The Scarlet Thread

Weaving through time ... connecting past to present ... clarifying what was foretold with what has come to pass ...

we each have a choice. Will we let Him do His handiwork in our lives, or will we resist.

I am finding that in the resistance comes

regret.

In the refining comes

redemption.

Pastor Scott said today that to redeem something means to buy it back.

To buy back ...

could it be that if I will allow this scarlet thread to become evident in my own life, that Jesus could buy back what was lost? What was tossed aside? What was hoped for but never came to pass? What was stripped away?

I don't mean that any of the tangible things that are now gone will be returned.

But I am trusting Jesus to redeem some of the most precious things that have been taken.

Only He can Redeem perfectly!! 

So often I come to the keyboard still working out what’s on my heart. I know it shows some days. And sometime, my words don’t do what I set out to do when I started this blog and that is to encourage.



Today might start out looking that way … but today the Lord taught me something important. Funny, less than an hour ago it was something I knew was there, but I was willing to live with and wanted the Lord to live with too.


This isn’t a neat little story that starts out once upon a time … it’s a convoluted twisting of my life -past and present.


When I woke this morning I was wide awake. I didn’t want to be … I wanted to see AJ off to school, crawl back into bed, take a Nyquil, pull the covers over my head until time to go to Bible Study tonight and put on a happy face … ignoring the fact that we have a God-sized hole in a particular account in our life. Denying that there are needs.


I woke to scenes of devastation only miles from our home. A tornado ripped through a community where there are people we know and love … most of whom have texted this morning. So as I watched there was this horrible battle within me that I have been trying to wade through for a couple of months, as I’ve seen our deficit building … I was certain it was greed. Selfishness. Jealousy. Materialism.


Could I not look upon this destruction and be thankful?? Really, I’m still going to pout? Really??

I’ve really been quite disappointed in myself. Because for most of my life it hasn’t been about who has the most toys. And in my heart I couldn’t even really wrap my brain around why I was being impacted by our lack of vacation, my lack of someone to clean my house, my inability to go buy AJ a new shoes, new shorts because he has outgrown every pair he has … the feeling I couldn’t even put a name on as it swelled so huge in my chest. I’ve laid it before the Lord. Am I just jealous?? Is that it? Jealous really doesn’t fit Lord, but is that it?? It wasn’t like the ‘thing’ that seemed to consume me even made that much difference in my heart. But I have even confessed parts of it to friends and felt zero confirmation in my heart beyond the fact that it is important to be content in our circumstances

- which is a Biblical truth and ought ring true not just when we are out of compliance but at all times!


Because it is TRUTH.


Does that make sense?? I was looking at the truth of contentment to be the remedy to the root problem of jealousy.

But it wasn’t impacting the root … that strange feeling was still there.

Unbelief? It’s always my fall back sin. Is my faith not strong enough? But Lord, I have seen Your hand … I know You work. I KNOW … I believe. Truly I do.


What is it that lingers as I say that … it isn’t doubt that He knows … it isn’t doubt that He will work …

this morning as Randy recounted the needs to me, there it was again. That feeling.


When Randy asked this morning, “Do you not believe God is going to come through?” I said yes. But there it was again. That feeling…

And after I sat with tears I couldn’t hide from him streaming in anger and frustration I sent the following series of texts …
Ok … today is a test and with tears streaming down my face and a knowledge in my head that there is no earthly way out of this mess … I am confessing with my mouth and believing in my fearful heart that God will provide a way … some way for us … I’m not standing mad today … I’m just standing like that little girl waiting on her daddy to show up … hoping beyond hope that he will come quickly.

An assurance came :

Amy He will and one day u will look back and reflect on just how amazing He really is!!


And then my heart really surfaced …

I’m holding on to that and deciding to believe but I am telling you that this morning … it is the same feeling as sitting on the curb waiting for my daddy to show up … the panic that set in my chest as the minutes tick by and I was still waiting … neighbors coming to check … and the humiliation of being left there again … I was faithful to my dad to a fault … I can’t be more faithful than God … He has to be working something out in me, right?

You need to forgive him.

Um … I don’t think so God. NO

More of my heart:
I can choose right … I don’t have to feel it … I can choose to believe … belief isn’t an emotion.

I think I need to forgive my dad.

I really don’t want to do this Lord. I’ll live with this one. He’s there, I’m here. Our lives have nothing to do with one another.

Confirmation came …the one I wanted. Truth … good, solid truth.


Amy I think you hit it! It (belief) is a choice. U can choose to believe a positive or a negative. I choose to believe the best instead of the worst.
And my heart is further exposed …


Believing the worst simply points to my fear of the worst … I never loved anyone like I loved my dad. And it’s been a long time since I let those words out of my mouth … but the realization of the magnitude of what he did started a root of bitterness that I have been refusing to look at more than a glance and I need to forgive I knew it as I was texting you this morning and said no in my heart. He brought me back to it in scripture-immediately.

Mark 11: 23-26.

There it was … forgive … His favor, His answer, His blessing all dependant up on forgiving.


I took a brief detour to look at a friend’s splinter in the eye … but it pointed my own out so clearly.

Maybe now we’re nearing the root? unforgiveness? seriously?

My tendency to look for the worst points to my greatest fear … That I won’t be loved. That I will be abandoned. That I will be left behind for someone else more important/more fun/prettier/skinnier/smarter/more talented. That I wouldn’t be tough/rough/strong enough. That I will not be enough. That I will not be taken care … and it will happen publicly, for everyone to see … again.


You see, I’ve lived a lifetime saying it didn’t matter.
Didn’t matter that we had crummy clothes.

Didn’t matter that we couldn’t go cool places.

Didn’t matter that my teeth ached.

Didn't matter that my glasses needed replacing.

Didn’t matter that I had to steal.

Didn’t matter that I didn’t have my physical needs met.

Didn’t matter that I didn’t have my spiritual and emotional needs met.


Did

Not

Matter


Stamping my foot at my past and saying I will not let it defeat me. I will not let it win. In my more noble, spiritual moments, I would add some trite, if God can use this it will make it ok. But the truth was, nothing could make the things that happened ok. And, with a stockpile of memories that remind my heart that it can’t trust anyone …

I began to trying to believe …

but what I believed was that He would work.

He would do what He was going to do.


And my being taken care of … well, it wasn’t very important to Him.


After all, look at all the times He’d ‘taken care of me before’ … and so I wait for God to let me down. Just like my earthly father had done over and over.


I wait for Randy to let me down.

I wait for my Mom to let me down.

I wait for Dad to let me down.

I wait for my sister to let me down.

I wait for dear friends to let me down.
Let me down. Choose against me. Leave me out. Prefer someone else over me. Take care of her … him … them … but not me.
Guard the heart of another while hanging mine out to dry.

In silence, knowing …

 I would wait.

At first glance you might think, how manipulative.
What a set up!

What a rotten thing to do.


Well, let me just tell you, that picture isn’t really accurate … I wasn’t sitting back saying … wonder if they’ll do what I want this time.

100% of the time, I was sitting back with the enemy squarely in my ear hearing him say,


“don’t you wish you could tell them what you want … what you need(u r so weak)?? They will let you down and you will look stupid to everyone-remember how Mr. and Mrs. Sharp would sit on the front porch and watch you wait. You were pathetic- you are pathetic. They’ll tell everyone how needy you are …they’ll make fun of you behind your back … they’ll stop calling … they’ll stop caring. If they wanted to see you, help you, be with you, be there for you … they would. You know, you’ve never been important enough to care for … You aren’t their responsibility. Depend upon that Heavenly Father of yours that is so able to supply!! Just wait on HIM … remember how that worked out so well when you were a kid“


Can you feel the venom that came through each and every word? I can almost feel the spit, hot and searing, flying through his teeth as quickly as the accusations against these people I love.

It built that feeling in me. And that feeling was finally revealed clearly to me this morning as I sat crying, texting, reading …

You see … that feeling is the one that stokes the burning fire in the 12 year old little girl voice … it is dread and embarrassment and angst and anger and frustration and shame and guilt and fear and questions … wrapped in a dirty blue t-shirt with a bound chest, trying to be something I couldn’t be … trying to be enough … trying to be needed even if it was to clean up vomit and beer … trying to be wanted even if the need wasn’t one a daughter should fulfill … trying to stay out of the line of fire and wanting attention all in one swift motion of time that was as fleeting as the need that was pressing.


Silence that was overwhelming.

And for the 12 year old little girl. The worst happened.

His alcoholism allowed an uncle that wasn’t trustworthy to have access to my sister and I in unthinkable ways. It distorted … it robbed me of innocence and purity. It took my security … and it destroyed in me hope.

“She was 40 when she was 4” … is so accurate. I did not play. I did not pretend. It was just too risky!!


The irony today is … what I expect, creates behavior in me that often results in just what I fear happening. The need goes unspoken, so the need goes unmet. If I‘m really honest, the need isn’t just unspoken, often it is boldly covered over and denied in the face of honest, discerning inquiry. Covered with the heart cries of a 12 year old little girl in me that is stronger-willed than the 43 year old woman voice I struggle to find some days, saying “I don’t need anyone!”

And it is a lie.
But today, it is time to lay it down. To forgive.
I forgive you for not providing for me. I forgive you for not picking me. I forgive you for not showing up … over and over. I forgive you that your choices robbed me of my innocence. I forgive you that you left me alone. I forgive you that you made me hate being a girl. I forgive you that you wanted a son. I forgive you that I almost don’t know how to dream. I forgive you that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what if … I forgive you. And I choose to lay it down and not hold it against you anymore. I choose. Period.

Lord Jesus, Help me to rest in the face of this forgiveness. Help me to rest knowing that you have my past, present and future in your hand. Help me to release my dad from the consequences of his choices. If my unforgiveness is what is preventing your blessings from flowing into our family, please release Randy and AJ from the grip of my sin!! I confess right now I have harbored unforgiveness and bitterness in an effort to protect my heart. I release the protection of my heart into Your hands. Forgive me for eing afraid that You aren't going to show up! We need you to come to our rescue! Help me to write these God Stories ... because it is in the God Story that Your faithfulness is shown ... in the face of the enemy's attack ... in the face of worldly circumstances that are hard ... when life doesn't make sense! It's where your Glory shines!

on the way to school ... my word 2011

On the way to school this morning K-Love encouraged us to think on our "word" ... last year I was more deliberate about a word that I focused on ... I got distracted this year, never followed through on my commitment and didn't complete and trade prayer cards, did really seek the Lord for a word or concept for the year. Initially, I was convicted by it, but just like every other sin ... whether it is a deliberate sin or a sin of omission (one I fail to do that I know God has called me to do) ... I just put it away. And it remained unconfessed sin.

On Sunday, Scott called us to examine our lives ... I had to confess some unforgiveness over several issues ... it was the big thing in my heart that I felt like I had to lay down to be able to approach Communion with a clean heart. I realized on the way in ... regardless of whether I was to trade cards with anyone else ... I knew this was a practice the Lord had called me to ... and I ignored the fact that He wanted me to use the task to do some self-reflection. This morning I realized that I hadn't done it. I've wandered through the first four months of the year, seeking to fulfill a ministry, doing a daily quiet time (relatively faithfully), attending church regularly, requesting prayers as needs lay me low ... but I have not sought the Father's heart for what it is He wants to do in me this year ... or this month ... or this week ... or this day.

Conviction. Because I texted these very words yesterday in a fit ... and it was quite literally a fit! A dear friend said to me "Amy, I believe the Lord has u!" and my response was that I believe He has me, but I'm not at all sure what He's trying to accomplish right now ... and it hurts.

At several points yesterday I in some exasperation, asked Him just that. "What are you trying to accomplish here?"

How could I possibly know what it is He is trying to accomplish if I don't ask ... and somehow, even in my less than active listening state, He spoke.

I also sent a text yesterday that I am ready for Deliverance.

In the midst of more crazy stuff yesterday, my attitude sunk. I wished for escape. I was confronted by the sinfulness of that! I was reminded of parents who hoped and prayed to watch their children grow ... and the Lord placed them in my path today ... and those 3 precious children exited a van that a mama,  whom the Lord called home, wanted to be driving ... occupied by a husband who lay in bed alone last night and does it on his own everyday. I was overwhelmed.

I had to confess my selfishness. I've spent far too many days lately wanting to do what I wanted to do. Wanting to not have to do while the doing is hard.

I walked into a conversation with someone I work with saying ... "I feel so convicted ... I look around so often and say 'I wish ... I want .. Why can't I have ...'

and really I just had to walk away because I know in my heart I've been there for too many days in the past few months.

I had to confess my greed. Money is tight right now. And it isn't that I want extravagant things. But I want things I do not have the resources to have right now.

I opened a book and the title is the emptier, fuller life ... and again ... I am humbled. How much emptiness will the Lord have to force upon me before I turn out my pockets, full of hidden sins and selfish desires, willing to be content with what He has so graciously provided?? Will I take them out as they are and offer them ... or will I demand to be forced.

My word for the year ... I thought it was going to be Deliverance.

I wanted it to be ... and then I was reminded ... ask.

Lord, what do you want my word to be?

Contentment ...

"Really Lord?"

"Yes ..."

"Lord, I can't even go to __________ without it causing upheaval ... I need to go to the __________ ... "

"I want you to learn, Contentment."

Phil 4:12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

oh and 13 ... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ...

through Christ ...

He will strengthen ...

me.

3 lifelines today ...

and I needed them.

And I don't mean the kind that come when you are playing Who Wants To Be a Millionaire ... but oh how appropriate that would be during this season.

You see ... I've been skating on thin ice emotionally, spiritually for several days. I've spent time in the Word. I've been outside. I've spent time talking to the Father. But the reality of what lies ahead for us in a couple of areas, but one in particular, well, it's quite overwhelming. My knowledge that God is in control is in tact, but my knowledge that I can withstand what it's going to take to get through ... is wavering. It's taking a toll on my sleep ... it's taking a toll on my patience ... it's taking a toll on my display of the fruits of the spirit in my walk ... it's made some weary of this journey ... it's made others question whether I"m no a journey at all ... and for some, well, I can't help but know that they will snicker in the peanut gallery as it all comes to pass.

And this morning, the reality became pretty evident ... unless God does something God-sized for us. The consequences will indeed come to pass.

And the ice broke ... as a matter of fact, it shattered ... I was drowning. But needed to keep it together for those around me. In my visual mind ... I see me like a bobber with arms ... just trying to stay on top of the water ... but as soon as I was alone ... the fish ran ... and I sank.

The text offering to actually come get  me for the ladies gather came after I'd spent 2 hours in tears this morning and was just finishing getting dressed. The next text for coffee instead of a large gathering was more what I felt I could manage this morning. It gave me just enough room to let go of part of what was suffocating me. After just a few minutes lingering around the circumstances of life, came some plain ole in the Word digging. It was not looking for Truth to cover my circumstances, but Truth just the same.In talking about the Word, it reconnected my heart to the Father ... and some of my confidence resurfaced from under ...  it was during the brief finishing moments of our conversation that the first lifeline came and it sounded something like this ...

God can use us BECAUSE of our circumstances, not just in spite of them.

Does the truth and freedom of that grab you the way that it did me this morning. I don't constantly have to keep looking over my shoulder wondering will anybody find out what I did ... as long as along the way I'm constantly pointing to what God has done!  Because the enemy whispers in my ear and screams all at the same time ... lies. I know they're lies most of the time ... but why are they louder than the truth even in the whispers? That is a question I am asking these days a lot.

The second lifeline came in my google reader box ... Marisa spoke clearly about what I've wanted all day long. A do-over. Could I just do some things over ... her words spoke just what my heart longs for in the childlike fashion of a kickball game ... and yet my adult mind continually reminds me that there are no such things as do overs. And this lifeline came with a life preserver on the end of it ... Lysa Terkeurst's post about I Under-stand absolutely blew me away. After weeks of struggling with trying to explain myself ... trying to wade through ... trying to define what's wrong ... and finally just giving in to the weight of knowing I am really crazy and saying nevermind ... I found the answer in this quote where Lysa is speaking to a friend ...

"I simply under-stand.
Under… to dip low and find that same place that lies beneath my outside veneer.
We all have an under.
And I admit, “I’ve felt mean so many times too. I’ve set out to have a super day with my kids only to be red faced and aggravated minutes later. Buckling under the weight of my imperfections, I’ve wondered if I’ll ever get it right. It sometimes feels like all the other moms are doing it better. But that’s not true. All moms struggle.”
Stand… to come alongside in a position of strength, closeness, and unwavering support.
We all need those friends who we know will stand right with us.
And I reassure, “Somehow, God shows us how and fills in the gaps if we ask Him. The fact you’re crying shows a heart tender enough for God’s molding and shaping to occur. Don’t listen to the world’s answers. And don’t fall into the trap of trying to be like other moms. Just saturate yourself in God’s truth and trust the gut instincts He gives you.”

My husband will sometimes accuse  me of wanting to be right.
But the truth is ...
even if I'm dead wrong ...
and sometimes I am ...
um, really, lots of times I am ...

I just want to be understood.
I want to be known.
I want to know that I'm not crazy, that it makes sense that I feel the way I do, even if the feeling is wrong.
You see, my issue isn't a mommy issue right now, it's a deep-seeded insecurity issue.
Who is going to ever take care of me?
And while the quick, Sunday School answer is God.
And the right answer is God ...
And the reality is God is the only one who can do that every time,
consistently,
completely ...

I need to be understood.

My heart cried out silently last night as I lay my head on my pillow asking why.

And this morning He answered ...

with a friend who spoke to my heart and got it ... and even now doesn't know what the most pressing thing on my heart was because it is just too tender, but she gets it just the same

with a small group member and fellow-blogger who put words to the feelings I could not express

with a speaker/author/woman who cut right to the heart of my matter ... and reassured me it was okay to want to be under-stood ... and reminded me of the call to be that for another ... in one stroke of the pen ... or keyboard as the case may be!

Lord, thank you for lifelines ...

I have a new tool ...

My friend Vanessa gave me for no particular occasion a new devotional ... Jesus Calling ... and I am being challenged by it everyday ...

As I've been considering this idea of the mat we're lying on ... well, I've been focused on the malady that put us there ... the event in life ... that caused the pain that put me on the proverbial mat. I wanted to look at abuse of an uncle and abandonment by my dad and the realization that continually in life others have been chose over me ... but the honest truth is ... the Lord has done a work in all those areas ... I've forgiven the offenses ... I've really worked through most of the details of those memories. There was a day, not so many months ago even when memories of those events were overwhelming. Not so any longer. Through much prayer, an Ipod that blares praise music in my ear most of the night ... and a God who finally said, enough ... every night is not plagued with night terrors. He is good ... and I can not tell you how in awe I am of this- I believed my sleep would always be a battleground of the past chasing me down, wrestling me to the ground and I would be left to pick myself up the next morning and act like God had 'healed this thing' ... because I always felt like my inability to overcome spoke of my weakness, my unbelief and a lack of trust.

As the past few months have worn on ... I'm beginning to be less hard on myself. Realizing that if God chooses to heal me of this, He will. And if He does not, He will equip to contend. And He has. It doesn't mean I don't grow weary ... I do. Two weeks ago, I had to sleep in a strange place ... in a bed with someone I do not know well. I woke with my arm knit tightly into the metal frame of the sofa bed, my hand had painfully fallen asleep, my hand was achy because of the grip holding me to the edge.

I think the arm knit tightly into the metal frame and my achy hand are a picture of my heart ... it was effective to keep me on the edge ... it protected me from rolling toward the middle ...  But I didn't relax all night, I didn't rest, I didn't sleep. I managed. I put on a happy face in the morning ... more aware of not wanting someone else to feel awkward, not waning someone else to be impacted by my baggage- knowing they might have baggage too ... knowing that my stuff continually impacts those around me ... and I'd rather suffer silently than have one of the multitude of negative things happen. I'm freaky about unexpected touch. I've been known to swing in my sleep, have hit people who try to scare me, especially from behind (my 12 years old at the time nephew among the ones who made me cry- not from fear, from shame), I Fell down a flight of steps once because my husband playfully pinched my bottom as he passed me. I position myself in a room so that people can't come up behind me if I'm in a place I don't feel secure. But I can actually be caught off guard and embarrass myself in the most unlikely of places. Funny how it usually makes everyone around me as uncomfortable as it makes me ... The stories go on and on. And as I've gotten older, I've learned to squelch the urge to swing and scream most of the time ... even though the physical reaction in my body is the same ... it's is often a silent panic attack ... and I can't explain how that works. Except the truth is ... I don't just say I want to blend into the background, I really do.

Add to this that financially, things are wonky. Job is uncertain. AJ wants to go to Nicaragua for a mission trip for a month this summer. I so want to follow God in this God Story ministry. My relationships seem fragile and my emotions ever close to the surface.

So what does that have to do with the Jesus Calling book? Well today's devotion is Trust in me One Day at a time ... "exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances" is the challenge. And while it 'seems' right ... is it what I'm doing already that feels so fake? I guess that's what I lay at the feet of the Father ... I don't want to be fake. But I don't want to be a poor witness just because I'm a slow learner.  I don't want people to look at my inability to 'get over' it as a lack of His ability. Or my faith in Him. I know ... I really do. But some days it just harder.

I'm so blessed to have people praying for me. So blessed to have people who believe in my healing. So blessed ... and I want to live up to that blessing. I do.

Lord Jesus ... let my life represent all you have offered. In the midst of circumstances which don't make sense. Let my words and deeds never bring you shame- but always point to your goodness and mercy.

New mercies

Sometimes our focus needs to be a little further than our world to see the big picture ...





Peripety and the Reversal of Destiny

I've been looking ... praying ... studying ... writing through writer's block ...

and I woke this morning to the Father's voice confirming that what I started pondering yesterday is worth pursuing today!

Peripeteia ( /ˌpɛrəpɪˈtaɪə/; Greek: Περιπέτεια) is a reversal of circumstances, or turning point. The term is primarily used with reference to works of literature. The English form of peripeteia is peripety. Peripety is a sudden reversal dependent on intellect and logic. In modern Greek περιπέτεια means adventure.

When I did he Esther study a couple of years ago, Beth Moore defined peripety as the "HINGE" moment ... The reversal of destiny is the moment when things begin to turn ... peripety is the hinge on which it swings.


Last week the Lord prompted me to ask some trusted prayer partners to share with me their favorite stories of Redemption from the Bible. I got the following answers:

Joseph, The Woman At the Well, The 'good' Thief on the Cross, The Redemption of Humankind, Ruth, the Woman Who Washed Jesus' Feet, The Woman with the Issue of Blood ... if I'd sent  out reminder texts I'd have probably gotten more responses ... but this gave me a starting place ...

and guess what ... each one of these stories has a moment of peripety ... now I'm not trying to win any literary prizes here ... and I might be stretching the definition to make my point but go with me ...

Joseph
In Genesis  ... there is a lot of chaos surrounding Joseph. Brothers are jealous, take him out & sell him into slavery, put in jail, dreams dreams, gets a job, wife tries to take advantage of him, he's accused of rape ... the list goes on and on and on. There are many "MOMENTS" in this story ... but the moments in the story that seems to be Joseph's destiny is changed forever is when a)his brothers sell him into slavery and b) In Genesis 45 when he steps into the man God would have him to be and acknowleges before his brothers who he really is ... and in Genesis 50:20- we are reminded the purpose of every reversal of destiny ... "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done the saving of many lives."

The Good Thief on the Cross
Luke 23:39-43 ... we don't know a lot about this man. He was a criminal. He'd done something warranting being crucified. His arrest and sentence to die on a cross on that given day was his peripety ... the reversal of destiny is the most important one any of us will ever experience ... eternity with Christ. He didn't walk out his faith ... there was no time. He didn't "do" anything ... he just believed and it was done.

The Woman at the Well
John 4 ... 5 husbands, the man she's with now isn't her husband at all ... she experienced her peripety at the well when she had met one who had told her everything she had ever done ... and she had met the Messiah. The one she had been told was to come and was waiting on even moments earlier ... was now reality to her. The reversal of destiny. She stood in shame before a man asking for a drink and she left a woman forgiven who would tell of what had been done!

The Woman Caught in Adultery 
John 8 ... she was fooling around ... people knew ... men were ready to punish her ... don't you wonder if some of them were afraid of being found out themselves ... by law, it was a just punishment. As you read the story you can feel her shame and their condemnation. Her moment of peripety is when Jesus begins to write in the sand ... and says to the men ... you who is without sin, cast the first stone. Her destiny reversed. She walked away, changed.

So what's my point?

My point is this ... what moment has been your reversal of destiny?? If you have had a life filled with chaos like mine, there might be several! But if you are a child of the most High God ... you  have at  least one! Your God Story is where chaos and calamity meet Jesus! Your God Story was a reversal of destiny ... you were going in one direction and something happened ... God intervened ... Jesus interuptted ... and a moment of peripety occurred.

What was it??

If you don't lay hold of it,
claim it as His Story in your life ...
it's just a story.
Joseph is just a brother that other brothers sold out on ...
happens every single day.
The thief on the cross is just another criminal with a deathbed plea to get out of what he'd done.
The woman at the well was just the woman you do not want your husband lingering too long with at the water cooler in the office.
And the woman caught in adultery is just like the women who hang out downtown, waiting for their next trick.Willing to undergo the next abortion. Never considering the consequence.

It's the story we have to tell that tells The Story of what He has to offer!
Will you let Him use you?

She would have been 99 today ...

This was probably the last visit in which she recognized us ...

    She died March 7, 2010, just one week before her 98th birthday.

She took with her the secrets that made her bitter. I know she held the truth that might have let us all understand better what made her tick so loudly. She was absolutely silent for years before we ever heard inklings that there were a number of indiscretions by my grandfather ... it was only after the walls that she had so securely erected began to erode as disease wore away the foundtion of her mind. And then there were such holes that it all seemed impossible to believe. We were stunned and wounded and what we believed ... well, it was marred.

I pray that she is in Heaven and that Jesus is holding her close and none of it matters anymore. That on this birthday, she knows that He is glad she was born! That she can be happy that not only she was born, but that every one of her children were born. That she is aware that her grandchildren loved her-and even if she couldn't say it outloud- she loved us too. 

I pray that today her absolute need to be chosen, the favorite, the most special has been fulfilled, knowing that in His heart, He chose her!! That while we wore out in our ability to reassure her that she was the the grandma we loved, that we loved her as much as we did Grandpa ... that amidst her decision that she couldn't love some of us because we were Grandpa's favorites ... that love is limitless, it is a lie that you can only love so much and then you run out ...

inequity hurts.

It never feels good.

It never evens out a wrong.  

Even if you think you are making up for someone else's choice ... 

your inequity does damage in exactly the way you are trying to right.

I have watched my mother and my aunt suffer the most.

Today I pray that they can forgive. That they can let go of the dream that they would be chosen by her, that they would be enough for her ...

and they will hold on to the fact that they are loved by the Father.

You gotta see this!!

I guess you could say I'm fixated ...

on this idea of the mat!



All day long I've been thinking about it ...                             

what are the mats that I've confined myself to ...

what are the mats that others have strapped me to ...

and I'm drawn to the truth that the man was lowered by his friends, through the roof, to the very feet of Jesus ... but in the end, it was just the man and the Redeemer!!

or was it?

Today I have a different picture in my mind ... one where the friends loaded up the man on the mat and the man wasn't sure ... after all, he'd seen a few who said they could help him before ... and he'd been let down before. He had come to terms with his ailment ... it would be a lifelong struggle ...

but his friends wanted more for him!!!!!!

In Mark 2:5 it says "...when Jesus saw their faith ..."

Did you catch that??

THEIR faith ...

not his faith ...

their faith!

Let the preciousness of friendship/loyalty/devotion wash over your soul ... their faith ...

like Aaron and Hur holding up Moses arms when the battle became too much to bear.

just as David and Jonathan became one in spirit in 1Samuel 18 ... there was a covenant ... Jonathan loved David as himself ...

there's no qualifier in my Greek/Hebrew Bible that says the original language was referring only to the man on the mat!! Their is plural!

The faith of his friends compelled Jesus' heart!

Go with me for just a minute ...

what if the scene had played out that the friends carried the man to the house, tore off the roof, lowered him down to the Savior, the Savior said "Your sins are forgiven" as he did in Mark 2 ...or as Peter said in Acts 9: 32-34 ... "Jesus Christ has healed you." ... then the command had been issued to get up and take care of your mat ...

and they just chose to lay there.

Would their healing have been revoked??

Romans 11:29 "... God's gifts and His call are irrevocable ..."

He healed both these people.

His gift was His gift ... pure and amazingly simple.

irrevocable ... the Greek is ametameletos ...

without regret, so not revocable ...

lean in with your heart and listen to that again ...

God's gifts and His call are without regret ...

you can lay on your mat if you choose

He doesn't regret His gifts.

you can lay on your mat if you choose

He doesn't regret His call.

He isn't going anywhere ... he isn't tapping His foot waiting for you to come on ... there isn't anger boiling inside of Him ready to burst on the scene ... He isn't up there saying, "if she doesn't come on, I'm done with her" ... He isn't looking on your heart and saying "if only she were _______"

His gifts and His call are without regret. 

You may be the friend waiting on your friend who is stuck on the mat.

His gifts and His call are without regret for you ...
      
                please don't become impatient, don't run away, don't give up ... don't stop actively participating. He sees your faith ... He's placed you at the corner of the mat for your good and for His Glory.

You may be laying on a mat wondering, did He really heal me?

His gifts and His call are without regret for you ...

               listen to the Father, hear His voice, walk in the healing that He's given ... even if You aren't 100% sure. Pick up your mat.  He's placed it in your life for your good and for His Glory.

You may be wondering if you can keep your mat hidden forever. Is He really going to use this?

              the mat you carry with you is the evidence of what you have been delivered from ... don't carry it around in shame and fear. Unroll it when He calls. He's allowed it for your good and His Glory ... it is the very thing that bears witness to what He has done in your brokenness ...

His plan is securely in place for you.

And for your mat.

What is your mat?

Each friend grabbed a corner of the mat that their friend spent the better part of his life laying on ...



I've often wondered what the ailment was ...

but even more often wondered what compelled these friends to care so about one who wasn't an active participant in their lives ... you know, it wasn't like he was out in the fields helping plant or sow or gather ... he wasn't tending the livestock or a blacksmith ... he wasn't a shepherd or among the leadership in the church..



Really ... how did they even come to know this man ... and even more ... how was it that he came to be a good enough friend to these men that they would go to all the trouble of tearing the roof off to lower him to Jesus!!! It's clear that they must have loved him ... they desired his healing ... he must have been a compelling fella to earn the time and effort of these guys! Because really, what did he have to offer??


There's a lot going on in this story ... a lot of people who have to put their pride aside for healing to occur. The man on the mat has to lay down his pride ... and allow the friends to carry him. At first glance, that may not seem like such a sacrifice, but really we all know people who have been laying on their mat for a long time ... and they aren't always willing to even admit that there's a good reason to get up anymore!!



The friends had to be willing to sacrifice. They carried his mat while he was occupying it(dead weight isn't easy to haul) ... they tore off the roof(somebody had to replace that I'm sure) ... they took time away from their families(they had mothers or wives I'm sure who had a list for them) ... they didn't seek Jesus for their own gain (and surely they had needs of their own) ... and they were guys(women I would expect this from, but guys??).



Friendship is powerful ... and each God Story very probably involves someone who was willing to come along side and actively participate in bringing someone to Jesus.



In my most recent journey, someone came along side me. They had been at the feet of Jesus. He had reached into her heart had healed her ... and then told her to take up her mat and go home.

And she did.

She lived.
She loved
She served.
She prayed.
She wrapped her arms around her husband and loved him well.
She nestled babies in her arms and loved them well.
She embraced friends and loved them well.

She experienced His power ... and she practiced it just the same.

Her mat was tucked away in her heart, as a reminder of God's grace and healing.


It wasn't on display for the world to see ...


But His grace and mercy were!

Until I walked into her life.

When I walked in, my heart was hemorrhaging.

She spoke words of comfort.
She promised to pray.
She agreed to keep me accountable.
She invited me to Bible Study.
She listened to my heart cry out for something it couldn't identify.

Grief and despair were choking the very life out of me.


Finally she decided to live her faith radically,
 unrollde her mat and let me see.

Not to display the sin and anguish that had been ...


but to display the grace and mercy that were available ...

Jesus radically healed her ...
and she boldly allowed me an intimate look at the scars from years of carrying the mat on her own.
She radically loved me enough to tell me her story.


Her example has encouraged me to share my own mat when He calls.

So, what is your mat??
And will you allow Him to heal you so that you can carry someone else to Jesus?

Why am I up this late ...

on a school night?

Well, this morning we woke to NO WATER ... well, I managed to let a stream flow from my sink for about 4 minutes and got enough for us to wash our hair, Little House on the Prairie style ... like as in, we used rinse water to wet our hair and a ladle to spoon the water on so as to not use too much!!!

The rest of my day, well, it was just what my days look like now that I have taken on new students. Each day, I prepare for 5 classes that span grades 3-8 ... Science, Math, Reading and Language Arts (grades 3 and 4) ... each requiring a special plan because of special needs. It's like a full teaching load at a public school. That means there is no time to come home (or go elsewhere) mid-day ...

I came home to still no water, but hope of water ... because lightening struck our pump. At 6 I got AJ ... but had to come home, fix dinner, help with homework ... and now I finally have a chance to do one load of laundry ... one seriously necessary load of laundry.

The lesson today ...

I will praise you in this storm, I will lift my hands ...

Lord, help me to lift my hands in this storm! And the aftermath of the storm just keeps coming!!!

Today was full of opportunities

To trust Him.

I won't burden you with the details or the specifics because you have faced your own struggle today ... someone today received a terrible diagnosis at the doctor and faced difficult choices, someone faced a financial burden they didn't know how they would overcome, someone had to face a reality about their child that was painful, someone had to face confrontation that resurrected old hurts, someone faced a spouse who had cheated, someone faced their own rebellious past, someone faced a job loss, someone faced injury, someone faced ______________ ...

the details can be painful, but His call to us is all the same ...

will you trust Me with every detail of your life?

today I chose to trust Him because my vision is changing ...

you see, even several months ago, I was trying to do EVERYTHING on my own. I wanted to pray and then manipulate the circumstances to have a desired outcome ...

in my humanity today, I wanted to DO SOMETHING to fix these situations ... and in all 5 hard situations, there's nothing I can do to fix anything ...

He has to go before me ... He has to fix it ... He has to intercede

and maybe the lesson is right there ...

IS THERE ANY SITUATION IN WHICH I CAN REALLY DO ANYTHING??

I'm beginning to see this reality, everyday I get up, I walk in the way He directs and the circumstances are His ... and I really only have 2 choices ... and neither impacts the circumstance. Either I will act in my circumstance according to His Word, His Will, His Purpose, His Plan ... or I won't. Either way ... the circumstances are just what they are ... nothing more, nothing less.

But I am not in control. I am not in charge.

I can only be obedient or disobedient.

I think I thought that obedience meant my "want" had to change
I had to be "happy" about my circumstance
I had to embrace the difficulty ...

but today, I'm not sure that's true. I don't know how to want these things, be happy about them or embrace them ...
but I can trust that He can navigate the storms that seems so swift that I can hardly stand in the winds!