Friday, April 30, 2010

Funny how I thought it would be ...

much harder. After all, UNBELIEF seems like such a loaded and charged word.

and it is ...

But it was as difficult and simple as a change of mind and heart simultaneously ... but miraculously ... without a Loving Heavenly Father to guide the process- it would not have occurred. Without the diligent prayer of a precious Earthly sister who promised to stand in the gap for me until I could believe it myself ... well, surrender might have never come.

The experience was as tangible as I've ever had in my relationship with the Lord. His Spirit was alive and present-

Once you believe, I don't think you can unbelieve again ...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

A call made this morning ...

to a homeschool mama who faces hardships that I can only imagine. A diagnosis for her son that I cannot even begin to spell or recount on this post, but which requires a watchful eye during every waking hour ... and she works a full-time job at night to enable her family to treat her son's illness in the best possible ways.

Unfailing Love

My job today was to listen and encourage her to pursue a less structured homeschool umbrella program. We could accommodate her needs, but somehow I was hearing her heart speak between her words- and she was hung up on not meeting ALL the requirements of our umbrella program. Standardized testing ... curriculum choices ... determining appropriate academic levels ...

All this mom longs to do is hear her child's voice. He's trapped inside a body that won't allow him to speak ...

The least of her worries should be how someone else judges how they are doing life. But she does. I could feel the pain across the phone lines. The fear of things not getting better- but more than that the fear of others thinking she wasn't doing enough and it was her fault things aren't getting better ... based on just those kinds of accusations from professionals.

As I sat praying ... "Lord, what would you have me say to just minister to her heart? Not just calm her academic fears, not just encourage her to keep on going ... but Lord, what would allow her heart to be less burdened than before I called?"

Honestly, I didn't expect an answer. Because I'm struggling with Him myself. I'm in Week 8 of Breaking Free and now the charge is to integrate feelings into the mix ... and I'm in trouble here.

So, the following conversation ensued ...

"Pray with her."
"Lord, I can't remember her name ..."
"Pray with her."
"Lord, please, have her mention her own name!"
"Pray with her."
"Lord, she's already feeling like people don't listen to her and I CAN'T REMEMBER HER NAME!"
"I know her name. Pray with her."

our conversation went on and I said to her "If there are people who are accusing you of not doing enough or simply give you the pat answer of "The Lord will never give you more than you can handle ... "

and the words started flying from her mouth- truth, hurt, fear, anger, frustration, weariness ...

"Katie, can I just pray with you?"

"LORD, where did that come from?"

"Pray with her. I told you I know her name."

And with a trembling voice she said, "Would you really?"

And His Words left my mouth in ways I know had nothing to do with me. I believe the Lord used that moment to soothe Katie.

And to teach me.
Remind me.

Thank You Father that I can still hear Your voice in the midst of the angry, loud voices that seem to be drowning You out in my circumstance.
Thank You for Your faithfulness in the midst of my storm.
Thank You for the gentle reminder of how blessed I am.
Thank You that You know Katie's name.
And you know mine too.

Saturday, April 17, 2010


I'm just posting this because I can ... because it makes me think of my snowed in visit to Indiana and ... well, the refuge that it has been so many times in my life.

I'm not sure why today ...

but as i sat at the baseball field I felt time slipping away ...

I was innundated by memories of my little boy on every field(or court or pool or whatever) of dreams we'd ever taken him to ...

I realized anew that next year, that little boy that I carried (key music to Sunrise, Sunset) would wander into life as a high schooler.

It remains to be seen whether or not he'll remain homeschooled or the Lord will open a different door for us ... but there was a pull at my heart that I didn't recognize

Before, it has been a pull to draw him nearer, to make more memories, to do more things together ... hunker down, as the old midwestern saying goes.

This time, the pull that I felt was as if something was being drawn right out of the very center of my body-

as if I were taking a part of myself out and handing it over to someone.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

It's worth considering ...

She sits at home because the last 50 times she's been asked- she said no. But her heart still cries out to be wanted- to be asked- to be included.

She's a mother.
a wife.
a friend.
a daughter of the King who has lost her way.

She's hurt.
She's angry.
She's confused.

She longs to be pursued.

She longs to be wanted by someone who isn't asking for something in return:

a perfect marriage,
perfect children,
perfect bank account,
perfect clothes,
perfect answers,
perfect church attendance,
perfect volunteer record,
perfect faith ...

things she simply is powerless to produce ...

and yet, we ask it of her anyway.

But why? Because we are trying so hard to pretend that we have it all together that we're afraid that kind of transparency will topple our house of cards??

It's time to reach the one who's crying out and yet has no voice.

Will you listen for the silence?

Will I?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Bible Study Last night ...

I don't know how many people I know went through Beth Moore's Breaking Free 10 years ago ... but it's a bunch! I barely started it 10 years ago ... and then I went halfway through about 7 years ago ... and this time I started again with a renewed sense of "I've got to do it this time ... peppered by a healthy dose of J--- will kick my butt if I don't finish!"

This has been hard. But, last night concluded Week 6.


The title was "Ashes from Beauty"

If you've read any of my blog it isn't hard to figure out ... there are ashes to be found. Some from fires started around me, some on top of me and other's as Beth stated in the video that I flatly struck the match myself.

As I gathered my gray sweatshirt around me on that chilly (seems like a month ago now) day just last week) I was assaulted by memories as I trudged through the story of Tamar in II Samuel. I've read the story before ... but this time ...

this time the words

'rape'
'brother'
'disgrace'
'be quiet now'

they assaulted me.

It's been a long journey from remembering to realizing.

Remembering occurred when I could no longer hold the monster at bay. 1985.

Realization has occurred across the space of 24 years ... And I've really fought it most of the way ... trying to only realize the facts.

This is what happened.
This is where I was.
This is how old I was.
This is when it finally stopped.
This is how it has impacted my life.
This is how I dealt with the reality that I was never a virgin.

It was very clinical- I could recount my story in an interview sort of way that disconnected me from the reality of it all.

Somehow that isn't working for me anymore.

Somewhere along the way I realized that it happened-

to me.

I've told a couple more people.
and I don't feel so alone.

So I've admitted some details.
and I feel known.
Now I've felt some of the grief.
and I feel exposed, but somehow more alive.


But I'm trying to allow myself the room to find my 'little girl dreams' again. Knowing that they were really squelched before they even had a chance to form.

I didn't really dream of being a bride. (In truth, when someone calls me Randy's bride, it makes me feel self-conscious and awkward - and somehow unworthy).

I didn't really dream of being beautiful. (I had far to many people around telling me that I was the smart one and my sister was the pretty one).

I didn't really dream of being a mommy. (But I've said it before and I'll say it again, God's gift of AJ was the lifeline to salvaging my life ... evidence that God must really have some purpose for me).

And I certainly never dreamed there would be anything similar to happily ever after. (I was content to whisper at the end of the day, wow- made it through again).

I'm trying to embrace the notion that I'll be so much better healed than I ever would have been just well. I pray ...

and then I get down on my face and pray some more.