Does that bring God Glory?

Today I might have heard some of the best parenting advice I've heard in a long time! During a funeral of all things ... the Lord answered a question I've been struggling with lately ... how do I answer my son who is about to go to college when he asks "permission" ... I add the quotation marks because we've moved to the place where he asks but it's likely he's going to do what he wants. Quite honestly, that's making me crazy ... HOWEVER, saying to him I don't care was both a lie and hurt his feelings(that's got enough in it for a whole other blog) ... so I have been asking the Lord for an honorable response.

The advice consisted of this ... when the request is made (and that is the honorable thing to do) ... the response is no longer yes or no, but rather ... it points the person asking in the right direction ... you see there's a pretty good measure for things we do ... our purpose in this life is to bring God Glory ... so it's perfectly reasonable to ask your child(student, friends, spouse) this question ... "Will that bring God glory?" And then the ball is in their court ... I'm no longer responsible for several things ... I am no longer putting my growing up child in the position of being disobedient ... I am no longer trying to read motives ... I've moved responsibility from me to him ... but ultimately, I've done just what I've hoped to do since he was 6 weeks old ... I've put him in the position of answering to the Lord ... it was my whole purpose in teaching first time obedience, in singing Bible songs, listening to thousands of hours of adventures in Oddessy, VeggieTales, traveling to youth group youth choir and summer camp ... it's what I've spent hours praying about ... I wanted him to learn to follow the Lord ... not me. I'm broken, at best. I want so much more for this sweet young man that has been entrusted to me than I can give him!!! Will he decide differently than I would choose? Yes. He. Will. Will he miss the mark ... um ... yeah. So will I! But it lets him see my heart, hear my expectation and bridge this season of our life together with His Grace!
So today, I feel more equipped. And it's such a simple yet profound plan ...

How does this happen??

as I journey through this parenting thing ... parenting an older teen ... one about to leave for college ... I am ever reminded of how the Lord teaches me His most powerful lessons through my own parenting.

I anxiously awaited the return from his first camp where he was the leader yesterday ... only to be met with his ... other plans. Plans that didn't include filling me in on the joys, the lessons, the good stuff of camp ... he only had time to drop off his dirty laundry, make known his needs (food) and then he was out of here without even a goodbye. 

Insert public service announcement ... before anyone thinks I just don't get what it means to be a teenager ... I do. Stick with me ... this isn't about bashing my kid, it's about exposing MY sin. 

My feelings were ... hurt! I wanted to hear about his time away ... I was genuinely interested in what had happened in his life. Honestly, some of it I'd heard through the grapevine ... and some of it was regular everyday boy stuff that happens in the midst of camp ... 

but I WANTED to hear from him. I LONGED to hear from him. Not because I wanted the details of his life, but because I wanted to hear his heart. 

And, honestly, I wanted to hear it first. Before it was contaminated by the reactions and interruptions of another. Before someone had a chance to snatch the seed from the ground. Before the joy was covered up by something counterfeit. 

Last night, he sat with us sharing cursory details ... but clearly distracted. 

I went to bed asking the Lord,  "How does this happens?" 

He woke me this morning with a picture of myself ... my time with Him ... my want to run to my best friend to see what SHE thinks ... my want to be comforted by someone HERE ... my DISTRACTIONS and my CURSORY DETAILS ... my INCESSANT list of needs without any regard to just lingering in the presence of the one who loves me best ... without distraction ... adoration on my lips that sinks to the very core of my being ...  

How readily do I run to the waiting eyes, arms or platitudes of another ... forsaking my first love?Basking in the momentary satisfaction of attention, only to return and do it all again another day?? 

My heart echoed yesterday with, "don't you remember that I'm the one who paved the way for this ... got up and took you by myself to Dayton ... interceded for you every moment you were there ... love you more than my own life?" 

And today my heart echoed with "don't you remember that my blood paved the way ... I went all the way up Calvary's Hill, just for you, all alone ... I sit at the right-hand of the Father making intercession for you every moment of your life ... I love you still more than my own life, you know, the one I gave for you freely ..." 

And then bowed in conviction ... 

You see, my aching, abandoned as a child, betrayed by those who were supposed to protect her heart ... OFTEN cries out for someone who will choose her. And yet, because of my own propensity for approval ... tangible affirmation ... I go looking for flesh and bone to tell me I'm good enough, smart enough, worthy enough ... 

instead of sitting at the feet of the only One who is really able meet all of those needs. Telling Him my hurts before they are clouded by the world. Sharing the excitement of the day before it is trivialized by the world. Asking Him for guidance before I ask someone else to pray. Being still and present long enough for Him to pour out real love, real blessing and real comfort on my head like anointed oil straight from Heaven before I try to fill the longing. Talking to Him, before I talk about Him. 

How does this happen???

                ... I begin to believe the lie that someone else, something else can fill the gap. I allow counterfeit to compel me ... and substitutes to satisfy. 

And I am left ...

Empty 

Searching for more at the end of the day in dry or contaminated wells, equally broken cisterns and so often ... mirages. 

Oh God, be the Living Water my soul longs for in this wilderness we call life. Let me seek You first, Your Kingdom ... knowing that all these things will be added because of your Great Love. 

I Am Not the one ... But I know the One

I love the whole story of John the Baptist. Especially that he is Jesus’ cousin. Remember back to Luke 1:39-45 when Mary visits Elizabeth. John leapt in her womb and she was filled with the Holy Spirit! Now I don’t know about you, but one of the greatest joys in life has come in the presence of cousins. My sister and I are significantly older than our cousins who lived closest to us. Each time we would visit, they would bounce with joy that we were coming. We adored them and they knew it. My son is an only child and as a young boy, there was nothing like a visit from his 4 cousins. He would beg for them to come stay the night … just to be in their presence was all he wanted. The five of them would snuggle in on the bed, I would turn on the songs of childhood and they would giggle long into the night. The bond was undeniable. And so it was with John, the presence of his cousin, the long awaited Messiah, caused him to do flips in him mama’s tummy.


         But as I have studied John recently I have been struck by this fact, John didn’t come saying “I am the cousin of the one for whom we have been waiting!” He could have told the story he had surely heard at his mother’s knee a dozen times about how he leapt when Mary walked in the room. He could have told of how he received the call to announce the coming Christ. He could have spoken about all he had witnessed as they played in the fields together, talking late into the night among the stars. Rather, he came humbly professing all … that he … was … not. “I am not the Christ. I am not Elijah. I am not a prophet… ” When at last John declared boldly who he was using the words of Isaiah the prophet, he said, “I am the voice of the one calling in the desert, Make straight the way for the Lord.”


Isn’t that the call for each of us, to be the voice in the desert, making straight the way for the Lord?

         This world is surely a desert. Loneliness in the midst of a hyper-connected world is rampant. Dangers hiding in the shadows, mirages promising living water and miles that stretch out for years leaving us wondering if there is life anywhere among us. The neediness that requires filling mounts before us like drifting sand. And our soul is filled with a sense of knowing that time is growing short. We must find our way to refuge. Real refuge. Not a fill-a-momentary-need substitute. But a Psalms-sized refuge ...

         As we journey together in our Summer In Psalms, Pastor Brad brought a powerful Father's Day message that chiseled away at my own heart. His message talked about how as parents we fearfully face the truth that we will injure our children. It's not a matter of 'if' but of 'when' ... and the daunting reality is that until we admit we will never be the one who can meet every need, our failures will always be stumbling blocks for those we love. You see, parents will lose a job that keeps them from paying for college. Sins of the past may shock and disappoint a child because the circumstances of 25 years ago don't match the message of today. Saying yes may require that a parent deny what God's word says ... and so no seems the constant answer. And all of a sudden ... I am simply not enough to meet all of his needs.

Those are real battles at my house this summer.

 Brad's "take away phrase" was

                            I am not the one, but I know the One who is ...

let that settle for a moment.

I am not enough.

And this time, I don't have any way in the whole world to fake it or pretend that I am the one who can make this right.

Failure grabs at me in the night.

But the truth is ... I can't improve enrollment and secure a job. And I while I can do my part and apply. This season is in God's hands. Forgiveness and understanding for what was in the past ... that too is for the Lord to work through. And as for trying to make right what is clearly wrong ... well, that's sorta the easy one in this scenario. I am definitely not the one.

But last night as darkness threatened to grip me, Brad's words rang true.

I AM NOT THE ONE

You see, I should have followed John's lead ... I'm not the Messiah. I'm not Elijah. I'm not a prophet ... he recognized and embraced the fact that he was not the one!!

I am not the one. But I know the One who is.

In my marriage ... I am not the one.
In my parenting ... I am not the one.
In my job ... I am not the one.
In my friendships ... I am not the one.

I can only do my very best to never hinder others from the One ... so I am mindful. But not responsible.

MY HEART

When I don't know where else to go ...

I escape into the world of a book.

The past week or so I have been entrenched in the era of slavery and abolition ... contemplating the spectacular writing ...

The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd is nothing short of a wonderful read. Discovering in the author's notes at the end that it was based on sisters who lived in Charleston near The Battery, sent my mind reeling into it's own stories. Just a week and a few days ago, I wandered those same such streets ... Aaron and I looked at the houses and put together stories of the people who lived there. Pretending. And yet this morning I am reminded that the best stories aren't pretend, even if they are somewhat fictional. The best stories are the ones we can find our place in ... the one where we can cause ourselves and our readers to wonder where reality ends and fiction begins.

Then, because I am still don't really know where else to go ... I open a book by Staci Eldridge's Discovering God's Dream of You ... I've had this book for a while and I really thought that the title was discovering God's dream FOR you ... but as I read through only a few short pages this morning, I flipped back through the table of contents to find something ... more ... personal. Personal enough that I'm not sure this is the day I will jump in with both feet ... She has already recounted a story where she is at a spa ... the ever daunting "one-size-fits-all" robe is delivered ... she's instructed on the procedures at the spa which include taking off all her clothes ... and already ... I know where this is going. And my breath catches in my throat ... and I realize that it isn't my breath, it's bile ... just thinking about humiliation brings things to my remembrance that over the course of years I have never spoken to anyone. As I've gotten older, I've been able to laugh about 'fat injections' as being the way to prevent wrinkling. This recollection for her, allows God to open up a part of my heart that I work very hard to close off ... and it may seem something as vain as my weight ... but in reality it's the lingering question that happens every time life shifts me into something different ...

Why don't I have victory here? Why haven't I been able to maintain lasting change? What is wrong with me?

Her questions sting. They cause me to look deep into myself and admit that I'm asking the same thing.

My job has ended it seems at the school where I have poured my time and energy for the past 4 years doesn't have a place for me next year. Enrollment is down ... I get that.

The job that is not longer there took every ounce of time and energy I had. The friendships that I had maintained for years have hardly a pulse left in them ... and it's my own fault. Life goes on ... I get that.

My only son is graduating. He really sorta started leaving this year. He is walking out this growing up thing with deliberation ... and while I am well-aware of how important it is for him to pull away ... I wasn't quite ready. I'm not sure if I would ever have been ready though. It's time for him to go ... I get that.

What I don't get ... is what to do now with all those "things" that life has so adeptly kept at bay for the better part of 25 years. Jobs, a husband, a son, friends, church ... all things that have kept me incredibly busy for my entire adult life ... are now ... changing. And I am lost.

So I'm back to the question that pulled me up short ... right here in my comfy couch this morning ... What was God's Dream OF me?

I'm wondering if I can stand to be still long enough to let him show me ...

The story He has been writing on the pages of my life isn't unfamiliar to many. But it is uncomfortable to most. It's a story where I'm finding my place ... deciding how much of the reality that seems like fiction to let go of ... and how much fiction will sugar-coat the important lessons so that they are digestible, if not palatable.

I guess this summer will be comprised of finding and letting go all at the same time.

INTRODUCTION

this is my story

this is my song

praising my savior

all the day long