Saturday, October 30, 2010

oswald today ...

FAITH

"Without faith it is impossible to please Him." Hebrews 11:6
Faith in antagonism to common sense is fanaticism, and common sense in antagonism to faith is rationalism. The life of faith brings the two into a right relation. Common sense is not faith, and faith is not common sense; they stand in the relation of the natural and the spiritual; of impulse and inspiration. Nothing Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, it is revelation sense, and it reaches the shores where common sense fails. Faith must be tried before the reality of faith is actual. "We know that all things work together for good," then no matter what happens, the alchemy of God's providence transfigures the ideal faith into actual reality. Faith always works on the personal line, the whole purpose of God being to see that the ideal faith is made real in His children.


For every detail of the common-sense life, there is a revelation fact of God whereby we can prove in practical experience what we believe God to be. Faith is a tremendously active principle which always puts Jesus Christ first - Lord, Thou hast said so and so (e.g., Matthew 6:33), it looks mad, but I am going to venture on Thy word. To turn head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes. God brings us into circumstances in order to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make its object real. Until we know Jesus, God is a mere abstraction, we can not have faith in Him; but immediately we hear Jesus say - "He that hath seen Me hath seen the Father," we have something that is real, and faith is boundless. Faith is the whole man rightly related to God by the power of the Spirit of Jesus Christ.

Let me just apologize up front ...

this will likely be a disjointed post or an awesome read ... I have no idea which it will be.

Lately, I have been confronted with the reality there have been seasons, even in adulthood, when I have really been susceptible to the influences of the world. There have been times when the Lord has simply not allowed relationships to flourish, jobs to continue, affiliations to remain because I was could be easily swayed by those around me. And as hard as it is for me to confess, the truth is, I honestly believe that He took me out of many of the situations because I could not be trusted in them.

The scarier reality for me is that I often avoid those situations because I know all to well that I'm drawn into conversations I should not have, made to feel less than and ignorant because of my beliefs, find myself agreeing to things I do not really believe because I can't explain God ... consequently, I have surrounded myself with friends who are for the most part "like-minded" and it's safe and it's comfortable.

and it protects me from myself. You see, I struggle.

Even in the past two weeks ... I have been sidelined by some memories I hadn't 'remembered' for a while, felt guilty for something I had little,if any, control over, felt utter remorse over something I should have been smart enough to keep myself out of the middle of, feared the loss of a treasured friendship, had my feelings hurt by being left out and stomped my foot at God for not choosing the way I would have chosen. And those are just the few things I remember right now because the consequences are still lingering in the air around me ... who even knows the struggles I failed to recognize, ignored or just passed off as someone else's junk.

I don't know about you, but even though I can undeniably state that walking the Christian walk is the best way to go ... I don't always find it easy. There were things about those days when I didn't take 'sin' so seriously that I could watch what I wanted to watch, listen to the music I wanted to listen to, hold political opinions that didn't rankle the feathers of people I really wanted to respect me, drink what and where I wanted to drink, say the words I was really thinking, I didn't have to take a stand or make a call. But those days are long past. The Holy Spirit, in spite of my efforts to quench the strength of His voice, is active and a live and living in me. This week, I was faced with the feeling that I was surrounded by some who are head and shoulders above me spiritually. The enemy reminded me of who I was.

But Jesus decided today to remind me Who I Am, in Him.

I spent the morning with an old friend. One of those friends who I believe the Lord would not allow me to continue to be in a close affiliation with because her influence over me was so great. She was the friend who told me how smart I was on one hand and then on the other mocked me for believing that Jesus is THE Way, THE Truth and THE Light ... she often challenged my beliefs in ways that made me question God's Word. Most of the time when we would get together I would leave thinking, this is just not spiritually healthy or me to be here.

And I would have been right.

My anemic, flavorless, weak faith would not have withstood the test. And so, months would pass and then some contact would be made ... and I would come to the same conclusion. This is not safe.

Today, however, was different. Today I sat in the presence of brokenness. I sat in the presence of fear. I sat in the presence of question.

Today I watched God put some pieces together. I heard the words "God sent you to me today" uttered by someone who I really didn't know what she believed about God. She used the term in a nebulous, trendy, new-age sort of way most of our friendship. But today, when I looked at her and said, "Yes, He did." She didn't need plurality or the use of both gender references to know the ONE I was referring to ...

She needed to know that Jesus was watching out for her ... and in my obedience to call (again) I was able to show her that.

And He showed me something. In the midst of conversations about all manner of sexual evil ... In the midst of conversations about immoral lifestyles ... in the midst of discussing academic integrity ... and a variety of other topics. I was able to stand on my spiritual feet and answer with Truth. Unapologetically.

I don't know where you are tonight. I don't know who intimidates you or makes you feel less than or makes you shrink away from His Truth or makes you think you have to hide in the shadows from the world around you just to be secure in His Truth ... but I know this, He's grooming you for a time when He's going to ask you to stand on your spiritual feet for Him. Unapologetically.

Are you ready?

I would have answered no.

You see this week ...

I got caught up talking too much about something I had NO BUSINESS talking about at all. And got burned. Only He can protect what I have put at risk.

I was hurt terribly by a friend who did something careless, but I didn't confront it. Only He can heal it.

I yelled at my son on the way to school, failing to hear the hurt in his heart. He's trying so hard to do what is honorable. And I just want him to do what I want him to do. Only God can be the Holy Spirit to him.

I was disappointed by my husband.

I hurt my friend.

I spoke harshly about someone else I consider a friend.

I failed when student asked for help.

I wanted revenge on someone who intentionally hurt me.

I failed at doing this Jesus-follower thing ... miserably.

And today, He used me anyway.

And showed me that this process is a journey.

And it really is all about the journey.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

talking in class ...

can I just tell you that my greatest flaw and greatest strength as a teacher are the same quality.

If you've every taught and been evaluated you have experienced a check off for something called "birdwalking" ...

"birdwalking" is when a kid can get a teacher off subject in order to avoid the subject at hand. When I was a younger teacher, I was very susceptible to this because I loved the kids. Now that I'm not as young a teacher- I don't fall prey to petty little sideswipes ...

but last week, I saw an opportunity. The question was for another class ... what is the boiling point in Celsius? I had just read this great quote from a Jim Cymbala book that described the refining process for silver. The temperature for melting silver is +960 degrees. The fire has to be really hot for silver to release the dross. As I was telling the story, I realized I had them. The story had their attention. And I know for some of them, the fire is hotter than it's been in their short lives. Divorce. Illness. Conflict. Hormones- some that's working overtime, some that's not kicked in at all. Homework. Teachers. Friends. Sports. Activities.

The heat rises with each and everyday. And as I spoke their needs out of my mouth, I could see the hurt.

My question to them was my question to myself. Am I going to let the heat burn me up or am I going to let the Master Silversmith have his way with me. Skim the dross off. Put me back into the fire. Skim the dross off. Am I going to be thankful for the process that the heat takes me through or am I going to curse it? Am I going to jerk around, pitch a fit, stir the pot  .... so that the process takes longer. Reintegrating the dross into the silver of my heart? We each answer that question for ourselves.

This week- the heat was turned up. A friend hurt my feelings. The dross that rose was self-centeredness in me. My husband said some words that hit my heart hard. The dross that rose was unforgiveness. For a couple of days, I thrashed around like a toddler ... mixing everything back up. It's shown itself as pouting, whining, complaining, feeling sorry for myself. Ugly.

Today, the Lord reminded me that I'm in the middle of a process and He's still at work. I want to be finished. He was me to be sanctified.

The final process the silversmith goes through is the polishing of the refined silver. He polishes and polishes until he can see His own reflection.

This week, I'm sure when Jesus looked into my heart, He did not see His reflection, but rather just me. Amy ... staring back at him with angry eyes.

I'd say we're not done with the dross process.

Friday, October 22, 2010

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

sometimes ...

new can heal the old

sometimes ...

when someone tells you enough you begin to believe that what they say is true and the other was a lie

sometimes ...

when someone treasures your heart enough to be gentle with it as long as it takes, not just until they get bored

sometimes ...

when someone loves you enough to point you over and over again to the Father but doesn't try to be Him

sometimes ...

when someone loves you just because you are you

sometimes ...

the new begins to grow more quickly than the old and redemption, restoration and healing become more likely than destruction, confusion and condemnation

sometimes ...

we step out when we don't know why and find that it was more important than we could have ever imagined

sometimes ...

God gives us more than we could have ever imagined


and I am thankful for that someone.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Ever have a season ...

where the lessons come almost faster than you can assimilate them? I'm writing, journaling, scratching on note paper, texting myself, telling one particular friend ... as quickly as I can so that I don't miss something.

Friday was a hard day ... I think I've said that once. By the time I lay my head onthe pillow at 9:45pm ... I fell asleep saying this in a desperate prayer, "Lord, if you want me to go tomorrow morning, You're going to have to wake me up. I can not bare to wake up to an alarm tomorrow morning. Can I please just sleep tonight?"

You see, often, chaos attacks my sleep first. And so I do not remember another thing after the first tear hit my pillow. I don't know when AJ went to bed, I have no idea when Randy came to bed ... I didn't dream. I'm not sure I even moved from the spot- and my pillow was drenched as if I'd cried silently through the whole night ...

but at 6:45 my eyes flew open. I was rested ... but to tell you the truth, I did not want to go to the ladies meeting ... and I didn't want to go alone.
My toddler like discourse begins ...

Haven't heard from Jena. It's her church, why would I go if she isn't going Lord?
Um, it's My church. You should go because I woke you up to go this morning.

I don't want to go alone. I went to church alone last week- sat all alone while Randy stayed home and did what he wanted to do. Why can't I stay home and do what I want to do.
You won't be alone. I'll be there. It needs to be enough that I'll be there. But, you won't be alone.

Fine. I'll get up.
Don't be hateful.

Eye roll ... (I'm such a baby)

I shower, dress and I'm blowing my hair dry when it happens.

Lord, I really don't want to go by myself.

Jena texts- she's really not going.

Do you not care that I don't want to go by myself?

Sherry texts and she's there.

Okay, I get it.
I don't think you do.

I'm going. Isn't that what you want? (hope you can hear childish tone of voice)
No, what I want is your obedience. I want you to do what I've asked you to do.

Why do you want me to go?
It doesn't matter why I want you to go. I want you to go because you know I want you to go. I woke you like you asked me to ... you won't be there alone.

I'm going to be late.
It doesn't matter. go ... Amy, if you will learn to be obedient to me, I will open blessings to prosper you that you can not imagine. I have a plan for you.


and even though I still don't really want to go, I start out. encouragement comes as I travel. I still don't want to go.

I got there just before the "program" began. The message was out of Psalm 1:1-4.
There's that word again- prosper- I know it's from the Lord beause that isn't even a word that's common i my vocabulary. And there it is again.

Obedience. Time in the Word. Trust. Deep Roots.

Lord, help me to step into Your light and see the places that need healing ... and shine Your light into the dark places of my heart where Ineed to be obedient.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I've been asking the Lord lately ...

to help me step into the Light so he can expolse the places that need heling in my heart. And sometimes I don't know if I realize what I'm asking for ...

you see, what I really wanted was for Him to just fix it. In my heart- that's what I wanted. But what I asked for was for the hurt places to be exposed ... and thus, the previous posting. Though I didn't know it at the time. In fact, I started twice to go back and delete the "too common" post. But I couldn't.

And then, yesterday morning came.

During my quiet time, I was going through my prayer cards, Randy, AJ, Cam, Jena, Rachel, Alli, Amy, Brad, Jake, Maggie, Curt, Sandy ... and the Lord seemed to be nudging me saying, "Ask me" ... and I resisted. But He had my attention. I "finished" my typical quiet time, but continue to mull the whole thing around in my mind. And again I clearly heard Him speaking to my heart, "Ask Me precicous girl" ... and so I texted a friend- My question was this ... when you pray, do you pray for what you want? And in the mean time, while you wait for His answer, how do you posture yourself? How do you wait? Her response was that she does pray expecting ... and stands back and waits for Him to answer her. Often He answers in ways that far exceed her heart's desire. And sometimes He gives her the stupid things she thinks she wants, so she'll know she didn't really want them.

It made me stop and really think about why I approach the Lord with such a tentative heart. I pray boldly- for other people. I have no problem approaching the Throne when it's for anyone else. But really ... I am quite careful about what I ask for myself. And as the day continued yesterday ( in which my keys were misplaced and I was forced to stay home for the day) ... the Lord again spoke to my heart and sent me back to the "too common" entry. He seemed to be saying, "I'm not that kinda Dad. If I've promise you something. I'm going to show up."

Yesterday proved to be trying and full of disappointment. It required quick prayer and much intervention from the Holy Spirit ... and I really needed a Daddy to turn to and ask for help. Today wasn't much better ... and several times I was overwhelmed with the sense that I just needed someone to turn to ... someone who would be the safety net- someone who would rescue me as the waves grow higher and higher ...

and this evening-

I have this interesting peace that He's got it under control.

And He's not going to let me down.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

too common

She was waiting for him to show up.Waiting to see if it would happen again. Suspecting it would but hoping beyond hope that this time, he'd come through.

Last night when she saw him at practice, he promised ... "4:30, 5:00 at the very latest. Be waiting outside on the porch. I don't want to have to deal with your mom."

It was hot outside but she waited ... at 4:30 she was there, sweat pouring down her cheeks as the clock passed 6.

Maybe it was tears.

Either way, her mud streaked face stared into the late afternoon sun.

"What time did he say he'd be here?" Mom asked as she looked impatiently at her watch. She was to take over the register at 7pm and work 'til close. She had planned to work because it was his weekend with the girls.

"He's not coming. You know he's not." her younger sister said.

"STOP saying that. He promised. He's just late. He probably just had to work over. We'll walk to his house and wait for him there. I have a key. That way you won't be late." she explained, trying to sooth the situation.

"He's not coming." the little sister said again, quietly this time and she wandered back into the tiny house.

"Shut ... Up!" 

"You'll  have to wait here. Go inside and ..."

"He said wait on the porch! He won't think we're here. "

"I'm not leaving for work with you standing out here, not knowing if he's coming or not. If he show up drunk or ..."

"He won't be drunk ... he promised."

"I cannot wait. Go into the house. Lock the door. Do not open the door if he's been drinking. Please just leave the doors locked and be quiet. I'll be home by midnight. You can't call- the phone's been cut off. If you need something, go to Mr. and Mrs. Sharp's. But it better be important!"

The 13 inch TV was on but she wasn't watching. She opened a packet of Lipton Noodle Soup and heated it on the stove. Little sister fell asleep on top of the warm dryer. She often wondered what it was about the dryer and her sister ... she would often find her curled up in a naked ball, sleeping the sleep of the dead. Hard to wake, then impossible to quiet. It always took several days before the shaking would subside, but after an hour, she had managed to get her into her panties and under a blanket on the couch. A bowl of noodles balanced on her tiny lap and red kool-aid as a chaser. Which was scarier, the glazed over look in her eyes or the shaking? Hard call ...

Looking out the front window curtains, it was apparent that night had come ... and he had not.

He was not.

Was he at the bar? The apartment? Jail? Somehow this 8 year old knew the range of possibilities as clearly as she knew every single word to every single song she ever heard on the radio. The clock said 9:00. She knew that was bed time. So, she cleaned the red kool-aid off of their tiny mouths, put the bowls in the sink, went to brush teeth and wash faces ... put her sister in the bottom bunk and found her way to the top bunk. The moon shone brightly in the window and she just talked to God like the lady at Bible School said to do ... she asked Him to take care of her Daddy. Asked Him to make him love her mommy again. Asked Him to make the shaking stop- her little sister's and the shaking that happened under her skin where no one could see. Asked Him to make the hurt stop. Asked Him to let them live in a pretty house, with new clothes that fit. Asked  Him to help them find enough pop bottles in the alley to pay for lunch next week.

Soon enough, sleep overtook the words filling her head.

Next thing she knew ...

Mom was asleep in her bed.

Morning had come. 

But he had not.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Undeniable Pt 2

So ... while I want my way ... I think I'm finding that I'm having an "awkward turtle" moment.

It's just awkward for me right now- I've asked the Lord to let me step into the Light ...

Scott compared the Christian walk to an old Poloroid picture. Once He's imprinted your life and you expose it to the light of His word ...

things get awkward.

It's awkward having Jesus look at and expose our junk. My junk - at best- looks awkward when He's bringing it all into focus. It's not really unlike having a picture taken of myself in real life right now ... I hate what I see ... I look older, I have a significant double chin ... and every pound that I weigh stares me in the face - because the picture is a perfect image of what's on the outside. Well ... the picture that Jesus reflects is the perfect image of what's on the inside ... and it's just as disgusting.

Raw emotions, hurt feelings, disappointment, feelings of inadequacy ...

things that for years I've said I do not feel. I will not be effected by. You are not going to hurt me again. And you could be anyone ... but is no one inparticular.

And yet the truth is I am impacted by these things ... no matter how tightly I clinch my fists and scream "I won't let you won't hurt me" ... when I get left out or ignored or I'm not as important ... it hurts. No matter how quietly I slip away and say in a whisper, "I will not get my feelings hurt, I will not embarrass myself by needing more- needing anything" ... the truth is - no matter how much I say it- it's a lie.

And as I've started to let His Light shine into my life, asking Him to heal my heart, I'm finding that in the healing, there's some feeling that I wasn't expecting.

Reminds me of a snake who has shed it's skin ... and is now tender and exposed ...
a necessary process.

But painful.

Scott's Sermon Series ...

is titled UNDENIABLE.

How Jesus reveals Himself as Undeniably the Son of God.

Each of the sermons have keyed in on the fact that after coming out of spiritual darkness it takes a while for our spiritual eyes to adjust to the Light.

And it's funny, because I find myself having to refocus my spiritual eyes continually lately. It seems that days run in and out of darkness and light so quickly that I can hardly keep up. But on this Sunday, Scott said two things that knew I needed to be held accountable to ...

1) You don't have to understand everything to believe in something

and

2)It's time to stop focusing on the unexplainable and start living in the undeniable truth of who Jesus is ...

in Jn 9:1 ... Jesus came upon the man, "As he went along ..." Jesus did ministry as he went along in his day ... he didn't manufacture or create a need - there was a need presented just "as he went along ..."

:2 reflects how many feel about any mallady or problem in your life- there must be some hidden sin.

But Jesus clears that up in
vs 3 ... sometimes, we face things just because He allows it so that HIS
GLORY can be projected out of your life

and that's where I camped for a while. I'd love to say I was completely engaged in what Scott said- I have copious notes that might indicate such, but the truth is, I was hung up ...

hung up in wondering- is there sin in my life and that's why we face some of the difficulties that we do. Afterall, I know lots of people who believe in God's Favor. Lots of people who believe in God's Sovereignty over Free Will. And it seems like those things lead to futility in why we follow ... why we serve ... why whatever? I mean, if after all these years, I still have JUNK I can't reconcile in my life, then what's up with that? Friendships that hurt to look at, family that doesn't act like family ... stuff ...

I jumped back into the sermon about the time he made this statement ... "Everytime God gets ready to do something he demands an act of Faith where we step out and say we believe You are who you say you are God."

And I have found myself here ... struggling between transparency as an act of faith. waiting to see where He leads. Knowing that the outcome is in His hands, wanting it my way.

wishing

Friday, October 8, 2010

wonder how hot 950 deg C is? skimming the slag is not a painless process.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I think I'm going to take the dive ...

and start an all new blog ...

one that is meant to be funny and yet speak some measure of truth.

I'm going to restart The Excellent Wife for the 4th time ... and the truth is, I am The Barely Adequate Wife.

I don't really resemble the Proverbs 31 girl much at all ... but I'm trying to be what God's called me to be ... have some fun in the mean time ... and laugh at myself when I'm able.

So - this week we camp, but I hope to create several blogs too. We'll see.