought it was important enough to take it from me- it must have had some eternal worth the the Father. And therefore, no matter how much the world tells us that the loss of innocense is no big deal ...

I'm living proof - it must be a big deal!

Pride ...


Monday, May 17, 2010

I think it's worth askin' the question ...

it struck me this morning as I listened to a song ... I'm pretty sure it was Mark Shultz ... and this ran through my mind over and over again ...

The directive in the song is to "live like you're loved"


And practically speaking, how does that manifest itself in my everyday life???

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Friday, May 14, 2010

Deuteronomy 14:2

Deut. 14:2

for you are a people holy to the LORD your God. Out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, the LORD has chosen you to be his treasured possession.

Chosen ...

somehow that word settled more than just one issue in my heart this weekend.

You see ... it's no secret that in my family, for the most part they just don't know what to do with me. So to just simply acknowledge the fact that though they didn't choose me, but the Creator of the universe did ...

well, it's been a huge realization.

Because while He chose me- He also placed me. Inspite of what they think of me, I am just as much a part of our family as anyone else.

It wasn't an accident.
It wasn't a mistake.
It wasn't random.

So as the weekend approached, I just decided to approach the time with them differently. And He immediately began working in my heart and in my circumstance.

The plan was as follows:

My nephew Scott is graduating and this weekend was to be the celebration- and those celebrations always happen at my house. I am always in charge of food, times, entertainment and lodging for as many as I am able.

Mom and Joe were coming from Florida and staying in the same hotel they always stay in ... only to discover that their dog is no longer welcome in that facility. So they opted for a stay in a cabin in Laurel Valley. Nice set up ... 2 bedroom, 2 bath, front and back porches, living room, dining room and kitchen.

My aunt and uncle are coming from Indiana.

Oh, and my niece turns 21 on Monday.

Celebrating abounds.

Sitting at Sonic talking to Jena and it occurred to me (umm ... read that the Lord let me in on what was going to happen) and I said outloud ... "I bet my mom wants to move everything up to the cabin. That wouldn't be so bad, really." But really, I thought, yeah right, not a chance. And headed home to start cleaning.

Call from Indiana comes- my cousin Matt, his sweet wife Mel and their 3 under 5 kids are coming to stay with us for the weekend. Yay! Exciting news!

Then the next call comes in ... and sister treads lightly ... "what would you think if ... "

and I stop her. "You know, Mind, if mom wants to do things at the cabin, that's fine. No big deal. Let her do all of it. We'll come to you."

My sister ... "You're not mad? Are you sure? Really, well, okay. Then we'll just do it there."

confession #1 ... normally this would have driven me crazy! I'd planned, cleaned and shopped for much of this already. But because the Lord so graciously clued me in ... I was really okay with it.

Freedom.

Not just from cooking and cleaning and serving and a million dishes and money we didn't have ...
but freedom from trying so hard to 'serve' my way into their hearts.

Freedom from having to pretend that I've got it all under control.

Freedom from having to keep it all under control.

Freedom to help but not be incharge.
Freedom to not make any decisions.
Freedom to not feel responsible that everyone's favorite thing made it to the table.

Freedom to just be a part of the gathering.

confession #2 ... today I feel a little lost. Like I don't really know who I am in this family. I don't really know how I fit. And if they were honest, they don't know what to do with me either.

But today there is freedom to just be for a while as we all figure out how to function in this new reality.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I'm inbetween ...

studies which means I'm using a variety of things to try to fill the gap ...
or maybe I'm trying to avoid the continuation of the study I just finished ...

regardless ...

today I opened Jennifer Rothschild's Fresh Ground Faith devotional. My sister gave it to me after the conference she did in the fall ... it seems like a million years ago. A lot of stuff has happened between then and now ... most of it absolutely necessary. Even if it hasn't been easy or comfortable.

Here was the question posed to her ... "If you could see for just one day, what would you want to see?" and her answer was that she couldn't choose. Upon reflection, she realized that she couldn't choose because she didn't want to see for a day- she simply wanted to see!

I am in a season of wanting a similar healing.

I don't want to believe just for a day or a moment or a week at a time, I want to believe. Period.

I don't want to walk in the light of his unfailing love for a day or a moment or a week. I want to walk there. Period.

It's just too hard for that to be the case ...

because in the days and moments and weeks-
my heart is waking.

I find it to be like new skin- tender, quickly wounded and and easily bruised.

It's unfamiliar, scary, painful and I'm not figuring out how to maneuver around it readily.

Comments, actions and attitudes that used to just roll off- land-hard. I'm often shocked by sudden feelings that rise in me. And it's because 'feelings' haven't risen in some time.

Ezekiel 36:26 says ... And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. NLT

It would appear that the stony heart is being broken up ... I need to stop throwing the rocks that are left over right now though. Before I put someone;s eye out.

I claim this healing as an answer to a prayer uttered in complete desperation!

Lord, You are Good. Your timing is perfect. Help me to receive this new heart with grace ... I feel like a toddler running amuck. Help my responsive heart to grow in Your love. amen

Exactly Three Times since I posted this morning ...

I've had to say these words to myself ...



Is this the bridge I want to die on ... or burn?



Is it really?



Everyone in the situation has to ask the same question ... but really ... are there many things that are worth it? Really? In the long run? Wow ... even in the short run?

There are bridges that are worth dying on ... but only if they save someone not if they just throw someone else off the side!

argh ... could we start today over??

Several years ago ...

I watched a precious friendship go awry ...

that word barely covers it. It was painful to watch. As I am prone to do, I tried to decide how I would do it differently should I find myself in a similar situation. I loved both of these folks dearly and really, when it was all said and done- the aftermath just hurt.

not quite a year ago I watched from a much closer vantage point how damage can be done in a relationship and how quickly feelings get hurt, anger spews and righteous indignation makes itself the special of the day on the menu.

Since then, I've told myself that honesty is the key. Letting people know how you feel, communicating expectations and needs ... afterall, friendship or marriage or student-teacher interactions aren't really meant to be guessing games. They are relationships with people's hearts at stake. And yet continually, I find that while that technique works in theory, in practice- it's not as effective. It makes some presumptions that may or may not be true-

One presumption is that

just because you(and by you I mean "ME") let the need be known-
doesn't mean that anyone is listening
or that the people who are listening care (or should for that matter).

another:
just because it was clear in your mind and you would have responded thusly
doesn't mean anyone else has a clue you were saying anything important
or again that they care that you spoke (or should for that matter).

another:
just because you state an expectation doesn't make the receiver responsible for responding w/compliance
or once again that they even care about your expectation(or should for that matter).

another:
just because I would respond in a situation one way-doesn't make it the right way
or that anyone is interested in how I would respond(or should be for that matter).


Do you see the theme here ...

we tell people things, we share our hearts, we share needs, expectations and feelings anticipating a response of some sort. And really, when we throw ourselves out into the real REAL world- what we have to be ready for is getting whatever we get. Regardless. And somehow I find myself less and less ready for that as the days pass lately. What's up with that? Even though I KNOW it's true- I can not control how other people act or treat me ... in equal measure I find myself hurt by the fact that they could have controlled it and didn't. And it boils down to the fact no one pays attention to what their actions communicate to another.

I'm just as guilty.

So today I'm left with wondering how to make this all work. It was really easier when I didn't care so much.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I know this isn't really how ...

it's supposed to work ...

but today I am so overwhelmed by the joy that fills my heart just because I get to be AJ's mom ... I think tomorrow I'll just celebrate him. Not in a huge way- in truth, I'm really not even sure how, but that guy is a tangible, concrete example of God's Love for me.

And I am blessed.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Nothing else to say today!

This is for the weary and the weak.
This is for the desperate and ashamed.
This is for the hopeless hiding in the shadows
cuping hands around a flicker of faith.
This is for the one's who don't belong.
This is for the silent castaways.
This is for the sinner peeking through the stained glass
from a sidewalk in the cold driving rain.
We all fall down.
We all need saving
once in a while.
You are not alone.
We all lose faith
and lean on mercy.
And through our darkest night,
He said He'd wait for us.
Just come to Jesus.
For anyone who's given up on God.
For those who tripped and fallen out of grace.
For anyone who's lookin to the bottom of a bottle
for the strength to make it through another day.
We all fall down.
We all need saving once in a while.
You are not alone.
We all lose faith
and lean on mercy.
And through our darkest night,
He said He'd wait for us.
Just come to Jesus.Come to Jesus.
He did not come to raise the living
or touch the eyes of those who see.
It was for the bitter and burned-out.
It was for the unforgiveable.
It was for the failure, standing on the bridge,
because the guilt's too high a price to pay to live.
We all fall down.
We all need saving
once in a while.
You are not alone.
We all lose faith
and lean on mercy.
And through our darkest night
He said He'd wait for us.
Come to Jesus.
Come to Jesus.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

If it's really ...

all about the journey ...



and it is really all about the journey,



then it shouldn't matter that the official Bible Study is over, but it makes me sad.



HOWEVER ...



God has been faithful during this 3 month process and can I just say as trite as it may sound-



I could have never done it without Him.



You see, if I were God- I'd have given up on me.



From a human standpoint, I'd done it all.



Therapy and medication.

Man-hating, authority bashing liberal therapy ... lots of what II Timothy 4:3 talks about when it says, "For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine Instead to suit their own desires they will surround themselves with a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." I pretty much was hearing just what I wanted to hear and it fed a need. And it was a disaster of epic proportion.



Denial, suppression, depression.

Well, what do you say about that. I really just wanted to be like everyone else. Worked hard to make it so. And it did for a while.



Group.

Hmmm ... can I just say, not for me. Got hurt.



Journaling.

Definitely for me, it's always been a good thing, but I don't always know what to "do with it" as I finish. Blogging has been a cathartic process.



More secular therapy and medication.

Want a different result but try the same thing? Hmmm ... you probably thought I was smarter than that. Not true.



And finally about 18 months ago I cried out to Jesus and he started me on this journey.



Here's some of what I've learned:
-acts of obedience that I do not understand build faith.
-other people will not understand. I was dragging my feet because what God was asking me to do didn't make sense. Others will not miraculously understand exactly what you are doing.
-what other people think doesn't matter ... and it's probably part of what's holding you back.
-the healing process hurts. And allowing that hurt to come has been one of the hardest parts.
-living the hurtful things of our lives in 1st person takes courage.
-accountability and confession are not punishments, they are privileges.
-hurt is the perfect wallpaper paste for sticking lies up around the walls of our minds.
-His Truth is better than a tiger with a Downy chaser when you're trying to tear down the lie-clad wallpaper that assaults your heart.
-this is a journey and it's taken some time to get here, it's going to take some time to get home.

Monday, May 3, 2010

This Weekend ...

I needed order. I am feeling an INTENSE need to be in control of something.

I have a school year that is coming to an end with AJ ... and I think it means the end of our homeschooling career. We re-evaluate every year about this time- but this year- everyone thinks its time for a shift. Never has that 'feeling' lasted so late into the spring.
My heart yearns for the security that comes with things staying the same. High school is one thing ... High School in a physical building where he's gone all day brings a lump to my throat that I can hardly contain at this moment.

I have several friendships that seem to be changing ... that in and of itself is hard for me. But then there's one friendship that is particularly precious that is changing such dramatic fashion that feels like grieving a death. It's over the course of miles and so there are days that can pass without having to face it ... but not really. Everyday as I have my quiet time and begin to pray for those who are dear to me her face flutters by my heart and the hurt wells up ... daring me to look at it for more than a moment and not be overwhelmed by it.

I'm finishing a Bible Study tomorrow ... more change. No consistency or accountability is not good for me. I need that kind of setting to keep me on track in my Walk ... What does that say about me? I care more about what other people think than just simply being accountable to God for spending time with Him ... which btw- I do love, but somehow get sidetracked from when push comes to shove and things get busy!

My husband is in the remodeling/house building business ... we survived the initial hit on the economy. But things are beginning to catch up to us. I think I'll just leave it at that, but I am feeling very out of control in this area.

Sleep and fewer horomones (or more?) ... surrender ... that might help. ahem ... surrender ... that hits my heart hard but true.

Thankfulness



There is a lesson far greater in this post than in one I am capable of creating today ...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I can't remember the last time ...

i slept until 9:30 ... especially when I was in bed before 10 the night before.

When Randy woke me at 6 this morning and asked what time do you want to get up- he claims I was emphatic that I planned to sleep until noon. It felt good to wake when my body chose to wake instead of allowing a wretched buzzer to dictate when I have 'rested enough.'

When I woke I read two chapters of the new Francine Rivers book ... loving it but rarely find time to read. Took a loonnnggg shower - and really, I didn't even want to go downstairs. I knew that life would kick in when I took step 13 and hit the tile floor- and then there would be breakfast to fix, dishes to clean up, lunch to be considered and laundry to do.

I wonder sometimes if I am such a poor manager of my time that I end up in such a rush. I have friends who seem to manage to do multiple activities, their house is clean, their laundry is caught up, their husband content and their kids manage to have their projects done a week ahead of time (seems there should be a Garrison Keillor sighting soon) ...

Not me- my laundry looks like it's been exploded out of a cannon throughout my house ... there are dishes in my sink from breakfast, I mopped yesterday but who would ever know and I have no idea what we're having for lunch or supper-and I guarantee that my guys will want both!

Consequently, I am already tired again. Something is going to have to go. If I'm going to try to re-enter the classroom next fall- I've got to figure out how to streamline life. How to say no ... I've gone through seasons like this before. Seasons where I'm expending more than I'm taking in ... and it ends badly everytime. Exhaustion/Shutdown/Disconnect ...

I'd like to do it better this time.

So tomorrow after Biology- if it isn't raining- I'm going to ride my bicycle. Even if it's inconvenient for someone else. Even if it means someone else has to wait. Even if it means lunch is later than preferred.