God Stories ...

Those words ring in my ears at night ... in the morning ... while I do dishes, jump in the shower, plan lessons, run errands, cook meals ... they have permeated every moment of my days.

Now, there have been times when that would have been a bad thing. Obsession would have been the characteristic rather than just excitement.

But at this time, it's just a new way in which God has called me to look at life. My own. The ones around me. The ones He brings into contact with mine- regardless of the circumstance. It is as if for this time He has given me new eyes to see.

And because of that, my world calls for

more compassion
less pride
more passion
less apathy
more empathy
less sympathy
more praying
less advising

more God

less me

You see, as I try to develop in my mind what exactly constitutes a "God Story" I've come up with a few thoughts.

We all have a history ... it might read something like a health history from a basic medical chart ... an alphabetized list of maladies ...

abandoned
abortion
abused
abducted
apathetic
apoplectic
anger issues
anxiety
antagonistic
adultery
bi-polar
bewildered
childhood alcoholism
child of an alcoholic
divorced
devalued
depression
difficulty relating
eating disorder
fatigue
hallucinations
infatuation
Jesus complex
kleptomania

The list can go on and on and on ...

and any one of these things- small or large issues can constitute a "God Story"

because a God Story happens when you history intersects with HIS-tory of Mercy and Grace ...

and becomes your testimony.

As intricate
and individual as my fingerprint ...

my testimony tells of where I've been
what He's delivered me from
and consequently what He's making me into for His Glory.

John 10:10 tells us that the enemy is out to rob, kill and destroy ... and it is his chief purpose in this world. As believers satan can not take us from God. We are children of the Most High - eternally secure. But if the enemy can convince us that what we've done, been, seen, had perpetrated upon us by others is so shameful that it would do more harm than good if anyone ever knew- well, then he traps us; renders us useless in our silence and shame.

But there is power in words. The power to bind the enemy. The power to release blessing on the lives around us. The power to lift up. The power to praise.

The power to bring honor where shame has taken up residency.

The Lord has opened up a new opportunity for me ... a chance to help others find His power through their testimony ... a chance for me to stretch my spiritual legs a little and see what He has in store. What an exciting time.

Friendship

Ecclesiastes 4:10



For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. NASB

Kneeling at the foot of the cross ...

wrestling with life ...

accountability in our struggles...

laughter in the midst of the storm ...

contentedness in need ...

peace in chaos ...

challenge to be better than you thought you could be ...

security to be just who you are...

honesty inspite of fear ...

love in unspeakable ways ...

known as one who has purpose ...

treasured in undeserving ways ...

covered in petition ...

silence that speaks volumes ...

and words that bring healing ...

and a heart that always points back to the cross.

I pray this kind of friendship for you. I am blessed.

Conversations starters ...

a moment in which lives intersect ... when hearts are exposed.

Different friendships demand different conversation.

Acquaintances usually exchange information.
New friendships require stories which bridge the gap between who we are now with who we used to be.
Established friendships include memories and moments where everyone is in on the nuances of life that make events significant.
Then there are friendships that are God-ordained- and He bridges the gap with His love-binding hearts together for His purpose.

Conversations is the name of the Women's Ministry at the church we are attending. They do such a great job of helping women begin significant relationships- right where they find themselves. Some of the women have known each other since the beginning of the church. Others are new attenders. Some have stable, established relationships. Others are broken and wounded- looking for something more in life. Each one of us finds ourselves with the opportunity to be known by at least a few women in attendance.

Discussion starters today:
1. What is your favorite Christmas movie- and one line from that movie.
2. What is something you do at Christmas that makes you feel closer to Jesus.
3. If you were going to host a themed Christmas party what would it be and what famous person would you invite.
4. Name a woman (not your sister or your mother) who has been significant in your life.

1. Favorite Christmas movie ... black and white version of Miracle on 34th Street. My favorite line is when Susan, the 6 year old little girl is riding in the backseat of the car after making a request of Chris ... that would be Chris Kringle ... and believing he wasn't who he claimed to be since he failed to deliver her request. As she rides home from the Christmas Party, she's in the backseat and muttering, "I believe, I believe ... this is stupid ... but I believe." I shared this today ... and the reason it's my favorite fell flat ... I write better than I speak most of the time ... it's my favorite because it speaks to the unbelief that has so often plagued my walk. It's hard to explain unbelief to someone who is steadfast ... and dangerous to discuss fully in the presence of someone you are unclear about the depth of the relationship with Christ. So my story fell flat ... bummer.
2. What makes me feel closer to Christ @ Christmas ... an Advent Calender of some sort ... over the years it's been a 'graded' candle which we burned for a half inch every night ... reading a story during that time ... sometimes a candy treat in one of 24 boxes ... this year, I think we'll combine 24 prophecies that have been fulfilled and point toward the birth of our Savior ... and candy!
3. A themed party ... no themed party for me. I can have you over, feed you great food ... but please don't ask me to decorate or plan a theme! I stink at those kinds of things. Really- it ranks up there with lips and fancy underwear ... things that are just outside my reach!
4. Most influential woman besides mom and sister ... well I have a childhood answer and a modern day answer ... childhood would be Sandy. I have known her since I was 14- and she helped mold me into the woman/wife/mother I am today. Modern-day ... is Jena. She took what Sandy started and, well, pushes me to be the woman God made me to be ... emphasis being on the woman God created me to be. It's been an interesting journey. My mom and sister don't have much influence ... haven't really wanted much influence.

How about you ... what are some conversations starters  you want answers to? Or would you answer these??

There are a couple of things that beg a blog ...

areas in which God is moving that just make me excited to see what He is going to do!

One involves letting go of what was ... and what was is toxic. So it ought not be that hard to let go of ... but God is showing how this toxic vein of hurt is impacting many aspects of my life. And He's asking me to let go of some tangible things ... and some more abstract ideas.

The most obvious tangible thing I've had to let go of is my gray sweatshirt. Not all of them ... but the one that I run to when I'm scared, when I'm spent ... the one I've cried a million tears into the sleeve of when there was NOONE around ... the one I believed was akin to Harry Potter's invisibility cloak ... and allowed me to fade into the background of most every situation, only coming out if I chose to open my mouth. (my mouth would be the antithesis of an invisibility cloak and I know that's true!!!!)

Yesterday I cut off one sleeve cuff ... this morning another. I have a plan for most of the rest of it ...

you would have thought I was cutting off my own hand! It was really hard ... I had committed to do it to the Lord, had planned to do it, sorta promised a piece to someone ... but as the moment came - I found myself trying to concoct something to give in the place of the promised surprise ... and realized as I did that I was really trying to go back on something I'd promised Jesus. I KNOW THIS SEEMS SILLY. But my fall back was that sweatshirt .... it was my security. And taking it a part is my deliberate attempt to stop going back to my fall back ... and starting to depend upon the ONLY ONE that I can fall into. I want Jesus to be my ONE AND ONLY. Seriously ... what was I thinking? That there was something mystical about that piece of thread-bare fabric that could protect me that the Almighty, Sovereign God, Creator of the Universe could not? REALLY? And  yet, I would sit in a variety of venues with that thread-bare fabric, believing the lie that it was keeping me safe. It allowed me to fade into the background AND more importantly, that it was okay to feel that way, even if it wasn't the truth. 

Today I've wondered if I will regret it. There's a part of me that knows that I will miss it! I just will. But I've take steps to keep myself from falling back to something that doesn't fill.

ABC's of thankfulness

A- Atticus ... he makes me laugh everyday!
B- Butterflies ... make me want to welcome change
C- Cartoons ... remember Saturday morning cartoons, everything was clearly make-believe and the most serious of the bunch was Johnny Quest?
D- Deviled Eggs ... hmmm... I might have to add that to my menu sometime next week
E- Extreme Weather ... screaming wind, blowing snow, driving rain (scorching heat I can live without)
F- Football ... hard-hittin' slobber knockin' football
G- Girls who are teaching me how to be one
H- Harry Potter movies ... please don't send me hate mail
I- Ice from Sonic (or anywhere else that has pellets instead of cubes or chunks)
J- Jesus Loves Me ... I love this simple little song packing such a punch of truth
K- Kids who know that I love them like they are my own!
L- Laughter ... it is wonderful medicine
M- Moments where hearts open and fellowship abounds!
N-Nights at the beach ... a object lesson in how big God is and and how small I am ... the ominous roar that comes from the darkness that lies ahead, making me tremble with fear, yet filled with anticipation. Something so pure and so honest comes through in those memories that they seem like 'Holy Ground' moments. 
O- Older sisters ... I finally have one!!!
P- Pink ......... gotcha!!!!! ... not pink ... pinkie promises!
Q- Quiet silence ... you know the kind where everyone you love is under one roof, sleeping soundly, joy floods every cell in your body and time stands still
R- Reading late into the night
S- Sweatshirts ... gray, grungy, ratty ones are my favorites ... nothing in pastels with small forest creatures on them please ... old habits are hard to break
T- Talking with friends ... over coffee, huddled on a couch, on the beach, next to the pool, on the phone (There's a Dr. Seuss book in there somewhere)
U- Uninterrupted sleep ... mmmmmm
V- Venti Latte, nonfat, no foam, 2 raw sugars
W- Wrinkles ... might as well be thankful, they don't seem to be going anywhere
X- Extra Cheese on my pizza ... on my burger ... on my eggs ... you get the picture
Y- You for reading all the way to the bottom ... stop and go make breakfast for your family
Z- Zero outstanding balances

I am constantly amazed

when it seems like God's been 'reading my mail'...

Or my blog anyway.

I really don't think too much about who is and who isn't reading anymore. For a while I made some efforts to increase my stats ... about a year ago I started blogging privately (by invitation only) and then went public again about 4 months ago. Since then, most comments are from people who know and love me. And what that has to do with anything I thought I was going to write about today, I do not know ... except it is exactly what was running through my mind as Scott began delivering his message today.

Continuing his series on being a Lion Chaser Scott challenged us again to see the "lions" in our lives as either obstacles or opportunities for God to do God Stuff. Infact, I think he really wants us to begin to embrace those moments when the odds are stacked against us with joy and anticipation of what God's going to do.

I so want to be there. And as the sermon began ... I was all in. I was engaged. I was ready.

Then Scott started talking about fears. Mice, heights, snakes, public speaking ...

We all start out with two innate fears: loud noises and falling.

His next statement struck me though- all other fears are learned behaviors.

Learned Behaviors.
Learned
Behaviors.

We are conditioned like Pavlov's dogs by life. And life is hard.

What are the three greatest fears of most people?

Rejection- he didn't show up; she doesn't choose me; they don't call; he left; he'd rather have her

          Bottom-line: I'm not good enough ... if I were ______ enough ___________ would want me.

Failure- there is no room for mistakes or uselessness; if I don't make the grade, I won't be accepted; I must meet the expectations of those around me.

          Bottom-line: I'm not good enough ... and my lack of _______ proves it.

Intimacy- if I let him in he'll hurt me; if I let her know me; she'll use it against me; if they really knew me, they wouldn't approve of who I am

          Bottom-line: I'm not good enough ... and who I am deep inside confirms that.

The final result: a people who are stifled by Shame and Fear ...

Two things that the enemy uses to render me ineffective.

Yesterday, I was rejected.

Again.

In a relationship that you might not expect to experience rejection- I face it regularly. And there was a time when I thought I didn't care. Yesterday- it hurt my heart. I took a few minutes, a short nap and a declaration that I was fine. Gathered myself in and thought I was fine.

But it hurt more than I realized.

I was embarrassed.

Shame.

It isn't easy to let anyone know that you've been rejected.(REJECTION AND FAILURE)I knew I needed someone covering the conversation in pray- but then there was no denying the call had been made.(INTIMACY) I wanted the end of the story to be different.(FAILURE) For God to have done a work in hearts ... not another rejection.

The enemy was in my ear.
And then I have to go to church - alone.(REJECTION)
Again -  Shame. Embarrassed.

I didn't realize just how much it hurt until I was driving home and I felt Jesus whisper in my heart, "I chose you before you were formed in your mother's womb."
 
Chosen ... not 'I allowed you to be conceived', so I'm stuck with you.
Chosen ... not 'there's no way out', so I'm obligated to you.
Chosen ... not 'there's no one else who wants you' so I feel sorry for you.

I chose ... picked, elected, want
you ... Amy
Before ... prior to all the mistakes
you were formed ... even if it wasn't intentional or wanted or the cure-all
in your mother's womb ... the place that is supposed to be safe.


It was scripture that finally spoke ...

I want to be a lion chaser.

Sometimes when you chase lions, you get bit. I want to learn to not pull away when it happens, making the wound a gaping whole in my heart.

I want to be a lion chaser.

In this place ...

I'm in this place ... a place where my heart and mind are coming to the answers that God's calling me toward more readily than ever before. But my flesh is still in the place of habitual reaction.

When I'm angry- I want to lash out.
            Christ is calling me to patience.

When I'm feeling like I want to disappear- I want my gray sweatshirt.
            Christ is calling me to be the woman he created me to be.

When I'm hurt- I want to shut down emotionally. Hurt is too hard.
             Christ is calling me to depend on His sufficiency even in the hard stuff.

Funny, it isn't so hard to initially to have patience, to be the woman He's calling me to be or depend on Him ... it's lingering in His presence long enough for Him to do the real work. The work that comes in the moments after the crisis has passed. The very moment that I think I can handle it on my own. But in truth- I can not.

He's called me to change. Not mask behavior. I can't change without Him. I'm finding more and more that I am just nothing without Him.

What does it mean to be a lion chaser?

On Sunday one of the biggest things I took away from Scott's message on Becoming a Lion Chaser was the need to learn to run into situations which seem impossible. When you do it gives God a chance to show up and do God Stuff and He gets all the Glory for making the impossible happen.

Nice thought? I think so too. But unlike other times, this time, I really want to be the Lion Chaser. The thought resonated in my soul as the answer to my most deep :"what's next in my walk?" cries. So here are the principles for the 1st sermon in the series:

5 Principles When the Odds Seem Stacked Against You.

1. Seek God's Wisdom. James 1:5
2. Believe God Can. James 1:6, 7, 8 and Ps 77:19-20
     is this an obstacle or an opportunity for God to show His stuff!
3. Expect God's Help. I Samuel 17:47
                                  I Samuel 17:34-35 ... why will God come through?
           David was a Lion Chaser!
4. Do it God's way. Is. 55:89
     God's plan is seldom the obvious plan.
      My thoughts are not your thoughts.
5. Do it in God's Power. Ephesians 3:20-21


So this week I've been asked to

run toward the marriage I want God to create.
       I Believe God Can
run toward the relationship with Jesus I want.
       I Expect God's Help
run toward my dad.
       I'm counting on God's Power
run toward a long term goal that I'm not ready to commit to print.
       I will need God's Wisdom

And if I try to do any of them in a way other than God's way ... then really, what's the point in doing them anyway?